Everything Just Feels So Heavy Right Now...
Hi Everyone...
Gosh, what a strange week this has been. Three things:
- The whole Newtown tragedy has been so hugely on my mind.
- I have been missing Luke--my brother who died--so much this week. Maybe because it feels like the whole nation is grieving. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe something else I don't know but I just have these little snippets of memories running around in my head. Like the year we drove home in the middle of the night for Xmas, Santa Barbara to Colorado, and Luke was pushing it as far as having enough gas and we ran out in the middle of the desert in CA right before the Nevada border...we could see that first Nevada casino town sparkling in the distance. And while we waited for Triple A Luke took his boxer Dexter out and chased him around the Joshua trees on the side of the road...or the time years before he and his girlfriend came to visit me Xmas time in San Francisco and we went to see the Smuin Ballet and then to the bar in the W Hotel...such a fun and unusually swanky night...or the argument we had about the Beastie Boys song where they talk about making a record scratch and then say "don't try this at home boys and girls, only under hip-hop supervision," except Luke thought they said only ON THE Hip-Hop SuperVision, like it was a product you could buy. Why didn't we just look it up on the internet to see who was right? I think we may have been in Baja, or did people not just jump on Google to resolve arguments back then? Anyway, for Xmas that year he bought me a kid's DJ turntable set-up and wrote Hip-Hop SuperVision all over the box...or I think back to when he was a baby, he was born in November and I have such clear memories of me as a little kid, rocking him in the dark in his room with the zoo animal curtains, singing him Christmas carols...big sigh...don't know why I'm thinking of him so much right now...
- And then, to top it all off, I've been procrastinating on a work project...we are doing a video of a little six-year-old girl with cancer...my client, their product is helping her...and my job is to write the interview questions for her and her brother and her parents. Her mom has a blog and I've been reading through it so I have the background I need and oh, it is just heartbreaking...she and her family are so strong and so brave, so real and the pictures...the picture of her laying with a bunch of pillows and blankets in front of a big fish tank with like 20 different pieces of medical equipment hooked up to her, assuming she's getting chemo...gosh, I've got to just separate my emotions and do my job and write the questions, but it's killing me...just feeling so much compassion for this girl and her family...having a hard time being professional and methodical about this
Anyway, I'm writing this blog post instead of the questions...hoping to get some of the emotion out of me and...you know...
I haven't cried about any of this yet...would probably feel better if I did.
Oh, and I completely stopped breastfeeding less than a week ago, so who knows what kinds of hormonal shifts are contributing to all this...
XOXO
