Anxiety + Exhaustion + FINALLY Getting Some Sleep
Anxiety has been a problem of mine, certainly since my brother was killed, and maybe even before, it's hard to remember. And I had a TERRIBLE time with it the first six weeks or so the kids were home (discussed here). And now, in the past few days, it's back again and I'm not sure why.
I'm worried about the kids, have to check on them over and over and over to make sure they are OK (ie, when they're sleeping).
And the very little bit of news I get (San Francisco Chronicle online, generally glanced at once a day)...right now it's just filled with kids kidnapped and killed, teens committing suicide because of bullying (I think the suicide was done live online too), animals being brutally killed...I don't even read the articles, but the headlines stay with me and haunt me...
And then there are all the images/scenarios playing out in my head (mostly having to do with my brother) I can always return to if I need an extra bit of suffering.
Sigh.
My kids have been pulling themselves up on things. Which means they are falling. But that doesn't seem like enough to explain it.
My parents are traveling (with my mother-in-law here house-sitting for them), but not anywhere/doing anything particularly unsafe.
Nothing bad has happened to me personally.
So what is going on? Why all of a sudden are 90% of my thoughts about horrible things happening?
It's not good...
And also (and maybe related), I have been feeling SO worn down/on the verge of being sick. I feel like I have it easy because my husband does the heavy lifting as far as the night shift with the kids*, but stiil, I generally get to sleep between 10 and 11 (staying up 'til 10ish to dream feed), may or may not be up in the middle of the night (if both kids wake at the same time I take one), and then lately (for awhile, can't really remember how long) the kids have been up for the day between 4 and 5 AM and I'm up with them. I generally don't get a nap. This is what my fear is with wanting to be with them as much as possible but also needing to work to help support my family...that I get stretched too thin and just wind up exhausted all the time.
Anyway, I had a work call at 8 AM this morning, so my mother-in-law came early to help with the kids and after the call I went back to bed and slept 'til noon. Also the kids were up their usual between 4 and 5 AM this morning, but miraculously both went back to sleep until 7:30.
I can't tell you how much better I feel after all that sleep. The anxiety is also not as bad today...
Think I'm going to try to have a day a week to sleep in, at least while my mother-in-law is here and I'm sure my mom will help with that too once she's back.
The twins are so amazing, but sometimes twins is hard.
XOXO
*I know in theory our kids, who just turned 7 months, could (should?) be sleeping through the night. But they're not. And I haven't been able to get on board with sleep training yet, although my suspicion is that may be the road we go down at some point...
Pregnancy: Month 2
If you'd like, you can read about Month 1 HERE.
In a way, this month has gone by so fast, and in another, these four weeks have been VERY long. A little summary of what’s been going on:
- Exhaustion, although it seems to be dissipating somewhat. I’m not falling asleep every afternoon anymore, at any rate
- Nausea has kind of taken over my life (although no puking, thank goodness). Pretty much feel sick all day every day. Snacks generally don’t help. Seabands don’t help. Laying down doesn’t really help. I’m thinking popsicles may help…just put a batch of home-made orange-juice ones in the freezer for consumption tomorrow…the store-bought ones have sugar I don’t want but they seem to be the only thing that’s making me feel better these days…
- It’s ridiculous the things I can smell. I made curry two weeks ago and can still smell it when I come into the house
- No big food cravings, but lots of aversions. Chicken. Vegetables (especially raw). Curry (LOL). Etc.
- I’m not fitting into my clothes very well, but not ready for maternity clothes yet, either. It’s an awkward stage…
- Moody and teary. More than normal
- My husband has been the absolute best. Cooking me meals, dealing well with my sickness, trying to make sure we’re all taken care of (e.g., he’s been looking for a car for me that’s more family-friendly than my little 2-door Jeep Wrangler). You always hope your husband will be great when you’re pregnant, but there’s no way of knowing for sure until it happens. Mine has been phenomenal
- Struggling a little with pregnancy…just surprised by how uncomfortable it is and how the changes happening to my body are a little bit hard. I figured for me it would be pure bliss, after trying so hard to get pregnant, but that has not been the case. It’s been harder than I expected (and I never really considered the implications of morning sickness, truth be told). But I will say this: after dealing with infertility for many years--THAT is HARD, in a soul-crushing, what-is-wrong-with-me, will-this-ever-get-straightened-out, I’m-afraid-I’m-not-going-to-be-happy-if-we-can’t-find-a-way-to-make-this-work kind of way. Infertility is unbelievably, incredibly hard. Pregnancy is hard in a totally different, much less intense and much easier way…uncomfortable, but I feel like I’m dealing with things millions of other women deal with. I feel like I’m going through something normal, vs how I felt with infertility which was so totally alone (even though I know that’s not the case), like I was the only one in the world who couldn’t figure this pregnancy thing out
Bottom line: Month 2 has been uncomfortable. But something I’m so glad to bear for the purpose of having a baby. Still feeling incredibly grateful to be in this position. Things have also felt a little unreal, too…except for yesterday’s ultrasound, I’ve been feeling a little detached and not really convinced this is actually happening. I think I’ve still got my guard up, until the first trimester is over…