I feel like the shock is wearing off...also trying to think about the future...and I am just so, so, so sad...

Hey Everyone. Happy Tuesday...

Today I am just feeling sad.

Thinking about my brother who said shortly after my husband and I lost our daughter, "We had to make it work as a family of four, and we have" (meaning after our youngest brother died). "You'll make it work as a family of four, too, if you need to."

And about a dear friend of mine who I talked to yesterday about how afraid I was to get pregnant again and she said, "You can't not do something you really want to do out of fear."

And about a family I read about once who lost a daughter as a child, and tried not to be sad about the fact she was gone, but instead look at it as what a gift to have the time with her that they did.

My husband and I talked with our doctor at the IVF clinic Friday, we have 4 frozen embryos and he said he doesn't see any reason not to try again, although he'd want to do genetic testing on the embryos before transfer to up the chances of things turning out OK. (And that's something we would absolutely do, no question.)

If we tried again, it would be my 7th IVF procedure...I just don't know if I can do it again. I am so exhausted by all that we have been through...

But I want a baby in my arms so badly...

But we (my husband and I) were also a little freaked out about being able to handle three kids when I was pregnant, and I think we need to be honest about that fact and examine it a little closer...

I know we don't need to make a decision today, but my head is all over the place on this, and I do feel like we need to decide sometime in the next couple months...

There is the loss of Hunter and that will never change. (And something else I've been thinking about is the fact I wanted another child partly so if we lost a child...always a fear of mine...it wouldn't be so bad. I thought the more children you have the less the loss of one would hurt. It's ironic that it's Hunter that we lost, and boy, was the math on that wrong, by the way. I don't think it matters at all how many kids you have, the loss of one is terrible no matter what.)

Anyway, layered on top of our loss for me is this sadness and anger and frustration that we aren't necessarily going to have a say in when our family is complete...that the pregnancy with Hunter may be my last.

And it's not even like we get to decide yes we want another baby or no we don't...even if we decide we want to try so many things have to go exactly right for that to actually happen.

If I get pregnant again, I'm not going to complain about anything, not one word. (Although I do want to be honest about the fact that I get very sick when I'm pregnant, and make sure there are allowances in place for that.)

But I will be scared the whole time.

Today, I just feel like a lost little girl, on the verge of tears, nothing makes sense and I am just so, so sad and scared and confused.

Oh and on a completely random note, I can't stop checking that my kids are in their car seats when I'm driving around with them. Where are they going to go, right? But I have to reach back and touch and see that they are still there over and over and over. Crazy...

Really feeling it today. I don't know, I think maybe the shock is wearing off, but I am just so, so, so, so sad right now...and have no idea what to do moving forward...

XOXO