Sad About Weaning...And What Is Going on With My Hormones?

So, I am in the process weaning our babies, because we want to try for a third child (aka "Freezypants") next spring, and i need to have stopped breastfeeding 3 months before.

I'm not ready.

The kids are ready...maybe have been for some time, I've had to pump quite a bit the past months when one or both of them refuse to nurse. But when one snuggles up and nurses happily...I love that time with my kids.

The target date for being done nursing is December 15th. The kids will be 9 months old. And I'm glad I've been able to breastfeed for that long, even with all the struggles, especially with the fact that I've never made enough milk (they've always gotten about half breast milk, half formula.)

I know it's going to be fine, weaning...there will be other ways to have that closeness, but I am feeling soooooooooo sad about it. And also, kind of edgy and just feeling weird in general, honestly like I'm on fertility drugs and am not myself. Do your hormones do weird things when you stop nursing? I went to check on Dr. Google, but people are so judge-y about breastfeeding, when I click to find information I get a lecture about how important it is to breastfeed your kids for as long as possible, and I already feel bad, I just can't read that kind of thing right now.

This is the first time as a mother I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing. (Although I'm sure it won't be the last.)

And here's the real issue...this is a big step that means they are growing up and of course I want them to grow up and be their own people and have their own lives but how do you let go? This (motherhood, having these babies) is all going so quickly already I don't want to let the breastfeeding stage go. But I need to, and this also isn't the last milestone they'll reach where I need to let go, and I want to be able to do so with grace even though there is pain and loss involved.

Sigh.

It's hard.

XOXO