All Over the Place, Still...

Hi Everyone...

First off, thank you so much to everyone for your continued support...really truly means a lot.

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since we lost our baby girl. Almost 3 weeks since we found out something was terribly wrong. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.

When people ask how I'm doing I generally say, you know, good days and bad days, just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Which is true, but the more complicated truth is that I am all over the place. I can go out with the twins and have a perfectly nice morning. I can obsess over what happened all day. I can work just fine. I can't work at all. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fine and then I'm having flashbacks to the worst possible moments of what happened. (This happened when my brother was killed too and I know it's something I need to take seriously and get help with.) I think my husband is the best. I think my husband is the meanest person on the planet. (Luckily, this doesn't happen very often. And he's not trying to be mean, he just needs different things than I do.) I feel sorry for myself because no one I know in my new town has said a word to me about losing the pregnancy. I feel lucky that I have tons of support and love coming to me from friends and family all over the nation. I understand that what happened is random and has nothing to do with me or anything I did. I feel like the worst mother in the world for not being able to protect my baby. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a good idea. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a terrible idea. I'm trying to stay busy, busy, busy. My husband says he knows I'm not doing well because I am trying to overplan/overschedule. Etc, etc, etc...

All the above can happen--sometimes does happen--in one day, by the way.

I'm doing everything I can think of, from counseling to grief groups, starting to exercise, planning fun things for me and the kids, going on dates with my husband, trying to socialize, making sure I get some sleep and am eating, etc, etc, etc. 

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is trying to give myself time and space to grieve this loss, because there is a very strong sentiment all around for me to just get over it, get back to my old self, move forward. I do believe I need to be there for my kids and my husband...the thing I'm working on right now is how to compartmentalize things--to make sure I have what I need (because denying myself that has had some pretty dire consequences), but to still be a good wife and mother because I know that's so important.  

Anyway, today has been a pretty decent day. Yesterday, not so much. 

This is hard, y'all. 

I hate that I have to live through this. Then again, why not me? I wish there wasn't so much pain in this life...