Is the Universe Going to Strike Out at Me for Being Happy?

Another day, more good news from the clinic on how our IVF cycle's going. This is such a new experience for me. All last year, every visit, every phone call brought more and more and more bad news. It's a little overwhelming to have everything going so right.

I cried when I got the call from the clinic this morning--Day 3 embryo report, they definitely want to do a Day 5 (Monday) transfer, all is looking wonderful. I cried and got excited about the fact that this time I might actually get pregnant, and started feeling very, very, very happy. It's like I got this little glimpse of what life could be like without this film of sadness and grief constantly covering everything. A film that has been with me since one morning way back in May of 2003--I can even tell you the exact day, but that's another story for another time.

No sooner did I start to feel happy than I got scared. I mean, isn't being happy just taunting the powers that be? If I'm happy at this stage, is it guaranteeing that I won't end up pregnant or that I'll miscarry or something else awful will happen to one of the little babies currently growing in the petri dish down in Denver sometime in the future? Is it OK to be happy? Why do I feel like I need to be so guarded, like getting excited about something before it happens is going to guarantee failure?

Trying hard to hold onto the happiness I feel today, even if it does end up to be fleeting...