Due Date
I should have known something was wrong when I started getting upset this morning for no reason. I mean, I have annoying conference calls all the time. And my email suddenly isn't working, but that's no big deal. That's fixable. Like my dad says, if you can throw money at it and fix it, it isn't a problem.
Driving over to my Mom and Dad's for lunch, I started bawling...I mean, not just a few tears, but a full-on breakdown. And then I knew what was wrong.
The baby I miscarried in April, she was supposed to be born right about today.
I try not to think about what happened last spring with the miscarriage, and maybe that's a mistake. Subconsciously, I know. It sneaks up on me. And it hurts so much.
It's days like this I feel like everything I've been through has broken me beyond repair. I just get so scared. I try so hard to have everything be OK and to count my blessings and move forward, but sometimes I just feel like I can't bear all that has been given to me.
But what is there to do, except keep getting up every morning and try?
And I WILL have babies...or I hope that I will. There are two babies growing inside me, but I've been scared, especially these past few weeks, that something is going to happen to them. I'll just start crying about it for no reason, telling my husband I don't think I have the strength to try again if something happens. And I've been having very vivid miscarriage dreams.
Deep breaths. I'm sure everything is going to look better tomorrow.
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Image credit: Fighunt via Etsy.
Grace in Small Things, September 7, 2011
1. My husband is a night owl and doesn't mind (much) if I wake up at 4 AM needing to be talked off the ledge.
2 Had kind of a standard OB appointment this AM...no exam, but just a bunch of questions, paperwork, etc. My favorite nurse did the appointment. She was the nurse working with my OB who died last spring, so I don't usually get to work with her anymore, but I see her in the office and she hugs me every time she sees me. She's so lovely. She says they all say prayers for me and my babies.
(By the way, not doing so great today. I know there is no logical reason to be scared of miscarriage, but it's 9 weeks and my gut says bad things happen at 9 weeks. Tears have been shed. But really trying not to go to that place of fear, if for nothing else because my husband said to me yesterday that if I'm scared, he's scared and if I'm OK, he's OK as far as all this baby stuff goes. I don't want him to suffer for no reason, when everything's probably going to turn out to be fine.)
3. Cut up peaches in milk. Is there anything better to eat in the world?
4. You guys, for reading along and leaving such awesome and supportive comments. I'm tearing up...it really means so much to have you out there rooting for me. Heart you guys!
5. Came out to my parent's place to work this afternoon...they've got some land and it's so lush and green and lovely...it hardly feels like working when you're sitting outside listening to a fountain gurgle, smelling the green grass, breathing the fresh air...
XOXO
Pregnancy: Week 7
Happy Monday, Everyone!
I'm 8 weeks pregnant today! :)
Here's how the past week has gone:
- Nausea. Pretty much 24/7. Although every once in a while there's been a brief respite (and then, of course, I worry that something's wrong with the babies)
- Food aversions...I don't know, right now I feel like I don't want to eat anything. But once I start eating, whatever I'm eating seems to be OK. And I feel better after I eat, so there's that incentive
- My boobs are way bigger and more sensitive
- I got a horrible headache one night, and I almost never get headaches. It was bad enough that I even took some Tylenol, which I've been really scared to do, even though the doctor says it's fine
- The spotting that went on nonstop for about 2 weeks is finally gone
- Bella bands (which go over your pants and hold them up so you can unbutton them) are so my friend. Just got one yesterday and I am soooooo much more comfortable
- Edging closer to the time when I lost my last baby, and the fear is getting pretty bad. The way I'm dealing with it--not necessarily healthy, I know--is by spending an inordinate amount of time trying to make plans for what I'll do if I lose both babies. It's horrible to be thinking this way, but I guess I'm just trying to protect myself...to plan out a nice life for myself if all goes terribly wrong and we aren't ever able to have children...I don't know, all this just feels so fragile and unreal right now...I'm scared to believe this is actually going to work. Working really hard to stay focused on the positive right now and not let these fears consume me...
- Ultrasound tomorrow...been feeling pretty OK about it until today but now I'm sooooo nervous
Hope everyone has a lovely week.
XOXO
Pregnancy: Week 6
Happy Monday, Everyone!
I'm 7 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's what's been happening over the past week:
- Morning sickness is not my friend. It's way worse than last week. About the same as last time I was pregnant, which wasn't pretty. Not puking, but on the verge and dealing with serious nausea 24/7. Sucks. The only day I didn't feel terrible was Saturday, and then I was worried something was wrong with the babies because I was feeling better, lol. Just no way to win here
- We found out last week we are having twins, and I'm still reeling a bit from the news. Worried about how we'll handle it physically, emotionally, financially. I'm also worried about the babies, but everything I've been reading indicates that a twin pregnancy can be a very healthy pregnancy, so trying to stay focused on that fact. On the positive side, I'm feeling like twins are going to be so fun. And also, it's such a huge, huge bonus that we won't have to go through IVF again for a second child. I've done five rounds of IVF and I am really about at my limit. If we were to lose these babies, I'm not sure I could try again. But no need to think about that right now...
- My body is already changing a lot. My boobs are HUGE. My stomach is so round, too...it's already feeling enormous to me vs how my body usually is. So weird
- Napping most days
- I've been spotting all week, very light but it's annoying (and a little scary having it go on for so long). My clinic says it's fine. They also say I can't have sex until it stops. Sigh
- Eating is not fun. Really nothing sounds the least bit appealing. But I feel a little better when I eat. And I can pretty much eat anything if I make myself...doesn't really seem to matter what it is...one food doesn't have an advantage over another. But there is zero pleasure in food right now
- My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, especially late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping. I am so very happy and relieved to be pregnant. But I'm also worried about how my life is going to change. I think you gain so incredibly much with a child, but you have to give up things, too, at least for the short term. I'm scared about how my body is going to change...will I ever be fit again? I'm bummed I have to miss another snowboarding season (I missed last year's being pregnant, and then miscarried at the very end of it), although I guess two babies for two snowboarding seasons is a fair trade. I'm going to need to work part-time after the babies are born, but is that going to be OK for the babies? (This is the first time I've worried that not being a full-time mom might not be a good idea.) Are we going to be OK with all the extra expenses the babies are going to bring? Etc.
- Still worried about miscarriage, although it's more a nagging fear in the background vs something I am totally obsessed with. I hate being in a place where I'm wishing time away, but between being sick and the very real possibility of miscarrying one or both of these babies, I just want the first trimester to be over. I've already gone through a tough first trimester...ready for something new and hopefully a bit more comfortable and a bit less scary...
Hope everyone has a fabulous week!
XOXO