"The Aquarium:" Some Thoughts on Grief and Loss, Coping and What it All Means

A fish in the aquarium in Stanley Park, Vancouver, BC.

Do any of you all read the New Yorker? There was an article in there a month or so ago (June 13 & 20, 2011) that I've been turning over in my head ever since I read it. It's called "The Aquarium," written by Aleksandar Hemon. In it, he talks about the illness and death of his baby daughter, but I think a lot of what he talks about is more universal than just that particular (horrific) situation. 

For example, the isolation he feels during his daughter's illness (and I've felt, through my brother's death primarily, but also through our recent miscarriage and years and years of trying to have a child) is so beautifully described: 

"...I had a strong physical sensation of being in an aquarium: I could see out, the people outside could see me (if they chose to pay attention), but we were living and breathing in entirely different environments."

Another thing that resonated with me is how often it's so hard for people to communicate with those dealing with intense pain of some sort (and vice versa)...this is something I've definitely experienced:

"One of the most common platitudes we heard was that 'words failed.' ... If there were a communication problem, it was that there were too many words, and they were far to heavy and too specific on others. ... We instinctively protected our friends from the knowledge we possessed; we let them think that words had failed, because we knew they didn't want to learn the vocabulary we used daily. We were sure they didn't want to know what we knew; we didn't want to know it, either."

One of the things I find hardest about the tough things that have happened to me is people telling me to find the meaning/the good in what's happened. I don't believe there is meaning or good, and neither does Mr. Hemon:

"One of the most despicable religious fallacies is that suffering is ennobling--that it is a step on the path to some kind of enlightenment or salvation. Isabel's [his daughter's] suffering and death did noting for her, or us, or the world. We learned no lessons worth learning; we acquired no experience that could benefit anyone."

It's a heartbreaking article, but one that is so worth reading in its entirity.

Anyway, I hope something in these excerpts helps someone better understand/process what they are thinking/going through, the way they helped me.

XO