California, Death & Grief, Marriage, Music, Travel Kristen California, Death & Grief, Marriage, Music, Travel Kristen

Nor Cal

Ah, the Marina.

I’m all over the Bay Area yesterday, today and tomorrow. It doesn’t hurt to be here like it hurts to be in Santa Barbara. I miss it, but it also feels really intense. Traffic is crazy. Listening to Die Wandaland (Patrick Porter). Patrick was my brother’s best friend in high school. I listened to this album for the first time on a trip to the Bay Area four years ago, and it felt like the right thing to listen to again.

Haven’t cried about my brother’s birthday yet, but it’ll happen; I’m kind of intermittently on the edge of tears right now. Trying to keep this trip mellow but still feeling edgy and uneasy. Can’t wait to be home. Miss my husband terribly.

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California, Cooking, Friends, Travel Kristen California, Cooking, Friends, Travel Kristen

An Email From the California Friends I'm Seeing Tonight...

SFO, waiting for the tram. Fall in love with the hills again every time I fly in.

This email totally made my day: :)

"We get to see you, yay! Poor you--we had such a relaxed weekend I read ALL of my cooking magazines and you will now be subjected to a tiny Thanksgiving meal, Southwestern style. But before I do this, I wanted to make sure the menu was okay. Because I can change anything. ;) It would be a small roasted turkey breast with guajillo-tamarind glaze with roasted poblano gravy, sweet potatoes with chile cream sauce, arugula salad with pomegrantes and roasted walnuts and possibly some cornbread. It won't be too spicy hot, probably sounds like it though! lol...  Let me know! Looking forward to catching up..."

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California, Death & Grief, Friends Kristen California, Death & Grief, Friends Kristen

Missing California

One of my Southern California friends had a birthday last week. So I was thinking about him, and feeling sad and/or envious, I’m not sure which. He grew up in Santa Barbara and is an amazing surfer, he’s been in the surfing press not too long ago and I know his life has its challenges, but I wish I could surf, and be young, and live in that part of the world. I did all those things once; it’s gone, can’t (although I might be wrong) be retrieved. I could do all that--and did--with my youngest brother, but without him, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t belong. It’s also my brother’s birthday tomorrow, he would have been 33, he’s dead five years now and around his birthday everything always feels off. It passes, but it’s so hard to sit with while it’s happening. I probably should have taken tomorrow off work, but I’m traveling later in the week and it’s just not possible. I try to stay positive and happy and look for the good in each day, but it’s hard right now.

There are fewer days I wake now longing for California. No longer every day, but it still happens.

When am I going to feel like I belong somewhere again?

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