"Only Under Hip-Hop Supervision"

My brother Luke was killed 9 years ago yesterday. I didn't really feel like posting about it, because any sort of grief I'm going through these days...it's really hard to share for some reason...but then again I know isolation is not the answer...so a story:

2003, maybe 2004, washed-out pale-gray cracked 2-lane highway in Baja, Mexico you can only drive on during the day because a) it's not safe at night because, I don't know, we're just told it's not, and b) the speed and swerving of the semi trucks going the other way...are all the drivers drunk?...in the dark...just no...

We're coming back from a surf trip, nothing but salt water and campfires for days, my hair starting to dreadlock, everything filthy, so filthy that the military checkpoint teenagers with machine guns who stop us to search the car start poking around our tent and say what's that and we say hot sauce and they make a face and wave us through.

Anyway. Beastie Boys on I guess a first-generation (or close to it?) i-POD...God, it's been a long time since I had my brother with me...

There's this line before the song starts that talks about scratching a record and don't try this at home, only "under hip-hop supervision," except Luke thought it was only "ON the Hip-Hop Super Vision" like an actual thing you could buy at the store. We must of argued for an hour about it.No cell service so we couldn't Google it. (Did they even have Google back then? I can't remember. Or wireless? God, it's been a long time...) Luke even bought me play-turntables for Christmas that year and elaborately redid the box to brand the toy the "Hip-Hop Super Vision," just to proove his point.

I don't know why this converation sticks with me, but it does. I even use it on my kids sometimes...like they'll want to do something like smell my glass-contained candles and I'll be like, "uh-uh, not without me, only under hip-hop supervision."

My brother does live on in a million ways...

[Click the image above to listen...]

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, April 18, 2014

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Some things I'm grateful for today:

1) Easter is going to be so fun, although there is WAY too much chocolate coming. :) My husband and I have had fun collecting little things for Easter baskets, and the kids and I are going to dye eggs this morning, and there's something that happens in New Mexico called confetti eggs which are real eggs hollowed out and filled with confetti...the kids are going to love it! Plus we're going to do a really nice dinner at the dining room table...looking forward to making the holiday special...

2) My daughter running around the house yesterday with a stuffed bunny as big as her called "Tiny"...cutest thing ever.

3) I put our nice warm down comforter back on our bed last night...we were a little too anxious for spring I think switching it out for a light quilt a few weeks ago...nice to be toasty warm again.

4) Luke's been waking up with bad dreams (usually some sort of animal in his bed, there's been a peacock, a donkey, a dog), but he snuggles into my shoulder while I rock him for a few minutes and then he goes right back down...

5) Didn't realize I had these pictures of Dexter on my phone...I took him on a hike, one of our favorite spots, right before we put him down. It was weird at the end, he would get super distressed and have a massive nosebleed, and then whould be fine. The last nosebleed it was just clear he was hurting before it happened and I just couldn't see letting that happen again; the nosebleeds were happening about twice a day. It was hard to make the decision to let him go...he had late-stage cancer that we couldn't do anything about but I thought it would be obvious when the time came, that he would be obviously weak and sick, but instead it was this weird mix of everything is awful/everything seems fine. Anyway, I did the best I could with the decision...it was going to be hard no matter what. So after the last nosebleed he was fine and so I took him on one last beautiful, peaceful, amazing hike...and when we got back to the (remote national forest) parking lot a motorcycle zoomed by which I took as a sign because my brother Luke--to whom Dexter belonged--loved his motorcycle, actually was on it when he died, too. And then the spot in the last picture makes me so happy because to me that means Luke was with us. And now he's got his dog back and I'm grateful for that. So glad I have these pictures...

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, March 17, 2014

Hi Everyone!

Sorry it's been kind of quiet around here...honestly, a lot going on and have been struggling a bit since Dexy died...and it's not about our dog per se...not really sure why...just a lot weighing on my mind, not sleeping well at all, lots of anxiety about all sorts of things right now for some reason, new work clients that I'm trying to get things running smoothly with, etc. etc. Went to the doctor today and am hoping I have something that will help with the sleep...that seems to be the place to start with all this. And a prescription to help with the anxiety if I need it, but I'm hoping sleeping better will make everything else more manageable. 

That said, wanted to take a minute to write about some of the good things:

1) So incredibly lovely to have my parents here visiting last week. So fun to see Luke and Zo with them...they have such a great relationship with my parents...

2) Made it to the gym this morning despite a somewhat sleepless night. Glad I went...

3) My big work project for the week seems manageable...wasn't sure that was going to be the case...

4) I have a new black sweatshirt that I LOVE that's kept me warm and cozy on this cool late winter day...

5) My mother-in-law's got corned beef and cabbage cooking up for dinner...yum...

Hope all is well with all of you!

XOXO

Dexy

Hey Everyone.

It'll be two weeks tomorrow since we lost my brother Luke's (our) dog, and I just wanted to share a few things.

The kids didn't say anything at first, but have been very interested lately in where Dexter has been. I've been telling them the truth, Dexy got sick, Dexy died, we won't see Dexy again. They talk about it a lot, and sometimes Luke says "Dexter come home!" and today Sis said, "Dexy hiding!" It's been interesting trying to explain death to 2-year-olds. They're not sad, it's just kind of matter-of-fact to them...and perhaps that's how it should be to us, too, I don't know...

I'm sad, but not overwhelmingly so. I think because it's a dog, and it matters, but it's not the same as a person. And also having the time with him I think helped a lot. I am, however, absolutely exhausted and have been since Dex died...just can't seem to get my energy back.

The other thing I wanted to talk about...knowing Dexter was going to die (although we lost him sooner/faster than expected)...I tried really hard to live without regrets, so I wouldn't look back and say, for example gosh, I should have stopped work and taken my dog for a hike. I DID stop work and take my dog for a hike, many times, especially during the last couple months.

I had planned to take Dex out and take pictures of him the Wednesday before he died...but that afternoon everything started to go down, and we thought we were going to lose him that day and it wasn't that big a deal, the picture thing, but I was wishing I'd had a chance to take pictures. And then he got better (sort of), and the next day, Thursday, I took him and our other dog Newton on a nice hike, and got these photos of Dex at the end of it...so grateful to have these pictures, he doesn't even look sick and you can see how much character this dog has (had)...ridiculous amounts.

And then he died the next day...

Big sigh...

Love to you all...

Dexter Died On Friday…And Luke Lives On...

Hi Everyone.

My brother Luke's dog, Dexter, who I inherited after Luke died, died on Friday. I may write about it later but the short of it is he had cancer, we treated it, we thought he'd have longer but treatment failed and then the end came very fast. I'm doing OK. Exhausted, mostly.

I was talking with my dad the next day, and he said, "I have something to send you, I hope it doesn't make you sad, it didn't make me sad, it felt really good."

What he sent was the picture at the end of this post.

But first, the story behind it:

My brother Luke had a retirement account when he died that went to my dad and generates a little bit of money each year. My parents have been donating some of that money to the outdoors program at the local college, earmarking it to be used by students while on outdoors trips for special activities that they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. (Luke loved every imaginable sort of adventure.)

This picture--sent recently to my parents from that program--totally made my day...was exactly what I needed during a very sad time.

I hope it gives you all good feelings as well, especially those of you who knew Luke.

XOXO

Image credit: CMU.

Good and Bad...

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

I've been trying to write a blog post all week, but I feel myself kind of muzzled lately, like if I don't have anything good to say I shouldn't say anything at all. Or, I try to write a post about the good in my life, and it just feels funny, like I'm pretending everything is fine when it's not. 

The truth is, there is good and bad right now.

The bad being just overwhelming sadness about Hunter (not all the time, but when it hits it's really hard to handle), and, worse, flashback-y kind of stuff (PTSD?) to the worst moments of what we went through, just playing it over and over in my mind. Also, my anxiety about Luke and Zo is through the roof. In general, I think I'm still acting normal, getting out and about with them etc., but in my head I am constantly worried that something bad (essentially, them dying) is going to happen. And feeling like if I am vigilant enough, I can keep it from happening. It's not normal. And also and related, work is really, really busy, and I always get into all sorts of weird mental stuff when I am overworked.

But the good...there is also so much good, like my husband and my parents and my friends, especially my best friend who has a knack for calling me up and saying the exact right thing. My children are a joy, pretty much 24/7 (minus the occasional temper tantrum). It's good I have work. We've been doing fun stuff like the pumpkin patch and the Balloon Fiesta and Santa Fe for our anniversary last weekend and my parents were here to visit and that was lovely. Also my husband usually keeps us on a pretty tight budget, but we've been spending some money lately, mostly on fixing up the house, which has been really fun. And, I started working out again and it's good to start to feel stronger, although I have a long way to go to get back to normal. I'm making friends here. I'm sleeping most nights. I'm spending mornings with my kids, despite my heavy workload. Snowboarding season is coming and I can probably go this year. Etc. Etc.

My guess is it's going to be good and bad for a while.

Hating the bad parts, though...I know it's not always going to be this bad, but it sucks to be in the middle of it...

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

Through the Glass...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Strange thing happened late last week.

I had Zo out just the two of us...when I can, I really like just taking one of the twins with me out to do errands. I think it's good for them to have some time alone with me, to not always be a unit.

Anyway, we were at the gas station getting gas, and I didn't want to take Zo out of her car seat because it was such a short amount of time. But I did want to play with her. So I looked through the tinted back window and said, "Peekaboo!" to make her laugh and she giggled, love that giggle and the smile on that girl, one of the best things ever in my life. And then I put my hand on the outside of the window and she put her little hand up to mirror mine...such a small moment, but so sweet.

And it made me think of Hunter, my lost daughter, how there's something like this glass between us, we can never touch, at least not in this life.

Next stop: Car wash, where I got Zo out and was so grateful to be able to tickle her and hold her and touch her warm belly and her hand, skin to skin.

So sad I can't do that with Hunter. It's all so just heartbreakingly sad...

XOXO

Image credit: homewrk.

Grace in Small Things, September 25, 2013

Hi Everyone...

Feeling pretty down this afternoon...having trouble working (I've been trying to write a newsletter article for 2 hours and I have 2 sentences...) ...can't make myself go for a hike (why?...it's gorgeous out...I have the time...the dogs will love it...I'll feel better...) ...figured it would be a good time to list some things that are good in my life, right?

And so:

1. My husband and I and the twins are going out for Chinese food tonight, which sounds lovely. Haven't had Chinese food in months and months (since we moved)...hope we end up at a good place (and that the kids like Chinese...)
2. Big changes are afoot at work...my biggest client, whom I've worked with for 7 years, isn't going to be using freelancers anymore after the first of the year. But I do work for other people and this sort of thing has happened before and another client always comes in to fill the void and I only need to work 20 hours a week...so I'm a little scared, but mostly I'm just trusting that things will be OK. Glad to not be panicked over this...
3. I'm still really up and down, but on the whole probably more up than down. My mornings/evenings with the kids/my husband are generally glorious...just sometimes I have a hard time working instead of thinking about what happened, and late at night when I should be sleeping things aren't always the best. But every minute of every day isn't horrible, and I'm grateful for that...
4. I've got about 15 lbs. left to lose from my pregnancy/fertility drugs and it's not happening very fast...but, my husband wants us to commit to doing this exercise thing together (5 AM classes 4 days a week...ugh...that's going to be hard...) so that should help right? And it will be great to do it together...
5. I've been kind of obsessed with figuring out what the next step is as far as having another baby (or figuring out if there is a next step...)...my husband is urging me to take a 6-month break and I am slowly getting more comfortable with that idea...grateful to have some sort of a plan, even if the plan is to do nothing for a little while...

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday...

XOXO

I feel like the shock is wearing off...also trying to think about the future...and I am just so, so, so sad...

Hey Everyone. Happy Tuesday...

Today I am just feeling sad.

Thinking about my brother who said shortly after my husband and I lost our daughter, "We had to make it work as a family of four, and we have" (meaning after our youngest brother died). "You'll make it work as a family of four, too, if you need to."

And about a dear friend of mine who I talked to yesterday about how afraid I was to get pregnant again and she said, "You can't not do something you really want to do out of fear."

And about a family I read about once who lost a daughter as a child, and tried not to be sad about the fact she was gone, but instead look at it as what a gift to have the time with her that they did.

My husband and I talked with our doctor at the IVF clinic Friday, we have 4 frozen embryos and he said he doesn't see any reason not to try again, although he'd want to do genetic testing on the embryos before transfer to up the chances of things turning out OK. (And that's something we would absolutely do, no question.)

If we tried again, it would be my 7th IVF procedure...I just don't know if I can do it again. I am so exhausted by all that we have been through...

But I want a baby in my arms so badly...

But we (my husband and I) were also a little freaked out about being able to handle three kids when I was pregnant, and I think we need to be honest about that fact and examine it a little closer...

I know we don't need to make a decision today, but my head is all over the place on this, and I do feel like we need to decide sometime in the next couple months...

There is the loss of Hunter and that will never change. (And something else I've been thinking about is the fact I wanted another child partly so if we lost a child...always a fear of mine...it wouldn't be so bad. I thought the more children you have the less the loss of one would hurt. It's ironic that it's Hunter that we lost, and boy, was the math on that wrong, by the way. I don't think it matters at all how many kids you have, the loss of one is terrible no matter what.)

Anyway, layered on top of our loss for me is this sadness and anger and frustration that we aren't necessarily going to have a say in when our family is complete...that the pregnancy with Hunter may be my last.

And it's not even like we get to decide yes we want another baby or no we don't...even if we decide we want to try so many things have to go exactly right for that to actually happen.

If I get pregnant again, I'm not going to complain about anything, not one word. (Although I do want to be honest about the fact that I get very sick when I'm pregnant, and make sure there are allowances in place for that.)

But I will be scared the whole time.

Today, I just feel like a lost little girl, on the verge of tears, nothing makes sense and I am just so, so sad and scared and confused.

Oh and on a completely random note, I can't stop checking that my kids are in their car seats when I'm driving around with them. Where are they going to go, right? But I have to reach back and touch and see that they are still there over and over and over. Crazy...

Really feeling it today. I don't know, I think maybe the shock is wearing off, but I am just so, so, so, so sad right now...and have no idea what to do moving forward...

XOXO 

All Over the Place, Still...

Hi Everyone...

First off, thank you so much to everyone for your continued support...really truly means a lot.

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since we lost our baby girl. Almost 3 weeks since we found out something was terribly wrong. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.

When people ask how I'm doing I generally say, you know, good days and bad days, just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Which is true, but the more complicated truth is that I am all over the place. I can go out with the twins and have a perfectly nice morning. I can obsess over what happened all day. I can work just fine. I can't work at all. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fine and then I'm having flashbacks to the worst possible moments of what happened. (This happened when my brother was killed too and I know it's something I need to take seriously and get help with.) I think my husband is the best. I think my husband is the meanest person on the planet. (Luckily, this doesn't happen very often. And he's not trying to be mean, he just needs different things than I do.) I feel sorry for myself because no one I know in my new town has said a word to me about losing the pregnancy. I feel lucky that I have tons of support and love coming to me from friends and family all over the nation. I understand that what happened is random and has nothing to do with me or anything I did. I feel like the worst mother in the world for not being able to protect my baby. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a good idea. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a terrible idea. I'm trying to stay busy, busy, busy. My husband says he knows I'm not doing well because I am trying to overplan/overschedule. Etc, etc, etc...

All the above can happen--sometimes does happen--in one day, by the way.

I'm doing everything I can think of, from counseling to grief groups, starting to exercise, planning fun things for me and the kids, going on dates with my husband, trying to socialize, making sure I get some sleep and am eating, etc, etc, etc. 

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is trying to give myself time and space to grieve this loss, because there is a very strong sentiment all around for me to just get over it, get back to my old self, move forward. I do believe I need to be there for my kids and my husband...the thing I'm working on right now is how to compartmentalize things--to make sure I have what I need (because denying myself that has had some pretty dire consequences), but to still be a good wife and mother because I know that's so important.  

Anyway, today has been a pretty decent day. Yesterday, not so much. 

This is hard, y'all. 

I hate that I have to live through this. Then again, why not me? I wish there wasn't so much pain in this life...

Up and Down...

Hi Everyone.

Big sigh...

My husband and I are trying to kind of "get back to normal" after the holiday weekend, which I think is the right decision. Overall, I feel generally OK, and then something happens and I start crying and am so, so, so, so sad, and then go back to OK. Spending mornings with the kids, which is awesome, working in the afternoons. Trying not to work too much and just give myself a lot of space right now. I've got a lot of projects but I'm not stressed about the deadlines or anything. Health and family first, I keep thinking. Work will get done as I'm able to get it done.

It's weird going back into the "real world." Like yesterday, I took the kids to story hour, where I've become friendly with the other moms and dads, and everyone there knew I was pregnant. All people said yesterday is, "It's good to see you guys again, it's been a while." And all I said was, "Yeah, we've been on vacation." It's weird that no one's talking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. But I totally understand...how do you bring it up? You can't really say to someone you don't know that well, "Oh, I see you've lost your baby."

And then work...some of the people I work with are close friends and know what's going on. But there's a whole group of people I've worked with for years, and I know they were told some version of what happened (although what I'm gathering is that they were told this was a run-of-the-mill miscarriage, and not really the extent of what was going on)...anyway, some of those people have said I'm so sorry, but most have said nothing. It's weird. Have people just not ever had bad things happen to them? I'm not mad, but it's just so strange...

Today, I went to the funeral home and picked up Hunter's ashes. I cried about it after, but actually going there was strangely devoid of emotion. I have to tell you though, it's killing me that the only place her name will ever actually officially be is on the forms at the funeral home. Absolutely breaks my heart.

Yesterday, both the doctor and the nurse who were with us last week through the hell we went through called to check on me. They both said everyone can't stop thinking about and talking about my family...that we and our circumstances touched them all deeply. Which was cool to hear...I figured they deal with tragedies like this all the time, and we're just one more...

I still can't believe all this is happening.

It's a week today since we lost little Hunter. 

It's been a tough, tough week. Punctuated by joyful moments with the twins, and my husband and I really trying the best we can to take care of each other. And also, really, overall a lot of support from family and friends, and all you guys too...I really appreciate the effort so many people have made to reach out to us.

I hate that this is my "new normal."

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, April 29, 2013

Hi Everyone.

I have a really hard time writing the date today in the title of this post. (In fact, I've been purposely mis-dating all my work documents today.)

This is the day my little brother was killed.

I had a massive sobbing breakdown last night that I don't even want to talk about. Like I said to my husband, it's like it's actually happening all over again, not something that's in the past, but something that's about to happen and I'm not going to be able to survive it. (I was living with my brother when he died...I'm the one who got the call, who had to go to the ER where he was already dead, who had to call my parents, which was the worst single thing by far I've ever had to do.)

I have a friend who lost a sister suddenly, tragically a couple weeks ago, and she's said to me, "Please tell me this gets better." And it does, and I told her that, there will come a day where your heart isn't breaking every second.

What I don't tell her is that's only because I've figured out how not to think about it, for the most part. When that's not possible (eg anniversary days like today...my brother's birthday's pretty much a guaranteed trigger, too), the intensity of it still is just purely awful, close to unsurvivable (I know I sound melodramatic, but it's the truth), and the truth is I don't know how people survive this. But people do...

Enough. I have to stay OK for this baby inside me. So I want to talk about some things that are good:

1. Last night after crying, I went and sat with my babies, they were asleep, I sat beside their cribs in the dark, reached through the slats and put a hand on their heads...that did make me feel better, truly
2. Such great beta numbers for the little baby inside of me! (Whom we've been calling "Freezy-pants," or "Freezy" for short since we started talking about using one of our frozen embryos to have one more child). 161 8 days after a 5-day transfer, 456 two days later
3. FaceTime with my parents this morning, who are off on an adventure that yesterday involved a snowy Colorado 4WD pass in the middle of nowhere, no one else around, with possibly not enough gas to get them out (although they made it)
4. I'm having some real problems with the health care system in ABQ. One of the big things: For the fertility stuff, I've needed a couple ultrasounds to find out the thickness and pattern of my uterine lining. When I've gone for these ultrasounds the tech has insisted on spending 45 minutes looking at every conceivable thing related to my reproductive system, even though the order clearly states--and I've clearly told them--that that is not wanted or needed. I've been told they won't do anything unless they do the whole thing. Well, I just got an enormous bill for one of these sessions, and I called the hospital and explained to them, and they were VERY helpful and it seems like it is going to be resolved...was glad for the man helping me who seemed to agree that that shouldn't have happened...I was prepared for a battle...
5. Took the kids and met my husband for lunch today, so nice to be able to do that, especially on a day like today...

Hope you all are having a great day.

XOXO

20 Questions

Note: This post is written as part of PAIL's "20 Questions" request...I'll update with a link to the other participants once it becomes available...

1. What was the last thing you threw in the garbage?

A Lipton tea bag. I drink 2 cups every morning.

2. What's the #1 most played song on your iPOD?

Actually, this is a funny story. When I was living with my brother Luke before he died, he used to get ahold of my phone and as a joke change the ringtone to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" all the time (not sure why that song, he didn't even like Michael Jackson), and then I'd be traveling for work and my phone would ring and I'd be embarrassed...so unprofessional.

And then one day I realized he'd downloaded "Beat It" onto my iPod and he must have spent all night one night pressing play over and over because it was the #1 most played song by a WIDE margin.

Because he's no longer alive, little memories/reminders like this are so precious...glad I got to think about this this morning...

3. What is your favorite quote?

One of my favorites, because it talks to the simple magic that so many of my days these days are made of:

"It's not every day that the world arranges itself into a poem." --Wallace Stevens

4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Weeding. Followed by putting away the laundry.

5. What is your favorite form of exercise?

Used to be surfing for many years, now I want to say snowboarding...I used to have a season pass and go all the time, but since I've had kids I haven't been able to get it together to go, which is OK, I'll snowboard again. What I actually do these days is hiking and hot yoga.

6. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

I love the light in the evening, just before the sun goes down. And Fall is my favorite time of year, especially in Colorado.

7. What is on your bedside table?

Stacks and stacks of magazines (mostly New Yorkers and Poetry, the occasional Vogue), much to my husband's chagrin.

8. What is your favorite body part?

On me? I used to love that I had a flat, flat stomach...but not so much since having twins. 

9. Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.

Good for sure...I have a hard time being evil. I'm waaaaaay too nice, which is not necessarily a good thing...

10. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would that be?

Whatever age involves having little kids all around me...this time is so happy and precious...so afraid of it passing...

11. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

Buy a slopeside condo in Crested Butte, CO, a cottage on the beach at Rincon (Santa Barbara, CA area), a bungalow in Seattle. Then spend my time traveling amongst the three.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve?

People who do crappy/sloppy work.

13. If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?

How do you survive tragedy and keep yourself intact? I feel like I've barely made it through things life has already thrown at me, and it's inevitable that there's more to come.

14. At what age did you become an adult?

Late 30s.

15. Recommend a book, movie, or television show in 3 sentences.

One of my favorite books ever is called "Holy Land" by D.J. Waldie. It's tiny little essays about a tract home development in Southern California, which sounds so boring but the writing is absolutely brilliant and so incredibly its own. My deepest wish is to write something as cool as this book.

16. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

Pretty much nothing (see #9 above). I did bite my brother in the bathtub when I was a little kid, and then said to my mom, "But Mommy! I didn't bite him! I had my mouth open and he fell on my teeth!"

17. What was the first album you bought with your own money?

I can't remember. I'd like to think it was some cool grunge band like Nirvana, but it was probably some horribly shallow and vapid '80s pop thing.

18. If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?

I've written a book about me (more specifically, about my time in Santa Barbara), and I can't come up with a title. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know...

19. What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?

See #16, above. I've actually recently told my mom that she only gets to bring this incident up 5 more times, so ration wisely. :)

20. True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.

I'm actually partial to the mermaid, given my love of the sea...

XOXO

Going Through Old Files Getting Ready to Write Again, and Finding a Poem That Makes Me Think of My Brother Luke

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

One of the things I want to do this year is write again...I mean, I write here, and for my job Monday through Friday...but I mean work on some of my book-length projects...things I haven't touched in a year or more, being hugely pregnant and then with the twins...

The first step is getting organized, seeing where I left off...no small feat. And interesting what you find when doing so...

I found a poem, one of only two poems I've ever memorized in my life, I love it because it says to me what writing is about, not giving up on your dreams, you know? What the real reward for doing it is.

Also, it's by Charles Bukowski, one of my favorite writers of all time. My brother Luke's (the one who died), too. When we were living together our house was full of his books, and one night we went to see a documentary about him up at UCSB with the drummer in Luke's band. The drummer's girlfriend was always involved in these fancy party-type things and we met the drummer at one of them, there was a photographer taking pictures of people for the society pages of the newspaper or whatever, and a picture of us ended up there, with the same last name it looked like we were a married couple. "This is why I can't get a date in this town," Luke said. Actually, that crowd, where we made the occasional appearance (not really our scene)...pretty much everyone assumed we were just some "cute surfer couple," as the drummer's girlfriend (now wife) tells the story, not brother and sister, I'm assuming because wherever we went we were always together, plus having the same last name...

Missing Luke...wish I had a copy of that picture...I know the drummer's girlfriend has one because she mentioned it last time I saw her...

But, I hugely digress...

Anyway, here's the poem. Excited to be starting to write again...feels good.

afternoons into night

Charles Bukowski

looking out the window

smoking rolled cigarettes

drinking Sanka

and watching the workers

come on in

I wonder, how much longer

can I get away with this?

stories and poems and

paintings

surviving on that.

an insane girlfriend

years younger

who loves me

types at her novel

in the kitchen

my stories, my poems...

what is a poem?

a book by Celine sits on

the edge of the bathtub.

I read it when I bathe

and laugh.

the workers come in now

I see their faces,

the insides scraped away,

the outsides

missing.

I've had their jobs,

their goldfish 

security

Segovia plays to me 

so softly from the

radio, the daylight's going.

look here--

the trip's been worth it,

while jetliners go to New York and

Georgia and Texas

I sit surrounded by hymns that

nobody can ever take away

as the workers bend over

hot soup and cold

wives.

Thanks for spending some time here this week. Hope you have a lovely weekend. :)

XOXO

Image Credit: luckyfish.

Everything Just Feels So Heavy Right Now...

Hi Everyone...

Gosh, what a strange week this has been. Three things:

1. The whole Newtown tragedy has been so hugely on my mind. 
2. I have been missing Luke--my brother who died--so much this week. Maybe because it feels like the whole nation is grieving. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe something else I don't know but I just have these little snippets of memories running around in my head. Like the year we drove home in the middle of the night for Xmas, Santa Barbara to Colorado, and Luke was pushing it as far as having enough gas and we ran out in the middle of the desert in CA right before the Nevada border...we could see that first Nevada casino town sparkling in the distance. And while we waited for Triple A Luke took his boxer Dexter out and chased him around the Joshua trees on the side of the road...or the time years before he and his girlfriend came to visit me Xmas time in San Francisco and we went to see the Smuin Ballet and then to the bar in the W Hotel...such a fun and unusually swanky night...or the argument we had about the Beastie Boys song where they talk about making a record scratch and then say "don't try this at home boys and girls, only under hip-hop supervision," except Luke thought they said only ON THE Hip-Hop SuperVision, like it was a product you could buy. Why didn't we just look it up on the internet to see who was right? I think we may have been in Baja, or did people not just jump on Google to resolve arguments back then? Anyway, for Xmas that year he bought me a kid's DJ turntable set-up and wrote Hip-Hop SuperVision all over the box...or I think back to when he was a baby, he was born in November and I have such clear memories of me as a little kid, rocking him in the dark in his room with the zoo animal curtains, singing him Christmas carols...big sigh...don't know why I'm thinking of him so much right now...
3. And then, to top it all off, I've been procrastinating on a work project...we are doing a video of a little six-year-old girl with cancer...my client, their product is helping her...and my job is to write the interview questions for her and her brother and her parents. Her mom has a blog and I've been reading through it so I have the background I need and oh, it is just heartbreaking...she and her family are so strong and so brave, so real and the pictures...the picture of her laying with a bunch of pillows and blankets in front of a big fish tank with like 20 different pieces of medical equipment hooked up to her, assuming she's getting chemo...gosh, I've got to just separate my emotions and do my job and write the questions, but it's killing me...just feeling so much compassion for this girl and her family...having a hard time being professional and methodical about this

Anyway, I'm writing this blog post instead of the questions...hoping to get some of the emotion out of me and...you know...

I haven't cried about any of this yet...would probably feel better if I did.

Oh, and I completely stopped breastfeeding less than a week ago, so who knows what kinds of hormonal shifts are contributing to all this...

XOXO

Some Thoughts About What's Happened in Newtown, CT (Because I Can't Stop Thinking About It)

In no particular order:

• I can't stop thinking about the parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. who have lost children/siblings/etc. Why do people have to live through things like this?
• I'm trying to avoid the news. Difficult.
• Sometimes I used to think about how it was selfish to have children, because how is fair is it to them to bring them into a world full of such pain, where terrible things happen every day?
• I've been to Newtown...my aunt, uncle, cousins lived there, in a perfect house at the end of a perfect street in the perfect little town...so picturesque...
• I'm not quite sure how to phrase this next part without sounding callous to the families involved...and that is not at all my intention...but although what happened is absolutely horrible, what about all the children who died of cancer on Friday? Or in car accidents? Or of suicide? Why does the nation focus on the Newtown children and not the others...the others, every day, who die...their lives are just as precious, their deaths hurt those around them horribly, too. "But it's not 20 at once," my dad says, when I tell him this. True. And there is something different about this, I just can't really put into words what it is. And maybe in some small way I'm jealous, because the whole nation didn't fly the flag at half mast when my brother was killed. I'm not saying that our response as a nation to this, to what happened to these children, is wrong...just, what about all the others?
• Are some people just plain-out evil? Do traumas occur that lead to things like this, or can I raise my kids well and still end up shot to death and one of my precious babies out murdering children?
• I was supposed to fly to San Francisco on business today...the trip got cancelled at the last minute and I'm so glad...I was dreading leaving my children.
• I don't understand why human beings have such a penchant for horrible things. I can't just think of Newton and the other recent shootings, my mind goes to all the other horrors I can't forget...very specific awful things from the Holocaust to...gosh, I'm not even going to write it down because I don't want to put it into anyone else's head...
• God bless those who are suffering because of this and...not just this...anyone who's suffering and that seems to be all too common... Really feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders today and I know I'm not the only one...

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey (Your Uncle Luke's Birthday Edition)

Dear Luke and Zoey,

Today is your Uncle Luke's birthday. He would have been 35.

The last birthday I ever got to spend with him was eight years ago, the year before he died.

It was election day.

We surfed dawn patrol at Rincon...I can remember the faint light in the parking lot and the flowered bikini I was wearing, the weak, crumbly waves that just meant we got to spend more time sitting in the water talking. Someday I'll take you surfing at Rincon, because that's one of the places I feel like your uncle's spirit lives on.

After surfing, he went to work, I went to work.

We met that evening for dinner on State Street and drinks at the Press Room with the guys in his band and their girlfriends.

It was a perfect day.

When I think of you and your Uncle Luke, I always think of how he was with Dexter. You know, your boxer? It was his boxer first...your Uncle Luke got him as a tiny puppy when we were living together and was so sweet and loving and cuddly with that dog. It's weird to compare you guys to a puppy, I know, but you know what I mean...those same looks of devotion and love...I know they would have come over his face when he (your uncle) was holding each of you.

I like to think that before you guys came to me you were with your Uncle Luke in Heaven or wherever everybody hangs out before and after Earth...so you already know him. I like to think he's already laid you down on a hardwood floor and spun you around in circles until you were dizzy, he's already taken you on epic mountain bike rides and taught you to surf. He's already gotten you drum sets and guitars and a bass and taught you everything he knows about music. He's already given you tours of all the cool houses he's designed, just like he used to do for me. 

We all miss him so, so much.

I'm so sad you won't get to know him like you do your Uncle Ben.

I'll always do my best to make him come alive for you, so in some way, you'll know.

Love,

Your Mommy

A Lovely Little Thought for Your Tuesday...

 

XOXO

Image credit: rocketrictic on Flickr, via Creature Comforts.

Anxiety + Exhaustion + FINALLY Getting Some Sleep

Anxiety has been a problem of mine, certainly since my brother was killed, and maybe even before, it's hard to remember. And I had a TERRIBLE time with it the first six weeks or so the kids were home (discussed here). And now, in the past few days, it's back again and I'm not sure why.

I'm worried about the kids, have to check on them over and over and over to make sure they are OK (ie, when they're sleeping).

And the very little bit of news I get (San Francisco Chronicle online, generally glanced at once a day)...right now it's just filled with kids kidnapped and killed, teens committing suicide because of bullying (I think the suicide was done live online too), animals being brutally killed...I don't even read the articles, but the headlines stay with me and haunt me...

And then there are all the images/scenarios playing out in my head (mostly having to do with my brother) I can always return to if I need an extra bit of suffering.

Sigh.

My kids have been pulling themselves up on things. Which means they are falling. But that doesn't seem like enough to explain it.

My parents are traveling (with my mother-in-law here house-sitting for them), but not anywhere/doing anything particularly unsafe.

Nothing bad has happened to me personally.

So what is going on? Why all of a sudden are 90% of my thoughts about horrible things happening?

It's not good...

And also (and maybe related), I have been feeling SO worn down/on the verge of being sick. I feel like I have it easy because my husband does the heavy lifting as far as the night shift with the kids*, but stiil, I generally get to sleep between 10 and 11 (staying up 'til 10ish to dream feed), may or may not be up in the middle of the night (if both kids wake at the same time I take one), and then lately (for awhile, can't really remember how long) the kids have been up for the day between 4 and 5 AM and I'm up with them. I generally don't get a nap. This is what my fear is with wanting to be with them as much as possible but also needing to work to help support my family...that I get stretched too thin and just wind up exhausted all the time.

Anyway, I had a work call at 8 AM this morning, so my mother-in-law came early to help with the kids and after the call I went back to bed and slept 'til noon. Also the kids were up their usual between 4 and 5 AM this morning, but miraculously both went back to sleep until 7:30.

I can't tell you how much better I feel after all that sleep. The anxiety is also not as bad today...

Think I'm going to try to have a day a week to sleep in, at least while my mother-in-law is here and I'm sure my mom will help with that too once she's back.

The twins are so amazing, but sometimes twins is hard.

XOXO

*I know in theory our kids, who just turned 7 months, could (should?) be sleeping through the night. But they're not. And I haven't been able to get on board with sleep training yet, although my suspicion is that may be the road we go down at some point...

Pink Pony Skin Boots

Been thinking about my brother Luke--my brother who died--since reading this post...

A story for you:

The first California surf trip Luke and I took together, ten or twelve years ago, we spent a night in Santa Monica, had dinner on the 3rd Street Promenade and after dinner there was a shoe store, with heeled, calf-high pink pony skin boots on sale, which I promptly bought, even though Luke shook his head and laughed at me. I was living in San Francisco at the time, working in advertising where you are encouraged to dress creatively. Plus, I was going through this kind of flashy phase--lots of jewelry, unusual shoes and accessories. Plus somehow the boots worked with the big-city fashion of the times. In short, I rocked those boots.

I still had them when I moved to Santa Barbara to live with Luke, and when he died, I wanted to wear them to his memorial service, like a little joke between us...something he thought was ridiculous, because so much of what I used to wear back then he found ridiculous.

(Sample exchange one foggy morning, me pulling on a short knit cape I'd recently bought:

Luke: "Is that new?"

Me: "Yeah, isn't it great?"

Luke (after a pause): "Can you still take it back?")

Anyway, the evening of his memorial service, I had on a nice black dress, was sitting on the edge of my bed trying to put on the pink pony skin boots, and I just couldn't do it. Finally, a friend of mine came and sat with me, told me not to worry about the boots, helped me into some plain black heels.

I haven't worn the boots since.

But I've taken them with me, up to Seattle to be with my now-husband, out to Colorado. I've known for a while I won't wear them again. Still: hard to get rid of, because they remind me of that surf trip, of that dive-y Santa Monica hotel, of how Luke's girlfriend had made him into a mermaid sand sculpture on the beach that afternoon, how the next morning there was no surf so Luke and I went for pancakes while his girlfriend slept in. They remind me, too, of the happy, devil-may-care life I had my last couple years in San Francisco.

I did sell them, though, at our garage sale. Which is progress, I guess. I know, anyway, that I'm now embracing the life I have ahead of me, whereas for a long time all I could see was what I'd lost. I have a different life now. One that doesn't involve wearing pink pony skin boots. And that's OK. I was that girl once. It was a glorious time--a time I'll always remember. But now--although completely, utterly, totally different--is pretty darned glorious too.

Maybe that's why I can finally let the boots go...

XOXO