I feel like the shock is wearing off...also trying to think about the future...and I am just so, so, so sad...

Hey Everyone. Happy Tuesday...

Today I am just feeling sad.

Thinking about my brother who said shortly after my husband and I lost our daughter, "We had to make it work as a family of four, and we have" (meaning after our youngest brother died). "You'll make it work as a family of four, too, if you need to."

And about a dear friend of mine who I talked to yesterday about how afraid I was to get pregnant again and she said, "You can't not do something you really want to do out of fear."

And about a family I read about once who lost a daughter as a child, and tried not to be sad about the fact she was gone, but instead look at it as what a gift to have the time with her that they did.

My husband and I talked with our doctor at the IVF clinic Friday, we have 4 frozen embryos and he said he doesn't see any reason not to try again, although he'd want to do genetic testing on the embryos before transfer to up the chances of things turning out OK. (And that's something we would absolutely do, no question.)

If we tried again, it would be my 7th IVF procedure...I just don't know if I can do it again. I am so exhausted by all that we have been through...

But I want a baby in my arms so badly...

But we (my husband and I) were also a little freaked out about being able to handle three kids when I was pregnant, and I think we need to be honest about that fact and examine it a little closer...

I know we don't need to make a decision today, but my head is all over the place on this, and I do feel like we need to decide sometime in the next couple months...

There is the loss of Hunter and that will never change. (And something else I've been thinking about is the fact I wanted another child partly so if we lost a child...always a fear of mine...it wouldn't be so bad. I thought the more children you have the less the loss of one would hurt. It's ironic that it's Hunter that we lost, and boy, was the math on that wrong, by the way. I don't think it matters at all how many kids you have, the loss of one is terrible no matter what.)

Anyway, layered on top of our loss for me is this sadness and anger and frustration that we aren't necessarily going to have a say in when our family is complete...that the pregnancy with Hunter may be my last.

And it's not even like we get to decide yes we want another baby or no we don't...even if we decide we want to try so many things have to go exactly right for that to actually happen.

If I get pregnant again, I'm not going to complain about anything, not one word. (Although I do want to be honest about the fact that I get very sick when I'm pregnant, and make sure there are allowances in place for that.)

But I will be scared the whole time.

Today, I just feel like a lost little girl, on the verge of tears, nothing makes sense and I am just so, so sad and scared and confused.

Oh and on a completely random note, I can't stop checking that my kids are in their car seats when I'm driving around with them. Where are they going to go, right? But I have to reach back and touch and see that they are still there over and over and over. Crazy...

Really feeling it today. I don't know, I think maybe the shock is wearing off, but I am just so, so, so, so sad right now...and have no idea what to do moving forward...

XOXO 

Grace in Small Things, April 29, 2013

Hi Everyone.

I have a really hard time writing the date today in the title of this post. (In fact, I've been purposely mis-dating all my work documents today.)

This is the day my little brother was killed.

I had a massive sobbing breakdown last night that I don't even want to talk about. Like I said to my husband, it's like it's actually happening all over again, not something that's in the past, but something that's about to happen and I'm not going to be able to survive it. (I was living with my brother when he died...I'm the one who got the call, who had to go to the ER where he was already dead, who had to call my parents, which was the worst single thing by far I've ever had to do.)

I have a friend who lost a sister suddenly, tragically a couple weeks ago, and she's said to me, "Please tell me this gets better." And it does, and I told her that, there will come a day where your heart isn't breaking every second.

What I don't tell her is that's only because I've figured out how not to think about it, for the most part. When that's not possible (eg anniversary days like today...my brother's birthday's pretty much a guaranteed trigger, too), the intensity of it still is just purely awful, close to unsurvivable (I know I sound melodramatic, but it's the truth), and the truth is I don't know how people survive this. But people do...

Enough. I have to stay OK for this baby inside me. So I want to talk about some things that are good:

1. Last night after crying, I went and sat with my babies, they were asleep, I sat beside their cribs in the dark, reached through the slats and put a hand on their heads...that did make me feel better, truly
2. Such great beta numbers for the little baby inside of me! (Whom we've been calling "Freezy-pants," or "Freezy" for short since we started talking about using one of our frozen embryos to have one more child). 161 8 days after a 5-day transfer, 456 two days later
3. FaceTime with my parents this morning, who are off on an adventure that yesterday involved a snowy Colorado 4WD pass in the middle of nowhere, no one else around, with possibly not enough gas to get them out (although they made it)
4. I'm having some real problems with the health care system in ABQ. One of the big things: For the fertility stuff, I've needed a couple ultrasounds to find out the thickness and pattern of my uterine lining. When I've gone for these ultrasounds the tech has insisted on spending 45 minutes looking at every conceivable thing related to my reproductive system, even though the order clearly states--and I've clearly told them--that that is not wanted or needed. I've been told they won't do anything unless they do the whole thing. Well, I just got an enormous bill for one of these sessions, and I called the hospital and explained to them, and they were VERY helpful and it seems like it is going to be resolved...was glad for the man helping me who seemed to agree that that shouldn't have happened...I was prepared for a battle...
5. Took the kids and met my husband for lunch today, so nice to be able to do that, especially on a day like today...

Hope you all are having a great day.

XOXO

Pregnancy Test...Today's the Day...

So today's the day...got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test an hour and a half ago.

Then went back to my car and bawled my eyes out.

I'm scared that I'm not pregnant, because I really don't think we can go through any more fertility treatments. 

And, I'm scared I AM pregnant, because what if another baby is too much? What if I've ruined everything?

Clearly, I am a crazy person.

The lab down here seems to take FOREVER to run tests...I don't expect to hear anything until the end of the day.

This whole thing sucks. I hate infertility so much.

XOXO

FET Update, + Feeling Some Sadness and Anger About Infertility

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

At my brother's in the Colorado mountains, in the house where I grew up, on bed rest after my FET. Flew into Denver Monday night in the middle of a massive snowstorm, my brother came to pick me up which I was so grateful for...I was going to rent a car because I didn't want to impose more than I already was but he and his lovely girlfriend insisted that it was no big deal to take me to/from the airport and I'm so glad they did because a cheap rental car + a foot of snow probably wouldn't have been a very good idea.

Monday night I-70 to get out of town and into the mountains was a parking lot, and i had to have a progesterone shot (intramuscular, in the fanny), so we pulled over at I-70 and Pecos, which is not the best part of town, I pulled my pants down a little and my brother gave me the shot in the 7-11 parking lot...went off without a hitch but yeah, imagine trying to explain that to the police...

FET went wonderfully, they said the one embryo thawed perfectly and the transfer itself was quick and smooth. I slept a good chunk of yesterday so didn't sleep so well last night, it's snowing again here and just beautiful, the whole world is like a black-and-white photo outside...will be lovely to have a day to just relax although bed rest is kind of physically uncomfortable (why is it when you're told you can't sleep on your stomach that that's absolutely all you want to do?). I have some pineapple and cheese and crackers for snacks and I'm sure Ben and his girlfriend will make me a lovely dinner tonight, like they did yesterday. So great to be with my brother. So hard not to be living in the same place as him but we all make the effort to visit each other so it's going to be OK. Feeing so incredibly homesick for Colorado being back here, though.

Anyway, I find out on the 25th--a week from tomorrow--if I am pregnant or not. I (obviously) hope so so so so incredibly much that this FET works. If not, we may try once more, we may not...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Going through fertility procedures again has been extraordinarily difficult, mostly because I feel like I have to totally give up who I am, I don't feel like myself at all--between being on all these drugs, not being able to exercise, gaining weight and not being able to wear a lot of my clothes, dying my hair back to its natural dark color because I'm not comfortable doing highlights during pregnancy, not getting a mani/pedi because I'm suspicious of nail polish, too, not being able to go out on a Saturday night and have a beer or two with my husband--all that's hard. I feel frumpy and housebound. Totally worth it if this ends up with us having a baby. But the odds I've been given are 50/50 and it's hard to think I've potentially gone through all this/put my body through all this for nothing. Not sure I have it in me to do it again. If I could get pregnant naturally there's no question in my mind about us having a third child, but this is my SIXTH IVF procedure and it's just so, so hard to go through this, I had forgotten how hard.

Going through fertility procedures again--it's also brought to the forefront some of the anger and sadness of having to go through this at all, and the loss that not getting to just get pregnant and have babies like everyone else is for me. I am both unspeakably grateful for what has allowed us to have children, and sad and angry about what risks I've had to put my body through, all the money this has cost (and all the insane hours I've worked to pay for it), the years and years of incredible sadness I've lived through...everyone wants me to just be positive...I'm supposed to be positive and look at the gifts this all has given me, right? But instead I'm sad and mad, and I want it to be OK to be sad and mad, and not have everyone tell me I should be grateful, I should buck up and focus on the bright side of things. 

One step, one day at a time, though. Nothing to be done these next eight days but rest and see how things turn out. We can make decisions about possibly trying again (or not) after. 

I've been putting my hand on my belly, talking to this precious baby inside of me that already feels so real...we're (my husband and I) scared a little to have a third, I mean, will we have the time and energy and resources to make it work? But I know we will. I know it will be lovely and amazing and we won't be able to imagine life without this baby. That will make this whole fertility thing worth it. That's what I have to remind myself. I'm not going through all this for nothing. I'm going through it for another baby. Or, if that doesn't happen, to be able to look back and say, at least we tried...it wasn't meant to be, but at least we tried...

XOXO

Hi!

Hey Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Wow, I miss blogging (and reading blogs)...looking forward to being able to work it regularly into my days again! For now, a little stream-of-conscious sharing...

All's well down here in ABQ. Slowly getting unpacked...finally got around to unpacking most of my office today...it's not done, but it's starting to feel like mine vs a messy room with tons of boxes stacked everywhere. Amazing what some books on bookshelves will do! 

My mother-in-law is gone for the week in Vegas, so it's just me around here from 6:30 AM to 5 PM...love having the kids all day...I work like mad during their naps and then my husband takes over when he gets home so I can finish the work I need to finish. This isn't really tenable long-term, but it's been fun having so much time with the kids.  

On an unrelated note, I think I found a housecleaner, which is going to really help with my feeling that everything's kind of out of control around here.

And the FET...it's going well, but I have to say it's kind of lonely on the internet doing fertility procedures when you already have kids. It's true the stakes aren't as high as they are for those who don't yet have kids...I feel like everything's going to be great whether this works out or not...but still, taking all these drugs is hard and being in limbo is hard and not being able to do stuff is hard (no tea in the mornings, glass of wine in the evenings, no hot yoga or hiking as of Saturday when I start the patches...nothing that makes you sweat. No baths either which I'm particularly sad about.) Also, I feel like I JUST got back into shape from my pregnancy, back to the point where everything fit and I felt like I looked good...and I've already gained weight with the fertility drugs, but trying not to stress about it because I know I'll lose it no problem when the time is right.

Changing the subject again...my husband has a 3-day weekend starting tomorrow and I feel like we are going to be able to do so much to make this house feel like our home. I'm really loving our house, and what I've experienced of this city so far, which honestly isn't much between twins and unpacking and working. Can't wait for that first weekend where we can just have fun! It's been a long time since I've had a weekend like that.

I'm going to do a lot of picture posts next week (time in Colorado with my mom and dad, our trip down here, moving in, the kid's first birthday), and then I'll be feeling caught up in this space too, which will be great. That's kind of what I feel like I'm trying to do everywhere right now...get caught up and organized and settled. But the end is in sight! :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

XOXO 

Overwhelmed (Plus Taking a Little Break)

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Feeling seriously overwhelmed over here. Isn't moving supposed to be one of the most stressful things ever? It's not just me, right? My dogs are doing weird stuff (ie peeing on the white carpet), my babies are doing weird stuff (ie not sleeping on schedule like they normally do, getting sick, screaming with teething pain, poor Luke), I am on these awful fertility drugs (Lupron, I hate you), my husband wants to get unpacked and organized as fast as possible, which I appreciate and love about him, but can't we just order pizza and lay on the couch and watch TV tonight, please? I am exhausted. Plus, one week off work...not enough.

Anyway, there are a lot of really good things happening around here too, of course...my babies are the cutest things ever, I love being back with my husband, my mother-in-law is helping hugely, I love our new home, I went on the most amazing hike yesterday and felt so much better about everything (must make more time to do stuff like that).

And, in an effort to keep my sanity, I'm going to take a little break from this space, probably a week plus or minus while I get things to a bit more normalcy, you know?

I thought this move would be easier...

And an FET at the same time...don't do it...

XOXO 

Grace in Small Things, March 7, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

A few things that are good in my world:

1. A little field trip with the kids to see baby chicks at the local co-op (it's pretty agricultural around here). And their first pizza after, which they loved. (I sent the last picture below to their dad, who called me and said, "Stop doing fun things with the twins without me." It's been brutal for him being away from them for so long.)

2. Our upcoming FET...completely paid for by insurance (except for a small deductible). I can't tell you how incredibly fortunate I feel. Everything we've done up to this point we've paid for 100%. I love my husband's new job.

3. Raining today...love the smell of rain...

4. A cup of hot tea and all cozy inside, dogs napping at my feet...

5. And...we are leaving Monday to officially move to Albuquerque! So excited! My mom and I are driving down, taking two days to make the trip easy on the kids. Close on the house Wednesday, get the keys Thursday, movers come Friday (and it's the kids' first birthday Friday, too). 

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

FET, Buying a House, Moving, the Twins' First Birthday...Yeah, There's a Lot Going On...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Had a nice weekend in Albuquerque with my husband...headed home tomorrow...I miss the kids soooooooo much, but it's hard to complain when my husband has been separated from them so much longer than just my few days.

We've had so much fun together, though, my husband and I...nothing crazy just going to the movies (we saw Warm Bodies...too cute), out for dinners, to a few of the local breweries and we've gotten ready for the twins' birthday (which is next week, OMG), and purchased a few items for the house from local antique stores, we've gotten some really great deals.

And...we really are going to be going ahead with the FET we've been talking about...we've been pretty sure but now it's actually happening...got all the papers notarized Friday and I have a call into the nurse to get my meds and calendar set up.  And it's possible our new insurance is going to pay for all or part of the procedure...that would be so amazing...we've paid for everything up to this point and to have some insurance coverage would be a huge deal...

I need to figure out the doctor situation in ABQ too so I know where to go to get my blood drawn etc...going to try and do that today. We're moving down next week, close a week from Wednesday, will be in the house for Luke and Zoey's birthday...everything's coming together but also happening so fast. Deep breath...it's all going to be good...

XOXO

Sad About Weaning...And What Is Going on With My Hormones?

So, I am in the process weaning our babies, because we want to try for a third child (aka "Freezypants") next spring, and i need to have stopped breastfeeding 3 months before.

I'm not ready.

The kids are ready...maybe have been for some time, I've had to pump quite a bit the past months when one or both of them refuse to nurse. But when one snuggles up and nurses happily...I love that time with my kids.

The target date for being done nursing is December 15th. The kids will be 9 months old. And I'm glad I've been able to breastfeed for that long, even with all the struggles, especially with the fact that I've never made enough milk (they've always gotten about half breast milk, half formula.)

I know it's going to be fine, weaning...there will be other ways to have that closeness, but I am feeling soooooooooo sad about it. And also, kind of edgy and just feeling weird in general, honestly like I'm on fertility drugs and am not myself. Do your hormones do weird things when you stop nursing? I went to check on Dr. Google, but people are so judge-y about breastfeeding, when I click to find information I get a lecture about how important it is to breastfeed your kids for as long as possible, and I already feel bad, I just can't read that kind of thing right now.

This is the first time as a mother I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing. (Although I'm sure it won't be the last.)

And here's the real issue...this is a big step that means they are growing up and of course I want them to grow up and be their own people and have their own lives but how do you let go? This (motherhood, having these babies) is all going so quickly already I don't want to let the breastfeeding stage go. But I need to, and this also isn't the last milestone they'll reach where I need to let go, and I want to be able to do so with grace even though there is pain and loss involved.

Sigh.

It's hard.

XOXO

CCRM: Freezypants Is a Go!

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday! Hope you (US readers) all had a marvelous Thanksgiving. :)

Today I wanted to talk about our visit this week to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), and our thoughts on having a third child.

We've got a few embryos in the freezer, and ever since the twins were born 8 months ago, I've wanted another child, who, thanks to currently being a frozen embryo, my husband has dubbed "Freezypants," or "Freezy" for short. And if we're going to have a third child, we want to do it soon, mostly because of my age...everyone has their own number as far as what is "too old" for kids...mine will be here in less than 2 years, so if we're going to do this, we need to get on it. And we definitely just want one, not twins again, which (hopefully) can be accomplished by transferring just one embryo at a time.

Funny though, with the appointment looming, I started having second thoughts. (My husband has essentially said he's fine with two kids, but is behind me if I want to have three, so the decision is really up to me.) Namely:

1. Am I insane? I'm barely holding it together with two kids, how in the world is three going to work? Plus my husband is about to start a new job, and we might be moving...there's already a lot going on...
2. We know we can handle two, three is such an unknown...
3. Maybe I am ALREADY too old to do this again?
4. My body tolerated a twin pregnancy well (in terms of not having any lingering deleterious effects) and is almost back to normal...will I be so lucky the next time around? (This fear includes the fear that a C-section will be needed next pregnancy)
5. My mother-in-law is going to be helping when I work (part-time, from home)...will she be OK with three kids, or will we have to hire additional help?
6. My husband says I'll have to drive a minivan if we have three kids...I just don't see myself as a minivan kind of person
7. Can we afford three kids? I mean, we can, but will there be any money left over for fun stuff?
8. I was so sick with my pregnancy last time...can I stand to go through that again? Especially with two toddlers?
9. Will we be exhausted ALL THE TIME if we have three kids?
10. Do I really want to go through infertility treatments again? All the drugs, all the time (our clinic is not where we live, which makes even an FET complicated), all the getting our hopes up when this may or may not work...ugh...

Essentially, it all boils down to: will we be stretching ourselves too thin? And is that fair to us and the kids we already have?

And yet, I couldn't bring myself to cancel the appointment. And it didn't make sense to do it (go back to CCRM) if we weren't pretty sure about three, because it was expensive and I had to have a hysteroscopy, which in the past I have found to be excruciatingly painful. 

Anyway, we went. About 5 hours, lots of procedures, LOTS of paperwork and the bottom line is everything looks great and if we want to try, we can.

And now, I'm feeling better about three. (Especially after a couple of good nights of sleep...things are changing with the up-all-night bit the twins have been pulling, but that's another post.)

With us thinking we want to do a transfer in March, the next step is weaning, which I have been really, really, really sad about. If we do March, the twins need to be weaned by mid-December. All the trouble I've had with breastfeeding, I'm surprised how sad I am starting to wean the kids. But interestingly, they are making it easier, as at many feedings neither one is interested in nursing. But those feedings where they settle in and we have that time together...it's so precious...so hard to think of stopping that before we are all ready. But I will have breastfed for nine months, and I'm glad I've been able to for so long. And the twins have never breastfed exclusively, they've always had formula supplement, so that makes the whole weaning thing a little easier too, I think.

Three kids vs. two. I don't know...if you list the pros and cons, there are a lot more things in the cons column (see above.) But I love our kids (the ones we have now) SO MUCH, I think my husband and I are doing a great job, they are so fun and why not have one more, how can one more not add to the joy and fun, laughter and happiness we have? So I guess we (meaning me) are not 100% decided yet, but we're (I'm) pretty sure Freezypants is a go. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Grief + Things I'm Grateful For + The Babies Have Taken the Pain Away

Note: This post is written as part of PAIL Bloggers September Monthly Theme Post. You can check out PAIL here.

I don't talk about the whole infertility thing much anymore, but I have been turning these questions over in my mind for the past few day. In relation to infertility--what did you lose? What do you grieve?

My experience in a nutshell:

• Tried to have a baby in the late 1990s and wasn't able to, but never went to the doctor
• Then, spent the past 5 years to get where we are today, with 2 surgeries, 5 IVFs, 2 early miscarriages, 1 late miscarriage, and finally, finally our perfect and magical six-month-old twins

The babies we lost, especially the late miscarriage--obviously, very hard.

But the other stuff--things I grieve--is more subtle:

• I wish I'd been a young (even very young) mother
• I wish I could have spaced my kids out more
• I wish I hadn't listened to the feminist rhetoric that said put marriage and kids last, your education and job first
• I wish I'd married the right man the first time around...I wasted so much time with that whole disaster
• I wish I hadn't had to work all those hours to pay for fertility treatments (I freelance, and in order to pay for everything we did I worked insane amounts of hours for months at a time)
• Etc.

But with all this, I keep thinking of everything I'm grateful for, too, because for each of these there is a flip side:

• I'm grateful for the fact that I know my marriage can withstand difficult losses and tons and tons of pain
• I'm grateful to be older and mellower--I know I make a better mother at this age than I would have at 20 or even 30
• I don't really mind having my kids close in age...we have the baby twins right now, and are hoping I can get pregnant with one more next year. It's going to be crazy, but so amazing..a great and chaotic adventure
• I'm grateful to have a good, solid, well-paying job--something I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't been so career focused for so many years
• I'm grateful that the traumas I've gone through, like what happened with my first marriage...they have made me a kinder, less selfish person
• I'm so grateful I was able to work all the hours I did, was able to pay for the treatments we needed. A lot of people don't have that option

And also, these things I grieve, I don't really feel the pain of it day-to-day.

A friend of mine who had gone through IVF before me, when I was in the thick of things, she told me that once I have a baby I'll forget all about the pain of it all. When she told me this, I didn't believe her. I'd been sad for so long and, although I didn't know it, there was still a lot more to come. I didn't see how anything could take all that pain away.

Nine whole years I was sad, I can tell you the first day, spring 2003, the azaleas blooming in Portland when my boyfriend--my first serious relationship since my marriage had ended--broke up with me. I was living in San Francisco at the time, he in Oregon, and I remember thinking as he drove me to the airport, "This is the end of me being happy." Little did I know how true that was--it wouldn't be true forever, but for a long, long time.

That was the worst breakup ever.

And then my brother dying.

And having to leave California and the life I'd lived with him (my brother), because it was too painful to stay.

And then all the infertility-related things my husband and I endured...five whole years, that's such a long time...

I'd been sad for so, so, so long...I mean, even the name of my blog is about trying not to be sad. I just can't do it anymore. With the babies, I don't have to do it anymore.

So are there things I grieve and regret? Absolutely. But there is also a lot I'm grateful for, and those feelings of grief aren't part of my everyday life.

I am so incredibly happy right now.

My friend was absolutely right--the babies, they help to wipe out the pain*.

*Except for the pain I feel in relation to what happened to my brother. That pain's still electrically raw, when I think of it. I just have to try not to think of it.

XOXO

Little Girl, Part 2

Meant to include this with yesterday's post but forgot. Love this poem. Today making me think of my extraordinary parents, who were so there for us when we needed them.

XO

Eggs

We turn out

as tippy as

eggs. Legs

are an illusion.

We are held

as in a carton

if someone

loves us.

It's a pity

only loss

proves this.

--Kay Ryan, The New Yorker, August 6, 2012

Little Girl

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday! :)

So, over the weekend, I went with my parents to the Compassionate Friends summer potluck. The Compassionate Friends are for parents who have lost a child, and they make siblings feel welcome, too.

After the dinner, we went down to the airstrip. (Actually, I should have started this post by saying this was held at Alice's, who has this amazing piece of land up above the Colorado National Monument. There's an airstrip (her husband flew planes) and the most beautiful little log chapel, which is where my husband and I got married.)

Anyway, down to the airstrip, and they had balloons, and you could write messages and place them on the balloons and once everyone was ready, you let go and sent them up to Heaven.

I picked out a purple one for my brother. And felt a little sad, but it was OK.

And then almost all the balloons were taken, and there were a few left and I don't know why but I went back and asked if I could have a pink one. For the baby girl we lost to a miscarriage. And I shed some tears for her, holding her pink balloon, which I never do. When it happened, I made myself get over losing her so fast...all I could do to get through it was to focus on the next thing, the next procedure, and that maybe that would bring us a baby. (And it did.) But the sadness is there, buried deep inside.

I tied her balloon to Luke's (my brother's), and sent them up to Heaven together. 

Because I know he's up there looking out for her. 

XOXO

Baby Number Three?

Note: This post was written as part of PAIL Bloggers July 2012 Monthly Theme Post. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I wrote anything infertility-related. (I think I'm trying to block it out. Seriously.) But I wanted to participate in this month's PAIL theme post. And so, some thoughts on family planning, in FAQ format:

Have you completed your family building or are you considering trying to add another child to your family?

I definitely want one more child, and I think my husband is on board, although we will not officially decide until next spring.

Pros: I love our kids so much (we have four-month-old twins)...I see another child as just adding to the love. Being a mom is by far the best thing I've ever done, and I want more of it.

Cons are for the most part about money. Another kid = we'll need more money, and we're doing fine but it's not like there's cash to spare. Also, the logistics of having three children under the age of two (if we try, we're going to try pretty soon) are a little daunting.

What does your “complete” family look like? Has this changed along your infertility journey?

I would have loved to have had a bunch of kids (four? five?), but time is not on my side. I know everyone has a different number in their head about what is "too old" to have kids...my personal number is only two years away. And my husband and I are in agreement that we don't want to have twins again. (The twins are fabulous, mind you...it's mostly the fact that I had a very difficult pregnancy with horrible morning sickness, diabetes, preeclamsia...it just seems safer to have just one next time around. Plus we're in the middle of caring for two four-month-olds at the same time, and that's pretty intense...hard to fathom doing again when you're in the middle of it.)

My infertility has definitely influenced this. I started trying to have children in my 20s, and had I been able to do so then, there would have been time for that bigger family.

Do you think there is such a thing as “optimal” child-spacing? What do you think this is, and what do you base it on?

I kind of like the idea of my kids being close in age. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a bit of a break before having an infant again. But that's an option I don't have, so I don't really think about it.

Are you factoring in how far apart your children would be in your decision to start trying again? How so?

The clock is ticking, so I don't feel I have the luxury of making a choice about child spacing. But I'm OK with that.

If you are planning to add to your family, what considerations must you take into account (i.e. beginning treatment again, pursuing adoption again, finances, etc.)

I've had two surgeries, a cancelled IVF, two fresh IVF cycles ending in chemical pregnancies, a fresh IVF cycle ending in a late miscarriage, and a FET resulting in my twins. There's no question about fresh IVF cycles not being an option AT ALL...we are done as far as money, emotion, travel, time, how hard it all is on my body, etc.

We do, however, have five frozen embryos (or "freezer tots" as my husband calls them), and that's where our hope for one more child lies. FETs aren't terribly expensive, so thankfully money is not a big issue. What are issues are the following:

• The emotional investment, although I'm hoping it will be easier to go through treatment already having kids. Still, deciding you really want one more and then not being able to make that happen would be hard
• Do I want to put my body through all that again?
• There's travel involved to our out-of-state clinic
• As I mentioned, we're not willing to risk twins again, which for us means putting in one embryo at a time, which on each try lowers our chances of success, but we don't see any other option (we're not willing to do selective termination)

Knowing what you know now, what are your emotional considerations in trying for a second (or third, or fourth, etc.)? 

I just have to approach this as though one of those embryos will work (although I know that is not guaranteed). Anything else and I just can't face all the drugs, the travel, the money, what I'm doing to my body, etc. Honestly, the love I feel we have to give to another child makes dealing with all the emotion of this worth it. I've been trying to put the hardness of trying to have children out of my mind, and hope to continue to do that if we try for another...instead of my whole life being invested in the outcome, just try, and make it as minimally disruptive as possible (the process of trying to get pregnant), and hope for the best. I think I'll be in a very different emotional place and hoping, hoping, hoping it'll be easier.

Hope you all are having a lovely Wednesday!

XOXO

Greedy

The minute I had my kids, I knew I wanted more. Even with as hard as my pregnancy was, I'd do it again in a second. And we have frozen embryos (or "freezer tots," as my husband has taken to calling them), so more is a possibility. (I can't imagine we'd do another fresh IVF cycle.) My husband and I have agreed to table discussion of more kids until early next year, when the twins will be approaching their first birthday. If we decide to do it, we'll do it right away. My husband at this point seems amenable. He HAS said he wants one vs two at a time, though, and I can understand that. (One seems like it would be so easy. Although one difficult baby is likely as hard or harder than two pretty easy babies, which is what we've ended up with.)

A related (and funny and sweet) conversation with my husband, from last week:

Me: I just got my period. Not even 6 weeks from delivery. Weird.

Him: Maybe that means you're super fertile now. Should we use birth control?

Me: Are you serious? OK, first of all, if we get pregnant on our own, it'll be a miracle. And second, if I did get pregnant, that would be so awesome...all the money and time we'd save versus going to the clinic, not to mention all the drugs I wouldn't have to be on...

Him: Yeah, but I feel bad for the freezer tots. I want to spring some more freezer tots, don't you?

And I totally get it. Those embryos in the freezer...I hate the thought of not giving them a chance at making it.

By the way, the only considerations in my mind for us not having a bunch more kids are 1) my age (I'm three years away from what I personally, for me, consider "too old") and 2) being able to do what we want with the kids financially (eg send them to good colleges). Because of these factors, if we do try it (try to have more kids), another successful pregnancy would almost certainly be my last.

We'll see how we feel in nine months or so...

XO

2011: A Look Back

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Hope you all have great New Year's Eve plans! We're laying low, which is fine. Unless we're traveling, I'm not a huge one for New Year's Eve, pregnant or not.

Like most everyone else, the end of the year is always kind of a reflective time for me. Thought I'd share some of what I've been thinking about:

January

We took a belated three-week honeymoon to Europe the end of 2010/beginning of 2011...spent New Year's in Prague (amazing...would do it again in a heartbeat) and the first few days of the year in Venice:

As soon as we got home, we got word that my husband's dad was very sick...we went straight to Las Vegas to be with him, and he died a week later. So hard, but I'm so glad we got that time together.

And then, straight to Denver for IVF #4.

February

The transfer for IVF #4 happened in February...AND we got a BPF! A good solid one, too...all my previous ones had been iffy and ended up being chemical pregnancies. We were so excited!

Didn't feel too bad for the first few weeks, and did some nice easy walks in the Colorado National Monument, which is super close to our house:

March

I was sick, sick, sick with the pregnancy.

We went to Vegas again to see and help my husband's mom. 

Spring started to arrive:

April

We lost our baby, a girl, at 11 weeks 5 days...so close to being out of the first trimester and "safe." It was devastating, but my husband and I were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. We lay on the couch in the evenings and drank wine and talked and cried. And then when we couldn't cry anymore we watched episodes of "Wipeout" which is the most ridiculous TV show ever...have never watched before or since but somehow the stupidness and silliness was what we needed.

Family and friends were wonderful, too.

And got back to being active, with one quick weekend snowboarding trip with my brother (we took his snowmobiles out into the backcountry...he'd run me up a hill and I'd snowboard down). So fun even though the snow sucked as it was so late in the season.

I also started hiking, including an incredible day trip to Moab with my mom and dad.

One of the places I went a lot in those first few weeks after the miscarriage was Holy Cross trail. When I first moved to the area, I'd stumbled on this cross. Didn't learn until years later that I knew the woman who'd brought it into being, and it was for her lost child:

May

Tried to get my body ready for an FET...the D&C wasn't complete...another trip to Denver and our clinic was needed.

Worked hard to recover physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.

Life went on as normal for the cows across the street from my parents:

June

An absolutely lovely hiking trip with my Dad in Utah. We take a trip together every year...it is just the best:

And more "finishing the miscarriage" shenanigans and another trip to our Denver clinic.

And the start of our summer vacation, driving to the West coast to camp and hang out with tons of friends...so fun and exactly what we needed.

July

Summer vacation continued...from the start: Highway 50 through Nevada on the way out, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver, Salt Lake City on the way home. It was lovely. Here's my husband and I at a BBQ with my BFF, Lake Washington, Seattle:

We also went to Santa Barbara for a long weekend to attend a gorgeous wedding, and again got to spend time with lots of freinds...so wonderful.

And...back to Denver for the FET...stayed with my brother which is always great...had my birthday 2 days before the transfer, and on the last day of the month...another BFP! Yay!

August

Did a short camping trip with my brother, but for the most part sick, sick, sick. 

Learned we had twins!

My mother's organic garden was going crazy...

September

Camped again, this time with my whole family:

Still sick, but all was going well.

October

A fun trip to Denver to celebrate our anniversary.

Other than that, laying low with the pregnancy.

The first snow up in the mountains was so pretty (this is at my brother's house, where he and I and my brother who died grew up):

November 

Went with my husband to Mobile, AL and gulf coast Mississippi to check out a potential job. We celebrated his birthday while we were there...so fun, although traveling wasn't all that easy...

And later in the month, Thanksgiving at our house with lots of people. My husband and his mom did all the cooking! :)

December

Holidays at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains. Here's our boxer Newton playing in the snow:

My pregnancy at 25 weeks is still going strong! :)

So, all in all, a heartbreaking year with the loss of my father-in-law and our unborn baby. A year consumed with doctor visits. Lots and lots of travel (which probably won't happen again for some time). Lots of time with freinds and family. And the most joyous year ever, in that we are so close to bringing home two real, live babies--something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me.

A roller coaster year.

Praying that everything--two healthy babies, graduation for my husband and hopefully a good job offer, a possible move to we're not sure where--will go our way in 2012, which should be a year filled with happiness, but will also probably contain a number of huge transitions.

Happy New Year to you all! Blogging has brought me such joy this year--and your presence has been central to that. Thank you for being here, and looking forward to sharing all that will be 2012.

XOXO

Kristen

"Youthful Wonder"

Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...

A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"

"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow." 

Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?

All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...

Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)

Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?

I miss it...

XO

Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.

Due Date

I should have known something was wrong when I started getting upset this morning for no reason. I mean, I have annoying conference calls all the time. And my email suddenly isn't working, but that's no big deal. That's fixable. Like my dad says, if you can throw money at it and fix it, it isn't a problem.

Driving over to my Mom and Dad's for lunch, I started bawling...I mean, not just a few tears, but a full-on breakdown. And then I knew what was wrong.

The baby I miscarried in April, she was supposed to be born right about today.

I try not to think about what happened last spring with the miscarriage, and maybe that's a mistake. Subconsciously, I know. It sneaks up on me. And it hurts so much.

It's days like this I feel like everything I've been through has broken me beyond repair. I just get so scared. I try so hard to have everything be OK and to count my blessings and move forward, but sometimes I  just feel like I can't bear all that has been given to me.

But what is there to do, except keep getting up every morning and try?

And I WILL have babies...or I hope that I will. There are two babies growing inside me, but I've been scared, especially these past few weeks, that something is going to happen to them. I'll just start crying about it for no reason, telling my husband I don't think I have the strength to try again if something happens. And I've been having very vivid miscarriage dreams.

Deep breaths. I'm sure everything is going to look better tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Image credit: Fighunt via Etsy.

11 Weeks 5 Days

11 weeks 5 days pregnant today...the day we found out last spring our baby girl had died (we lost our baby at 9 weeks, but it was a missed miscarriage, so we didn't know what had happened until a couple weeks after the fact).

Feeling sad about that lost baby today...I would have been due with her in just over a month...I so wish I was about to have that baby.

Looking at it from a different angle (that of my current pregnancy), everything after today is new territory. Feeling lucky and grateful to have made it this far. Hoping these babies go all the way.

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

So Scared I'm Not Pregnant. And Feeling So Lost...

Woke up feeling really down and defeated this morning, and like I'm making up all these pregnancy symptoms I've been obsessing over all week...like it's all in my head. The worst part is I've been telling my husband about potential symptoms and he's excited...thinks that I'm probably pregnant and what if I'm not? What if I got his hopes up for no reason? Yeah, I'm tired (fell asleep on the couch before dinner last night), and thinking my sense of smell might be more sensitive, and my stomach's upset this morning (probably totally unrelated), but maybe I just want this so bad, I'm seeing symptoms where there aren't any.

I'm also having a total existential crisis (ongoing, but it's reared its ugly head this morning...of course this can't just be about whether I'm pregnant or not...that would be too easy.) I just feel so lost. I have really since my brother's death. What do you do when you've lost your best friend in the world and a whole life that you loved, one where we were young and we lived together and surfed every day and took care of each other and nothing truly bad had ever happened to us?

What does it all mean...you know...life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Why can't I have something good and happy and life-affirming (eg, a baby) happen...why does everything have to be about death and loss and failure?*

The two week wait is awful...just want it to be over...

*My mom would have me add here that there is a lot of good in my life, and it's true. My husband, my family, my friends, money, health (except for this infertility thing), etc. But my brother's death, leaving California, not feeling like I'm doing anything worthwhile in my professional life, and especially right now our repeated failures to have a baby...I'm mean it's just been years of month after month after month of disappointment, plus a heartbreaking miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies that were honestly almost as bad...all this is really taking its toll...

Sorry...trying to be strong and brave...just can't rise to the occasion this morning...