So Scared I'm Not Pregnant. And Feeling So Lost...

Woke up feeling really down and defeated this morning, and like I'm making up all these pregnancy symptoms I've been obsessing over all week...like it's all in my head. The worst part is I've been telling my husband about potential symptoms and he's excited...thinks that I'm probably pregnant and what if I'm not? What if I got his hopes up for no reason? Yeah, I'm tired (fell asleep on the couch before dinner last night), and thinking my sense of smell might be more sensitive, and my stomach's upset this morning (probably totally unrelated), but maybe I just want this so bad, I'm seeing symptoms where there aren't any.

I'm also having a total existential crisis (ongoing, but it's reared its ugly head this morning...of course this can't just be about whether I'm pregnant or not...that would be too easy.) I just feel so lost. I have really since my brother's death. What do you do when you've lost your best friend in the world and a whole life that you loved, one where we were young and we lived together and surfed every day and took care of each other and nothing truly bad had ever happened to us?

What does it all mean...you know...life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Why can't I have something good and happy and life-affirming (eg, a baby) happen...why does everything have to be about death and loss and failure?*

The two week wait is awful...just want it to be over...

*My mom would have me add here that there is a lot of good in my life, and it's true. My husband, my family, my friends, money, health (except for this infertility thing), etc. But my brother's death, leaving California, not feeling like I'm doing anything worthwhile in my professional life, and especially right now our repeated failures to have a baby...I'm mean it's just been years of month after month after month of disappointment, plus a heartbreaking miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies that were honestly almost as bad...all this is really taking its toll...

Sorry...trying to be strong and brave...just can't rise to the occasion this morning...

I Feel Like I'm Pregnant...But That Scares Me... (And, of Course, Your Daily Dose of Anything that Could Possibly Be Interpreted as a Pregnancy Symptom)

A friend of mine sent me princess birthday candles last week...we used them on the cake my mom baked for my belated birthday dinner last night...too fun!

Two more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not.

My plan for Sunday is to go to my local blood draw lab early, get my blood drawn, wake up my husband a couple hours later, and then go together to the lab to get the results. (My clinic is out of town and really bad about calling me with results. Can't figure out if the lab is bad about sending them or my clinic is bad about receiving them. Once my clinic didn't even call with my beta results until the NEXT DAY...can you imagine? So I've made friends with everyone at my local lab and they happily hand over my results. Much less stressful than sitting by the phone all day waiting for a call that may not even come.)

Overall, I just kind of have this gut feeling that I'm pregnant. Which is great. Except when I HAVE been pregnant, I've been convinced that I'm not, so maybe it's a bad sign that I think that I am? Ah, the convoluted thinking that goes along with an IVF cycle...

As far as symptoms:

• Up twice last night to get a drink of water...yeah, definitely thirsty
• My husband says he thinks my boobs are bigger (although I'm not sure I agree)...but they do have really visible blue veins running underneath the surface, which I read somewhere is a pregnancy symptom, and I had this during the two week wait last cycle when I was pregnant. I'm also trying to decide if my boobs are starting to get more sensitive...maybe...but it's kind of hard to say...
• Again with the heavy feeling in my lower belly...like I'm going to get my period but I felt this when I was pregnant before (and it upset me because I was convinced that my cycle didn't work...but then it turned out that it had...)
• I keep waiting for some sort of implantation spotting, but there hasn't been any. You can be pregnant without implantation spotting, right?

I'll be blogging over the weekend...tomorrow with a symptom report and Sunday with my beta results. Cross your fingers for me!

XOXO

Image Credit: Target.

Living in the Moment (And the Ongoing 2WW Symptom Watch)

The roses in my garden are so beautiful this morning...

Hi and Happy Thursday!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who left comments and emailed me yesterday gently suggesting that I should try to live in the moment vs obsess about what I'll do if I'm not pregnant this cycle (especially since I've already got clear plans for our next step--another FET ASAP.) It was JUST what I needed to hear, and I have been/am planning a bunch of little things to keep me in the here-and-now...from last night's little retail therapy session (my new aviator sunglasses look so cool, and I can wear them even if I'm pregnant and huge), to washing and brushing our two dogs, to working on the purple-and-black-and-white 70s poncho I'm knitting (I'm having a total hippie/bohemian moment as far as clothes go lately), to a birthday dinner at my parents tonight, to getting some belated and about-to-happen wedding and birthday cards/gifts out to my friends, to sitting in rocking chairs in the shade with my husband playing a game of cribbage, etc. Doing all this stuff is good...it's helping me to feel better.

And, as far as things that could possibly be considered pregnancy symptoms:

• I've been tired (although my insomnia's back, so not sure if there's anything valid there) 
• And hungry
• And thirsty (had to get up in the middle of the night last night for a glass of water)
• Oh, and yesterday I was craving a burrito for lunch, and I clearly remember having a week or two when I was newly pregnant last time when all I wanted to eat was burritos
• Also little stomach cramps on and off yesterday
• And...I don't really know how to describe this...kind of an achy feeling in my belly...like you get when you're about to get your period, but I also remember having this feeling before when I was pregnant (although it could mean my period is on its way...who knows?)

Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta.

XO

HPT With IVF (And 2WW Symptom Watch)

Happy Monday Everyone!

So the question on my mind this week of course (because I'm in the 2 week wait [2WW] with my latest round of IVF) is whether or not to use a home pregnancy test (HPT).

Pros:

• You can potentially find out earlier than your blood test if you're pregnant, thus eliminating some of the pain of waiting
• You can have some control over the process

Cons:

• You can be pregnant and get a negative result
• The HPT coming up negative can cause severe emotional distress (at least it can for me)
• You have to deal with the disappointment of the negative HPT, and then the call from your doctor with bad news, instead of dealing with things just once

My second and maybe third (I can't really remember) IVFs I used HPTs. I was pregnant both times, but the tests always came back negative (the pregnancies were chemical pregnancies, though, which meant they weren't going to last...if I'd tested the time I got pregnant and didn't lose the baby right away, I probably would have gotten a positive result.) Each day I tested. Each day it came back negative. Each day I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean, sobbing and screaming on the bathroom floor, which couldn't have been good for the baby/ies, you know? I'm emotional to start with, but with the drugs on top of it...and how high the stakes were...

As tempting as the HPT is, I don't think I'm going to do it. I do better when I don't do it. But mostly, if there's a baby/ies in there, I want to protect them form me getting so upset. I can make it to Sunday.

All of you going through fertility treatments...what do you do as far as HPT? Am I the only one who can't deal?

In other news, let's obsess over possible pregnancy symptoms, shall we? My first 3 IVF cycles I wasn't blogging and didn't write anything down anywhere, and my last cycle I didn't really document as I was trying not to obsess. But now I wish I had a record of what symptoms appeared when. And so:

• Yesterday I felt some slight cramping/pinching in my abdomen...maybe implantation? (Yesterday was 2 days post transfer of what I think were 6-day embryos [possibly 5])
• And, I had to lay down and take a nap in the afternoon, which is not like me (and I've FINALLY started sleeping at night again, so it's not being tired from insomnia)

I know it's really too early for symptoms. Stay tuned...

XO