The Last Thing You Expect to Hear When You Call Your OB's Office

Me: "Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Smith's*. I was wondering if I could reschedule my ultrasound appointment so that my husband can come with me...he really wants to be there."

Receptionist: "No problem rescheduling. But I should tell you--Dr. Smith died over the weekend."

I've been going to my doctor for years (she's also been my gynecologist). I saw her last week. She's young--not that much older than me. They won't tell me what happened, but I know it must have been something bad. I feel so terrible for her family and friends and co-workers. I am totally freaked out by this. Life is so very fragile and could end at any time for anyone. I already know this--I don't need to be reminded.

Some people see death as a normal part of life, and I guess when people who are older and have lived a full life die--like my grandparents, for instance--I'm sad, but it doesn't make the world feel like a horrible and scary place. But when someone young dies, I don't know...it just feels so wrong. 

This is part of my personality, too...I've talked about this here before...that when something happens to other people, I don't really see it as having nothing to do with me; instead I put myself in the shoes of the person who died. Did it hurt? Were they scared? Did they know? Was someone with them? (I have this awful fear of dying alone.) And I put myself in the shoes of the people who loved them--I know what that's like from first-hand experience. And my mind goes back to that April day, in the hospital in some cramped ER doctor's office with him telling me that my brother, who I just said "bye, love you," to that morning and had tons of plans with that evening is dead and I have to call my parents and tell them...

Ugh. April is going to be hard, I can already feel all the horrors of that situation bubbling to the surface. On the other hand, I can't let it be hard, because I can't let myself get too upset--I know that can't be good for the baby.

Tough day today.

*Names have been changed.