Holidays

Hi Everyone! Happy New Year!

Wanted to share some pictures and stories of the holidays today. Honestly, this was kind of a tough one for us...Hunter, our daughter we lost, her due date was yesterday and my husband and I really felt it all month long. But, as usual, we did our best to make things as good as we could and count our blessings. There were some really great moments, and I LOVED seeing my family, as always, but overall I'm so glad the holidays are over.

We were going to Colorado for X-mas, so we didn't do much around the house...we did put up our fake "disco tree," though. (My husband thinks our tree should be fake and I think real, we each get our way every other year.)

A week or so before X-mas, we had a surprise visit from my husband's niece and nephew, originally from Kuwait, now in college in Arizona. It was lovely to meet them and have them for a few days. We took them to the duck pond, one of the kid's favorite places. And then to Old Town, where there was an enormous X-mas tree where each branch was an individual tree...it was really cool. Oh, and I let Zo touch a cactus and she got prickers in her hands...yeah, I felt like a bad mom. I try not to hover over them and be too restricting...there are a lot of things I'm terrified of in terms of they could hurt my kids, but cacti isn't one of them. Oh well. Her dad got the prickers out. No major harm done.

Grandma and throwing leaves...happy kids...

We had X-mas in ABQ with my mother-in-law and the kid's presents, so we didn't have to travel with those. And then drove to Colorado up Highway 285...very isolated and rural, gorgeous drive, full of fields of cows and horses...the kids were entertained the whole 6 hours just pointing out the cows and horses...it was amazing. Also, on the way up in the San Luis Valley, it was minus 3 degrees and everything was covered in ice. One of my favorite parts of Colorado and so, so beautiful.

We had an early X-mas dinner with my extended family at my uncle's place in Evergreen...so gorgeous where he lives. And there were deer that hung around the house for an hour or so, which was pretty cool. The picture below is me and Zo and my Mom and Aunt Judy, who was a big part of my life growing up. Love her.

X-mas was kind of disjointed this year, doing things here, and then my uncle's, and my brother's girlfriend had to work and didn't have her kids on X-mas so we did kid presents before, adult presents late on X-mas after my kids had gone to bed and Santa presents the day after...not ideal, but we made it work and not a problem to be flexible...so lucky to get to be with family. Also, don't have any pictures but saw dear friends of ours for X-mas brunch, which was such a nice treat...

Oh, and Pa Pa got Luke a peacock...perfect as that's all Luke talks about since we went to the zoo over Thanksgiving and saw peacocks there...

Otherwise, a lot of hanging out at my brother's up in the mountains, with the kids sweeping (they are really into sweeping right now for some reason), and visiting the chickens, and getting stories read to them, looking at pictures of themselves on Pa Pa's iPad, and both kids got to ride on my brother's bulldozer...Zo liked it more than Luke...

An easy trip back a week later (again, looking for fields of cows and horses...endlessly amusing for the kids). And my husband had/has 2 weeks off work, so we've been doing some fun things around town. Like the aquarium, which is turning into our favorite winter-time outing. Love this pic of my husband and kiddos:

New Year's Eve we decided we should go out and have fun...my husband's best friend is in town and I let my husband plan it. We went to the Monte Carlo Steak house, kind of a dive-y place in the back of a liquor store, but truly the best steak of my life. And so relaxed and cool. Then we went to Il Vicino brewery, also for the first time, very sleek and modern, loved it. And then home 10:30-ish, with drinks in the upstairs "Daddy Lounge" so no one had to be the designated driver. It was a really fun and cool night.

New Year's Day was hard for me...I cried over Hunter, I know I don't talk about it a lot here but I would give anything to have our girl. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean I'm over it...not by a long shot.

But then we made beef borgenoin and hung out in our PJs all day, did sparklers out on the back patio once it was dark to celebrate the start of a New Year and all day I gave thanks for the beautiful, perfect children that I do have:

Love and light to you all.

Wishing the best for all of us in 2014.

XOXO

Thanksgiving Week

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Thanksgiving week was full of light and love, friends and family with my husband and mother-in-law (neither of whom made it into these pictures...my husband was feeling anti-camera and my mother-in-law had just had eye surgery), my parents, my dear friends from Santa Barbara days Jason and Danielle (and their dog Lucy, who they got during the short time they lived with me in the Cota house before moving to Seattle...Lucy is the coolest dog in the world and an old friend of Dexter's...so glad they got to see each other.)

One morning we went to the zoo, early, our first time there. We pretty much had the place to ourselves...

Fruit cup is a holiday tradition in my family...everyone helps to cut up grapefruit and oranges, grapes and pineapple. The twins helped too, Luke reaching for ingredients Danielle was putting together for dinner so there ended up being tomatoes and chicken in there (which my mom thankfully took out). There was also continual taste testing on the part of both of the twins.

Thanksgiving day there was lots of football with Grammy and Grandpa. The kids walked around saying "Football! Kick! Throw!" Grandpa also found pictures of peacocks on the web...with Luke especially, since seeing them at the zoo there has been a peacock obsession...

We went to one of the parks close to our house before the meal. Beautiful, mild day. Good to get some fresh air.

The sweater Zo is wearing is one my grandmother made one of my cousins...my aunt and uncle don't have any girl grandchildren and sent me several of their girls' sweaters when the twins were born. Means SO much to me to have those...

Jason and Danielle and Lucy had to leave on Friday. We were so sad to see them go...

\

Grandpa (whom the kids this trip started calling "Pa-Pa"...after he left they would wander around the house saying "Pa-Pa" over and over). Anyway, Grandpa cut Luke's hair while he was here. Luke's so chill about it...

One night, we went to the River of Lights at the Botanic Gardens. Beautiful. Kids loved it. We even found a peacock for Luke. :)

And lots and lots of hikes...there's this place we go back in the National Forest that is pretty much deserted every time. We made it to the end of one of the trails for the first time. And we found this:

There were a couple more hikes with my mom and dad and the dogs just outside of town.

Dexter is doing so well with his cancer, by the way...still hiking like a champ...so grateful for every day I get to have with him.

We're in full swing for Xmas these days. My husband and I got ALL our shopping done over the weekend (so proud of us)! And our fake white "disco tree" up (goes perfectly in the Daddy Lounge, which is what we call our upstairs TV room.) We're traveling to my brother's for the holidays, so trying to keep things somewhat simple around here. But I'm so glad it's the holiday season. Love this time of year.

XOXO

Summer in Colorado: Part 2

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Posting these pics of the trip Luke and Zo and I took to visit my parents last month (my husband stayed behind and worked only because he was saving all his vacation for a paternity leave)...posting these pictures--especially the ones with me in them--is kind of bittersweet for me...it's like I was talking about the other day, I only have a few more pictures of me pregnant with Hunter, and it's like once they are posted, she is really gone. (Even though I know she is gone already.)

But I need...I know I need to focus on Luke and Zo, and what a lovely time we had in Colorado, visiting Grammy and Grandpa. It's weird to say this I know, but I also feel lucky that Hunter got to have this visit too...this was her one trip...

And so...

My dad flew down to do the drive there and back with us, as I wasn't sure how it was going to be with the twins. Thank you, Dad! The trip was about 8-ish hours with 2 stops...my dad has a talent for finding the best roadside stopping places...this was the first one just outside Durango, CO...we'd get out and give the kids something to snack on and let them and our two boxers (who we brought on vacation too) run around. Worked out great.

Highway 550 out of Durango is really treacherous...big dropoffs, no guard-rails...and made 100 times worse with a crazy hailstorm. My dad drove, we went slowly, we made it...

There's a great playground/sandbox area at the church my mom goes to...we had such fun taking the kids there:

And grass...how I miss grass (there is so much Xeriscaping in New Mexico, including our house), and my parent's property has big swaths of it. We spent lots of time playing on the grass. Buckets of water and measuring cups were also a big hit with the kids...

It was an interesting trip and one where we just needed to be adaptable in that I'd been sick right before, as had the kids...Luke was still sick the first few days and then my dad got sick and then my mom, and the kids were teething and sooooooo fussy (maybe due to being in a different environment as well)...we still had a great vacation, but a lot of allowances had to be made... (plus I was pregnant and not feeling well just from that...)

Grammy got books from the library...lots of time reading...

So fun to play with Grammy!

And Grammy's garden is soooooooooo beautiful. My mother is amazing! One of the most special things for me this trip was she would take one of the kids down to the garden with her each day, and they (the kids) would come back with a flower in their hand, outstretched to give it to me. I collected all the flowers in a little glass over the time we were there...it was so sweet.

This is my mom and my Uncle David, who along with my mother taught me my outdoors skills and is just such a cool guy (my first memories of him are him living in a real teepee.) His daughter and her husband and son came and spent a couple days, too...it was so fun to see them!

Luke and Zo LOVED playing my mom's piano...

Luke used his paci a lot this trip...he so wasn't feeling well, poor thing...

We went downtown one day to Kairos, which is the coolest kid's store. The kids got hats...this pink one on Sissy, and a brown one just like it for Luke...too cute!

And a trip to the water park...Sissy especially loved the fountain...

I've always felt like going to visit my parents is like going to a spa...the setting is so lush and peaceful, my mom makes these amazing and healthy meals with produce from her garden, usually we're going on hikes all the time (although not this trip). I love these pictures of Sissy because they capture that serene feeling...

Good meals three times a day in the sunroom...

And then one afternoon, Grammy set the kids up with chocolate pudding...so fun! :)

More grass time...and oh, those kids love their grandpa! :)

The last weekend we were there was the Palisade Peach Festival, a big annual event. My brother and his family came out and we started with the pancake breakfast (the kids are crazy about pancakes...they ate 6 pancakes between them!), followed by the parade and the car show and the festival itself with peaches of course and booths with food and crafts. 

Too. Many. Pancakes.

(Sissy is in love with her stuffies, by the way...)

Love to see that girl laughing...

And love to see Luke and Zo interact...they have their moments, but for the most part they are so sweet with each other...

Me and Zo and Luke and Hunter...

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

It's raining like crazy here, but if it lets up, we are going to try to get out to the state fair...fun. :)

XOXO

Thank You! And...Summer in Colorado: Part 1

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

First of all, I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me in the wake of the terrible thing that has happened to our precious daughter. Especailly those of you who sent me emails after I put up a post and took it down last week...means a lot.

I think this blog is going to be kind of schizophrenic for a while, as I try to come to terms with what happened with our baby girl...and also, I don't want to stop writing about the joy that Luke and Zo bring into our lives...it's really important for me not to push that aside as I deal with what is turning out to be some pretty overwhelming grief (more on that later in the week, I'm sure...)

To that end, I want to catch up on posting pictures...I'm so behind and I don't want these memories to get lost.

First up: the birthday trip (for my birthday) we took to Colorado a little over a month ago, just over the New Mexico border outside a town called Antonito. What a beautiful part of the state (and that Northern part of New Mexico...so beautiful as well). My parents got us cabins and my brother and his family came down too. We stayed at a place called Mogote Meadows, wich wasn't fancy, but so pretty, lush and green and the cabins were super cute and spotlessly clean.

There's a really cool train in Antonito that I'd love to take the kids on someday, but this trip, a visit to the train yard had to suffice:

Cousins: :)

After naps, my mom and the kids and I went to the river and spent a couple hours throwing rocks in...the kids had such a good time...

Grandpa spent a lot of time with the kids playing "Say Goodbye," which entails the kids getting turned upside down...they love it.

My brother made mango salsa as an appetizer, and fish tacos for dinner. Luke could not get enough of the salsa:

After the kids went to bed, we had a fire in the fire ring right behind our cabin, and had cake and ice cream and smores and presents for me. Love this picture of me below...lovely to be so happy on my birthday...

The next day, we all hung out together at camp unitl after lunch...so nice. So great to see everyone...we had such a wonderful weekend...Thanks Mom and Dad for making my birthday so special!!!

 

Sandia Mountain Tram

Hello Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

First of all, thank you all so much for all your kind words on Monday about my sadness over my brother, and also all the congrats surrounding our baby news. Means a lot.

I am feeling emotionally better than earlier in the week. And for those of you who have asked if I am maybe having twins, my first beta with the twins was in the 600s, vs 161 this time. And we only transferred one embryo. I know none of that is a guarantee, but, oh, man, we are not prepared for twins. I don't think it's twins. First ultrasound is on the 13th...stay tuned...

Anyway, today I wanted to share some pictures from a couple weekends ago (I'm still so behind on my blog...am determined to get caught up this week!) when my mom was here and the kids and the grandmas and I went up the tram on Sandia Mountain. It's about a 20 minute ride each way, amazing views:

At the top you can see all of Albuquerque off to one side, and on the back side is a small ski area, and Santa Fe off in the distance:

We figured it would be fun for the kids to play in the rocks and dirt some before heading back down. That's the kind of thing kids really care about, right? :)

Such a fun way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon!

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, April 29, 2013

Hi Everyone.

I have a really hard time writing the date today in the title of this post. (In fact, I've been purposely mis-dating all my work documents today.)

This is the day my little brother was killed.

I had a massive sobbing breakdown last night that I don't even want to talk about. Like I said to my husband, it's like it's actually happening all over again, not something that's in the past, but something that's about to happen and I'm not going to be able to survive it. (I was living with my brother when he died...I'm the one who got the call, who had to go to the ER where he was already dead, who had to call my parents, which was the worst single thing by far I've ever had to do.)

I have a friend who lost a sister suddenly, tragically a couple weeks ago, and she's said to me, "Please tell me this gets better." And it does, and I told her that, there will come a day where your heart isn't breaking every second.

What I don't tell her is that's only because I've figured out how not to think about it, for the most part. When that's not possible (eg anniversary days like today...my brother's birthday's pretty much a guaranteed trigger, too), the intensity of it still is just purely awful, close to unsurvivable (I know I sound melodramatic, but it's the truth), and the truth is I don't know how people survive this. But people do...

Enough. I have to stay OK for this baby inside me. So I want to talk about some things that are good:

1. Last night after crying, I went and sat with my babies, they were asleep, I sat beside their cribs in the dark, reached through the slats and put a hand on their heads...that did make me feel better, truly
2. Such great beta numbers for the little baby inside of me! (Whom we've been calling "Freezy-pants," or "Freezy" for short since we started talking about using one of our frozen embryos to have one more child). 161 8 days after a 5-day transfer, 456 two days later
3. FaceTime with my parents this morning, who are off on an adventure that yesterday involved a snowy Colorado 4WD pass in the middle of nowhere, no one else around, with possibly not enough gas to get them out (although they made it)
4. I'm having some real problems with the health care system in ABQ. One of the big things: For the fertility stuff, I've needed a couple ultrasounds to find out the thickness and pattern of my uterine lining. When I've gone for these ultrasounds the tech has insisted on spending 45 minutes looking at every conceivable thing related to my reproductive system, even though the order clearly states--and I've clearly told them--that that is not wanted or needed. I've been told they won't do anything unless they do the whole thing. Well, I just got an enormous bill for one of these sessions, and I called the hospital and explained to them, and they were VERY helpful and it seems like it is going to be resolved...was glad for the man helping me who seemed to agree that that shouldn't have happened...I was prepared for a battle...
5. Took the kids and met my husband for lunch today, so nice to be able to do that, especially on a day like today...

Hope you all are having a great day.

XOXO

A Day in the Life... (Nine Months Edition)

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Today I thought I'd give you a glimpse into a typical weekday of ours...I love reading these posts by others, and I wish I had more, but alas, the only other one I have is from when the twins were two months old. These pictures were shot last Monday and without further ado...

Wakeup is at 6 AM sharp and it's almost always me getting up with the kids (a relic from when the twins were up most of the night and my husband took the night shift, with me taking over at 5 AM). Generally I don't mind getting up that early. Sometimes the kids wake up before that but if that happens usually they'll play (somewhat) quietly in their crib.

Once they are up, I take them downstairs one at a time (they are too big for me to carry both any longer), and stand them up against the coffee table in the living room. Luke has a thing for pacifiers lately...we're letting him have them when he wants them. Ideal is one in his mouth and one in his hand. That's one of our two boxers on the couch in the background...the kids and boxers looooooooove each other:

Next comes diaper changes...there is a lot of squirming going on during diaper changes these days, especially on Zoey's part...

After diaper changes I go into the kitchen to make bottles for the kids and a cup of tea for me. The kids crawl into the kitchen to be with me, and then follow me back to the living room:

They drink their bottles lying on the couch, one on either side of me, generally a dog or two close by:

After bottles we go play in the playroom. I'm embarrased by how dirty the rug is in there...I though having a dedicated place for the kids where the dogs couldn't go meant I could do a white rug, but no way. When we move we're replacing it with something that won't show the dirt.

The playroom starts out clean, gets progressively crazier as the day wears on:

After a while in the playroom, it's time to get dressed (usually around 7:30 or so). I dress them in the living room...getting dressed is not a favorite activity...the free twin usually walks around the coffee table, plays with the clothes about to be put on/PJs just taken off:

After the babies get dressed they spend some time roaming around the living room/dining room, which is pretty well child-proofed, although I wouldn't leave them alone in there. They love walking in circles around the coffee table, interacting with the dogs:

Then, it's time for breakfast, generally oatmeal and fruit. Haven't gotten around to changing out the X-mas placemats yet. Breakfast is served with one spoon out of the same bowl. The kids are always enthusiastic about breakfast. While they eat and after, I put my i-POD on shuffle and we listen to music....not kids stuff but just whatever comes up. The kids love music. 

After breakfast, more playing...a favorite activity is both kids walking around with one little scooter. We often read books during this time too...I go often and get a stack from the library so there's always something new.

At 8:45, another bottle:

Then at 9 AM a nap, often until 11 AM although if they wake earlier I get them up.

After they go down for their nap, I shower/dress and then sit down to work (although I generally do a quick voice/email check first thing in the morning just to make sure nothing urgent is happening on the East coast where a lot of my clients are based).

After the kids wake up from their nap, they usually hang out with their dad, although last Monday their dad was under the weather, so we packed up and headed to Grammy and Grandpa's. (I had a full day of calls scheduled, otherwise I would have worked less and watched the kids more.) We're over at my mom and dad's every Wednesday, and the kids go by themselves on Friday afternoons. It's about a 15-minute drive from our house to theirs.

I had a call right away when we arrived, but when I have calls where I have to listen more than talk (like this one where one of my clients was explaining to their writers changes to how graphics are being handled) I do the call with a baby in my lap:

At Grammy and Grandpa's there are toys galore:

And I take lots of little breaks to interact with the kids:

The kids ate some lunch of their own, sat with us during our lunch, and then another bottle and another nap at 1 PM. There can be some resistance in going down for the afternoon nap. Again I work during naptime.

Sometimes--trying to make it always--I'm done with work for the day after the afternoon nap (which ends at 3 PM, or sooner if they wake up), but this day I had a lot going on so Grammy and Grandpa watched the kids. But first, a wake-up snack of puffs with Mommy:

4:30 we packed up to go home...this time of year that coincides with the last of the light:

Dinner at 5 PM:

Followed by a supervised climb up the stairs (the kids love to climb):

Followed by a bath. The kids love baths so much...there are usually a bunch of rubber duckies in the bath with them so we call their baths "Ducky Baths," as in: "Are you ready for your ducky bath?!? Let's climb the stairs and make it happen!"

Followed by bottles, snuggles with Daddy, and a 6 PM bedtime.

So that's our weekdays...this example ended up being a lot less Daddy-centric than normal, but otherwise pretty typical. (Actually, that's probably a good thing...I would have driven my husband crazy following him around with a camera all day, LOL.)

XOXO

A Day in the Life... (Two Months Edition)

Luke's Diary: Our First Christmas

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers! I'm here to tell you all about our first Christmas! It was SPECTACULAR! 

We did it over a couple days, and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend and our cousins Bodie and Bailee came, and Mama's Uncle David, and Daddy's best friend Tim, and Grandma Charlotte and Grammy and Grandpa. Everyone was so happy to be together!

Look at our outfits for Christmas Eve...aren't they awesome?

Shoes off for naps, just like always:

Here's Sissy and Bodie...Bodie loves us soooooo much!

And here's Bailee...she's super cool too!

Grandpa's been wearing this button the whole holiday season...I didn't get it until my mom explained, "Noel."

There were some presents on Christmas Eve...and me and Sis agree, the wrapping is just as much fun as the presents:

Look at the jumpy chair Uncle Ben got us! So fun! Especially for Sissy, who is jumping all the time anyways:

And Mommy's best friends Danielle and Jason sent this crazy bally rampy musicy toy...Grandpa and Bailee put it together for us:

It snowed all day but was especially pretty at night, with the lights Mommy and Daddy put on our fence sparkling:

And we saw Mommy decorate the table for Christmas Eve dinner, but Daddy said we weren't old enough this year because it was past our bedtime. Next year, he said. But we did hear everyone had a super good time, and there were crackers, and an awesome meal Daddy cooked with beef tenderloin and leg of lamb and vegetables out of Julia Child:

The next morning, everyone got up and went over in PJs to Grammy and Grandpa's. First we did stockings:

And then more presents, yippee! Sis and I had some help opening:

Check out the piano Mommy and Daddy gave us! It makes LOTS of noise hehehe...

And the bath towel made to resemble a shark:

While we napped, Mommy and Grandma Charlotte and Grammy and Mommy's Uncle David went for a walk. Mommy said it was BEAUTIFUL out, but too cold for babies:

And then, more presents! Here's the red wagon Grammy and Grandpa got us...Grandpa saw two kids riding in it when he and Grammy were in Amsterdam this fall and chased them down the street so he could find out where to get one. We looooove our new red wagon! Mommy says all spring and summer and fall we'll get to ride in it.

And here's our dino bouncer Grandma Charlotte gave us...you put balls in and they bounce up and down...it's sooooooo cool!

So all in all, it was a GREAT Christmas! Like Grandpa Steve said as we were leaving to go home, "One of the best ever."

Love,

Luke

Hide & Seek

Hi Everyone! Happy Thanksgiving!

At my brother's for the week, in the Colorado mountains, he lives in the house where we grew up and goodness, it's been a long time since there were children in this house. But this week it's been full of them...makes me so happy.

We played hide-and-seek with the babies the other day (one person held one baby and counted, the other held the other baby and went and hid), and I can't tell you how cool and also how surreal it was to hide in the hiding places I used as a child. Made me feel ten years old again, two little brothers, my mom with a beef stew simmering on the wood burning stove and soon she'll be sitting down to read to us, fires crackling, horses out in the dried grass of the meadow...

Love that I'm still able to come home to this house. It really is a magical place...

Hope everyone enjoys today. Can't tell you how excited I am to have four whole days off. :)

XOXO

Image credit: Courtney Burgess (pinned from bing.com) via Pintrest.

The "B" Book

Over at my Mom and Dad's this morning, in the living room working and my mom's with the kids in the kitchen. When she starts reading to Luke, I can't help but stop and listen...she has the books she used to read to me when I was little...makes me feel like I'm a little kid again, listening to her read the stories she read to me over and over and over. 

"Big brown bear, blue bull, beautiful babboon, blowing bubbles, biking backwards..." 

Happy Wednesday!

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, October 22, 2012

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

We went over to the other side of the state (Colorado's Front Range, which is where I grew up and went to college) this past weekend...here are a few of the lovely things that happened:

1) In Boulder on Friday, my husband otherwise occupied, I took the kids to the creekside park by the library...the library's beautiful...and you can see the Flatirons from there...and the kids saw ducks for the first time...they (the kids) were mesmerized...so fun. :)

2) Saw a bunch of friends, which was so great. Here's Sissy with Dwight...I used to babysit his two boys way back when (college) and the whole family...they've been such dear friends ever since:

Actually, one of my favorite memories ever...out on Cape Cod with this family (they have a summer home there), this is after I'd moved away but I spent a week with them and we drove out on the beach every day, cooler full of drinks and sandwiches, I taught the kids to surf that summer. Anyway, we'd gone to dinner at a friend's camp one night and the old army vehicle, open aired...there was no one on the beach and Dwight said to his 10-year-old son, "Do you want to drive?" and his son was so excited and Dwight gently coached him as he drove along the sand tracks on the beach, me and his brother and their sandy dog in the back, the night warm, the stars shining, our bellies full of lobster. Such a simple memory but so, so precious. I always think of that old Jack Johnson song with the line, "Stars were just the holes to Heaven" when I think of that night.

And here's Sissy with the daughter of friends of mine from San Francisco who now live in Denver: 

I have a great Jack Johnson memory with her (the wife), too, going to see him in concert at the Fillmore in San Francisco, one of the best concerts ever. At the Fillmore, they hand out posters after each concert and I have mine from that night framed, kind of symbolic of that and all our other fun nights out together (and there were many).

3) The kids traveled so well...4+ hours in the car each way, different beds each night, their routine totally messed up and barely a complaint...they are so amazing. Oh, and they are teething too...you can definitely feel a tooth coming in on each of them, and kind of see it...there's some discoloration in the area at any rate... They were such troupers...

4) As always so, so lovely to see my brother Ben. Actually, I had kind of a weird thing happen. He's been in Mexico and is all scruffy with a few day's beard growth, which I don't ever think I've seen on him. Anyway, one day he came around the corner and I thought for a split second he was our brother who died. That's the first time that's happened, and I think it was because of the scruff, which my brother who died sported often. My heart skipped a beat, but it wasn't really upsetting, just really, really strange...

5) This is the leading cause of traffic jams in Evergreen, CO, which is where I lived when I was little. Love it.

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey (E 1/2 Road Organic Garden Edition)

Dear Luke and Zoey,

Today I wanted to tell you about your Grammy, and about her fabulous organic garden. (She lives on E 1/2 Road, by the way, which is how it got its name.)

Some of your first vegetables came from this garden--in fact, carrots from this garden were your very first vegetable ever.

And all summer long, when you would go over to Grammy and Grandpa's to visit, Grammy would take you one at a time out to the garden and show you how the vegetables and flowers were doing.

You loved going to the garden.

Your Grammy Peggy--she's had a garden like this every single year my whole life. It's one of the things that defines her...it makes her so happy to grow all these beautiful things...and this year, for the first time, to share them with you!

Whether we stay in Grand Junction or move somewhere else and come back to visit, I know you will have the most amazing memories of your Grammy's garden--just like I do.

Love,

Mommy

Zoey's Diary: A Day in the Desert

Hi Hi Hi!

Zoey here and guess what? Last weekend, Uncle Ben and some friends came to town, and the Blue Angles were here, and we all went out and spent the day in the desert! So much fun!

Mommy and Daddy and Granny stayed with us, but everyone else went riding. Mommy said me and Bubs (that's what I call my brother Luke) can ride quads one day with Uncle Ben, but not motorcycles (even though she knows one's not necessarily safer than the other), because something happened to our Uncle Luke on a motorcycle, and Mommy said she's be too scared the whole time. 

People came back to visit every once in a while:

And then there were the Blue Angles. We were scared of the noise at first, but Mommy told us there was nothing to be afraid of, and then we were OK.

Mommy watched with Bubs:

I actually fell asleep in Daddy's lap right before the good parts. Hopefully next time I'll get to see the show!

Thanks Uncle Ben for coming to visit us!

XOXO

Oh, and PS, Mommy asked me to say 'Please vote for our blog on "Top Baby Blogs"!' All you have to do is CLICK HERE, and then click on the left of the screen that pops up, and that's it. Our blog is currently ranked at #30...and Mommy says to say THANK YOU so much to everyone who has voted. (And also FYI you can vote once a day if you want to vote again.) Mommy's going to ask for votes all week and then quit bugging you all, she promises!

Mickey Rabbit

We just recently put together a playroom for the kids. (Pictures coming, I promise!) Once it had been set up, an old, obviously loved black-and-white stuffed rabbit came up from a box in the basement.

"That's the rabbit you had as a kid, isn't it?" I said to my husband.

"Yeah," he said. "Mickey Rabbit. Did I ever tell you the story of Mickey Rabbit?"

"No."

"Well, one night," he said, "We were driving back to the beach from Disney World, where we'd spent the day. I was asleep, but my dad saw something beside the road, flipped a U turn, went back because he thought it might be a hurt animal, like a little dog, that needed some help. But it wasn't a dog--it was Mickey Rabbit. When I woke up, he was on my chest, and when we got home my mom washed him and we were inseparable after that."

My husband's dad--he was a tough cookie. But I love the image of him going out of his way to help some poor creature, and ending up with a cherished toy for his small son.

XOXO

Luke's Diary: Our First Camping Trip!

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

Today Mommy said I could tell you about the camping trip we took for our first Labor Day weekend! I don't know what Labor Day is about; all I know is Mommy got an extra day off so we got to spend LOTS of time with her.

We got hungry on the ride over, but Mommy fed me as soon as we arrived. That's Uncle Ben's motorcycle in the background...Mommy didn't get any pictures of him this trip, but he was there and it was so fun to see him!

Grammy and Grandpa were there, too. They helped hold us, so we didn't have to sit in the dirt:

The grown-ups made a fire pit for campfires. I've seen fire before at Uncle Ben's...I love watching it...just stare at it, totally mesmerized.

Me and Sissy and Mommy and Daddy had our own tent. Mommy and Daddy bought it used from a friend of Uncle Ben's last weekend. Mommy says she and Daddy went camping in California last summer right before she got pregnant with us, and they camped in her backpacking tent like always, but a friend of Mommy's had a big comfy tent and ever since Daddy saw it he's wanted one. Mommy figured it was a good investment as we'll probably all be car camping--not backpacking--for a few years at least. (Plus, she says, how awesome to get one used and not have to spend the money on a new one.)

And then Uncle Ben and his girlfriend and Grammy and Grandpa stayed in Uncle Ben's camper:

Here's the inside of our tent. We all slept on this air mattress with two sleeping bags zipped together...it was pretty cushy. Mommy says to tell you I'm using the term "sleep" loosely...being in a strange place, we didn't really sleep all that much.

We camped RIGHT next to a pretty little stream...it sounded so nice. Grammy took me and Sissy and put our feet in it. I loved it; Sissy started crying, but I understand...it WAS pretty cold.

Daddy napped me, like he does at home:

There were also these rock cliffs on both sides of our campsite. We saw a marmot on the rocks one morning. And Mommy went out on the ATV with Grandpa that same day and told me they say two big deer--one with fuzzy antlers--and a red fox. She also said the aspen were just starting to turn, with little bits of yellow.

Oh, and Daddy brought our swing. Good call, Daddy!

Our boxers came camping too. Here's Newton keeping the ball away from all the other dogs:

Oh! And Mommy and Grammy took us on our first hike, too! We went on the Colorado Trail, just off of Marshall Pass:

Mommy said that's Mount Ouray, and that maybe we'll all climb it someday:

Sissy got hungry on the trail, but Mommy was prepared, and Grammy fed her a bottle while we walked:

It rained most of the hike...Mommy did her best to keep me dry:

Sissy was in the Baby Bjorn and I was in the Moby Wrap, both of which worked pretty well for hiking. I can't say that we LOVED our first hike, because it was raining and frankly, me and Sissy were both a little bit cranky. But everyone made it back safe and Mommy says we'll try again soon.

Whne we got back to camp, Daddy had made a spit out of willow branches and was roasting sausages. The grown-ups had Smores that night, too. Mommy told me when I'm a little older I can have a Smore too. She said that they are divine.

<<Insert second sleepless night in a row here.>>

And then it was morning and the last day of the trip. Grammy held us and then Mommy held us while Daddy and Grandpa broke camp. (Uncle Ben had to be back so he had left the day before.)

My conclusion of camping (me and Sissy both): We love being outside! Camping was super fun! (Although hiking in the rain is kind of for the birds.)

And Mommy says to tell you her conclusion of camping with two five-month-olds, and I quote: "A lot of work, not much sleep, but sooooooooo fun and worth it!"

Love, 

Luke

Luke's Diary: Palisade Peach Festival

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

Guess what we did this weekend? Palisade is one town over from where we live...it is full of orchards and vineyards, and this weekend was the Palisade Peach Festival, and we got to go!

Friday night Mommy didn't take any pictures, but we went and sat on the grass and listened to some music...the night was warm and the air smelled sweet and Mommy and Daddy had gyros and a beer each with peaches floating in it and there was a bluegrass band and then a rock band from Austin, Texas, which Mommy said sounded just like the music she used to go see on Sixth Street when she went to college down there. Grammy and Grandpa were there too. We had such a fun night.

And here we are Saturday morning...here's Sissy in what Mommy and Daddy call the "playpen" while they were getting us packed and ready. (By the way, I overheard Mommy saying that before she had kids she would never have considered buying something like this and putting it in her living room. But we have so much fun in it...she loves that we have it.)

And here I am in my car seat, ready to go:

Palisade is this really pretty town right at the base of some buttes:

There was quite a line for the pancake breakfast:

And then after the pancake breakfast...and oh! I almost forgot! While Mommy and Daddy were in line for pancakes, we hung out with Grammy and Grandpa, who had gotten there earlier and already had their pancakes. And Grandpa GAVE US BITES OF PANCAKES! (Even though Mommy says all we're supposed to be eating right now is rice cereal.) All I can say is, YUM.

Anyways, after the pancake breakfast, there was a PARADE! It was our first parade and it was so cool. We watched it sitting with Grammy and Grandpa, with Mommy and Daddy standing right behind us:

Oh, and by the way, has Mommy told you about Sophie the Giraffe? Me and Sissy, we each have one, and we LOVE them. They go with us pretty much everywhere.

There were two marching bands in the parade...they were loud but they were so cool:

And the Shiners riding in circles on thier motorcycles:

And the Peach Festival Queen and her court:

And my favorite, obviously--the fire truck. In the fire truck was the Town Grump, which Mommy thought was hil-arious. Apparently, it's an elected position.

So that was the Peach Festival. It was so fun! Grandpa says he hopes wherever Mommy and Daddy move it is a small town that has things like this. I agree.

Love,

Luke

Naming a Son After a Brother Who Died Young: Some Thoughts

Interesting article in the New York Times a few days ago, entitled Naming a Son After a Brother Who Died Young, by Linda K. Wertheimer. In it, she talks about her reasons for NOT doing this, which seem to boil down to the pain it would cause her and her family, and the undue burden it would place on her son.

As some of you know, I have experience with this as well. My brother Luke died in an accident at 27, seven years ago now. We were living together at the time, and his death was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. 

I'd thought about if I were to have a boy I might want to name him Luke, but I always assumed that my husband wouldn't want to. He never knew my brother (I met my husband a few months after my brother's death), and it's been hard for him, how sad I've been for so, so long about what I for years saw as not only the end of my brother's life, but the end of my life, too.

When we started talking about names for the twins, though, it was my husband who said, "Let's name our son Luke." I was so excited to do so, and feel like that encouragement to use my brother's name was such a gift from my husband.

I did have a few reservations, though, some along the same lines of those held by the woman who wrote this article. Would it make me sad to say my brother's name all the time? Would it be too big a burden to place on my child? Would we have expectations that my son would be like my brother?

My son Luke is just four-and-a-half months old, but the experience so far has been very positive. It's not painful to say his name; on the contrary, the name "Luke" is no longer tinged with such sadness...it's easier than ever to say it, hear it, see it written, and I like that my brother Luke is living on in some small way. It's like he's more a part of our world than he has been in a long time, and that makes me very happy.

And while I still think of my brother, it doesn't happen every time I use or hear my son's name. My parents are now in the habit of saying "Our Luke" and "Your Luke" when there needs to be clarification of who we're talking about; I think we all see them as two very separate people, their name being a sweet and loving connection.

I understand making the decision not to use a brother's name. But for us, it's worked. I'm so glad we did it.

XOXO

Baby Number Three?

Note: This post was written as part of PAIL Bloggers July 2012 Monthly Theme Post. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I wrote anything infertility-related. (I think I'm trying to block it out. Seriously.) But I wanted to participate in this month's PAIL theme post. And so, some thoughts on family planning, in FAQ format:

Have you completed your family building or are you considering trying to add another child to your family?

I definitely want one more child, and I think my husband is on board, although we will not officially decide until next spring.

Pros: I love our kids so much (we have four-month-old twins)...I see another child as just adding to the love. Being a mom is by far the best thing I've ever done, and I want more of it.

Cons are for the most part about money. Another kid = we'll need more money, and we're doing fine but it's not like there's cash to spare. Also, the logistics of having three children under the age of two (if we try, we're going to try pretty soon) are a little daunting.

What does your “complete” family look like? Has this changed along your infertility journey?

I would have loved to have had a bunch of kids (four? five?), but time is not on my side. I know everyone has a different number in their head about what is "too old" to have kids...my personal number is only two years away. And my husband and I are in agreement that we don't want to have twins again. (The twins are fabulous, mind you...it's mostly the fact that I had a very difficult pregnancy with horrible morning sickness, diabetes, preeclamsia...it just seems safer to have just one next time around. Plus we're in the middle of caring for two four-month-olds at the same time, and that's pretty intense...hard to fathom doing again when you're in the middle of it.)

My infertility has definitely influenced this. I started trying to have children in my 20s, and had I been able to do so then, there would have been time for that bigger family.

Do you think there is such a thing as “optimal” child-spacing? What do you think this is, and what do you base it on?

I kind of like the idea of my kids being close in age. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a bit of a break before having an infant again. But that's an option I don't have, so I don't really think about it.

Are you factoring in how far apart your children would be in your decision to start trying again? How so?

The clock is ticking, so I don't feel I have the luxury of making a choice about child spacing. But I'm OK with that.

If you are planning to add to your family, what considerations must you take into account (i.e. beginning treatment again, pursuing adoption again, finances, etc.)

I've had two surgeries, a cancelled IVF, two fresh IVF cycles ending in chemical pregnancies, a fresh IVF cycle ending in a late miscarriage, and a FET resulting in my twins. There's no question about fresh IVF cycles not being an option AT ALL...we are done as far as money, emotion, travel, time, how hard it all is on my body, etc.

We do, however, have five frozen embryos (or "freezer tots" as my husband calls them), and that's where our hope for one more child lies. FETs aren't terribly expensive, so thankfully money is not a big issue. What are issues are the following:

• The emotional investment, although I'm hoping it will be easier to go through treatment already having kids. Still, deciding you really want one more and then not being able to make that happen would be hard
• Do I want to put my body through all that again?
• There's travel involved to our out-of-state clinic
• As I mentioned, we're not willing to risk twins again, which for us means putting in one embryo at a time, which on each try lowers our chances of success, but we don't see any other option (we're not willing to do selective termination)

Knowing what you know now, what are your emotional considerations in trying for a second (or third, or fourth, etc.)? 

I just have to approach this as though one of those embryos will work (although I know that is not guaranteed). Anything else and I just can't face all the drugs, the travel, the money, what I'm doing to my body, etc. Honestly, the love I feel we have to give to another child makes dealing with all the emotion of this worth it. I've been trying to put the hardness of trying to have children out of my mind, and hope to continue to do that if we try for another...instead of my whole life being invested in the outcome, just try, and make it as minimally disruptive as possible (the process of trying to get pregnant), and hope for the best. I think I'll be in a very different emotional place and hoping, hoping, hoping it'll be easier.

Hope you all are having a lovely Wednesday!

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Mommy's Birthday (Glenwood Springs, Colorado)

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Mommy said that today I could tell you guys about the trip we all took over the weekend for her birthday. You guys! It was SO FUN! 

Mommy's birthday was Friday, and she took the day off. She told me that years ago when she was a surf instructor she had to work on her birthday and was so bummed about it (even though being a surf instructor was fun work, it was still work, she said). Anyway, she has taken her birthday off ever since.

That morning, we got up early with her and hung out upstairs and laughed and played and danced like we do lately most mornings. And then me and Bubs took a nap TOGETHER--which we almost never do--so that Mommy could pack.

We stopped for lunch just me and Luke and Mommy and Daddy, at a burger place called Vicco's...Mommy says they have the best hamburgers ever!

We hung out in our stroller and had bottles at the end of the meal.

And then for Mommy's birthday Grandma and Grandpa got rooms for us and them and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend at the Hotel Colorado...it was my first hotel and Mommy says it's one of the good ones. Mommy says she has a thing for hotels...not expensive ones, necessarily, just ones that are cool and have some character. She said it was SUCH a treat to get to stay here.

The hotel is right across from the Glenwood Hot Springs. Mommy didn't go there this trip, but she did go with Grandma to the Vapor Caves, which Mommy says are like a natural steam room. Mommy got a massage, too. Meanwhile, Daddy and Grandpa were watching us, and we screamed and screamed, Daddy thinks because the room was kind of hot. But by the time Mommy got back, we were sleeping like little angels.

Here are some pictures of Glenwood. We walked downtown for dinner...everyone ate kind of late because we were waiting for Uncle Ben to get here. Everyone but me and Luke had Italian food at the Italian Underground. Luke and I slept in our stroller.

Mommy got lots of presents, like some books and this trip from Grandma and Grandpa, and a ruby necklace from us and Daddy. Oh, and she wanted me to show you how Uncle Ben wrapped his gift. (The flower was added on by his secretary.)

The next day was so fun, although Mommy didn't take many pictures. We all went to breakfast together, and then Luke and I went walking with Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend went and test-drove the new car Daddy wants to get once he has a job, and then they went up the canyon a little ways and sat on rocks by the river in the sun and waved to the people going by in rafts and kayaks and on paddle boards. Mommy says she can't wait until we are old enough to go on the river.

The last part of the time together was supposed to be going to Uncle Ben's favorite Mexican restaurant ever...but when we got there, it was shut down for nonpayment of taxes. Mommy says hopefully it is open again soon.

And then we drove home and all slept and slept. Mommy says the trip was sooooooo worth all the effort--and one of the best birthdays she's ever had--but she was tired afterwards. I'm sure that had nothing to do with the fact I woke her up at 2 AM and spent the next three hours trying to play. I was so cute...it was hard for her to be firm with me about going back to sleep. Finally, I got fussy, and when that happened Daddy woke up, and Mommy handed me to Daddy and I went right to sleep. Honestly, how hard is it to figure out when a girl just wants her Daddy? 

Anyway, it was a super fun trip, and I can't wait to do another one!

Love,

Zoey

Updates, Updates, Updates

Table of Contents:

• Breastfeeding
• Sleeping
• Postpartum
• Work
• Moving

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Today I wanted to update you all on a bunch of stuff I've been writing about over the past few months:

Breastfeeding

Those of you who've been reading a while know breastfeeding has been a real challenge. Also something I'm really committed to doing. In the beginning I wasn't making near enough milk, and it was also very painful. I was breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula.

Then, I went to pumping 8 time/day, still supplementing with formula.

Then, I tried to work back in actual feedings, all the while making sure I was feeding or pumping 8 times/day, including once at 3 AM, also keeping very careful records to make sure each twin got fed the same amount of breast milk. Plus I was taking all sorts of supplements to help with milk production.

And now...well, the supplements have stopped (I hate taking pills, and it's a relief not to have to do so). The record keeping has stopped, which is also a relief. The 8 times/day rule has stopped. And the pumping for the most part has stopped.

These days, I'm feeding whoever's hungry, trying to make it even, supplementing with formula when needed (most feedings). And while formula is still needed, I'm making a lot more milk than I was (I think)...when I pump sometimes I get up to 5 or 6 ounces total (at the very least 2), whereas 4 used to be my absolute max, and there were many, many sessions where I only got half an ounce or less. 

One thing I AM still doing, is a middle-of-the-night feed or pump (setting my alarm for 3 AM to make that happen).

Anyway, the kids are still getting breastfed, but in a much more relaxed way. It feels right to us. It finally feels natural, after sooooooooo much effort. I'm just kind of letting it be what it will be at this point, vs trying to force my body to do what I want it to do.

Sleeping

Ah, sleep. Still elusive, although my husband is doing a lot of the night shift, which helps tremendously (thanks, Jeff!). Still, I'm in a perpetual state of tiredness...part of being a new mom, though, you know?

We're trying to figure out a nap/bedtime routine, and right now here's where we're at:

Waking 7 AMish plus or minus.

Trying for a short nap around 9 AM (may or may not happen).

Trying for another nap around 1 PM (may or may not happen).

Bedtime routine starting around 6 PMish (having this routine has been so great...kids usually go right to sleep): bath, feed, story, talking about all the things we're grateful for in our day, bed by 7 PMish.

"Dream feed" around 10 PM.

Kids are up once or twice each during the night to eat.

I've been experimenting with taking one of the kids to bed with me, either when I go to bed, or when one wakes up and needs to be fed. (My husband watches the other one through the night.) Jury's still out on how that's going. I'm more rested without doing it and instead letting my husband take the night shift with both kids. But I like that individual time with each kid. We'll see how it all pans out.

Postpartum

After losing a TON of weight the first 6 weeks after the kids were born, the rest of the weight I have to lose is coming off sooooooo slowly. I'm walking with the kids, hiking once a week, going to yoga once or twice a week, eating well...I am losing weight but just at a glacial pace. I am still having the occasional treat and could cut that out, and I guess I could eat smaller portions, and maybe go on longer walks with the kids, but I'm already doing a lot/doing the right things and it's frustrating to be losing the weight so slowly. I'm still 12 lbs from my 140 lb goal.

I hesitate to blame it on breastfeeding, but I've heard it can be hard to lose the last 10 lbs while breastfeeding.

In other postpartum news, my linea negra is almost gone, I am losing tons and tons of hair (annoying...it's all over me and the babies), and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to wear a bikini again, but reserving judgement on that until I lose the rest of the weight (fingers crossed!) I'm getting a lot stronger and in a lot better shape. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my Achilles tendons were hurting a lot after the babies were born, and they seem to be getting back to normal. Also the bruising on my feet I had at the end of my pregnancy seems to be going away.

Work

Work's going pretty well. Working from home is such a blessing. The eventual goal is for me to work 4 hours/day, but right now I'm doing more like 5 or 6 to make ends meet while my husband is job hunting. I've tried lots of different things, and still experimenting, but what seems to be working is me getting up early with the babies and letting my husband sleep after the night shift, handing babies over to him at 11 or so and then working in the afternoon, with breaks for breastfeeding as needed. Occasionally I'll work with a baby in my lap, but I can generally concentrate much better if I go alone to my home office and close the door.

Moving

My husband's still job hunting, but it's going well. We should hear back soon about Virginia (DC area), and he's got an interview this week for a job in Albuquerque (which I am inordinately excited about. Don't know why I'm so excited about Albuquerque, except it's in the West [I would love to stay in the West], is a day's drive from my family, it's pretty cheap to live there, and, I don't know, there's something really beautiful and cool about New Mexico.) There's a possible job in Seattle that's come up (if I have to leave Colorado, I would love, love, love to be in Seattle), and a few things in Denver. The job in LA that my husband was interviewing for doesn't look like it's going to happen. LA would have been great, but it's so expensive...

So basically, everything's still up in the air, with the most likely moves at this juncture Viriginia or Albuquerque. For now I'm just trying to enjoy every day we have here, and spend as much time as I can with my parents, and not worry about the future because we have no idea what's going to happen.

So that's the udpate. All's well, still trying to figure a number of things out, just taking everything day by day.

XOXO