FET Update, + Feeling Some Sadness and Anger About Infertility
Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!
At my brother's in the Colorado mountains, in the house where I grew up, on bed rest after my FET. Flew into Denver Monday night in the middle of a massive snowstorm, my brother came to pick me up which I was so grateful for...I was going to rent a car because I didn't want to impose more than I already was but he and his lovely girlfriend insisted that it was no big deal to take me to/from the airport and I'm so glad they did because a cheap rental car + a foot of snow probably wouldn't have been a very good idea.
Monday night I-70 to get out of town and into the mountains was a parking lot, and i had to have a progesterone shot (intramuscular, in the fanny), so we pulled over at I-70 and Pecos, which is not the best part of town, I pulled my pants down a little and my brother gave me the shot in the 7-11 parking lot...went off without a hitch but yeah, imagine trying to explain that to the police...
FET went wonderfully, they said the one embryo thawed perfectly and the transfer itself was quick and smooth. I slept a good chunk of yesterday so didn't sleep so well last night, it's snowing again here and just beautiful, the whole world is like a black-and-white photo outside...will be lovely to have a day to just relax although bed rest is kind of physically uncomfortable (why is it when you're told you can't sleep on your stomach that that's absolutely all you want to do?). I have some pineapple and cheese and crackers for snacks and I'm sure Ben and his girlfriend will make me a lovely dinner tonight, like they did yesterday. So great to be with my brother. So hard not to be living in the same place as him but we all make the effort to visit each other so it's going to be OK. Feeing so incredibly homesick for Colorado being back here, though.
Anyway, I find out on the 25th--a week from tomorrow--if I am pregnant or not. I (obviously) hope so so so so incredibly much that this FET works. If not, we may try once more, we may not...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Going through fertility procedures again has been extraordinarily difficult, mostly because I feel like I have to totally give up who I am, I don't feel like myself at all--between being on all these drugs, not being able to exercise, gaining weight and not being able to wear a lot of my clothes, dying my hair back to its natural dark color because I'm not comfortable doing highlights during pregnancy, not getting a mani/pedi because I'm suspicious of nail polish, too, not being able to go out on a Saturday night and have a beer or two with my husband--all that's hard. I feel frumpy and housebound. Totally worth it if this ends up with us having a baby. But the odds I've been given are 50/50 and it's hard to think I've potentially gone through all this/put my body through all this for nothing. Not sure I have it in me to do it again. If I could get pregnant naturally there's no question in my mind about us having a third child, but this is my SIXTH IVF procedure and it's just so, so hard to go through this, I had forgotten how hard.
Going through fertility procedures again--it's also brought to the forefront some of the anger and sadness of having to go through this at all, and the loss that not getting to just get pregnant and have babies like everyone else is for me. I am both unspeakably grateful for what has allowed us to have children, and sad and angry about what risks I've had to put my body through, all the money this has cost (and all the insane hours I've worked to pay for it), the years and years of incredible sadness I've lived through...everyone wants me to just be positive...I'm supposed to be positive and look at the gifts this all has given me, right? But instead I'm sad and mad, and I want it to be OK to be sad and mad, and not have everyone tell me I should be grateful, I should buck up and focus on the bright side of things.
One step, one day at a time, though. Nothing to be done these next eight days but rest and see how things turn out. We can make decisions about possibly trying again (or not) after.
I've been putting my hand on my belly, talking to this precious baby inside of me that already feels so real...we're (my husband and I) scared a little to have a third, I mean, will we have the time and energy and resources to make it work? But I know we will. I know it will be lovely and amazing and we won't be able to imagine life without this baby. That will make this whole fertility thing worth it. That's what I have to remind myself. I'm not going through all this for nothing. I'm going through it for another baby. Or, if that doesn't happen, to be able to look back and say, at least we tried...it wasn't meant to be, but at least we tried...
XOXO
