So Scared I'm Not Pregnant. And Feeling So Lost...
Woke up feeling really down and defeated this morning, and like I'm making up all these pregnancy symptoms I've been obsessing over all week...like it's all in my head. The worst part is I've been telling my husband about potential symptoms and he's excited...thinks that I'm probably pregnant and what if I'm not? What if I got his hopes up for no reason? Yeah, I'm tired (fell asleep on the couch before dinner last night), and thinking my sense of smell might be more sensitive, and my stomach's upset this morning (probably totally unrelated), but maybe I just want this so bad, I'm seeing symptoms where there aren't any.
I'm also having a total existential crisis (ongoing, but it's reared its ugly head this morning...of course this can't just be about whether I'm pregnant or not...that would be too easy.) I just feel so lost. I have really since my brother's death. What do you do when you've lost your best friend in the world and a whole life that you loved, one where we were young and we lived together and surfed every day and took care of each other and nothing truly bad had ever happened to us?
What does it all mean...you know...life?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Why can't I have something good and happy and life-affirming (eg, a baby) happen...why does everything have to be about death and loss and failure?*
The two week wait is awful...just want it to be over...
*My mom would have me add here that there is a lot of good in my life, and it's true. My husband, my family, my friends, money, health (except for this infertility thing), etc. But my brother's death, leaving California, not feeling like I'm doing anything worthwhile in my professional life, and especially right now our repeated failures to have a baby...I'm mean it's just been years of month after month after month of disappointment, plus a heartbreaking miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies that were honestly almost as bad...all this is really taking its toll...
Sorry...trying to be strong and brave...just can't rise to the occasion this morning...