A Day Full of Emotion
Bianca, the Jeep that I've had for 9 years. Decals, top to bottom: San Francisco Russian Hill parking permit, Channel Islands Surfboards sticker, my Santa Cruz parking permit for when I was down there surfing all the time. Hope you find a happy new home, Bianca!
Wow. A little too much for a girl to handle in one day. (Especially a morning sick one on the verge of throwing up all day.)
First, my OB. I had my first "real" OB appointment scheduled for today (vs my checks for the IVF clinic). This should be a happy, exciting appointment, but my OB died a few days ago, and are there ever a lot of tears in that office. My OB's nurse, who I absolutely adore, walked into the waiting room at the same time I did and we hugged and both started crying...this is before even checking in. This nurse is probably the work person most affected by what's happened--certainly the one whose day-to-day life is most disrupted. I feel terrible for her. And I'm sad because she's not going to be able to be my nurse anymore, as I'll be transitioned to another doctor in the practice. I love her and really wanted her to be with me through all the baby stuff, after helping so much with all the infertility stuff over the years. Emotional morning.
Then, OMG, we bought a new car! Big enough for a baby or two! Which is awesome! Yay!
BUT, I had to trade in my little Jeep Wrangler...I loved that car so much, I bought that car back when I was surfing every day and it's been up and down the California coast a zillion times, plus surf trips to Baja, and back and forth to Colorado. And my dad taught me how to 4-wheel in that Jeep, and not wimpy girl stuff either. Plus trips to Moab, and up and down the mountain to snowboard...I've got so many, many great memories in that car.
I almost started crying at the dealership. Why do people (or anyway, me) get so attached to cars?
"You don't feel this way about your computer, do you?" my husband asked.
"No, not at all," I said.
"Think of it this way," my husband said. "Your Jeep's expanding with your waistline" (we got a new, bigger Jeep.)
Which made me laugh.
We're going to make lots of happy memories in this new Jeep, too. :)
The Last Thing You Expect to Hear When You Call Your OB's Office
Me: "Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Smith's*. I was wondering if I could reschedule my ultrasound appointment so that my husband can come with me...he really wants to be there."
Receptionist: "No problem rescheduling. But I should tell you--Dr. Smith died over the weekend."
I've been going to my doctor for years (she's also been my gynecologist). I saw her last week. She's young--not that much older than me. They won't tell me what happened, but I know it must have been something bad. I feel so terrible for her family and friends and co-workers. I am totally freaked out by this. Life is so very fragile and could end at any time for anyone. I already know this--I don't need to be reminded.
Some people see death as a normal part of life, and I guess when people who are older and have lived a full life die--like my grandparents, for instance--I'm sad, but it doesn't make the world feel like a horrible and scary place. But when someone young dies, I don't know...it just feels so wrong.
This is part of my personality, too...I've talked about this here before...that when something happens to other people, I don't really see it as having nothing to do with me; instead I put myself in the shoes of the person who died. Did it hurt? Were they scared? Did they know? Was someone with them? (I have this awful fear of dying alone.) And I put myself in the shoes of the people who loved them--I know what that's like from first-hand experience. And my mind goes back to that April day, in the hospital in some cramped ER doctor's office with him telling me that my brother, who I just said "bye, love you," to that morning and had tons of plans with that evening is dead and I have to call my parents and tell them...
Ugh. April is going to be hard, I can already feel all the horrors of that situation bubbling to the surface. On the other hand, I can't let it be hard, because I can't let myself get too upset--I know that can't be good for the baby.
Tough day today.
*Names have been changed.