IVF Interviews (cont.): Elise

So for our last interview in this series, we have Elise. A friend of mine knows her and put us in touch when I was first trying to choose a clinic...she was a great help with information/recommendations then, and an inspiring success story, as well, as she now has her amazing son. And I cried when I read her answers to my questions...I can so relate to so much of what she is saying.

Thanks so much, Elise, for participating! :)

1.    Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)

Where do I start? It took us three and a half years of heartbreak until I finally was able to become a momma. When I was about 16 years of age, my OB at the time diagnosed me with endometriosis. He said I would have very painful periods and that I might have trouble getting pregnant one day. At this time in my life, I could deal with the pain and getting pregnant? That news didn’t affect me because I was young and pregnancy was the furthest thing I wanted, Well, fast forward to years later when my husband and I decided to “pull the goalie” and my doctor’s words came back to haunt me with each period and negative pregnancy test. One time I was late by a few days and getting excited, but low and behold, my period came back with a vengeance. It hurt so badly that I figured I was having a miscarriage. This led me to a phone call to my OB, Dr. Kelly Lennon. Lennon was sweet and asked how long I had been trying. I responded over a year. He had me come into his office. I had not been pregnant, it was just my endometriosis giving me a hard time. That call started our infertility saga. A couple of month’s later, I had surgery to remove the scar tissue in and around my uterus due to endometriosis. And literally two months after my surgery, we had success! We were pregnant!!! We were beyond thrilled and so happy. But that happiness only lasted 10 weeks.

At ten weeks, I went in to the Doctor to have a check up. They tried to find a heartbeat with the sonogram, but no luck. So, I received an ultrasound. My baby had died. That was the worst moment of my life so far. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think of those numbing moments. The image of my baby without a heartbeat still haunts me and breaks my heart. The next day, I had a D and C. I was numb throughout the whole process. I cried, but the real pain didn’t start until I came home childless.

My husband and I were persistent in trying after our miscarriage, but I kept getting my period. Thinking back on those times, I can safely say they were my darkest days. I became so envious of my friends with kids. I knew that I shouldn’t be so jealous and that I should  just been happy for everyone with swollen bellies, but I wasn’t. I hated that life was so unfair.

We tried for one year after our miscarriage before we got help. This was too long, but we thought since we got pregnant naturally once, it might happen again. It didn’t. So, after one year we went to CCRM. We had every test in sight, and as you know, they are not pleasant. I had the tube test, I had a uterine biopsy, and so many blood tests. Sure enough, my endometriosis was causing the problem. They started me off with 5 rounds of IUI. We had no luck. So, we were at a stopping point and the only thing left to do was IVF. It wasn’t a hard decision for me, but my husband struggled a little. He hated the cost, of course. But, he was still clinging to some glimmer of hope that we would get pregnant like everyone else. I am pretty sure he imagined drinking too many margaritas and whamo, pregnant. Anyway, we went through IVF. I hated the shots and I hated feeling like, what the heck am I injected my poor body with?! But, in the end they were able to retrieve plenty of healthy eggs and we had 2 embryos implanted. The wait was hard, but the news was great! We were pregnant. One of my embryos had implanted and now we are blessed with an amazing son. When I watch him play or feel him in my arms, I am certain that he was worth the wait!

2.    How did you pick your clinic?

We picked our clinic by word-of-mouth through friends who had good experiences. We ended up at CCRM and were very happy there. However, my advice to anyone going through this would be that no matter what, you need to stay on top of your treatments with your nurse. I would ask as many questions as possible and I wouldn’t do anything that feels not right or uncomfortable. You are in charge of your body.

3.    How did you stay sane through the process?

That is the million-dollar question, because I am not sure if I did stay sane. I tried to appear normal. I went to work each day, came home, worked out, made dinner, etc. But deep down inside I was always in pain. I longed for a baby. It seemed that everyone around me was getting pregnant and all the swollen bellies I had to look at crushed me. It made me feel anxious, envious, jealous and so terribly sad. I tried to make myself feel happy by planning fun date nights or a spa day, but really my infertility was an enormous piano that I carried around with me. If you were to ask outsiders about this, they probably wouldn’t have noticed my pain because I learned to hide it so well, but really it was there and weighed a lot.

Now, during my IVF cycle, something inside me changed. I became sane because I knew I was no longer guessing. It was either going to work or not.  I stayed sane by staying positive. I had a mantra that went, “you are doing the best you can.” And that was it. I was using the top technology with the top doctors. I treated my body like a temple, I didn’t drink, eat chocolate, have coffee. I literally was doing the best I could and it was in God’s hands.

4.    What did you do as far as being good to yourself?

I tried to pamper myself especially when I got my period. I would get my nails done with a friend, drink good wine, read a good book, watch movies, etc. One period, I was feeling so bummed that my husband and I decided to do something different. We went indoor-skydiving. It was so fun and a great pick-me-up.

5.    Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?

Yes. It was hard on our marriage, but not hard in a negative “we are going to break up way.” It was hard in a “we are on the same team but damn this is a rough road” kind of way. I know I am lucky because I have an incredible husband. He was my rock during all of the heartbreak. He picked me up time and time again, both literally and figuratively. He was gentle with my emotions and knew the pain I was in. We stayed strong by becoming teammates throughout the process. We are still stronger because of our infertility road. I can say that because of our infertility journey, we are better parents because we learned how to really communicate with one another.

6.    Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?

The two week wait is not fun! It can drive a sane person insane. My advice is to keep as busy as possible. I put my head into my work, which was a nice distraction. At night, I read books, watched movies, called friends, and I tried my hardest not to think about what was to come. I never took a home pregnancy test during the IVF process because I was on so many hormones that I didn’t want to get a false positive and be crushed. If you are going through the two week wait, just try to do anything to get your mind off the matter at hand.

7.    Having been through it, what would you do differently?

I wouldn’t have done much differently, except I wouldn’t have waited so long to get help. We let months pass by before we got help just thinking that we would get pregnant. I would have been more proactive. 

8.    What’s it like when it’s all over?

When I gave birth to my son, and the nurses put him on my chest, all the pain, envy, anger, frustration melted away. Literally holding him for one second, all of the negative and all of the tears disappeared. All I felt was complete. It is an incredible sensation. I also feel blessed each day to have a baby. I don’t take him for granted and I always appreciate every step of parenthood, even the trying moments.

9.    How has this process changed you?

I learned a lot about myself, my marriage, and my relationships with friends and family through the infertility process. I learned who I could trust with my inner-most feelings and I learned that I am one strong woman.

10. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?

My advice is to keep reminding yourself that if you really want to be a mom, you will be. I have friends who have had success with IVF, but I have also had friends who adopted and all of them feel so in love with their children and so happy to be moms. You will be a mom! My other advice is to take good care of yourself and don’t be hard on yourself. This is a trying enough experience and it is very important you value yourself and your body even though you may feel like it is failing you. I would also say to get a good acupuncture therapist or any therapist because they really seemed to help me.

12. Anything else?

Hang in there! Breathe! You will be a mom!