Pregnancy: Week 7

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today! :)

Here's how the past week has gone:

• Nausea. Pretty much 24/7. Although every once in a while there's been a brief respite (and then, of course, I worry that something's wrong with the babies)
• Food aversions...I don't know, right now I feel like I don't want to eat anything. But once I start eating, whatever I'm eating seems to be OK. And I feel better after I eat, so there's that incentive
• My boobs are way bigger and more sensitive
• I got a horrible headache one night, and I almost never get headaches. It was bad enough that I even took some Tylenol, which I've been really scared to do, even though the doctor says it's fine 
• The spotting that went on nonstop for about 2 weeks is finally gone
• Bella bands (which go over your pants and hold them up so you can unbutton them) are so my friend. Just got one yesterday and I am soooooo much more comfortable
• Edging closer to the time when I lost my last baby, and the fear is getting pretty bad. The way I'm dealing with it--not necessarily healthy, I know--is by spending an inordinate amount of time trying to make plans for what I'll do if I lose both babies. It's horrible to be thinking this way, but I guess I'm just trying to protect myself...to plan out a nice life for myself if all goes terribly wrong and we aren't ever able to have children...I don't know, all this just feels so fragile and unreal right now...I'm scared to believe this is actually going to work. Working really hard to stay focused on the positive right now and not let these fears consume me...
• Ultrasound tomorrow...been feeling pretty OK about it until today but now I'm sooooo nervous

Hope everyone has a lovely week.

XOXO

Pregnancy Week 5

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today! Here's what's been going on pregnancy-wise over the past week:

• Well, I'm not going to avoid the nausea. It's back. But it's OK, especially if I can put something in my stomach
• I'm dealing with food aversions like crazy. A couple nights last week all I could stomach was a few crackers and a juice popsicle...nothing else sounded remotely good. I'm finding it really tricky to grocery shop because once I get the food home I don't want to eat it. Very, very little sounds appealing. The only thing I'll consistently eat is cereal (Shredded Wheat or Cheerios) with milk and fruit
• I'm so very tired. Napping almost every day. Sometimes having trouble sleeping at night
• Sore boobs (although not that bad) and a crazy amped up sense of smell
• Lots of brown spotting, especially towards the end of the week, which my clinic swears is nothing to worry about so I'm trying not to worry (but it's hard)
• My belly is so bloated. I can still wear my clothes for the most part, and under clothes you can't really tell, but my belly is already seeming so huge to me compared to what it normally is

I've got my first ultrasound this Wednesday and am getting VERY nervous about it. I'm scared all they are going to find are dead babies. Ugh...being pregnant after miscarrying is HARD. Trying to stay distracted and positive but it's hard. And feeling so pregnant isn't setting my mind at ease, because when I miscarried before I was still having symptoms all over the place. I think I'll feel so much better when Wednesday is over...

Hope everyone has a great week!

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 4

Happy Monday, Everyone!

Wouldn't this penguin wallpaper (above) be adorable in a little kid's room? Love, love, love.

Anyway, wanted to start documenting what's been going on with my pregnancy, week by week. Just finished Week 4 yesterday, and here's what's been happening:

• I am so excited to be pregnant! And it feels unreal, too. It's a little hard to switch my thinking from: "How are we going to make our lives work without a baby?" to: "Holy crap, there's a good chance we're going to end up with a baby! That's going to be a lifestyle change!"
• Dealing with insomnia, but that's kind of par for the course with me
• A little tired, but it seems like last time I was pregnant I was sleeping during the day all the time, and that's not really happening. I did nap more towards the end of the week than in the beginning, so maybe the tiredness is coming 
• I had a couple days of very light spotting early in the week, which in the past would have scared me, but now I know is normal
• Generally feeling great physically. Having more the beginnings of things than anything full-fledged. Twinges of nausea. Definitely a stronger sense of smell. Twinges of my breasts being full and achy. Twinges of food aversions. Etc. I was really, really sick last time I was pregnant...not sure if this pregnancy is going to be different, or if the sickness just hasn't kicked in yet
• Waiting for my first ultrasound (scheduled for 8/17) hasn't been too bad. There's kind of this small underlying current of fear knowing that something could go wrong at any time (and, based on my experience last time, I wouldn't even know it), but generally I'm doing OK. I think when it's going to be really hard is Weeks 9, 10, and 11, which is when last time I lost my baby (I lost my baby week 9-ish, but didn't find out until the end of week 11...thought everything was fine up until that point) 

Can't wait to see what Week 5 brings!

XO

Penguin Wallpaper: Isak via Paul & Paula.

So Scared I'm Not Pregnant. And Feeling So Lost...

Woke up feeling really down and defeated this morning, and like I'm making up all these pregnancy symptoms I've been obsessing over all week...like it's all in my head. The worst part is I've been telling my husband about potential symptoms and he's excited...thinks that I'm probably pregnant and what if I'm not? What if I got his hopes up for no reason? Yeah, I'm tired (fell asleep on the couch before dinner last night), and thinking my sense of smell might be more sensitive, and my stomach's upset this morning (probably totally unrelated), but maybe I just want this so bad, I'm seeing symptoms where there aren't any.

I'm also having a total existential crisis (ongoing, but it's reared its ugly head this morning...of course this can't just be about whether I'm pregnant or not...that would be too easy.) I just feel so lost. I have really since my brother's death. What do you do when you've lost your best friend in the world and a whole life that you loved, one where we were young and we lived together and surfed every day and took care of each other and nothing truly bad had ever happened to us?

What does it all mean...you know...life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Why can't I have something good and happy and life-affirming (eg, a baby) happen...why does everything have to be about death and loss and failure?*

The two week wait is awful...just want it to be over...

*My mom would have me add here that there is a lot of good in my life, and it's true. My husband, my family, my friends, money, health (except for this infertility thing), etc. But my brother's death, leaving California, not feeling like I'm doing anything worthwhile in my professional life, and especially right now our repeated failures to have a baby...I'm mean it's just been years of month after month after month of disappointment, plus a heartbreaking miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies that were honestly almost as bad...all this is really taking its toll...

Sorry...trying to be strong and brave...just can't rise to the occasion this morning...

I Feel Like I'm Pregnant...But That Scares Me... (And, of Course, Your Daily Dose of Anything that Could Possibly Be Interpreted as a Pregnancy Symptom)

A friend of mine sent me princess birthday candles last week...we used them on the cake my mom baked for my belated birthday dinner last night...too fun!

Two more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not.

My plan for Sunday is to go to my local blood draw lab early, get my blood drawn, wake up my husband a couple hours later, and then go together to the lab to get the results. (My clinic is out of town and really bad about calling me with results. Can't figure out if the lab is bad about sending them or my clinic is bad about receiving them. Once my clinic didn't even call with my beta results until the NEXT DAY...can you imagine? So I've made friends with everyone at my local lab and they happily hand over my results. Much less stressful than sitting by the phone all day waiting for a call that may not even come.)

Overall, I just kind of have this gut feeling that I'm pregnant. Which is great. Except when I HAVE been pregnant, I've been convinced that I'm not, so maybe it's a bad sign that I think that I am? Ah, the convoluted thinking that goes along with an IVF cycle...

As far as symptoms:

• Up twice last night to get a drink of water...yeah, definitely thirsty
• My husband says he thinks my boobs are bigger (although I'm not sure I agree)...but they do have really visible blue veins running underneath the surface, which I read somewhere is a pregnancy symptom, and I had this during the two week wait last cycle when I was pregnant. I'm also trying to decide if my boobs are starting to get more sensitive...maybe...but it's kind of hard to say...
• Again with the heavy feeling in my lower belly...like I'm going to get my period but I felt this when I was pregnant before (and it upset me because I was convinced that my cycle didn't work...but then it turned out that it had...)
• I keep waiting for some sort of implantation spotting, but there hasn't been any. You can be pregnant without implantation spotting, right?

I'll be blogging over the weekend...tomorrow with a symptom report and Sunday with my beta results. Cross your fingers for me!

XOXO

Image Credit: Target.

Living in the Moment (And the Ongoing 2WW Symptom Watch)

The roses in my garden are so beautiful this morning...

Hi and Happy Thursday!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who left comments and emailed me yesterday gently suggesting that I should try to live in the moment vs obsess about what I'll do if I'm not pregnant this cycle (especially since I've already got clear plans for our next step--another FET ASAP.) It was JUST what I needed to hear, and I have been/am planning a bunch of little things to keep me in the here-and-now...from last night's little retail therapy session (my new aviator sunglasses look so cool, and I can wear them even if I'm pregnant and huge), to washing and brushing our two dogs, to working on the purple-and-black-and-white 70s poncho I'm knitting (I'm having a total hippie/bohemian moment as far as clothes go lately), to a birthday dinner at my parents tonight, to getting some belated and about-to-happen wedding and birthday cards/gifts out to my friends, to sitting in rocking chairs in the shade with my husband playing a game of cribbage, etc. Doing all this stuff is good...it's helping me to feel better.

And, as far as things that could possibly be considered pregnancy symptoms:

• I've been tired (although my insomnia's back, so not sure if there's anything valid there) 
• And hungry
• And thirsty (had to get up in the middle of the night last night for a glass of water)
• Oh, and yesterday I was craving a burrito for lunch, and I clearly remember having a week or two when I was newly pregnant last time when all I wanted to eat was burritos
• Also little stomach cramps on and off yesterday
• And...I don't really know how to describe this...kind of an achy feeling in my belly...like you get when you're about to get your period, but I also remember having this feeling before when I was pregnant (although it could mean my period is on its way...who knows?)

Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta.

XO

What I'm Reading (And the Obsessive 2WW Symptom Watch)

I've read some really good books lately, after not being able to get into much of anything all spring. Here's what I've recently been reading (or in some cases, trying to read):

• Go Tell it on the Mountain, James Baldwin. The writing here is just spectacular. And the way the story was put together...sublime. It's about a black boy in Harlem in the early part of last century, flashing back to other adult family members and how they got to be where they got to be. It's also strongly about religion, a theme which I'm not that interested in, but again...the writing was so incredible...once I was done I wanted to start again right away.
• Half a Life, Darin Strauss. This is a memoir by a man who killed one of his classmates in an accident while he was in high school. It's a quick read...I was done within twenty-four hours. Again, incredible writing, and a really interesting construction, with snippets related to the accident told in chronological order but no real narrative like you generally think of books having. It absolutely works, though. This was incredibly sad but incredibly moving to read. The author is so incredibly honest, that's what I love most. It also gave me a solid idea of how to change the ending to something of my own I've written, where I've never really felt like the ending was quite right.
• The Collected Stores of F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read this book the summer after my Freshman year in college, when I was on the East coast living with a huge Italian family in New Jersey (one of my friends in the dorm had brought me home with her). A great summer, but talk about a culture shock! Loved the writing and the stories then, but could only get about halfway through this time...funny how things you read touch you differently at different points in your life...I think the characters just feel a little too young and frivilous to me now. One thing I thought was really funny...you know how everyone is saying with the Internet and cable and social media and video games kids/teenagers/young adults these days have no attention span? Well, Fitzgerald was saying the exact same thing about the youth of the 1920s...
• Elvis and Me, Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. I love Elvis. I spent a lot of time with my dad's parents growing up and my Grandpa played Elvis for me all the time, so it's such a nostalgic thing for me. This book read like a long US Weekly article...fun! Priscilla was so young when she met Elvis (she was 14, he in his early 20s, I believe). And he had such old-fashioned Southern ideas about a woman's place...that the world revolved around the man and the woman needed to do as she was told. My late father-in-law, whom I adored, by the way, had the same outlook on life...how my progressive, let's-do-everything-together-I-don't-mind-splitting-things-50/50 husband came out of that household, I'll never know
• Letters of E.B. White. These letters are lovely. This is a glimpse into a literary life, and a very egalitarian marriage. I'm only about halfway through...it's a very slow and quite book...I think I'll keep it on my bedside table and read a few letters at a time until I'm finished.

Anyone have any reading recommendations for my next stack of books?

And in other news, since I've decided to embrace obsessing about pregnancy symptoms, here's today's report:

• Oh, Lord, it was hard to get out of bed this morning. So tired. I got a pretty good night's sleep, too. Tired all day, actually, napping again this afternoon...
• Also so thirsty upon waking...but that could easily have been due to the huge hamburger my husband made me for dinner last night... 
• I have kind of this calm feeling that I'm pregnant...with this little undercurrent of knowing that it's certainly possible that I'm not...and I don't want to find out that I'm not...ugh, I am so incredibly tired of dealing with disappointment...

Hope everyone has a lovely Tuesday! :)

XOXO