And Today, We Interview Sprogblogger!

Hello my bloggy friends!

So I ve got something special for Buck Up, Buttercup while I suffer through the two week wait, which will end on February 16, hopefully, hopefully with a positive pregnancy test.

I was thinking about a month ago how nice it would be to have the collective wisdom of some of those who have been through IVF in one place--for myself, and also for the community at large. These eight interviews, starting today, are that thought come to fruition.

Some of these women I know from real life, some from the web/blogosphere. They all have amazing and inspiring things to say. I hope you enjoy reading their answers to my questions as much as I did!

Oh and PS, it was not my intention to end up with so many women with twins here it just kind of happened that way! Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something :)

Today we have Sprogblogger, whose fabulous blog you can check out right HERE. Someone on Fertile Thoughts (more on Fertile Thoughts tomorrow) told me about Sprogblogger s blog early last fall when I was suffering through my latest failed IVF cycle/chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage. I read pages and pages of her old posts she d just had her beautiful baby, and somehow seeing that positive outcome combined with knowing the despair that she had gone through in the past before getting to the happy day when her son was born whatever it was, reading her blog really helped me during a dark time. And I ve continued to read ever since, loving the simple joy she finds in motherhood.

Thanks, Sprogblogger, for participating in my little project! :)

1. Hi Sprogblogger! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)

For me, it wasn't so much getting pregnant that was difficult as it was STAYING pregnant. Well, OK, getting pregnant was challenging, too. We did our first IVF in spring of 2008. First loss in summer of 2008. Second IVF in fall of 2008, which was an ectopic pregnancy--hence another loss. Third IVF in winter of 2009, which resulted in no pregnancy, but gave us embryos to freeze. While cycling up for a FET I experienced a spontaneous pregnancy, resulting in yet another loss. We did the FET in summer of 2009 which ended in yet another miscarriage. Finally, we started the process to find an egg donor in fall of 2009, and that was the key. My son was born September 18, 2010.

2. How did you pick your clinic?

Much less carefully than I should have, though I couldn't be any happier with them. NYC has a ton of clinics. Unfortunately, it also has a ton of women like me who waited too damned long to have kids. So all the places I called had waiting times of 4 or 5 months just for a consultation. The clinic I ended up using--and being delighted with--had a cancellation the week I called. I jumped. In retrospect, I should have researched, done my homework, etc., but it certainly worked out well for me in the end. We considered jumping to an out of town clinic for the DE IVF cycle, due to cost considerations, but decided to stay with the folks who had been so good to me throughout this miserable time. Sometimes, fools really do get lucky.

3. How did you stay sane through the process?

Hah. Not entirely sure that I did. Seriously, I look back on that time in my life, reading through my blog archives, and I hardly remember that person as being me. Yeah, I remember the misery, but my mind manages to sort of block how completely the anguish OWNED me. About halfway through, I began keeping a gratitude journal when I realized that my blog postings were about nothing but horror and grief and terror. Figuring that such a mindset can't be good for a potential baby, I challenged myself to come up with five good things every day that made me smile or that I was grateful for or appreciated. Nothing big--and some days, an appreciation of toast was about all I could manage! But it helped. It really helped. And I think it's a practice I'll continue for the rest of my life. I write my 'real' blog for other people--try to make the postings amusing or educational or at least entertaining, but my 'days of grace' postings are all for me. Interestingly enough, I have more people telling me that's what they love reading the most, which is nice to hear, though very surprising to me.

4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?

I wasn't particularly good to myself. I was working an incredibly shitty, stressful job, in a city I dislike. I tried to go see a therapist after my 4th miscarriage and it was an utter failure. Oh--I did insist to my dog-hatin' husband that I needed a dog. Not just wanted, but NEEDED. He went along with it, because he's a genuinely wonderful guy, and now is more of a dog-crazed person than I am. But Nellie's entire reason for being was to rescue my brain from the pits of self-pity & despair. She did (and continues to do) wonders for my mental health.

5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?

In some ways it was hard on the marriage, just because who wants to be around this sort of pain day in & day out? In other ways, though, it wasn't so bad. My husband already had three grown children from a previous marriage, so this baby-making quest, this was MINE. In a way I resented the fact that sometimes I felt all alone in it, but in another way, it made it easier for me since I never had to try to be strong or buck up to spare his feelings.

6. Ugh the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?

I used HPTs religiously. As in every-morning-without-fail religiously. I watched the trigger shot leave my system and (usually) watched the lines forming day by day. Not that they always worked that great for me, but still--the thought of being surprised by what the nurse on the phone had to say? No thank you! I blogged a lot. I tried (and usually failed) to distract myself. Again, though, GETTING pregnant was not, for me, the big challenge. After every procedure I assumed that it would work.

7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?

I'd move to DE much earlier in the process. We had reasons--financial, mostly--for going through 3 IVFs. Fertility coverage is mandated in NY, so we had very few out of pocket expenses for the first 4 procedures. It made sense to use up our insurance coverage before we started writing gigantic, tens-of-thousands-of-dollars checks. I suppose I might have been more resistant to DE if I'd had any shadow of a doubt about whether or not my eggs were done, but I honestly think I might've been ready after that first miscarriage. I was getting pretty shell-shocked by the end, emotionally, and just needed a baby, damn it.

8. What's it like when it's all over?

Both a serious relief, and rather like waking up in another person's life. It was all so horrible for such a long time that that sort of became my default setting. Now I have a baby! I'm happy! I don't wake up in tears! I don't despair over a broken glass or a burned piece of toast! In a way, I'm still waiting to wake up from my current state of happiness, because surely this can't be my life? It's too GOOD a life, and I got very used to thinking that good things couldn't happen to me.

9. How has this process changed you?

I'd like to think that I'm a little more compassionate, a little gentler with the people I encounter every day. When I realized how many of my work acquaintances had no idea what was happening in my life, despite what I thought were pretty obvious 'tells' that major life crises were going on, I realized that many, if not most, people have awfully big things going on in their lives at any given time; and if it seems like they're being nasty, it could just be that you hit them in a sore spot, or on a really bad day.

Um, it's also made me about 15 pounds too heavy, and my boobs will never be the same. I lost my fear of needles. I now tell every young woman I know "have babies now!" "don't wait!"

10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?

The main positive would be the people I've met through blogging. I've met several bloggers whom I now consider to be friends in real life, and there are others I will likely never meet in person, but whose lives I care about passionately. Blogging itself has been a wonderful experience. It's opened me up to another way of expressing myself that I have found to be more valuable than any therapy I can imagine, and more fun than most writing projects, because of the potential for interaction with your audience.

11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?

Ah, shoot. Advice is so rarely actually wanted! Um, I think the main thing I'd say is 'don't give up'. If this is truly what your heart needs to live, if having a child in your life is worth this much to you, then it will happen. Maybe not the way you envisioned, but that's OK. It would have been nice to have a toddler running around my house by now if our first instance of unprotected sex had resulted in a baby, but then I wouldn't have MY baby, Henry wouldn't exist, and that thought just doesn't bear thinking.

So, yeah, infertility sucks, but this is a wonderful time to be infertile! Domestic adoption, foster adoption, international adoption, IUIs, IVF, FET, donor embryos, donor eggs, donor sperm, gestational surrogates--these are all totally valid ways to build a family, and you know what? You're going to love that child the instant you feel him move within you, or when you see that first ultrasound photo from the surrogate, or when they lay your daughter in your arms after the birth mother signs the release papers. That child is YOUR child. Don't get too caught up in the way you think things HAVE to be. Keep your eyes on the prize--if you want a child, you will find a way to have one.

12. Anything else?