Chickens and Eggs

Happy Monday, Everyone!

My mom gave me eggs over the weekend, something she does on a regular basis. The eggs come from a friend of hers who has chickens. My dad and I were in the friend's neighborhood last summer, and we stopped by. Happy chickens running around a big grassy yard (with some big friendly dogs keeping them company). The eggs are so yummy, and they've got to be so good for you, and I love that the chickens have a good life (I'm a total softie for animals. I really should be a vegetarian.)

I grew up on a farm with chickens...they got shipped overnight as day-old chicks in a big cardboard box, and the post office would call my mom and say, "Can you please come pick up your package? The peeping is driving us CRAZY!" The babies would live in the kitchen, fenced in by walls of cardboard, with orange-red glowing heat lamps to keep them warm, until they were big enough to go to the chicken coop. Nothing's cuter than a fluffy pale yellow chick.

Anyway, I'm really cranky today/woke up on the wrong side of the bed (not sure why...probably has something to do with working a lot over the weekend), and trying to focus on the good things in my life. Eggs from these chickens--and remembering baby chicks--make me happy. 

XO

D&C Today

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.

First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."

I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.

I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.

I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.

Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.

My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart. 

Friends and family have been wonderful.

I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).

I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.

Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.

And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).

Why why why why why why why????