Cytotec: What to Expect

So today's the day we start the process of trying to get what's left over from my miscarriage out of my body. Been dreading this, but also anxious to get the show on the road as far as getting my body ready for next steps, you know?

It's almost 5 PM and I've just stuck 800 mg Cytotec inside me. Don't really know what to expect...my clinic didn't tell me anything, and I checked Dr. Google and all I can find is information about using this drug to clear an entire miscarriage out, which sounds pretty bloody and painful from how other people describe it, but I've already had a D&C, so I don't think this'll be too bad. I hope it won't be too bad. But I've arranged things so that I can be mellow (or even stay in bed) in the coming days if need be.

I have an appointment in Denver Tuesday to see if this (the drug) worked. If not, it's another D&C (and my summer vacation to the West coast will probably have to be cancelled. Which will suck. But babies come first.)

I've been feeling down at times since getting back from my trip a couple days ago...I don't know if it's just garden-variety PMS, or feeling sad about the miscarriage. (I've actually been willing myself not to calculate how many weeks pregnant I'd be right now, but I know it's about the time we would have found out the sex of the baby, and God I wish I was all round and cute and pregnant right now, vs fighting to lose the IVF/baby weight I gained so I can start at a better baseline when I start taking drugs again, which is going to be sometime in the next few days. God this weight's been hard to lose.) Or maybe I'm just melancholy because I didn't get enough time away from work, I don't know. 

Fingers crossed this drug does its job. I'll report back with what it's like tomorrow. Already starting to feel a little weird and crampy. Anyone else been through this and have any advice on what to expect?

XO

Miscarriage: When Do You Start Feeling Better?

After the miscarriage, I stopped working on the baby sweater I'd been knitting and made this beach-y cotton cowl for myself. Love how it turned out, and it actually stayed cool enough to wear it a few times. :)

As of this past week, a month has gone by since we lost our tiny unborn baby. I was just days from being out of the first trimester when we found out...just about "safe" and so excited to tell everyone.

And it's funny, and surprising to me, there's not really a lingering sadness. The first couple weeks after it happened were awful, but since then...I don't know...it's just kind of gotten lumped into the ongoing drama of us trying to have a baby, which hurts, but I've been living with that particular hurt for so long I barely even notice it anymore. It feels funny to say this, and maybe I'm wrong, but it (the miscarriage) doesn't stand out as a part of this process that will continue to be hard down the road. Honestly, the two chemical pregnancies I had last year hurt just as much...but with those, there was really very minimal support...everyone, including my husband, didn't understand at all why I was so upset. So I kind of had to hide and be alone with my feelings there, which was hard. With the miscarriage, everyone around me was as upset as I was and was very supportive...I think maybe that's been why it hasn't been that hard to move forward...I grieved heavily and everyone around me was loving and helpful, and now I'm ready to look forward and move onto the next thing.

The other thing I think is interesting here and plays a role is: for months with the pregnancy I felt just terrible, and incredibly restricted. I had morning sickness pretty bad 24/7, and not being able to exercise is a big lifestyle change for me that's hard to deal with. And of course I am so, so happy to go through that again to be pregnant and have a baby, I don't mind AT ALL, but to go through months of that and wind up with nothing? Awful. And then to suddenly feel great physically after months of barely being able to drag myself out of bed, AND be allowed to go to yoga and on hard hikes and to take a hot bath and have a glass of wine if I want, etc...it's kind of been a relief to go back to my normal state for a short time (although please God let me be pregnant again in July and be totally restricted and sick all over again.)

Anyway, I just wanted to write little post about my experience with the miscarriage...that, while beyond awful at the time and for a few weeks after, I don't think it's going to be a long and lingering sadness. I'm sure having a plan to move forward and having embryos in the freezer helps with that too.

Others out there who have had this happen: did you feel the same way? Or was it harder for longer? I'm kind of surprised that it hasn't been worse for me.

Hope everyone is having a super-fun weekend!

XO

Miscarriage: Packing Up the Reminders

Just feeling wretched today. It’s three days after the miscarriage (or at least when we found out about it), and I’m trying to pack up the reminders, to put away anything baby-related. The ultrasound pictures are the hardest. The “congratulations you’re pregnant” bag my OB’s office gave me a couple weeks ago with formula samples, bottles, diaper rash cream samples, etc. The knitting book of baby clothes and what’s left of the baby sweater I was working on until my dog chewed it up. My list of what not to eat while pregnant. The baby name book. The list of baby stuff we wanted to start getting after the first trimester was over (which would have been next week) that my husband and I made at lunch on Monday, right before we went to our OB appointment and found out that our baby had died. The yellow-and-white baby blanket we received in the mail from my mother-in-law the same day. This sucks.

I’m feeling really sad today about the fact I’m not going to be pregnant this summer. And that we’re not going to have a baby in October…I was really excited about the fact that the due date was right around my dad and grandfather’s birthdays (they have the same birthday) and my mom’s birthday and my brother who died. It would have been so cool for the baby to share a birthday with one of them. We’re looking at a winter pregnancy and a spring baby now, assuming (and this is a big assumption) that all goes perfectly next time around.

And speaking of next time around, the fact that it might not work is killing me. The fact that there’s going to be no joy or hopefulness or excitement in the first trimester is so sad to me, that it’s just going to be this terrifying black tunnel we hope and pray we make it out of. I can’t imagine not getting pregnant. I can’t imagine getting pregnant and then 3 months of being scared every single day that my baby may be dead. And if I’m as sick as I was this time on top of it, ugh, it just sounds like the worst torture imaginable. I know I’ll probably feel better about everything in a couple of months. I don’t have to do it today. It’s going to be manageable and obviously, I’ll go through any sort of trauma I have to to be able to have a baby.

Just feeling really beat down and exhausted by this whole process today. But like I was saying yesterday, I know I just need to get through today, try not to worry about the future.

I am just so, so, so sad, and there’s no way to make the sadness go away. I just have to sit with it and it’s so very painful. I’m tired of being in pain. When is it going to be my turn to have happy things happen? I don’t expect my whole life to be happy, but there’s got to be some good things that get mixed in with the bad, right? There have got to be more happy days for me somewhere down the road. Or is life just going to continue to be one horrible thing I have to deal with after the other? I need a break from the bad, please, God. I need something good to happen. It’s been 8 years of one trauma after another in my life, and 5 years of month after month after month of heartbreak with this infertility thing. I feel like I’m reaching the end of what I can possibly bear.