Baby Number Three?

Note: This post was written as part of PAIL Bloggers July 2012 Monthly Theme Post. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I wrote anything infertility-related. (I think I'm trying to block it out. Seriously.) But I wanted to participate in this month's PAIL theme post. And so, some thoughts on family planning, in FAQ format:

Have you completed your family building or are you considering trying to add another child to your family?

I definitely want one more child, and I think my husband is on board, although we will not officially decide until next spring.

Pros: I love our kids so much (we have four-month-old twins)...I see another child as just adding to the love. Being a mom is by far the best thing I've ever done, and I want more of it.

Cons are for the most part about money. Another kid = we'll need more money, and we're doing fine but it's not like there's cash to spare. Also, the logistics of having three children under the age of two (if we try, we're going to try pretty soon) are a little daunting.

What does your “complete” family look like? Has this changed along your infertility journey?

I would have loved to have had a bunch of kids (four? five?), but time is not on my side. I know everyone has a different number in their head about what is "too old" to have kids...my personal number is only two years away. And my husband and I are in agreement that we don't want to have twins again. (The twins are fabulous, mind you...it's mostly the fact that I had a very difficult pregnancy with horrible morning sickness, diabetes, preeclamsia...it just seems safer to have just one next time around. Plus we're in the middle of caring for two four-month-olds at the same time, and that's pretty intense...hard to fathom doing again when you're in the middle of it.)

My infertility has definitely influenced this. I started trying to have children in my 20s, and had I been able to do so then, there would have been time for that bigger family.

Do you think there is such a thing as “optimal” child-spacing? What do you think this is, and what do you base it on?

I kind of like the idea of my kids being close in age. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a bit of a break before having an infant again. But that's an option I don't have, so I don't really think about it.

Are you factoring in how far apart your children would be in your decision to start trying again? How so?

The clock is ticking, so I don't feel I have the luxury of making a choice about child spacing. But I'm OK with that.

If you are planning to add to your family, what considerations must you take into account (i.e. beginning treatment again, pursuing adoption again, finances, etc.)

I've had two surgeries, a cancelled IVF, two fresh IVF cycles ending in chemical pregnancies, a fresh IVF cycle ending in a late miscarriage, and a FET resulting in my twins. There's no question about fresh IVF cycles not being an option AT ALL...we are done as far as money, emotion, travel, time, how hard it all is on my body, etc.

We do, however, have five frozen embryos (or "freezer tots" as my husband calls them), and that's where our hope for one more child lies. FETs aren't terribly expensive, so thankfully money is not a big issue. What are issues are the following:

• The emotional investment, although I'm hoping it will be easier to go through treatment already having kids. Still, deciding you really want one more and then not being able to make that happen would be hard
• Do I want to put my body through all that again?
• There's travel involved to our out-of-state clinic
• As I mentioned, we're not willing to risk twins again, which for us means putting in one embryo at a time, which on each try lowers our chances of success, but we don't see any other option (we're not willing to do selective termination)

Knowing what you know now, what are your emotional considerations in trying for a second (or third, or fourth, etc.)? 

I just have to approach this as though one of those embryos will work (although I know that is not guaranteed). Anything else and I just can't face all the drugs, the travel, the money, what I'm doing to my body, etc. Honestly, the love I feel we have to give to another child makes dealing with all the emotion of this worth it. I've been trying to put the hardness of trying to have children out of my mind, and hope to continue to do that if we try for another...instead of my whole life being invested in the outcome, just try, and make it as minimally disruptive as possible (the process of trying to get pregnant), and hope for the best. I think I'll be in a very different emotional place and hoping, hoping, hoping it'll be easier.

Hope you all are having a lovely Wednesday!

XOXO