Up and Down...
Hi Everyone.
Big sigh...
My husband and I are trying to kind of "get back to normal" after the holiday weekend, which I think is the right decision. Overall, I feel generally OK, and then something happens and I start crying and am so, so, so, so sad, and then go back to OK. Spending mornings with the kids, which is awesome, working in the afternoons. Trying not to work too much and just give myself a lot of space right now. I've got a lot of projects but I'm not stressed about the deadlines or anything. Health and family first, I keep thinking. Work will get done as I'm able to get it done.
It's weird going back into the "real world." Like yesterday, I took the kids to story hour, where I've become friendly with the other moms and dads, and everyone there knew I was pregnant. All people said yesterday is, "It's good to see you guys again, it's been a while." And all I said was, "Yeah, we've been on vacation." It's weird that no one's talking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. But I totally understand...how do you bring it up? You can't really say to someone you don't know that well, "Oh, I see you've lost your baby."
And then work...some of the people I work with are close friends and know what's going on. But there's a whole group of people I've worked with for years, and I know they were told some version of what happened (although what I'm gathering is that they were told this was a run-of-the-mill miscarriage, and not really the extent of what was going on)...anyway, some of those people have said I'm so sorry, but most have said nothing. It's weird. Have people just not ever had bad things happen to them? I'm not mad, but it's just so strange...
Today, I went to the funeral home and picked up Hunter's ashes. I cried about it after, but actually going there was strangely devoid of emotion. I have to tell you though, it's killing me that the only place her name will ever actually officially be is on the forms at the funeral home. Absolutely breaks my heart.
Yesterday, both the doctor and the nurse who were with us last week through the hell we went through called to check on me. They both said everyone can't stop thinking about and talking about my family...that we and our circumstances touched them all deeply. Which was cool to hear...I figured they deal with tragedies like this all the time, and we're just one more...
I still can't believe all this is happening.
It's a week today since we lost little Hunter.
It's been a tough, tough week. Punctuated by joyful moments with the twins, and my husband and I really trying the best we can to take care of each other. And also, really, overall a lot of support from family and friends, and all you guys too...I really appreciate the effort so many people have made to reach out to us.
I hate that this is my "new normal."
XOXO
