Really Struggling

*WARNING* This is a very negative post..feel free to skip and check back on Monday, when I'll have news on how my lining check went over the weekend.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and relaxed during this cycle, but today I need to vent.

I feel terrible.

Physically just tired and heavy...I'm so sick of my body not being my own. In my break between the miscarriage and this cycle I lost some weight, but I didn't want to do any heavy-duty dieting as I wanted to make sure not to deplete my body of nutrients...if I don't get pregnant this cycle though I swear I'm going to really push to lose some weight...I mean right away...

Also not being able to hike or go to yoga is driving me crazy...feeling so cooped up.

And the physical challenges are nothing compared to what's going on emotionally. I'm SO touchy and cranky, don't want to be around anyone, don't want to do anything, am hating my job at the moment and my job is fine, am not able to concentrate and write. And my husband and I usually never fight, but when I'm on these drugs it's a struggle for both of us not to get angry with each other and I know it's because I'm acting crazy.

Like we were at the grocery store last night, and he didn't have any ideas for what to get for dinner and that made me so angry, which is ridiculous. I wanted to scream at him in the store:

"I'm on drugs! I need help! I need you to take care of me! How dare you expect me to figure out what to have for dinner!"

But thankfully, I refrained. Still, I was pouty, which made him annoyed, which made me even madder...you get the idea. We ended up back home ordering a pizza and letting it all go, but this sucks. Things like this never happen when we're leading our normal lives.

And I'm trying to get out (and feel really good when I do)...I have a few things planned for next week but generally don't want to see anyone because I feel so fat and moody and yuccy...

And then I'm not sleeping well, and there's just this constant hum of anxiety...

How do other people do this? I feel like I'm the only one falling apart like this.

I'm picturing comments in response to this post along the lines of: "You're so ungrateful. You're so lucky you get to do an FET. You don't deserve to be a mother because you aren't willing to make sacrifices for your baby."

But I will do anything to have a baby. Anything. I think the problem is this is my 5th time going through an IVF cycle and in my experience there's no baby associated with this...it's all for nothing.

I always thought the limiting factor in all this would be the money and the embryos we have for future FETs (we won't go through another full IVF cycle). Now I'm thinking my ability to handle all this emotionally may be what ends all this for us. I'm so tired and worn down from all this. Not sure how much more of this I can do.

Ugh...I'm not even to the two week wait yet.

Thanks for indulging me...

XO