Today Is Luke's Birthday

My brother, who was killed. Six years ago now. He would have been 33 today.

I don't feel like I can write about the reality of how I feel. I feel like I have to hide how I really feel and I hate it. No one wants to be around someone who can't move beyond something like this. The only story anyone wants to hear is the one where you go through hard times and triumph over them, come out the other side stronger and better. But that is just not the truth of what's gone on here, even though I try to pretend that (act as if) it is, every day.

This has totally destroyed the person I was. And I don't know what I'm left with. I get up every day and try, try to love all those in my life (and there are many wonderful people in my life...I get accused of being ungrateful of that fact, but truly I am not), try to be happy.

But the reality is I feel like I lost my life too, have from Day 1. I had a psychologist tell me once my brother and I, because we were so close were "fused," and because of that I have trouble seeing what happened to him as separate from what happened to me. That makes sense to me, makes sense of my strong, strong feelings that my life was taken away as well, feelings that persist to this day. 

I feel so alone. So outside the norm of what grief is supposed to look like. So lost, still. And I have no idea what to do to make it better.

XOXO

It's My Birthday!

Yay! I love birthdays! 

This morning, my husband gave me the loveliest gift--the horseshoe necklace, above. It's tiny, tiny, tiny...the horseshoe is about half the size of the nail on my pinkie...perfect for me, as I don't generally wear flashy jewelry. We saw the necklace shopping in Seattle a few weeks ago...I tried it on and my husband shook his head and said, "Don't like it." So I put it back, and he secretly went back later and got it to surprise me. Love him...he does so awesome in the gift department. A good luck symbol is such a perfect gift right before our FET, too.

After that had a massage...lovely.

Then went to the bookstore and got a big stack of books (love going to the bookstore. And I'm going to need something to entertain me while on bedrest...a girl can only watch so many episodes of The Bachelorette, you know?)

And later, we're going to the Morrison Inn to have Mexican food with my brother, and then to Red Rocks Amphitheater (above) to see a local band and a screening of the movie Twilight. What's not to love about vampires that sparkle?

XOXO

Photo Credits: Twist; Red Rocks Online.