Two Things I'm Scared About
There are two things I'm scared about surrounding the birth of these babies (aside from the question of, "Will they be born healthy?" I just have to assume that is going to be the case or I will drive myself mad.)
- Post-partum depression. I have LOTS of risk factors for it, including previous trouble with depression, IVF, twins, gestational diabetes, etc. Don't know what to do other than keep it on my radar (and everyone else's) and get help if I need it. Hopefully if it happens it won't be too bad...and maybe it won't happen at all...
- Breastfeeding. Everything I hear and read is about how hard it is, how it doesn't go well, how to expect it to be painful and not work etc., etc., etc. But again, I don't know what to do about this other than read and learn all I can beforehand, be really committed to it, and to get help along the way if I need it
Weirdly, I'm not worried about labor & delivery at all at this point...maybe because I've been avoiding too graphic of descriptions...but we have our birthing class on Saturday so that could change.
Those of you who are pregnant/have had children...were you scared about these things? Did they happen? How did you handle it?
XOXO
Pregnant and Scared
12: 45 PM
God, this is so incredibly hard. Not being able to sleep wondering if everything is OK with the babies. Waking up every day wondering if things are OK with the babies. Knowing I might not know if things are going wrong with the babies. Checking each time I go to the bathroom for blood. Wondering if the discomfort in my abdomen is something I ate or signs of miscarriage.
Hard to work. Hard to concentrate. Hard to have any sort of normal life.
I can't get excited about being pregnant or having babies, except in tiny little bursts that I try to push aside, because this could all be taken away at any second, and I've never felt this way before, but I just feel like if something happens, this is it, I can't do any more of this, I am so exhausted and beat down, I've got nothing left. Instead, I think contingency plans. What am I going to do if I miscarry? How does that life look? I feel this need to be prepared.
My lab results from my blood draw this morning are ready, and I'm scared to go get them. Scared these may be my last moments of thinking everything is possibly going to be all right.
Yeah, not doing well today.
Going to get my results...will finish this post when I return...
... 1: 15 PM
My hormone levels are up substantially from a few days ago, which I'm assuming is good news.
Estradiol:
1234 Tuesday
1470 Today
Progesterone:
25.1 Tuesday
33.2 Today
So the panic is dissipating. But seriously, when am I not going to be so afraid? After next Tuesday's ultrasound? At the end of the first trimester? When I have healthy babies in my arms? Being pregnant is supposed to be fun and exciting and joyous, not a place of near-constant fear. Stupid infertility.
I need a hug.
And in a wildly optimistic gesture, I'm going to leave work early today and do some maternity clothes shopping. Going to debut the baby bump here next week, as well...it's getting ridiculous how big my belly's already getting.
Hope everyone has a great weekend, and thanks so much for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
My clinic says my hormone levels are "outstanding." They're having me go off all meds tomorrow, and then do a final check (labs) on Tuesday. Eep! Are things really working out this way?!? Could this whole thing be any more of a roller coaster?!?