Make the Ordinary Come Alive
"Don't Worry About Cool"
This is going to go over my desk as a sort of New Year's Resolution:
Sol Lewitt's advice to a young Eva Hesse:
"Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder wondering, doubthing, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping...Stop it and just DO!...
Don't worry about cool, make your own uncoll. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you--draw and paint your fear and anxiety...
YOu must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO!...
Try to do some BAD work--the worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell--you are not responsible for the world--you are only responsible for your work--so DO IT. And don't think that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be...
I know that you (or anyone) can only work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you work or before you work you have to empty your mind and concentrate on what you are doing. After you do something it is done and that's that. After a while you can see some are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I'm sure you know all that. You also must know that you don't have to justify your work--not even to yourself.
Via Desk of Tobias van Schneider.
Merry Xmas everyone!
"All the pleasures of Autumn..."
"...all the pleasures of autumn--hiking under deep blue skies...and the chance for a few last dips in the pool..."
--Vogue, September 2013
Fall is my favorite time of year in the West. Things are going OK around here...trying to focus on the good, as always.
XOXO
Something I've been turning over in my mind...
Something I've been turning over in my mind as I start to think about focusing on other things again, like maybe trying to finish the San Francisco book I'm half done with and I'm scared to finish because it's an experimental form and what if in the end it doesn't come together?
But I know half finished it will haunt me forever...
XOXO
Image found here.
Kintsukuroi (and Some Other Random Thoughts)
I read about kintsukuroi on Jasmine Star's blog the other day and can't get it out of my head. (Why am I reading a weeding photographer's blog, you may ask? Because I really admire the way she runs her business...especially how she feels that you get ahead by helping other people, not stepping on them. I believe that too. It's how I try to run my business. I feel like it's pretty rare.)
Anyway, kintsukuroi - it's Japanese, "to repair with gold", the theory being that something is more beautiful for having been broken.
Honestly, I'm not sure I 100% believe this, but it's such a lovely thought, and I hope that it is true.
On a completely unrelated topic, so sorry to neglect this space so terribly as of late...a massive pre-vacation workload and now I'm on vacation and don't feel like doing anything, plus the kids are teething and incredibly fussy/clingy at the moment so makes it hard to do anything but be with them, which is OK because, ahhhhhh, so great not to have to worry about work deadlines and just spend the whole day with my kiddos.
(At least that's how I feel most of the time. But when they haven't stopped whining for 3 hours straight and both want my lap to themselves, pushing the other one off, all I can think is, "what am I doing wrong?")
Anyway. Hope everyone out there is doing well and I will be posting more regularly soon, promise.
Happy Wednesday!
XOXO
Image credit: https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/58787_376544129119318_1944135826_n.jpg
Instructions for Living a Life
Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.
--Mary Oliver
(via AB CHAO)
Good Mom
OK, I know I'm pregnant and all, but the following totally made me cry. I feel so judged as a mom, and the worst of it is probably me judging myself, wanting to be perfect (or at least as close to it as possible) and not even knowing what that is (is working part time OK? Is disposable diapering OK? Is it OK that my son was on his dad's lap watching a video game for a short time yesterday?), let alone how to acheive it.
Anyway, I've never heard this put quite this way before, and reading this made my day:
“To the mom who's breastfeeding: Way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom.
To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer, but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.
To the cloth diapering mom: Fluffy bums are the cutest, and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.
To the disposable diapering mom: Damn those things hold a lot, and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.
To the mom who stays home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do, but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.
To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.
To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.
To the mom who gave her kids a homecooked breakfast lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important, and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age, a boon for the rest of their lives. You're a good mom.
To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in the fancy restaurant: Kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.
To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.
To the moms who judge other moms for ANY of the above? Glass houses, friend. Glass houses.”
Posted by Jill Smith in London Ontario https://www.facebook.com/JillSmith/posts/10151591809572180
(via Danielle Ramsey)
Happy Monday!
XOXO
Cool Stuff on the Intranet
I leisurely poked around the Internet yesteday while on bed rest, something I almost never do anymore. (So fun!) A few things especially resonated with me...thought I'd share...
"Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."
--Ida Scott Taylor (via Creature Comforts)
"Let the day know more
than you. Say it is raining.
Say there is a tree. Though it does
not keep you dry, there is a swing
hidden in the branches within reach.
Swing. Though you are drenched,
my god, it is fine to swing."
--Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (via A Hundred Falling Veils)
And this clothing line...oh, I want to fill my closet full of these clothes (and the accompanying photos are so dreamy and pretty): Sundry Clothing (via Tomboy Style)
And these pictures of San Francisco...1) They me soooooo homesick for California, and 2) Make me wish I could take pictures like this. Make me want to devote time to learning how to take pictures that rival these... (via sfgirlbybay)
XOXO
Image Credit: Sundry Clothing.
20 Questions
Note: This post is written as part of PAIL's "20 Questions" request...I'll update with a link to the other participants once it becomes available...
1. What was the last thing you threw in the garbage?
A Lipton tea bag. I drink 2 cups every morning.
2. What's the #1 most played song on your iPOD?
Actually, this is a funny story. When I was living with my brother Luke before he died, he used to get ahold of my phone and as a joke change the ringtone to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" all the time (not sure why that song, he didn't even like Michael Jackson), and then I'd be traveling for work and my phone would ring and I'd be embarrassed...so unprofessional.
And then one day I realized he'd downloaded "Beat It" onto my iPod and he must have spent all night one night pressing play over and over because it was the #1 most played song by a WIDE margin.
Because he's no longer alive, little memories/reminders like this are so precious...glad I got to think about this this morning...
3. What is your favorite quote?
One of my favorites, because it talks to the simple magic that so many of my days these days are made of:
"It's not every day that the world arranges itself into a poem." --Wallace Stevens
4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
Weeding. Followed by putting away the laundry.
5. What is your favorite form of exercise?
Used to be surfing for many years, now I want to say snowboarding...I used to have a season pass and go all the time, but since I've had kids I haven't been able to get it together to go, which is OK, I'll snowboard again. What I actually do these days is hiking and hot yoga.
6. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
I love the light in the evening, just before the sun goes down. And Fall is my favorite time of year, especially in Colorado.
7. What is on your bedside table?
Stacks and stacks of magazines (mostly New Yorkers and Poetry, the occasional Vogue), much to my husband's chagrin.
8. What is your favorite body part?
On me? I used to love that I had a flat, flat stomach...but not so much since having twins.
9. Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.
Good for sure...I have a hard time being evil. I'm waaaaaay too nice, which is not necessarily a good thing...
10. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would that be?
Whatever age involves having little kids all around me...this time is so happy and precious...so afraid of it passing...
11. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?
Buy a slopeside condo in Crested Butte, CO, a cottage on the beach at Rincon (Santa Barbara, CA area), a bungalow in Seattle. Then spend my time traveling amongst the three.
12. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who do crappy/sloppy work.
13. If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?
How do you survive tragedy and keep yourself intact? I feel like I've barely made it through things life has already thrown at me, and it's inevitable that there's more to come.
14. At what age did you become an adult?
Late 30s.
15. Recommend a book, movie, or television show in 3 sentences.
One of my favorite books ever is called "Holy Land" by D.J. Waldie. It's tiny little essays about a tract home development in Southern California, which sounds so boring but the writing is absolutely brilliant and so incredibly its own. My deepest wish is to write something as cool as this book.
16. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
Pretty much nothing (see #9 above). I did bite my brother in the bathtub when I was a little kid, and then said to my mom, "But Mommy! I didn't bite him! I had my mouth open and he fell on my teeth!"
17. What was the first album you bought with your own money?
I can't remember. I'd like to think it was some cool grunge band like Nirvana, but it was probably some horribly shallow and vapid '80s pop thing.
18. If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?
I've written a book about me (more specifically, about my time in Santa Barbara), and I can't come up with a title. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know...
19. What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?
See #16, above. I've actually recently told my mom that she only gets to bring this incident up 5 more times, so ration wisely. :)
20. True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.
I'm actually partial to the mermaid, given my love of the sea...
XOXO
Going Through Old Files Getting Ready to Write Again, and Finding a Poem That Makes Me Think of My Brother Luke
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
One of the things I want to do this year is write again...I mean, I write here, and for my job Monday through Friday...but I mean work on some of my book-length projects...things I haven't touched in a year or more, being hugely pregnant and then with the twins...
The first step is getting organized, seeing where I left off...no small feat. And interesting what you find when doing so...
I found a poem, one of only two poems I've ever memorized in my life, I love it because it says to me what writing is about, not giving up on your dreams, you know? What the real reward for doing it is.
Also, it's by Charles Bukowski, one of my favorite writers of all time. My brother Luke's (the one who died), too. When we were living together our house was full of his books, and one night we went to see a documentary about him up at UCSB with the drummer in Luke's band. The drummer's girlfriend was always involved in these fancy party-type things and we met the drummer at one of them, there was a photographer taking pictures of people for the society pages of the newspaper or whatever, and a picture of us ended up there, with the same last name it looked like we were a married couple. "This is why I can't get a date in this town," Luke said. Actually, that crowd, where we made the occasional appearance (not really our scene)...pretty much everyone assumed we were just some "cute surfer couple," as the drummer's girlfriend (now wife) tells the story, not brother and sister, I'm assuming because wherever we went we were always together, plus having the same last name...
Missing Luke...wish I had a copy of that picture...I know the drummer's girlfriend has one because she mentioned it last time I saw her...
But, I hugely digress...
Anyway, here's the poem. Excited to be starting to write again...feels good.
afternoons into night
Charles Bukowski
looking out the window
smoking rolled cigarettes
drinking Sanka
and watching the workers
come on in
I wonder, how much longer
can I get away with this?
stories and poems and
paintings
surviving on that.
an insane girlfriend
years younger
who loves me
types at her novel
in the kitchen
my stories, my poems...
what is a poem?
a book by Celine sits on
the edge of the bathtub.
I read it when I bathe
and laugh.
the workers come in now
I see their faces,
the insides scraped away,
the outsides
missing.
I've had their jobs,
their goldfish
security
Segovia plays to me
so softly from the
radio, the daylight's going.
look here--
the trip's been worth it,
while jetliners go to New York and
Georgia and Texas
I sit surrounded by hymns that
nobody can ever take away
as the workers bend over
hot soup and cold
wives.
Thanks for spending some time here this week. Hope you have a lovely weekend. :)
XOXO
Image Credit: luckyfish.
A Good Start to the New Year (and Some Advice From Julia Child)
Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday! (And Happy New Year!)
Hope you all had a nice day yesterday. We spent it relaxing with the kids, which was so lovely. I also put one of my Christmas presents from my husband to use for the first time...he got me Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking," Volumes 1 and 2, and I made beef bourguignon...took a good part of the afternoon and about every pot and pan we have, and while I was tasting during the cooking it didn't seem like anything special, but the finished dish, oh my, it was absolutely divine. That for dinner, along with a nice glass of red wine, was such a great way to start the New Year.
By the way, I love Julia Child, have read several books by and about her and she wrote such a charming introduction to my new cookbooks. Included in that introduction were the following bits of advice (and I'm paraphrasing):
1) Don't be afraid to make mistakes and have fun (she's talking about cooking of course, but it's applicable pretty much anywhere, no?)
and:
2) You can eat pretty much anything you want and keep your figure if you a) serve yourself a small portion, b) don't have seconds, and c) don't snack. Which makes me feel entitled to cook and eat from my new cookbooks once a week or so...it's going to be fun. :)
How did you all spend your New Year's Day?
XOXO
Image credit: Ooka Medias.
"There Are Lives I Can Imagine Without Children..."
"There are lives I can imagine without children but none of them have the same laughter & noise."
--Brian Andreas
Truth in Blogging
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind of late, mostly because as I come out of the fog of the first few months of motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be moving forward.
From the beginning, this blog was meant as a fun, creative project for me. What it was about initially was my struggles getting over the death of my brother, and, even more so, my last few rounds of IVF and the last loss (late miscarriage) that we suffered in relation to that.
And then the pregnancy that didn't end in disaster! Yay! And the twins...the incredible twins that have brought so much joy to our lives. And so these days, this is very much a parenting blog, and that's where I want this blog to go (for the time being, at least).
One of the things that popped into my head last week while thinking about this is that famous Tolstoy quote, about (and I'm paraphrasing) every happy family being the same, but every unhappy family being unhappy in its own way.
I was thinking about that because ours is such a happy family, and that's what I want this blog to be about. And I disagree that every happy family is the same. I think they are all different, and for me the key to making it thought this life with all its trials and tribulations is to focus on what is happy--the unique, specific things that bring happiness--especially when times are good, which they are right now.
OK.
That said, there is a flip side.
Of course my life's not perfect...no one's is. And I'm afraid that people reading my blog will think that it is these days, because I don't talk about the bad stuff very often anymore. A lot of that is because there isn't that much bad stuff. And also, I am making a conscious choice to focus on the good.
But is that dishonest?
I'm going to say no...my space, my rules, and I'm not making my life out to be something that it's not. I really just don't want to focus on the negative. But there ARE things that happen and things that I worry about that I don't usually bring up. For instance:
- My husband and I fight sometimes. We always make up, but still, it happens
- I still miss my brother terribly sometimes
- I still fell totally traumatized by what we went through to have children, although for the most part I'm just trying not to think about it. (Same with my brother. I'm not sure how healthy a coping strategy this is, but it's what I've got)
- Sometimes I'm scared of moving (which is probably what's going to happen once my husband accepts a job). Actually, I'm excited for my husband to get an amazing job, and I'm excited to go with him somewhere new. It's just that I'm going to miss my parents. And it's going to be fine because we're all committed to visiting, there's phone calls and Skype and email and etc, etc. I'm just a little afraid of the unknown...
- I'm still scared that something is going to happen to the twins. The horrible anxiety I had right after they were born is gone, thank goodness. But still, I worry
- And I have regrets about the past...the far past...things I can't do anything about...
- And work can be...I mean, I'm really grateful of the fact--and proud of the fact--that I can support my family if need be (like in this interim place between my husband finishing school and finding a good job). Still, sometimes work...there can be stress and angst
- I shouldn't worry about money, because we're doing fine, but sometimes I do
- Etc...
Here's why I don't want to write about these things that often. Not because I'm embarrassed about any of them, or that I want people to think my life is better than it is. But because the things that go on, the things I worry about...for the most part they don't change. And I don't want to be a broken record, over and over with the small things that are at times not so great.
This isn't a diary. This isn't a confessional tell-all, and I'm not pretending it is. This is just a space where I (for the most part) want to record all that is joyous in my life, and there is so, so much of that.
But I promise, on occasion, to spill the beans on the bad stuff.
Because that's part of it, too.
Just not the part I want to focus on, and I hope that that's OK.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this...
XOXO
Joy + Fear
..."a crude blending of idiotic irrational joy and fevered fear of living in a world of harm."
--W.S. Di Piero, in Poetry Magazine, June 2012
This is what being a mama is all about, isn't it?
Or is it just me?
XO
Henry James Says: "Feel"
Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!
So I'm reading a book right now called Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi, and something I read last night has really stuck with me, mostly because I am always being accused of feeling too much, of being overly emotional about everything, taking on everyone's pain as my own. (My husband calls this personality trait "being fuzzy"...his nickname for me is "fuzz.")
I'm not very accepting of this (being so emotional and feeling everything so deeply), and the people closest to me aren't really generally very happy about it, either. I am a lot of times trying to fight it, but sometimes I think fighting it is wrong and what I REALLY need to be doing is accepting myself the way I am.
That's why it was so nice to read this passage in the book last night. The author (Nafisi) is quoting from a letter Henry James wrote to a friend whose husband had been killed in WWI. James says:
"I am incapable of telling you not to repine and rebel, because I have so, to my cost, the imagination of all things, and because I am incapable of telling you not to feel. Feel, feel, I say--feel for all you're worth, even if it half kills you, for that is the only way to live, especially to live at this terrible pressure, and the only way to honour and celebrate these admirable beings who are our pride and inspiration."
Nafisi adds: "In letters to friends, again and again he [James] urges them to feel. Feeling would stir up empathy and would remind them that life was worth living."
In other words, it's OK to be fuzzy. I'm not feeling bad about being fuzzy today...
XOXO
BTW, going to Denver early in the morning, so won't be posting again until Monday. Hope everyone has a great weekend! And congrats to all the newly born babies and confirmed pregnancies out there...there are a lot this week...so very happy for all of you!!!
XOXO
All I Want...
Well, this isn't ALL I want. But it's a big part of what makes me happy.
XO
Image Credit: 20x200 via sfgirlbybay.
"Youthful Wonder"
Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...
A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"
"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow."
Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?
All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...
Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)
Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?
I miss it...
XO
Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.
Why Is it So Hard for Me to Be OK With My Flaws?
Hi Everyone!
First off, those of you who have been getting my blog via a reader...it seems everyone got kicked off in the past week or so, so please resubscribe if you'd like to keep reading. Thanks and sorry for the hassle! :)
So, I was reading an essay today, out of Charles Baxter's book "Burning Down the House: Essays on Fiction," and came across the following (the writer is talking about how at funerals everyone just says good stuff about the person who has died):
"My problem was that I hadn't known the deceased well enough to know his failings--those features by which I might have identified with him--and the litany of praise only managed to distance him from me. I wanted a recital of his failures and oddities..."
He also wrote: "You don't cry at a funeral unless you have had the time to know the person who has died and to know that person in success as well as failure."
This is something I think about sometimes. I love people for their flaws...their "oddities and failures"...to me it's what makes them interesting and quirky and human. Someone who looks and acts like they have the perfect life, I either barely know them or they are so foreign to me...I have so many flaws, I need other flawed (read: real) people to relate to, you know?
I am so open to and accepting of flaws in other people. But in myself? Not so much. In myself, I feel like flaws are something to be irradiated, hated, riled and fought against. I am not at all accepting of them, and I have lots. What comes to mind today:
- So emotional
- And sooooooooo sentimental, I get attached to/miss people and places and things with so much intensity, it is not healthy
- And I work too much
- And wish I was going to be a younger mother, but there's nothing to be done about that. Actually, I wish my body hadn't failed me so miserably in the reproductive department...that's what this one comes down to...
- I wish I could cook better...my husband is a great cook and essentially thinks I suck at it (although he does let me assist him)...which doesn't go along with my dreams of being the perfect housewife but oh, well
- My best friend dresses so much cuter than me
- I am not as good/strong/fast/risk-taking of a surfer/snowboarder as I want to be (although I AM pretty good [or used to be]...there's just always someone better than me)
- I don't really pursue my professional dreams, instead just stick with what's safe/easy
- I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons and what a disaster that turned out to be. Plus I wish I'd never been divorced
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
I don't know if it's just human nature to fight against your flaws. But a lot of what I hate are things I can't change. Some things I can change and maybe I can/should work on them. But I'm always going to have flaws.
I guess the question is how to embrace those flaws and be OK with them, you know? I am who I am, and I know there is a lot of good in me too, as there is in all my friends, whose flaws I love as they are what makes them human--what helps me, as Charles Baxter says, identify with them.
To go off on a slightly different tangent, I think this is what's behind why I love blogs so much...you get to meet people, flaws and all, whereas IRL everyone is generally just putting their best face forward...
What do you all think? How do you come to a place where you are OK with the parts of yourself that aren't so great?
XOXO
House Rules
I came across these House Rules over the weekend, written and designed by Martina of My Mid-Centruy Modern Life just prior to the arrival of her little foster daughter. Love, love, love...hope you all enjoy, as well.
XO