Grace in Small Things, April 29, 2013

Hi Everyone.

I have a really hard time writing the date today in the title of this post. (In fact, I've been purposely mis-dating all my work documents today.)

This is the day my little brother was killed.

I had a massive sobbing breakdown last night that I don't even want to talk about. Like I said to my husband, it's like it's actually happening all over again, not something that's in the past, but something that's about to happen and I'm not going to be able to survive it. (I was living with my brother when he died...I'm the one who got the call, who had to go to the ER where he was already dead, who had to call my parents, which was the worst single thing by far I've ever had to do.)

I have a friend who lost a sister suddenly, tragically a couple weeks ago, and she's said to me, "Please tell me this gets better." And it does, and I told her that, there will come a day where your heart isn't breaking every second.

What I don't tell her is that's only because I've figured out how not to think about it, for the most part. When that's not possible (eg anniversary days like today...my brother's birthday's pretty much a guaranteed trigger, too), the intensity of it still is just purely awful, close to unsurvivable (I know I sound melodramatic, but it's the truth), and the truth is I don't know how people survive this. But people do...

Enough. I have to stay OK for this baby inside me. So I want to talk about some things that are good:

1. Last night after crying, I went and sat with my babies, they were asleep, I sat beside their cribs in the dark, reached through the slats and put a hand on their heads...that did make me feel better, truly
2. Such great beta numbers for the little baby inside of me! (Whom we've been calling "Freezy-pants," or "Freezy" for short since we started talking about using one of our frozen embryos to have one more child). 161 8 days after a 5-day transfer, 456 two days later
3. FaceTime with my parents this morning, who are off on an adventure that yesterday involved a snowy Colorado 4WD pass in the middle of nowhere, no one else around, with possibly not enough gas to get them out (although they made it)
4. I'm having some real problems with the health care system in ABQ. One of the big things: For the fertility stuff, I've needed a couple ultrasounds to find out the thickness and pattern of my uterine lining. When I've gone for these ultrasounds the tech has insisted on spending 45 minutes looking at every conceivable thing related to my reproductive system, even though the order clearly states--and I've clearly told them--that that is not wanted or needed. I've been told they won't do anything unless they do the whole thing. Well, I just got an enormous bill for one of these sessions, and I called the hospital and explained to them, and they were VERY helpful and it seems like it is going to be resolved...was glad for the man helping me who seemed to agree that that shouldn't have happened...I was prepared for a battle...
5. Took the kids and met my husband for lunch today, so nice to be able to do that, especially on a day like today...

Hope you all are having a great day.

XOXO