Up In The Air

This has been a really hard post to write for some reason...I've started it like five times...but today I'm going to write it and hit "publish" so I can maybe quit obsessing over all that's going on...

My husband just graduated from college with an engineering degree (he went back to school on the GI Bill), and a few months ago we though he had found a job in Salt Lake City and that we were set. It was a great job, and I was excited about SLC because it's not far from my family and it's in the West where I feel most comfortable and there's so much great outdoor stuff going on (hiking, snowboarding, etc.)

Well, we found out right around the time the babies were born that that job is not going to happen. We were a lot less upset about it than we would have been otherwise, because we had just had two beautiful healthy babies and figured that's all that really matters, right?

So now my husband is job hunting. Which doesn't really scare me...he's got a great resume and I don't think it's going to be a problem for him to get a job. Plus we're living pretty cheaply right now and there's no financial pressure for him to start working right away. And honestly it's ideal to have him at the house at the moment 24/7...he helps sooooooo much with the twins....ladies who do this on their own, I am in awe of you...don't know how you do it.

So I'm not worried about the job part. The part that is freaking me out a little is the moving. My husband's looking in the town where we live, but it's unlikely that he'll be able to find what he's looking for (it's a small town without a lot of opportunity). He's also looking in Colorado and Utah, either of which would keep us close to family and so wouldn't be such a big deal.

But we're also open to moving away. Maybe somewhere I know I want to go (eg, Seattle). But more likely somewhere I've never lived (right now there's talk of Virginia and Minnesota).

I hate change in general and moving in particular. There's fear surrounding going to a new place. But the biggest thing for me is not living near my family. Especially with the twins...it's really important to me that they are close to my parents. I've actually got a lot of grief tied up in this...it's so hard, and also I don't want to hurt my mom and dad in any way. There have definitely been tears and sleepless nights on my part over this, and my husband and I don't even know what we're doing yet.

Anyway, I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side/focus on the positives, such as:

1. We might end up close by, in which case all this worrying is for nothing
2. My parents like to travel and will come see us (we'll make sure wherever we end up there's a nice place for guests)
3. We can come visit as a family, and I can come for extra visits with the kids
4. There's phone and email and iChat etc.
5. I was VERY close to my grandparents growing up, even though they lived in another state, because my parents sent me to stay with them twice a year (Seattle in the summer, Mexico in the winter) for weeks at a time...some of the best memories of my life...we can do the same with our kids
6. My husband having a job is going to be amazing. We've done fine while he's been in school, but it'll be nice not to have the weight of providing for the family on my shoulders
7. Him having a job also means I can work part time, which is huge, as all I want to do is be at home with the twins (I freelance/telecommute so I can work from anywhere, which is a blessing)
8. A new town/city is going to be cool. I like exploring new places
9. A new house to decorate will be super fun
10. Also looking forward to being somewhere where I can settle in and be a bit more sociable than I've been here. I've had a hard time making friends here, which has never been the case for me. Part of it is when I moved here, I was so overwhelmed with grief over my brother's death that I didn't want to be around people I didn't know well. Plus I traveled a ton for work and pleasure, and got to see a lot of friends doing that, so there wasn't a huge need to make new ones. And I had my parents to hang out with

Anyway, lots to look forward to with this next chapter in our lives, wherever it may take us. And wherever we go, it doesn't have to be forever. That's the other thing...I always worry so much about making decisions like this because I feel like I have to make the "right" decision. But whatever we decide, we can change if it ends up not working for us.

Just trying really hard not to stress about all this and enjoy the here and now, which is me and my husband at home (I have one more month of maternity leave), my parents close by, a beautiful spring-moving-into-summer, great opportunities on the horizon...