Grace in Small Things, September 25, 2013

Hi Everyone...

Feeling pretty down this afternoon...having trouble working (I've been trying to write a newsletter article for 2 hours and I have 2 sentences...) ...can't make myself go for a hike (why?...it's gorgeous out...I have the time...the dogs will love it...I'll feel better...) ...figured it would be a good time to list some things that are good in my life, right?

And so:

1. My husband and I and the twins are going out for Chinese food tonight, which sounds lovely. Haven't had Chinese food in months and months (since we moved)...hope we end up at a good place (and that the kids like Chinese...)
2. Big changes are afoot at work...my biggest client, whom I've worked with for 7 years, isn't going to be using freelancers anymore after the first of the year. But I do work for other people and this sort of thing has happened before and another client always comes in to fill the void and I only need to work 20 hours a week...so I'm a little scared, but mostly I'm just trusting that things will be OK. Glad to not be panicked over this...
3. I'm still really up and down, but on the whole probably more up than down. My mornings/evenings with the kids/my husband are generally glorious...just sometimes I have a hard time working instead of thinking about what happened, and late at night when I should be sleeping things aren't always the best. But every minute of every day isn't horrible, and I'm grateful for that...
4. I've got about 15 lbs. left to lose from my pregnancy/fertility drugs and it's not happening very fast...but, my husband wants us to commit to doing this exercise thing together (5 AM classes 4 days a week...ugh...that's going to be hard...) so that should help right? And it will be great to do it together...
5. I've been kind of obsessed with figuring out what the next step is as far as having another baby (or figuring out if there is a next step...)...my husband is urging me to take a 6-month break and I am slowly getting more comfortable with that idea...grateful to have some sort of a plan, even if the plan is to do nothing for a little while...

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday...

XOXO

Kintsukuroi (and Some Other Random Thoughts)

I read about kintsukuroi on Jasmine Star's blog the other day and can't get it out of my head. (Why am I reading a weeding photographer's blog, you may ask? Because I really admire the way she runs her business...especially how she feels that you get ahead by helping other people, not stepping on them. I believe that too. It's how I try to run my business. I feel like it's pretty rare.)

Anyway, kintsukuroi - it's Japanese, "to repair with gold", the theory being that something is more beautiful for having been broken.

Honestly, I'm not sure I 100% believe this, but it's such a lovely thought, and I hope that it is true. 

On a completely unrelated topic, so sorry to neglect this space so terribly as of late...a massive pre-vacation workload and now I'm on vacation and don't feel like doing anything, plus the kids are teething and incredibly fussy/clingy at the moment so makes it hard to do anything but be with them, which is OK because, ahhhhhh, so great not to have to worry about work deadlines and just spend the whole day with my kiddos.

(At least that's how I feel most of the time. But when they haven't stopped whining for 3 hours straight and both want my lap to themselves, pushing the other one off, all I can think is, "what am I doing wrong?")

Anyway. Hope everyone out there is doing well and I will be posting more regularly soon, promise.

Happy Wednesday!

XOXO

Image credit: https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/58787_376544129119318_1944135826_n.jpg

Balance

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

I have a lot I want to say today and not sure how to start, so I'm just going to kind of dive right in.

I've been struggling for the past few months. There's been:

• A move to a place I don't know and didn't choose (I told my husband we'd go wherever was best for his career), also away from my family and the state I grew up in--the state that feels like home
• My husband stopping his full-time stay-at-home-dad gig and starting a full-time job
• Getting pregnant with our third child (via an FET and all the craziness that entails)

So lots and lots and lots of change.

My days these days, they go like this:

• Up with the kids at 7 AM. Hang out with them until 10:30 or 11
• Work from 10:30 or 11 to 5ish (or whenever the kids get up from their afternoon nap. My mother-in-law, who is living with us, watches the kids while I work)
• Watch kids from 5 to 8 (with some help from my husband, but I'm generally the primary caretaker, and I'm fine with that. He and my mother-in-law do dinner and clean up most nights, which is huge)
• After 8 work more if needed, do any housework that needs to be done, watch some TV/Netflix, or read. Honestly after 8 I am absolutely exhausted

And I'm really feeling like all of a sudden there is no time for me, that my life is kids, work, kids, chores, sleep. And it's made way worse by being so sick in the first trimester of pregnancy (not to mention the exhaustion). Sometimes I can't work from 11 to 5 because I have to lay down and then I have to do nights and weekends to make up for it. I've just started getting a massage every other week, but that's really been it as far as doing anything for myself. And it's my fault, because I have my mother-in-law to help and my husband is great, he says to schedule whatever I want to schedule and he'll watch the kids, he's so awesome. But even though "me time" is being so generously offered, it's so hard to do.

Part of the problem is work, I work as a freelancer and it's supposed to be 20 hours a week (well, right now we are shooting for 30 so I can save some money for a maternity leave), but there is no way to work exactly 20 hours a week as a freelancer. So for a lot of May I wasn't working much at all, which was so nice, but in June I have been working a lot because there are projects and I need to even the hours out. The busy times are so incredibly hard on me, though. It's stressful and exhausting.

Part of the problem is having an enormous TO DO list, and everything but me getting put first. I never feel on top of things. I need to just squeeze in stuff for me. Like today, I have so many work projects it's so easy to work every second of my kid-free time, but my camera hasn't been working and I stopped work to take it to a camera repair place and get it fixed and that was so great, the work will be there tomorrow and I can't tell you how good it feels to do something for me.

The way I see it, there are four things:

1. Kids
2. Work
3. Running the household (everything from laundry to cooking and cleaning to calling the tree guy because our trees don't look that great or the pool cover guy because our pool cover needs adjusting to going to the bank and the post office and etc., all of which I have help with)
4. Me time (which includes time alone with my husband)

The kids are my first priority, and I'm really proud of how well they are taken care of/how much attention they get.

Work gets the attention it needs because I want to make my clients happy (it's a problem, actually, I have no trouble putting their needs before mine), and also if I don't do a good job there won't BE a job and I am extremely grateful to be able to freelance.

The household, my mother-in-law is doing so much, and my husband...I definitely play a role here but it's between the three of us that things get done. I am extraordinarily grateful for the help. Oh and we have a house cleaner every other week. If it were all just up to me, the household would be a complete disaster.

And me...always on the back burner and I think that has a lot to do with me feeling so sad. A lot has changed, the rhythm of our days is totally different than it was when my husband was a stay-at-home-dad and I don't think I've really thought about that and adjusted for it. Before my husband started working again this (not feeling like I have any time for myself) didn't seem to be a problem. Now it is.

So starting with tomorrow's pregnancy update, I'm going to do a "What I've been doing for me" section. And make sure there's something to put there each week. That's my strategy for feeling better. And with the morning sickness that's really complicated this whole thing set to subside soon (in theory at least)--being so sick has made it impossible to want to do anything in time that's not work- or kid-related other than lay down--I think that's a reasonable goal.

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, San Francisco Edition (January 10, 2013)

A few lovely things that happened on my quick (48 hour) work trip to San Francisco (into which I tried to squeeze as much socializing as humanly possible). Oh, how I love San Francisco. I lived there for seven years, miss it every day.

1. Driving up from San Jose on the 280 early misty morning, having just spent a too-short evening/overnight with my college roommate Chris and his fiance Kim, love being around them, they always make me feel so incredibly welcome. (Years ago they even gave me a key to their house so I could come and go as I pleased whenever visiting the Bay Area.) Yesterday driving up to the city the light was just starting to come, the hills so green, the trees so lush...made me think of driving east on the 80 from Colorado the March I moved out to San Francisco, my brother Luke drove me, we left a foot of snow behind in Colorado and the green of the hills and the black-and-white cows, the warm humid air...I will never forget it.

2. Hiking and getting to see some of the art installations in the Presidio with Ryan (with whom I used to surf all. the. time.) So lovely to see him (and see where his family lives as they've moved since last time I visited...it's gorgeous)...and so nice to get out in nature, exactly what I wanted to do.

3. Seeing Wendy, whom I work with and who has a spectacular town home in Sausalito, so girly, so lovely.

[Insert confusing work meeting here.]

4. Getting to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge (twice). And reaching Ocean Beach before dark (which I didn't think would happen), so I could get at least a glimpse of my beloved waves. Cold and windy, wild like always, the feel and the smell of the air like it is only there...heaven...

5. Seeing my friends Stacey and Tobin, who live a block from the beach, you can hear the ocean at night from their house.

True story: We went for sushi last night (which was unbelievable. I'm never eating sushi in Colorado again.) Anyway, parking in San Francisco is INSANELY hard, for those of you who don't know. I lived on Russian Hill when I lived there, and in the evenings if it took you half an hour to find a parking spot and the spot was within a 10-block radius of where you lived, you were lucky.

Last night, there was a space right across the street from the restaurant. Tobin did a U-turn to snag it, and some other guy saw it at the same time, turned from the other direction and was about to take it. After they both tried unsuccessfully to wave each other away from the spot, Tobin got out of the car, the other guy got halfway out, each of them saying, "Hey I saw it first, that's my spot." This is the kind of thing that ends up in fist fights, right?

"Tell you what, why don't we flip for it?" Tobin said to the other guy. "That's fair, right? We both think we're right...this is a fair way to decide."

"All right," said the other guy.

The coin was flipped.

Tobin won.

Then said to the other guy, "You know what? It's OK, you can have the spot."

But the other guy said no, wouldn't take it--fair is fair--and we ended up with the spot.

Lovely trip. Missed my babies. I'm exhausted after a 4:15 AM wakeup to make a 6 AM flight. How did I used to travel 150 days a year?

Oh and P.S. any of my San Francisco friends reading this that I didn't get to see...soooooooo sorry! Don't take it personally! There wasn't any time! Next trip I PROMISE. :)

XOXO

Everything Just Feels So Heavy Right Now...

Hi Everyone...

Gosh, what a strange week this has been. Three things:

1. The whole Newtown tragedy has been so hugely on my mind. 
2. I have been missing Luke--my brother who died--so much this week. Maybe because it feels like the whole nation is grieving. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe something else I don't know but I just have these little snippets of memories running around in my head. Like the year we drove home in the middle of the night for Xmas, Santa Barbara to Colorado, and Luke was pushing it as far as having enough gas and we ran out in the middle of the desert in CA right before the Nevada border...we could see that first Nevada casino town sparkling in the distance. And while we waited for Triple A Luke took his boxer Dexter out and chased him around the Joshua trees on the side of the road...or the time years before he and his girlfriend came to visit me Xmas time in San Francisco and we went to see the Smuin Ballet and then to the bar in the W Hotel...such a fun and unusually swanky night...or the argument we had about the Beastie Boys song where they talk about making a record scratch and then say "don't try this at home boys and girls, only under hip-hop supervision," except Luke thought they said only ON THE Hip-Hop SuperVision, like it was a product you could buy. Why didn't we just look it up on the internet to see who was right? I think we may have been in Baja, or did people not just jump on Google to resolve arguments back then? Anyway, for Xmas that year he bought me a kid's DJ turntable set-up and wrote Hip-Hop SuperVision all over the box...or I think back to when he was a baby, he was born in November and I have such clear memories of me as a little kid, rocking him in the dark in his room with the zoo animal curtains, singing him Christmas carols...big sigh...don't know why I'm thinking of him so much right now...
3. And then, to top it all off, I've been procrastinating on a work project...we are doing a video of a little six-year-old girl with cancer...my client, their product is helping her...and my job is to write the interview questions for her and her brother and her parents. Her mom has a blog and I've been reading through it so I have the background I need and oh, it is just heartbreaking...she and her family are so strong and so brave, so real and the pictures...the picture of her laying with a bunch of pillows and blankets in front of a big fish tank with like 20 different pieces of medical equipment hooked up to her, assuming she's getting chemo...gosh, I've got to just separate my emotions and do my job and write the questions, but it's killing me...just feeling so much compassion for this girl and her family...having a hard time being professional and methodical about this

Anyway, I'm writing this blog post instead of the questions...hoping to get some of the emotion out of me and...you know...

I haven't cried about any of this yet...would probably feel better if I did.

Oh, and I completely stopped breastfeeding less than a week ago, so who knows what kinds of hormonal shifts are contributing to all this...

XOXO

Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

Soooooo excited about December's PAIL monthly theme post: "Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood." This is something I think about ALL THE TIME. 

First, a little background for those who don't know me well--these are the things that demand my time:

• I have 9-month-old twins, and we are going to try and have one more baby within the next year
• I'm married and my marriage is very important to me
• I also work part time from home. I work in advertising, as a copywriter/creative director. I've been freelancing for the past 10 years, so the work-at-home thing is not new, although the part-time thing is
• I also write, both fiction and non-fiction, and that is really my passion
• And I love being outdoors...hiking, camping, snowboarding, etc... ("me time")
• And then, there is the normal, keep-life-running kind of stuff that everyone has to deal with (chores, dinner, housecleaning, etc.)

Why I Work

The first questions I'm always asking myself is, "Why do I work?" Right now, my husband is job hunting, so it's a necessity, but soon he'll be working and we could make it on his salary. And I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom...my work is enjoyable and I'm good at it, but I don't feel any great drive to do it, don't feel like I'm contributing anything great to the world. But...I make a pretty good hourly wage, and me working allows us to do things we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. Plus, my husband wants me to contribute some financially, and I respect that. And part-time feels pretty manageable, so that's the set-up we have, and I think it's working pretty well.

(My husband would also want me to add here that although I THINK I want to be a stay-at-home mom, that would involve cleaning the house and ironing, both of which I hate and am terrible at.)

How I (Try to) Make it All Work

The second thing I'm always asking myself is, "Is this working?" I'm always wondering if I'm doing a good job juggling everything. Overall, I think the answer to that question is, "Yes," but there's no question some things are getting sacrificed along the way. A breakdown of what gets accomplished (and how it gets accomplished) and what gets neglected:

• Kids—My little ones are obviously my priority, and I'm really proud of the fact that while other areas of my life may be neglected, they are not. Weekends are all about them. Weekdays, I spend 6 AM to 9 AM exclusively with them, and then other pockets of time throughout the day (some days more than others, depending on my work schedule/deadlines). I also do their bedtime routine with them every evening except Sunday (date night). Their dad takes care of them while I work (will be his mom once he's working again), with my mom taking over once a week on Wednesdays
• Husband/Marriage—I make spending time with my husband a priority, do not put our marriage last on the list. Our situation is a little unusual in that he's home (probably not for much longer), so we get some time together every day. We almost always spend our evenings together, too. We also have a date night every Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad who babysit, and it's wonderful. I think it was my husband's fear that he would be totally neglected once we had kids...I'm trying hard to make sure that that is not the case
• Work—I've got the best clients in the world, really...they've been so great about the shift from me doing whatever, whenever, to having to have some boundaries so my kid time doesn't get eaten up. I've learned to say no to huge rush projects. To say no in general when I need to in order to keep my "to do" list manageable. To not travel (with rare exceptions). I try really hard not to work on the weekends. I feel like I'm doing good work...the main thing for me though is not to commit to too much...always a struggle, but I've done pretty well so far
• Writing—This is suffering. Actually, I include blogging in this category...my blog is very important to me...the connections it affords and also I see it as a record of my kids' childhood that will be so precious to me and perhaps to them too in the future, so I make time for it, but there's never as much time as I'd like. (I have 3 pages of things I'd like to do in this space and haven't gotten around to.) So blogging is getting some attention, usually after the kids go to bed or during naps on the weekends. But my other writing has totally fallen by the wayside and at some point, I want to correct that. The only time to write would be after the kids are in bed (or naps on weekends), but that's also time I want to spend with my husband, so... Something I've been thinking of doing is making one night a week my writing night...not a lot of time but better than what I've got going now. We'll see.
• "Me Time"—I love being outdoors, and the exercise is good for me. Love yoga too. I go in waves with this...sometimes I'm really good about getting out and getting some exercise, other weeks I just can't stand to be away from my babies. Generally I hike with my dad every Wednesday while my mom babysits, and my husband watches the kids once a week while I go to yoga. Sometimes I get out walking with the kids in the stroller, which is ideal, but it seems like it's always too hot or too cold, and one or both ends up fussy and that's not fun for anyone. Still trying to figure out the best balance here. And then stuff like snowboarding...a couple years ago, the season-pass-holding-on-the-mountain-twice-a-week me could not imagine not wanting to go, but now...I hate the thought of being away from the babies for a day. Snowboarding may just have to wait until they are old enough to be on the mountain, too. Oh and by the way, other "me time" stuff is pretty much nonexistent...reading and getting out with friends being two things I would love to do that just aren't happening right now. Oh and knitting. It would be nice to knit again someday...
• Daily Tasks—Here's where things really break down. Well, not really, because we have a housecleaner that comes once a week (God bless her) and my husband does most of the cooking (have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?) And we do shopping/errands together, so we get things done and spend time with each other and the kids all in one fell swoop with that. But there are chores I'm supposed to get accomplished each week and I am SO BAD about those. So bad. There is just not time and I'm always stressed about these things and they are never done in a timely manner and it drives my husband crazy and I am trying to be better about it but really, if there is a breakdown in the system better it be here than the attention the kids are getting, right?

Bottom Line

I have lots of help, and I prioritize. And I don't get everything done I want to (the things that are suffering the most are my writing and chores). My writing...honestly, I feel like if it takes a backseat for a year or two that's OK. And chores...everything seems to get done eventually. I am feeling really good about how much time I spend with my kids and how good my relationship with my husband is, also that I am doing a good job at work and contributing to my family in that way.

By the way, so excited about the possibility of three kids, but also scared because things are going along pretty smoothly right now...will three put us over the edge?

Once the list of other PAIL posts goes up, I will link to it here. Can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say on this topic!

XOXO

Work-at-Home Moms: Is Home Really the Best Place to Be?

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

So as those of you who follow along know, I work part time from home. I work in advertising (copywriting/creative direction), and have been freelancing for 10 years so everything was all set up by the time the kids came along. (Actually, what I do is more accurately termed "permalancing" [great word, isn't it?], as I have long-term clients I do work for on an ongoing basis, vs having to constantly look for work.)

Anyway, I sooooooooo hugely appreciate being able to work from home, I can't even tell you. The advantages are obvious--no commute time, no getting-presentable-for-the-business-world time, I can pop down and see my kids anytime I want, help out with their care if need be, etc.

But there are some disadvantages too, namely:

• Sometimes it's hard for me and whoever is caring for my children to really see me as "at work" because the boundaries are kind of blurry...sometimes I end up trying to work and care for babies at the same time and it's just not a very efficient way to do things
• Sometimes I feel like my work is never done, especially when I'm with the babies a lot during the day but still have deadlines, end up in my home office late into the evening after the kids have gone to bed
• I get lonely. I used to travel for work (primarily Boston and San Francisco) and would spend time in ad agencies and get my work socialization in there...now that I'm not traveling anymore I can feel really isolated, even though I'm on the phone with people all the time, it's just not the same

Overall, I think the advantages to this setup outweigh the disadvantages. However, I've been thinking about alternatives, maybe even for just a day or two a week. Depending on where we end up (we may be moving soon for my husband's work...stay tuned), if there's something like San Francisco's Makeshift Society--billed as "a clubhouse for creatives" where freelancers come together to work--it might be good for me to do something like that. (BTW, I first learned about Makeshift Society on sfgirlbybay...great design blog...check it out if you're into that sort of thing.) I also heard a promo on NPR the other week about how in the next program they were going to talk about a set-up where freelance moms came together to work and childcare was provided...seriously, what a great idea. But I didn't get to listen to the program and I can't find details about it anywhere.

Love the idea of getting out of the house, being 100% work focused part of the time, having other live creative people around me. Any other work-at-home moms out there feel this way and/or have you actually done it? Would love to hear...

XOXO

Image Credit: Makeshift Society.

Overwhelmed

Hi Everyone!

So I usually try to stay positive, in this space and in life, but let's take a break from that today, shall we?

I am feeling absolutely stretched to the limit, and wondering how anybody makes this working mother thing work. And then I feel ridiculous for complaining because:

A) I'm only working part time (well, 6 hours/day right now...will go down to 4 hours/day once my husband's job situation sorts itself out, which seems to be imminent)

B) I work from home

C) Between my husband and my mom and my mother-in-law, I have lots and lots and lots of help

But, on the other hand, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances right now, including:

• My husband has been traveling for weeks what feels like non-stop...he is exhausted from travel and meetings, I am exhausted from being up all night with the kids, the kids are crankier than normal because they miss him, etc.
• We've been traveling as a family, too...great stuff but traveling with twins is not easy (another week-and-a-half trip is set to start Friday)
• I am sick, sick, sick, and have been for over a week
• Work is really busy, things that require a great deal of mental energy plus some super-accelerated timelines and that's always really stressful
• The kids are teething
• My husband has another meeting Monday in Denver (yay!), but I don't know how I'm going to work Monday...and we have appointments at CCRM in Denver to talk about/start the process of potentially having baby #3 (oh yeah, I'm also trying to decide if 3 kids vs 2 makes sense in the midst of all this), so I can't work Tuesday...and then Thanksgiving...I don't know how I'm going to get any work done next week
• We're kind of in limbo as we may be moving for a new job for my husband, so things aren't really set up the way they are going to be with our house (eg we're putting off buying a new crib so the twins are still rooming together) or my work situation (eventually my mother-in-law will be helping me set times, right now coverage for me working is just kind of cobbled together)
• Etc.

So yeah. Today I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. 

My husband's back tonight and will take the night shift with the kids, so that should help.

And if I could just get rid of this cold...

Am I the only one who feels like they are drowning?

XOXO

Flying Solo

Hi Everyone! Happy (late) Monday! 

(And by the way, thinking of everyone on the East coast dealing with this scary storm...)

My husband's out of town (and will be twice more in the next two weeks), and boy do I miss him...just being around him, of course, but also his help with the kids. I say I'm flying solo, but really I'm not because my mother-in-law is with me and is such a HUGE help. But I won't let her do the baby night shift. And all I can say is I always really appreciate my husband and all he does, but right now even more so, with the babies up last night at 10 PM (both), 1 AM (Luke), 2 AM (Zo), and 5 AM (both), me getting up with them at 6:30 AM, a busier-than-normal workday and today is bank and grocery day so out doing that, and my husband kind of joke-threatening me that if I don't get our daughter a winter jacket he's going to do it (he has great taste in kid's clothes, but I wouldn't put it past him to get something crazy just to make his point about the fact that it's taken me forever to get this [admittedly important] task done).

Anyway, it's almost 10 PM and I'm just now finishing my workday...about to dream feed the babies (with my mother-in-law's help) and who knows what the night will bring but it's OK. I'm the mom. I can handle whatever I need to.

Oh and a couple random tidbits, because that's the kind of mood I'm in:

• Grandma got the kids rubber duckies, and partly so they can play with them, partly because it's time I've started giving them (the kids) a bath in the bathtub upstairs together instead of in the kitchen sink one at a time...they LOVE the rubber duckies (and the bath)...Luke cried when I got him out of the tub tonight...
• Zoe is all about consonants right now...ba ba ba ba ba, ma ma ma ma ma, etc. So cute
• And Luke's special power right now is full-on crawling...amazing
• And they've both got teeth! Also amazing...

Oh, and also, I might be totally off base with this, but I feel like if I was a stay-at-home-mom I could totally handle the kids solo. It's this trying to work from home thing and switching gears and trying to be somewhat available for my clients and not being able to nap when the kids nap because I need to get on a conference call instead...I'm not complaining, I just feel like work just makes this impossible to do on my own (and thankfully I don't have to...)

Anyway, thanks for indulging me in my sleep-deprived mama randomness...

XOXO

Updates, Updates, Updates

Table of Contents:

• Breastfeeding
• Sleeping
• Postpartum
• Work
• Moving

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Today I wanted to update you all on a bunch of stuff I've been writing about over the past few months:

Breastfeeding

Those of you who've been reading a while know breastfeeding has been a real challenge. Also something I'm really committed to doing. In the beginning I wasn't making near enough milk, and it was also very painful. I was breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula.

Then, I went to pumping 8 time/day, still supplementing with formula.

Then, I tried to work back in actual feedings, all the while making sure I was feeding or pumping 8 times/day, including once at 3 AM, also keeping very careful records to make sure each twin got fed the same amount of breast milk. Plus I was taking all sorts of supplements to help with milk production.

And now...well, the supplements have stopped (I hate taking pills, and it's a relief not to have to do so). The record keeping has stopped, which is also a relief. The 8 times/day rule has stopped. And the pumping for the most part has stopped.

These days, I'm feeding whoever's hungry, trying to make it even, supplementing with formula when needed (most feedings). And while formula is still needed, I'm making a lot more milk than I was (I think)...when I pump sometimes I get up to 5 or 6 ounces total (at the very least 2), whereas 4 used to be my absolute max, and there were many, many sessions where I only got half an ounce or less. 

One thing I AM still doing, is a middle-of-the-night feed or pump (setting my alarm for 3 AM to make that happen).

Anyway, the kids are still getting breastfed, but in a much more relaxed way. It feels right to us. It finally feels natural, after sooooooooo much effort. I'm just kind of letting it be what it will be at this point, vs trying to force my body to do what I want it to do.

Sleeping

Ah, sleep. Still elusive, although my husband is doing a lot of the night shift, which helps tremendously (thanks, Jeff!). Still, I'm in a perpetual state of tiredness...part of being a new mom, though, you know?

We're trying to figure out a nap/bedtime routine, and right now here's where we're at:

Waking 7 AMish plus or minus.

Trying for a short nap around 9 AM (may or may not happen).

Trying for another nap around 1 PM (may or may not happen).

Bedtime routine starting around 6 PMish (having this routine has been so great...kids usually go right to sleep): bath, feed, story, talking about all the things we're grateful for in our day, bed by 7 PMish.

"Dream feed" around 10 PM.

Kids are up once or twice each during the night to eat.

I've been experimenting with taking one of the kids to bed with me, either when I go to bed, or when one wakes up and needs to be fed. (My husband watches the other one through the night.) Jury's still out on how that's going. I'm more rested without doing it and instead letting my husband take the night shift with both kids. But I like that individual time with each kid. We'll see how it all pans out.

Postpartum

After losing a TON of weight the first 6 weeks after the kids were born, the rest of the weight I have to lose is coming off sooooooo slowly. I'm walking with the kids, hiking once a week, going to yoga once or twice a week, eating well...I am losing weight but just at a glacial pace. I am still having the occasional treat and could cut that out, and I guess I could eat smaller portions, and maybe go on longer walks with the kids, but I'm already doing a lot/doing the right things and it's frustrating to be losing the weight so slowly. I'm still 12 lbs from my 140 lb goal.

I hesitate to blame it on breastfeeding, but I've heard it can be hard to lose the last 10 lbs while breastfeeding.

In other postpartum news, my linea negra is almost gone, I am losing tons and tons of hair (annoying...it's all over me and the babies), and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to wear a bikini again, but reserving judgement on that until I lose the rest of the weight (fingers crossed!) I'm getting a lot stronger and in a lot better shape. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my Achilles tendons were hurting a lot after the babies were born, and they seem to be getting back to normal. Also the bruising on my feet I had at the end of my pregnancy seems to be going away.

Work

Work's going pretty well. Working from home is such a blessing. The eventual goal is for me to work 4 hours/day, but right now I'm doing more like 5 or 6 to make ends meet while my husband is job hunting. I've tried lots of different things, and still experimenting, but what seems to be working is me getting up early with the babies and letting my husband sleep after the night shift, handing babies over to him at 11 or so and then working in the afternoon, with breaks for breastfeeding as needed. Occasionally I'll work with a baby in my lap, but I can generally concentrate much better if I go alone to my home office and close the door.

Moving

My husband's still job hunting, but it's going well. We should hear back soon about Virginia (DC area), and he's got an interview this week for a job in Albuquerque (which I am inordinately excited about. Don't know why I'm so excited about Albuquerque, except it's in the West [I would love to stay in the West], is a day's drive from my family, it's pretty cheap to live there, and, I don't know, there's something really beautiful and cool about New Mexico.) There's a possible job in Seattle that's come up (if I have to leave Colorado, I would love, love, love to be in Seattle), and a few things in Denver. The job in LA that my husband was interviewing for doesn't look like it's going to happen. LA would have been great, but it's so expensive...

So basically, everything's still up in the air, with the most likely moves at this juncture Viriginia or Albuquerque. For now I'm just trying to enjoy every day we have here, and spend as much time as I can with my parents, and not worry about the future because we have no idea what's going to happen.

So that's the udpate. All's well, still trying to figure a number of things out, just taking everything day by day.

XOXO

First Week Back at Work After Maternity Leave (Including Some Thoughts on Attachment Parenting and the Mortgage Crisis)

Hi Everyone!

So last week was my first week back at work after three months of maternity leave, and, all in all, it wasn't that bad. I've been freelancing (advertising copywriting/creative direction, mostly in the digital arena) for 10 years now, and although I used to travel quite a bit for work, I can do what I'm doing from home. The goal moving forward is for me to work part time, so I still have lots of time with the kids. 

Eventually, my mother-in-law is going to help us with the kids while I work (she'll move where we move), but right now I'm patching things together with help from my husband (although he's with the kids all night, so I need to let him sleep some during the day), my mom (thanks, Mom!) and having the babies with me. Some thoughts on how things are going:

• The Sunday before I went back I didn't sleep, as I was so nervous about not being with the kids 24/7, but like with most everything, my fears were unfounded
• I feel like I'm working all day, as I try to squeeze little bits of work in when the kids are napping or happily hanging out
• The big challenge is conference calls, especially those where I need to be taking a lot of notes or when I am leading the call. My full attention must be on the call in these instances, so I need to have backup for the kids
• Some conference calls I do are more listening calls, and those seem doable with a kid on my lap or nursing
• Writing, especially things that take a lot of thinking but not many words, also seems doable with a kid on my lap
• The way I work...a lot of times I read things out loud to see if I need to make adjustments, and when that happens I'll read to the kids like it's a story, even though it's some sort of corporate messaging 
• I am soooooooo glad I get to work from home...so incredibly thankful. At the same time, I so wish I could just be with the kids, but me working part time makes so much financial sense...hard to let it go. We're going to make it work. It's going to be just fine 

And in related news, of course I end up reading Dr. Sears' book about attachment parenting just as I'm returning to work. (I read whatever baby books are given to me, so my reading list is very random vs things I've sought out.)

I have to say, the whole attachment parenting thing is really resonating with me. It is also hugely guilt inducing for someone with twins. Attachment parenting in a nutshell as far as I can tell means having your baby with you 24/7 (when not directly interacting wearing in a sling or sleeping with your baby)...even taking work out of the equation, that's absolutely impossible with twins. And when you add work in...as much as I'm trying to have one or the other twin on my lap...I can't live up to the ideal, no way.

Also related...we had a realtor stop by today to talk about the possibility of selling our house (still haven't completely given up hope of staying in the area, but there just aren't that many jobs here for my husband, and it's an important piece of the puzzle to have him working).

Anyway, we bought in 2007 at the top of the market, and five years later all the money we have into the house is gone. And honestly, I knew the mortgage crisis was going on around me, and friends have been affected, but I guess I've been in denial about this up until now. We can't sell our house without a huge loss, which makes no sense. So we'll keep it and rent it. Which means we probably can't buy another one, which makes me sad, although in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal...everyone I care about is healthy and happy and that's all that matters. But I also feel like...I've worked really hard, gone to school, paid my bills, saved money, pretty much done everything right and what do I have to show for it? A house where our BIG down payment has just *poof* disappeared...I mean, maybe I would have been better off not working so hard. And/or blowing all that money on, I don't know, traveling around the world or something. The American Dream right now is just kind of feeling like a big fat lie.

Anyway, in sum:

• Work: Not so bad
• Attachment parenting: Like it in theory, but how the heck are you supposed to make it work with twins and a part-time stay-at-home job?
• The fact that our house is worth a ridiculously low number: Sucks and makes me not want to try, especially since I'm already ambivalent about going back to work. Why work if all you earn just disappears?

Thoughts?

XOXO

Some Thoughts on Maternity Leave, and Going Back to Work

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I have two weeks left of a three-month maternity leave, and I have to say I am so incredibly glad I have had this time. Would love to take more--actually would love more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom--but my husband and I have decided that it makes financial sense for me to work at least a little. And I am so, so lucky, in that I am going to be working part time, not full time, and from home, which cuts out the time that would otherwise be needed away from the kids to get dressed for work, commute, etc.

I have really needed these three months to 1) recover physically from the birth (it was only a week or so ago that I finally stopped bleeding), and 2) figure out how to function with these little guys.

Some things that have gotten ironed out include:

• Getting over the terrible anxiety I had during the first weeks. I still have it a little, but it's about 90% gone, maybe because of hormonal shifts, maybe because the babies are still around and alive (none of the horrible things I was thinking have come true), maybe because I've figured out some tricks to get those thoughts out of my head
• Breastfeeding. I've never had enough milk for my babies, and breastfeeding was extremely painful in the beginning. I went from trying to breastfeed exclusively (only lasted a couple days), to breastfeeding-formula feeding-pumping (the breastfeeding part was painful and the whole routine so time consuming), to pumping 8 times/day and bottle feeding, which worked pretty well, but about a month ago I started getting so sick of the pump. So with the help of the lactation nurses I have started breastfeeding again. Now I pump once or twice a day and breastfeed the rest of the time (still supplementing with bottles of formula as needed). The pain I had with breastfeeding is gone...I think from my nipples toughening up and also me and the babies learning better what to do. I've even managed to tandem breastfeed a couple of times, although that is not the norm. And, I actually think my milk supply is increasing. I have a cousin who also had a hard time breastfeeding, and she said her milk supply increased dramatically around 3 months...hoping that's what's happening to me. I still have some sadness about how breastfeeding's turned out, but I'm doing the best I can...
• Sleep. At first we were up 24/7 with these little guys, as they were not getting enough to eat and cried constantly (just lasted a couple of days). Then both my husband and I got up for every single meal, and were absolutely exhausted (and short-tempered to boot...we barely ever fight and there were some testy days and weeks in there...). Now we've settled into a routine where he takes the night shift and I the morning shift, and that is working great
• Normal life. The first month or so we didn't take the twins anywhere, and after that at first everything--going for a walk in the stroller, taking them to my parent's house, going grocery shopping, etc--was intimidating. Now that we've done them and know how it works, these sorts of things and more are routine
• Chores (eg going to the bank, washing the dogs, taking care of paperwork, laundry, etc). At first, nothing got done. Now we have tasks for each weekday (weekends off), so things get accomplished, and also we don't feel overwhelmed by all there is to do...we just do what we need to for that day, which is manageable
• Meals. At first, friends and neighbors brought us meals, which was so incredibly helpful. Then, we had a hard time because we couldn't get our act together to go to the store (enter lots of fast food, which I normally don't eat). Now, we shop with the kids every Monday, make a menu and are eating really heathly (meats on the BBQ, lots of veggies, no desserts). My husband does most of the cooking (he's so great at it, and loves doing it), with me helping with prep and side dishes...

So, what do things look like moving forward?

I'm a little scared about going back to work, because I already feel like there aren't enough hours in the day (time to blog, for instance, is hard to come by). But because my husband is job hunting, he's going to be able to take care of the kids while I work, which will make for a nice transition. (And once he goes back to work, my mother-in-law is going to move with us to help...such a Godsend.) I'm hoping I can still nurse on demand some, as my schedule will be flexible except for conference calls. And I would love it if I could have one of the kids with me...maybe in a wrap while I type up documents or talk on the phone...or maybe laying in my lap dozing, as both kids are doing right now.

It's going to be interesting to see how it all works out. And who knows, I might enjoy the intellectual challenge of working again, and I think it's going to be nice to have some more contact with the outside world. 

Trying not to focus on how sad I am that I won't be around the kids all day, and instead look at ways I can incorporate them into my workday, and remember to be so, so grateful to be working an abbreviated schedule at home.

XOXO

"You Are Not Alone"

Interesting work conversation yesterday (I work in advertising, for those of you who don't know):

Work colleague: "Do you know what research shows is the email subject line that gets the most people to open and read the email?"

Me: "It's probably got the word 'free' in in somewhere." (So cynical. Ugh.)

Work colleague: " No. It's: 'You Are Not Alone.'"

I totally buy it, too. Isn't that all any of us ever want to hear?

XOXO

"Youthful Wonder"

Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...

A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"

"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow." 

Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?

All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...

Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)

Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?

I miss it...

XO

Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.

When Work's Going to Be Taking a Backseat, Is the Best Thing to Do to Just Plod Along? (Or, Should I Try to Have Twins and My Dream Job, Too?)

I'm sure work and motherhood is a topic that's going to come up more than once here. Let's start the conversation today, shall we?

Here's the situation I find myself in. I have a good job and a good career doing something that...well...it's not my big passion in life, let's put it that way. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, either. But in a lot of ways I feel trapped, because I'm really good at what I do, it's stable, I make good money, I freelance so I have a LOT of flexibility that I wouldn't otherwise have at an office job (make my own hours, can travel when I want to, don't have to commute, can take whatever time off I want, etc.)...in short, there are a lot of adantages. But I am also tired of it, and I work in a field (advertising) where the burnout rate is really high, and I am feeling the burnout big-time.

If kids weren't in the picture, I do think I would try to do something else. But there ARE kids in the picture, and the reality is they are going to be my big focus for the next few years at least, and while my husband and I have decided it doesn't really make sense for me to quit working entirely, we are going to have my job and career take a backseat to everything else. This means not climbing the corporate ladder. It means working part-time after the babies are born. It means (I think) now is not the time for a career change. (Not that I even know what I would want to change my career TO...I think that's another factor. If I had a clear dream job I wanted to pursue, maybe I'd be thinking about all this differently.)

I don't think I can handle a career change and two new babies at once. I know in this day and age we are all supposed to be super women, but I just am not, and I feel like I'm letting womankind down admitting it, but I don't want to try and be a super star in every aspect of my life all at the same time...that just sounds exhausting. (And by the way, no offense here to ANYONE who is making different choices than me...I hugely respect that everyone is different and everyone needs to make their own decisions in matters like this. I'm not trying to talk anyone into anything...just trying to relay how it is for me.)

I do feel so burnt out, though. Like how can I keep doing this for years and years more? Work just feels like it's eating up almost all of my mental and emotional energy. I need a break. I don't know...maybe I should schedule some time off. (Although I've been thinking I should work hard up until my maternity leave, since people are going to have to cover for me then.) 

Just feeling really stuck. Not excited about doing this work for the next, say, 5 years, but don't really see a good alternative.

Maybe it's just being at the end of a particularly greuling week, and I'll feel better after the weekend. 

Just don't know what the right thing is to do...

I'm worried I'm just giving up in a way. We're supposed to strive to have the best, most satifying of everything in every aspect of our lives, right? Or is that totally unrealistic?

Thanks for listening and chiming in...

XOXO

Announcing Your Pregnancy

So as I get close to the end of the first trimester, I've started to think about when/how/if I'll be announcing my pregnancy. There's kind of two parts to this: work people, and social people.

Let's start with the social people, aka, friends and family. I've lived all over the place (Colorado, Seattle [twice], Austin, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Boston [kind of...I had an apartment there for a couple years but also had an apartment in San Francisco so was never there full-time].) I tend to keep in touch with people...not everyone, but I really make an effort. The result is I have friends all over the country, whom I talk to with varying degrees of frequency.

I've been pretty open about my fertility struggles and all the interventions we've had, and also about this pregnancy when I see people or talk to/text/email them. If I talk with my friends, I tell them. I know a lot of people think you should keep the news to yourself until after the first trimester, and I did that to some extent when I was pregnant last spring, but then I had a miscarriage and I found myself telling people about the pregnancy after the fact so I could tell them about the miscarriage, and then it hit me, if you're going to tell people if you miscarry, why not tell them you are pregnant? So that's what I've done this time around. (I told a lot of people about the miscarriage because I'm just not one of those people who when friends ask "How are you?" I can just say "Fine," and change the subject. I have this urge to talk about what's going on, good or bad.)

So a lot of people already know about my pregnancy. But what about those who don't? Just because I haven't talked with someone in the past few months doesn't mean I don't consider them extremely close friends. My college roommate, for example, we go months without talking, but he's one of the few people in this world I could call anytime day or night and he'd be there for me, no matter what I needed. Anyway, do I call all these people up? (Which honestly sounds exhausting in my sickly/tired first trimester state.) Send out a mass email? (Ugh...seems so impersonal.) Post something on Facebook? (We all know how hurtful that can be to people struggling with fertility in one way or another...not sure I want to go there.)

And then, there's work. I freelance for four different companies--A, B, C and D. 

Company A, the women I work with are some of my closets friends and they know all the gory details...in fact the owner of this company went with me for my transfer/took care of me on bed rest for my IVF last January (she lives in Denver where my clinic is and my husband couldn't be with me because of school.) 

Company B is in Boston, and they know about and are cool with my pregnancy...usually when I do work for them I fly to Boston, but we're going to do some work with me in Colorado this fall, as I'm not comfortable traveling and they are being lovely and accommodating. The people who run this company are also in the friend category

Company C, the woman who runs it is this high-powered career woman who I admire greatly. She has one child (now grown) and when I told her I was doing IVF she said, "You know I love my daughter, but if I could do it again (have children), I wouldn't do it. I would tell you not to do it." She's the only person who has tried to talk me out of having kids. And yeah, I'm nervous to tell her I'm pregnant. I think she pictures me as more dedicated to my career than I really am, (I have been really dedicated in the past), but I really do want to dial back career-wise and I know she'll be respectful of that, but that's not her wish for me, you know? 

Company D is the company I do the most work for, and although I'm friendly with the people there, they are definitely professional (not friend) relationships. I've told my boss there about my pregnancy and she's told her boss...both have been extremely supportive and are good with me taking a 3 month maternity leave and then coming back, which is great. But there are about 20 people I interact with in this company on a regular basis that don't know...

In terms of work, I'm feeling a lot of hesitation telling the people who don't already know. It's weird, I thought I'd get to this point and be so excited about spreading the news, but I'm finding I'm wanting to keep it to myself for a little while longer. I'm not sure why...if I'm still scared something is going to happen? (Because as many people as I told about my miscarriage after the fact, I'm glad I didn't HAVE to tell people, you know?)

I think another factor might be I'm not sure how much I want to tell people. When I was pregnant with just one baby and told people, everyone just said, "Congratulations" and moved on. When I tell people I'm pregnant with twins I get: "Do they run in your family?" (Yes, as a matter of fact, they do.) And then I've kind of been feeling compelled to tell people I had IVF done as well. But, I don't know, I'm not sure I want to tell everyone in the world about the IVF part...can I just (truthfully) say yes to the run-in-your-family question and leave it at that?

Anyway...

What would you all do/have you done?

With telling friends?

With telling people you work with?

With telling people about fertility treatments?

Your thoughts/input are greatly appreciated!

XOXO

Tasks for a Rainy Day

My irises are blooming this week...aren't they lovely? We've had so many flowers this spring...A rainy Wednesday...we've had such a wet spring...but a good time to stay indoors and: 

1) Work--work is crazy right now...and we're traveling to Las Vegas Sunday for the week to see my mother-in-law, so trying to get ahead so I can have some fun while I'm there...

2) Schedule medical appointments--feeling much more on top of things than I was yesterday. Have pretty much everything I need done scheduled. My husband and I are driving to Denver and back Friday for testing (4 1/2 hours each way...bummer we have to do that). Oh, and by the way, the HSC I'm having done is the painful test I was afraid I was going to have to do, but I asked my nurse what they could do to help and they're going to give me a valium. My mom said ask for what you need, and I did, and I'm glad...thanks, Mom! :)

3) Schedule summer plans--we're going to be traveling an incredible amount between now and my FET...this is kind of my normal state of being (I can work from anywhere, which makes this possible) and it's WONDERFUL in that I'm going to get to go to so many places I love and see so many people I love, but on the other hand I'll be working and it's a little bit harder to work on the road, and a little hard for me to be away from home in general. I love to travel, and given a chance I will schedule trips like crazy, but I also love being at home and miss it when I'm gone.

Not TOO many logistics to plan, because a lot of this we're doing as road trips and staying with friends and/or camping, but there are still little details. And big details, like I'm going to need blood drawn and labs on the road, and have to figure out how to accomplish that.

Where we're going between now and July 22:

• Denver (just for the day, so not sure this even really counts)
• Las Vegas to visit my mother-in-law
• Colorado mountains to visit my brother
• Utah hiking and camping with my dad
• Humboldt County CA, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver, seeing a TON of friends
• Santa Barbara for a fabulous wedding, and to see more friends
• Denver for the transfer...yay!

It's going to be fun.

Feeling better and more organized as all the medical/travel logistics fall into place.

Hope everyone's having a good Wednesday. :)

XO

FAQ Fridays: My Freelance Career

Remember the tangerine iBook? This is the computer I started my freelance career on. Loved that thing.

Q: What do you do for work?

A: I do freelance work in advertising as a copywriter/Creative Director.

Q: What does that mean, exactly? 

A: I come up with the ideas for advertising campaigns/digital media, and/or do the writing needed to implement them.

Q: Do you come up with the ideas yourself?

A: No, I work as a team with an Art Director. 

Q: Where do you work?

A: Generally out of my house, although sometimes I'll travel to be at an agency on-site or for some other reason (conventions, etc.).

Q: Is it hard to find clients?

A: I have been extraordinarily lucky and tend to have just a few steady clients at a time, working with them for years. Right now I'm working with 5 groups (out of San Francisco, Silicon Valley, San Diego, Denver, and Boston).

Q: How did you get this gig?

A: I worked at a REALLY good advertising agency in San Francisco (and that part was pure luck...I honestly would've gone to any agency that would have hired me...but ended up at one of the best in the country). I got trained by some amazing people, and made a ton of contacts. I've been freelancing almost 10 years now, and every single job I've had has come from those contacts in one way or another.

Q: So because you freelance does that mean you work weird hours and stuff?

A: Actually, I may sneak out for an hour or two here and there, but I'm pretty much a 9–5 Monday-Friday girl.

Q: Do you get lonely working at home? 

A: A little. More so over the past year or two than I used to.

Q: What's your favorite thing about what you do? 

A: I love the freedom. I work with a lot of people that are friends on a personal level and that's cool. I love making something cool. And I do work sometimes on websites or other programs that help people with a specific health condition (eg cancer) get the information they need to take better care of themselves....that work is really gratifying.

Q: What's the hardest thing about what you do?

A: For me it's been keeping my hours under control. For years I worked way over 40 hour weeks, partly because I have a hard time saying no, and partly because I was always scared the job I was being offered would be the last one. I don't have that fear so much anymore, which has helped me get on a more reasonable schedule.  Plus my husband doesn't want to be married to a workaholic, so he's helped me reign in my hours, as well.

Q: What would you do if you weren't doing this?

A: If I were to take a full-time job in advertising, it would be as a Creative Director at an ad agency (and I know just where I'd want to go). I also have dreams of leaving advertising altogether to run a flower shop or a funky little motel or a coffee shop. I'd also love to figure out a way to get someone to pay me to snowboard and/or make creative stuff all day. Sigh. A girl can dream...

Oh, and also once we have a kid or two, I don't want to stop working entirely, but I want to cut way back. My husband's going to be done with school, too, in a year, which'll help make that a reality.

Q: What advice would you give to someone who wanted to do what you do?

A: I'm sure there are lots of ways to get into this line of work, but all I know is the path I followed: Work hard, get trained at the best agency you can find, do a good job, go out of your way to cultivate relationships...keep everyone's contact information and don't be afraid to call on these people for help. And that goes both ways...help anyone who asks it of you.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)

XO

Image Credit: {Damian Ward}

Writing/Creativity: Check Out This Post

Today I want to link y’all out to a blog post by Austin Kleon (discovered via {this post})--entitled “How to Steal Like and Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me).” You can access his post/presentation by clicking {here}.

A couple things really stood out for me:

First, he talks about "writing the book you want to read/writing what you LIKE" (vs what you KNOW, which is what all writers are told at one point or another). (And if you paint or make music or blog, etc, substitute the correct verb for those activities…it applies just the same.)

Right now and I think a lot this summer, I’m working/going to be working on this weird little collection of non-fiction stories from the seven years I lived in San Francisco (1996-2003). This is exactly what I’m doing with these stories. It’s a book I wish I could find and devour. I’m also not liking reading fiction much these days, although I keep thinking of going back to it in my writing. But I really want to read and write nonfiction at the moment, so I should probably just go with that vs fighting it. And I keep worrying about how I’m writing about San Francisco, because it's a kind of experimental form, the structure's weird (read: not as commercially viable as it would be if I were writing it straight). But I like reading things like what I’m writing, things that don't necessarily follow the normal linear model. And it’s how this book wants to be written, so…

Love this quote:

“The best way to find the work you should be doing is to think about the work you want to see done that isn’t being done, and then go do it.”

The other thing that really resonated with me was Mr. Kleon’s stating that "creativity is subtraction."

“It’s often what an artist chooses to leave out that makes the art interesting. What isn’t shown vs what is.”

Again with my San Francisco stories, I’m leaving a lot out. They’re very short and spare, ask people to work hard reading between the lines. I’ve been wondering if that’s a good strategy. It’s nice to hear from someone that leaving things out is a viable, even desirable option. (Not that I need someone to tell me how to write this book. It's just nice to have some external validation every once in a while, you know?)

Anyway, hope y'all enjoy!

XO

Oh, and PS, his slides are AWESOME…light on text, lots of pictures, used to get across the big idea, vs the PowerPoint slides you often see, with tiny text and tons of bullets…the worst. I do slide presentations for work sometimes and my philosophy (nicely illustrated by Mr. Kleon’s slides) has been hugely influenced by a book called {Presentation Zen}. If you do presentations, I highly recommend checking it out.

Image credit: {Austin Kleon}.

Genetic Testing: The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Really, how can you be sad when you come across cute little dogs in the nursery?

As most of you know, two weeks ago we found out that my pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. A phone conversation with my RE's office about an hour later:

Me: "What do you guys need from my local OB?"

Them: "The notes in your chart. The ultrasound. And if you can get genetic testing done, we want the results."

So the next day when I went in for the D&C, I had a list for my OB of what my RE wanted, including genetic testing if possible. 

We got the bill for genetic testing yesterday. Almost $3,000.00. Crap.

So here's the deal: I take responsibility for not asking why they needed genetic testing done and/or asking how much it would cost. But come on, I was grieving heavily, how can I be expected to think this through and ask all the right questions at a time like that? I don't understand why genetic testing was necessary. This was my first miscarriage. I don't even want to know the answers to genetic testing. I think it's going to make all this hurt worse to know if it's a boy or a girl. And if there was a genetic abnormality, I think that will be comforting in a way, because then the miscarriage was "nature's way of taking care of things." But if the baby was perfectly normal, what does that mean? I think it's going to make me scared to try again. I don't know, maybe there's a good reason to have genetic testing done that I'm missing, but right now I'm just pissed about the cost, and that I wasn't asked if I wanted to do it, I was just told to get it done if I could. 

And then I start thinking about how we're going to pay for it (if insurance doesn't cover it, which I'm praying they will). I can work more hours to get the money, but I'm so sick of working like crazy to get money to do fertility treatments that fail. And this is on top of all the other bills for this pregnancy (meeting my insurance's high deductible, all the blood draws for my RE that aren't covered by insurance), and we also need to get the money together for the FET this summer. Ugh. We can do it, but there is so much more I'd rather spend the money on (plus I don't want to work the extra hours needed to get the money).

And then I start thinking about how hard fertility treatments are to go through and how scared I am of our next round of this not working and what happens if in the end we can never have a family...ugh...just going to the darkest place imaginable.

And THEN, I have been having a terrible time working. I'm just now getting to the end of Monday's "TO DO" list on Tuesday afternoon. One of the things I do for work is put together websites, and we have a big presentation tomorrow and a website that doesn't have a headline...I called my Art Director (who's also a close friend) in tears earlier, I was so frustrated with my inability to write anything remotely usable. She talked me off the ledge and sent me thinking in a different direction and I finally, finally got it done. And then my mom brought me lunch and listened to me talk about my fears and took me to the nursery to buy some flowers for my garden this summer. This is all after my husband had me crawl back in bed with him early this morning and held me while I cried.

So the point of this long, rambling post is: I am just barely holding on, and something like a genetic testing bill can totally send me over the edge. But there are people to pull me back. And what do you do but tell the people you need that you need them, and then just try to keep soldiering on?

XO