Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

Soooooo excited about December's PAIL monthly theme post: "Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood." This is something I think about ALL THE TIME. 

First, a little background for those who don't know me well--these are the things that demand my time:

• I have 9-month-old twins, and we are going to try and have one more baby within the next year
• I'm married and my marriage is very important to me
• I also work part time from home. I work in advertising, as a copywriter/creative director. I've been freelancing for the past 10 years, so the work-at-home thing is not new, although the part-time thing is
• I also write, both fiction and non-fiction, and that is really my passion
• And I love being outdoors...hiking, camping, snowboarding, etc... ("me time")
• And then, there is the normal, keep-life-running kind of stuff that everyone has to deal with (chores, dinner, housecleaning, etc.)

Why I Work

The first questions I'm always asking myself is, "Why do I work?" Right now, my husband is job hunting, so it's a necessity, but soon he'll be working and we could make it on his salary. And I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom...my work is enjoyable and I'm good at it, but I don't feel any great drive to do it, don't feel like I'm contributing anything great to the world. But...I make a pretty good hourly wage, and me working allows us to do things we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. Plus, my husband wants me to contribute some financially, and I respect that. And part-time feels pretty manageable, so that's the set-up we have, and I think it's working pretty well.

(My husband would also want me to add here that although I THINK I want to be a stay-at-home mom, that would involve cleaning the house and ironing, both of which I hate and am terrible at.)

How I (Try to) Make it All Work

The second thing I'm always asking myself is, "Is this working?" I'm always wondering if I'm doing a good job juggling everything. Overall, I think the answer to that question is, "Yes," but there's no question some things are getting sacrificed along the way. A breakdown of what gets accomplished (and how it gets accomplished) and what gets neglected:

• Kids—My little ones are obviously my priority, and I'm really proud of the fact that while other areas of my life may be neglected, they are not. Weekends are all about them. Weekdays, I spend 6 AM to 9 AM exclusively with them, and then other pockets of time throughout the day (some days more than others, depending on my work schedule/deadlines). I also do their bedtime routine with them every evening except Sunday (date night). Their dad takes care of them while I work (will be his mom once he's working again), with my mom taking over once a week on Wednesdays
• Husband/Marriage—I make spending time with my husband a priority, do not put our marriage last on the list. Our situation is a little unusual in that he's home (probably not for much longer), so we get some time together every day. We almost always spend our evenings together, too. We also have a date night every Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad who babysit, and it's wonderful. I think it was my husband's fear that he would be totally neglected once we had kids...I'm trying hard to make sure that that is not the case
• Work—I've got the best clients in the world, really...they've been so great about the shift from me doing whatever, whenever, to having to have some boundaries so my kid time doesn't get eaten up. I've learned to say no to huge rush projects. To say no in general when I need to in order to keep my "to do" list manageable. To not travel (with rare exceptions). I try really hard not to work on the weekends. I feel like I'm doing good work...the main thing for me though is not to commit to too much...always a struggle, but I've done pretty well so far
• Writing—This is suffering. Actually, I include blogging in this category...my blog is very important to me...the connections it affords and also I see it as a record of my kids' childhood that will be so precious to me and perhaps to them too in the future, so I make time for it, but there's never as much time as I'd like. (I have 3 pages of things I'd like to do in this space and haven't gotten around to.) So blogging is getting some attention, usually after the kids go to bed or during naps on the weekends. But my other writing has totally fallen by the wayside and at some point, I want to correct that. The only time to write would be after the kids are in bed (or naps on weekends), but that's also time I want to spend with my husband, so... Something I've been thinking of doing is making one night a week my writing night...not a lot of time but better than what I've got going now. We'll see.
• "Me Time"—I love being outdoors, and the exercise is good for me. Love yoga too. I go in waves with this...sometimes I'm really good about getting out and getting some exercise, other weeks I just can't stand to be away from my babies. Generally I hike with my dad every Wednesday while my mom babysits, and my husband watches the kids once a week while I go to yoga. Sometimes I get out walking with the kids in the stroller, which is ideal, but it seems like it's always too hot or too cold, and one or both ends up fussy and that's not fun for anyone. Still trying to figure out the best balance here. And then stuff like snowboarding...a couple years ago, the season-pass-holding-on-the-mountain-twice-a-week me could not imagine not wanting to go, but now...I hate the thought of being away from the babies for a day. Snowboarding may just have to wait until they are old enough to be on the mountain, too. Oh and by the way, other "me time" stuff is pretty much nonexistent...reading and getting out with friends being two things I would love to do that just aren't happening right now. Oh and knitting. It would be nice to knit again someday...
• Daily Tasks—Here's where things really break down. Well, not really, because we have a housecleaner that comes once a week (God bless her) and my husband does most of the cooking (have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?) And we do shopping/errands together, so we get things done and spend time with each other and the kids all in one fell swoop with that. But there are chores I'm supposed to get accomplished each week and I am SO BAD about those. So bad. There is just not time and I'm always stressed about these things and they are never done in a timely manner and it drives my husband crazy and I am trying to be better about it but really, if there is a breakdown in the system better it be here than the attention the kids are getting, right?

Bottom Line

I have lots of help, and I prioritize. And I don't get everything done I want to (the things that are suffering the most are my writing and chores). My writing...honestly, I feel like if it takes a backseat for a year or two that's OK. And chores...everything seems to get done eventually. I am feeling really good about how much time I spend with my kids and how good my relationship with my husband is, also that I am doing a good job at work and contributing to my family in that way.

By the way, so excited about the possibility of three kids, but also scared because things are going along pretty smoothly right now...will three put us over the edge?

Once the list of other PAIL posts goes up, I will link to it here. Can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say on this topic!

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey (Mommy and Daddy's 4th Anniversary Edition)

Dear Luke and Zoey,

You guys were up at 4 AM this morning to eat (you're supposed to be sleeping through the night by now, but we'll talk about that some other time). Your Daddy and I lay in bed with you, him giving one a bottle, me breastfeeding the other, and I said, "Happy anniversary, sweetie. Tell the kids about our wedding day."

"It was cold," he said. "It snowed. And your mom looked beautiful. It was the day we became a family."

And it was.

I'm so glad I married your dad. He has been so sweet and loving since day one, I met him just after your Uncle Luke died and I needed a lot and he was there for me. He was there for me then, and then all through the things we had to do to bring you into our lives. It wasn't always easy, but I figure if we can survive those two things together we can survive anything.

And now, he's not only my husband, he's also your daddy. You guys are so lucky to have the daddy you do.

We didn't plan it this way, but you were born just before he finished school, and these first months he's been job hunting and so has been able to spend SO much time with you. It won't be like this forever, but we've treasured these months together. 

Your dad knows how to make you laugh, he kisses the tears away, he knows how to get you down to sleep, how to get you to eat when you really don't want to. He takes you out and about, strapping you to his chest in the Baby Bjorn. He takes you for walks in the stroller. He eases you into your afternoon nap with Phineas and Ferb. He helps your mommy so she can work, and also get to yoga, and get her nails done and such occasionally, so she doesn't feel like she's completely lost herself and can be a better mother. And he's a sucker for cute clothes for you guys...he told me before you were born that all babies needed really is white onesies, but he's the one that can't resist cute raccoon hats, and red coats with orange foxes on them, and skater shoes and baby Uggs...

But most of all--and really all that matters--he loves you more than anything. And I love him more than ever because of it.

Happy anniversary to us!

Love, 

Mommy

Making a Marriage Work, Volume 1

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Thanks for the suggestions last week on what to call the little bird perched on the antlers of the paper mache deer head we've put in our playroom. An ensuing conversation with my husband:

Me: "Stacey says we should call the bird 'Buttercup.' How cute is that?!?" (Stacey is a dear friend of mine who lives on the beach in San Francisco...lucky girl...so jealous.)

My Husband: "I was thinking after that bird from Snoopy."

Me: "'Woodstock?'"

Him: "Yeah, 'Woodstock.'"

Me: "Hm. I like 'Buttercup' better."

Him: "I know...we can name the bird "Butterstock!' Or 'Woodcup!'"

Me (laughing): "'Butterstock' it is."

See how good we are at making things work for the both of us? :)

XOXO

Sweet Things My Husband Says...

So over Christmas my husband and I were talking with my mom about maybe using a doula for the birth of the twins. (My mom had a career as a neonatal nurse, though, working in the NICU, so she may be all I need.)

"And you know," I said to my husband, explaining why it might be good to have a doula there, "Labor could take days. You're probably going to want a break at some point."

His response: "I'm not leaving your side." 

***

And then the next day, with me hugely uncomfortable with a backache and exhausted from not sleeping:

"I wish we were penguins," he said. "The male sits on the egg, you know. That way I could take care of incubating the babies for a while."

Love this guy...

XOXO

Image Credit: chrispearson72.

"Youthful Wonder"

Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...

A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"

"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow." 

Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?

All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...

Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)

Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?

I miss it...

XO

Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.

Playing '50s Housewife This Weekend

So far, my life has kind of been the antithesis of that of the sterotypical '50s housewife. I went to college, got a good job, took care of myself, put off having kids to have a career (well, actually what happened was a little more complicated than that...but that's another story), traveled, etc. etc. I married a pretty liberal man who is supportive of all that; he's also been in school for the past four years and I've been the primary breadwinner, which has worked out fine.

End of this week, my husband has a job interview out of state. (We haven't made any plans to move yet...we're just checking things out.) I'm going along as "the wife."

My job is to go to dinner with his potential boss Thursday night and be pretty and charming. While my husband's interviewing with people Friday, I'm going to ride around with a real estate agent looking at neighborhoods, potential houses for us, talking about schools for the kids, etc. It all feels so very retro, and so incredibly different from what I'm used to.

And you know what? I love it. I WANT to be the '50s housewife. I'd quit work when the kids came if I could (although we've decided it makes sense for me to work part-time from home, which I'm fine with.) I SO long for that life, maybe because I've never had it...or maybe because it's what I was meant to be doing all along and got monumentally sidetracked by all the messages I got growing up telling me that it was a waste of my time and intelligence to be a wife and mother; real women have careers and take care of themselves.

My husband and I are on the same page...we're working to make that more retro life (or a somewhat tweaked version of it) a reality.

This trip is kind of the first incarnation of that. This all feels so unreal. And makes me really happy.

XO

Image Credit: knowyourflo via Etsy.

Update on 2011-11-30 01:39 by Buttercup

Hi Everyone!

Wanted to post a brief follow-up here. My mom read something I wrote in this post and took it the wrong way, and I wanted to make sure to clear up any confusion. 

I talked in this post about getting messsages from all around discouraging me from being a wife and mother and making family important, and instead being told that I should focus on a career and being able to take care of myself. And it's true I was told that over and over by my parents, my grandparents who were very influential in my life, the media, my peers, feminism that was so rampant at the time I went to college, etc.

But on the flip side, my mom made home and family and motherhood an absolute priority, and that's what I saw day-to-day growing up...she made a beautiful home for us...worked but just part time and only when we kids were older...had a good stable marriage to my father...put a nice cooked-from-scratch dinner on the table every night (plus breakfast and lunch)...did a lot to make holidays and family get-togethers special occasions. So I also had that influence, even while all the vocies around me were saying, "This is not something to aspire to."

Maybe having seen/grown up in a good happy home/family is what's made me yearn for it so badly all these years...

It's My Anniversary!

This is just outside the church right after we got married. Love the bear's flowers...my BFF and Maid of Honor put them together the morning of the wedding.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to me and my husband! :)

In honor of the day, a few fun facts:

• We met in Alaska. He actually had my brother's (Luke, the one who died) old job, which is how we met. It was dreamy...whales and glaciers and Northern lights and quaint little towns...such a perfect backdrop to falling in love. I remember sitting up on the roof, just the two of us, of this little boat we were on that had nudged up close to a glacier, he sitting with his back against a wall, me in front of him with his arms around me, watching the glacier calf...so magical 
• We met just a few months after my brother had died. I was a MESS. I don't know how I would have gotten through that time without my husband. He was amazing to me
• We did the long distance thing (me in Santa Barbara, he in Alaska and then Seattle) for about a year and a half before moving in together 
• I'd been married before and was VERY skittish about getting married again (had nothing to do with my husband, just the institution of marriage in general). I made him warn me before he proposed (I told him, "If you surprise me, I might freak out and say no, and I don't want that to happen.") He did warn me, which made me love him even more, but now I wish I'd let him do the big surprise "popping the question" thing...I'm sure he would have done something fabulous
• We had trouble deciding where to get married...considered Las Vegas (just could not make that happen...long story) and Thailand (wouldn't it have been cool to have had a baby elephant there on your wedding day?), but ended up in Colorado in a tiny little log cabin chuch that belonged to a freind of my parents. It was perfect
• I was SO HAPPY on my wedding day. The whole day, just ecstatic
• We're definitely a case of opposites attract. My husband's 5 years younger than me, and very smart in a math-and-science kind of way, very logical. I'm into literature and the arts, emotional. He's a night owl and I go to bed early. He likes video games and science fiction, I like the outdoors. But somehow it works. We're alike in a lot of ways too...we're both kind of homebodies, and family and each other comes first, we're both very responsible so that all helps
• I feel happier and more in love with each passing day. And we are sooooo excited to bring two little babies into our little family. I am lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky

XOXO 

Dinosaur Triple Threat

So my husband runs around acting like a 5-year-old sometimes (part of why I love him, and why I want to have kids with him so bad). One of the acting-like-a-5-year-old things he does we call the Dinosaur Pounce. He'll stand outside the closed bathroom door while I'm taking a shower, with his hands up close to his face like little T-Rex arms, and then when I open the door he'll jump on me, making me scream or laugh, depending on how surprised I am. It's sweet. He's not doing it while I'm pregnant because he figures startling me is not a good idea. I miss it.

This morning, my husband was up uncharateristically early (he usually studies late and sleeps late). He came into the kitchen while I was making toast for breakfast and said, "Nope, you need protein," and pulled out eggs and sausage and cheese and poured me a big glass of milk...made me this great breakfast which we then sat on the couch side-by-side eating.

During breakfast, I could not stop laughing. From my husband having staring contests with the dog (the dog is surprisingly good at not blinking first) to him trying to get me to eat more of my breakfast by piling it on the toast and giving it a funny name--he's just so incredibly funny and sweet. 

"I can't wait until the babies are here," I said. "You're going to have us all laughing 24/7."

"Yeah," he said. "But you're also going to have to put up with the Dinosaur Triple Threat for the rest of your life."

I know exactly what he's talking about: Him, outside the bathroom door, a little kid on each side, all 3 with their hands in T-Rex pounce position, all 3 trying not to laugh so that when mommy comes out after her shower they can pounce and surprise her. I'm sure the louder I scream, the more satisfying it's going to be.

Seriously, how lucky am I?

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Image Credit: happyfamily via Etsy.

Yay! My Husband Is Almost Done With School for the Semester!

Meet Bob (above). Bob is the official study mascot around here...blue when at rest, a flickering green when turned on. When Bob's on (most afternoons/evenings), our dining room's full of guys studying Mechanical Engineering, and I try to make myself scarce (or occasionally, bake them cookies and/or dinner).

Tomorrow is my husband's last day of school (for this semester anyway...he's got one more year left) and I am thrilled to say that Bob is going into hibernation until the fall. My husband's had it so tough this semester...his dad dying right at the start, dealing with a crazy wife hopped up on IVF hormones and then pregnant, and then the miscarriage a month ago...it's been A LOT. Plus this is probably the hardest semester for him in a hard, hard major.

In the past he's worked during the summer, but this time he's taking the summer off. It's his last chance for some free time before school's over. Plus we want to travel and be able to do our out-of-town FET this summer without having to worry about his work schedule. Plus (and this is totally selfish, I hate to even admit it but I'm trying to be honest around here) I figure someday when the stars align and I can take the winter off to snowboard every day I can say to him, "Well, you got to have that summer off, remember? Now it's my turn." :)

Really psyched to spend a TON of time with him and not have to share him with all the guys he studies with (I totally get that he needs to study hard, and we make it work, but I think during school he really does spend more time with them than he does with me). And even though I'm working, I'm going to try hard to keep my workload managable.  

It's gonna be a fun summer. :)

XO

A Letter to My Brother, Six Years After His Death

How cool is it when your brother's in the band? A picture from one of his many shows...

Dear Luke,

Six years. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in others, that life I had with you seems so far in the past it’s almost as if it never happened. I hope you’re OK and that this hasn’t been as horrible and traumatic for you as it’s been for me.

Would you be surprised by the life I’m living? I had to leave our house in Santa Barbara, and all of California, behind. There just wasn’t the joy there without you. I never really surfed again after you died, which has been such a huge loss (although I brought three of the surfboards with me when I left, including the one with the panther on the nose that was yours but you always let me ride)…I’ve never been happier than early mornings in the surf with you. Once I stopped surfing, there wasn’t a good reason to stay. And I was seeing my now-husband (he had been working your old job up in Alaska, which is how we met)…he had moved to Seattle and I was so sad and lonely in the house you and I had shared…I thought maybe it would be better to go. I made the right decision to go be with my husband, but I’m still not sure if leaving California was the right thing. It’s hard to know if I miss IT, or I miss the life I had there that no longer exists. Would I be happy going back? I don’t know.

I lived in Seattle with my soon-to-be husband for six months…but it was winter and so grey and I was so sad…my husband thought I might do better closer to mom and dad, and so that’s how we ended up back in Colorado.

I’m married now, as you can tell. I work a lot less. I have your dog Dexter…I think he still misses you. I snowboard instead of surf (and sometimes when I’m out alone I sit on the side of a run and cry, I want you there with me so bad.)

My husband’s great…you would love him. We’re trying to have a baby, but that’s not going so well. I keep thinking a birth, some life, some pure joy would help me not to hurt so bad from your death and the loss of that whole happy life as a California surfer girl…I mean, I want to have a baby for so many more reasons than that, but I can’t help thinking having something happy to share with people instead of being the one who’s had to bear so many hardships…

I like to think of you in some happy and peaceful place, with a Jeep and my dog Shaye who died the year before you did, she’s hanging out on the beach while you surf the perfect waves and you don’t have to struggle anymore…you don’t have to deal with all the heartbreak you dealt with in this life, all the trying to figure things out and how are you going to find a girl to love and are you going to be an architect or stay the free spirit who can’t resist heading up to Alaska every time spring comes around. You don’t have to deal with disappointments and you don’t have to be sad when people you love die and you get to be the golden 27-year-old who did exactly what he wanted to do with this life—you’ll be that man forever.

I felt for a long time that when you died, I died too. I don’t feel that way anymore. There’s my husband now, and mom and dad and our brother, and I have such amazing friends and I’m trying to figure out something good to do with all the many years I probably have left. I do know life will never be the same without you. I’m glad it was you and not me, that you haven’t had to go through what we all have since you died (although I’m sure you would have done it with much more grace and poise than I). I’m not afraid to die, because it means I’ll get to be with you.

I love you, and please come visit me like you visit other people. I haven’t had a single sign that you’re in some way still here.

With love beyond measure,

Kristen

Yet Another Thing That's Surprised Me About Being Pregnant That Shouldn't

Driving to Vegas tomorrow. We're staying downtown, which I like so much better than the strip...it's just kind of mellow and fun vs a total scene.

So this coming week is my husband's spring break, and we're going to Vegas! I'm so excited...it's just going to be great to spend some time with him. His mom and brother are there, too (that's why we're going, actually...his mom is recently widowed)...it's going to be good to see them.

I work at home mostly, have been wearing comfy jeans and T-shirts pretty much since I got pregnant. But today I go to pack and I want to look cute for Vegas, right? And have some outfits to dress up in in case we decide to do some fun things in the evenings? And I tell you...trying to find outfits that fit? Not an easy task.

OK, of course I knew I was going to gain weight when I got pregnant. And I thought I was totally fine with that. But the reality is after spending my entire life trying to stay as skinny as possible, to realize that 95% of your cute clothes don't fit and aren't going to fit for some time...that's a little sobering. Especially when you don't even look pregnant yet.

My husband came upstairs mid-packing and I got all teary (I know there's insane hormonal stuff going on these days too, so it's not all me being crazy). He's so sweet and supportive, I know he'll love me even as I, ahem, expand over the next months. He made me feel really beautiful and loved. And with his help I even managed to put together a few outfits. Plus he said we could go shopping.

Love this guy.

Stay tuned over the next week for (sober and nauseous and tired) dispatches from Sin City!

Happy weekend everyone. :)

Image credit: 8 News NOW.

Feminism vs. Babies

So I’m reading a book of essays by Joan Didion (love her!) called The White Album, and one of the essays, written in 1972, is about the women’s movement. She wasn’t a fan of it, which is a little surprising to me, as she was a prime example of what feminists wanted for women, with her wildly successful journalism career and all.

The feminism that I was introduced to in the late 1970s and 1980s--the message I got loud and clear was that being a wife and mother and homemaker is demeaning and a waste. The only proper thing for women to do is strike out on their own, not be dependent on men, pursue high-powered careers. According to a feminist friend of mine in San Francisco, that message has changed a bit, and nowadays the message is women should be free to choose the path that most fulfills them. But that’s not how it used to be.

I went to college and worked hard at my career, as I was told, but secretly always wanted a husband and babies and a house of my own, the sooner the better. I honestly think part of why I married my first husband was that I wanted that life so badly, and he at least offered the hope of making those dreams come true. Everything went badly for him and for us, though, so a few years later I found myself divorced, and really, living my life the way the feminisim I grew up with said you should--not about husband and family and commitment, but self-fulfillment.

I lived in San Francisco at the time, and I surfed every single day. I started freelancing, and my career really took off. I dated, a lot, but refused to get serious with anyone. I traveled. I went out most nights.

Fun. Really fun. But honestly, never what I actually wanted.

Ms. Didion talks about this kind of stuff as acting like a child, not an adult. And I think it’s very true to look at my life and say I had a very extended adolescence, avoiding (although not really on purpose) adult responsibilities for a long, long time.

I’m married again now, to an incredible man, and this is our fifth year in a row trying to have a child. Oh, how I want a child, how I want that life I’ve longed for--a life that’s been so elusive for me.

Being a wife and mother and homemaker isn’t something that will oppress me, I really don’t think. It’s been my dream, for a long, long time. I know from personal experience that a life lived as prescribed by feminists (or at least the feminists of old) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least it wasn’t for me.

I want, have always wanted, to be what Ms. Didion describes those with family obligations as--a grown-up.

I wish it wasn’t taking so long to get there.

Is it Better to Keep the Negative to Yourself?

“In our marriage, it was our practice not to share anything that was upsetting, demoralizing, or tedious, unless it was unavoidable…for what is the purpose of sharing your misery with another person, except to make that person miserable too?”

--Joyce Carol Oates, in The New Yorker, December 13, 2010

I’ve been thinking about this statement since I read it about a month ago, and about the implications it has for my marriage.

I have historically tended to share everything--positive and negative--that goes on in my life. My husband, on the other hand, rarely brings up the negative. I’ve been playing around with keeping the negative to myself and you know what? It’s not as hard as I thought, and I think it might be very good for our marriage.

I’ve always thought, “What’s a husband for, if you can’t tell him your troubles? Then you have to tell them to someone else, and then you’re closer to that someone else, and that doesn’t make sense at all.”

But there’s a third option. Keep your troubles to yourself, at least some of the time. No one needs to hear all the time how sad I am about my husband’s dad dying, how scared I am that this IVF procedure won’t work, how thinking about my brother’s death can still practically stop me breathing, how I don’t really know what to do with my career, how sometimes I’m scared I’ll never figure out how to be really and truly happy again (I know it’s possible; I’ve been happy before).

My husband’s usually right about things. Maybe he’s right about this, too.

Fuzzy

Being fuzzy isn't easy.

My husband’s nickname for me is “Fuzzy,” sometimes “Little Fuzz,” or “LF” for short. As in:

“Hey, Fuzzy, you ready to go to dinner?”

or

“Why you crying Little Fuzz?”

He uses it as a noun, but it’s really an adjective that describes my personality, which in a nutshell is ultra-sensitive and ultra-emotional (these are the difficult parts), but also very caring and nurturing and loving (the good parts, according to my husband.)

Being fuzzy is hard. I take the weight of the world onto my shoulders. I kind of need to be shielded from things (eg, violence in movies, the news), because if I’m not, I’ll obsess over something I see. Say a bad guy dies in an explosion in a movie (which I know is fiction), I’ll still think about his family, the people who loved him, how sad they must be. When I saw the movie Changeling (great movie, but a lot of pretty horrible stuff happenes), I went into a funk for weeks. And the things in real life that have happened to me? I cope best by not thinking or talking about them too much. Pretending, for the most part, that they haven’t happened. Not sure how healthy that is, but it’s the only real coping mechanism I’ve been able to figure out.

My husband’s personality is the opposite of fuzzy--he’s cool, calm and logical at almost all times. He refuses to get caught up in emotion. Which somehow works out. I get to be my artsy, dreamy, sensitive self, and he keeps us rooted in the real world.

One of the many things I love about him.

Photo credit: Jenny Downing.

My Dream Life, Part 3 of 5: Snowboarding

Powder days. Best thing in the world.

I wish snowboarding had been big when I was a child, and that my parents had had the money/time/interest to get me on a board as soon as I had the muscle coordination. In my dream I’m a pro snowboarder, at least through my early 20s, and then I get married and have a passel of kids and live in a little A-frame house in the mountains with prayer flags strung over the loft like a house I saw once in Vail. Funny how this dream doesn’t include any sort of education or intellectual success—things in my real life I’ve worked hard to achieve.

How to make this dream a reality? Well, I’m obviously not going to be a pro snowboarder in this lifetime, but that’s OK. I can still have the little A-frame in the mountains. Hopefully a kid or two. A life lived largely out-of-doors (although my husband, though he’ll go with me occasionally, is decidedly not an outdoorsy person, so that presents some difficulties).

My brother who died, he and I always planned to take one winter off together, live on the mountain, snowboard every day. Maybe there’s a way to make that happen. Snowboarding’s one of the very few places I’ve found peace since my brother died, one of the few things I genuinely want to do.

Hopefully this snow season I’ll be pregnant and sidelined. There’ll be many more seasons to come.

Photo credit: Mihai Japan.

Interesting Reading This Week

Something else I've read recently that's sticking with me:

"When I lived in the present moment with you, noticing what was happening in that moment, I felt great joy. When my mind went to the past and what I had lost, I felt pain. When my mind went to the future and what I longed for, I felt pain then too.

"So many of us grown-ups suffer because we are trying to live the life we once had or the life we wish for. You reminded me that day that life is much sweeter when we live the life we have."

--Daniel Gottlieb, Letters to Sam

Nor Cal

Ah, the Marina.

I’m all over the Bay Area yesterday, today and tomorrow. It doesn’t hurt to be here like it hurts to be in Santa Barbara. I miss it, but it also feels really intense. Traffic is crazy. Listening to Die Wandaland (Patrick Porter). Patrick was my brother’s best friend in high school. I listened to this album for the first time on a trip to the Bay Area four years ago, and it felt like the right thing to listen to again.

Haven’t cried about my brother’s birthday yet, but it’ll happen; I’m kind of intermittently on the edge of tears right now. Trying to keep this trip mellow but still feeling edgy and uneasy. Can’t wait to be home. Miss my husband terribly.

How Can You Be Happy After Bad Things Happen?

So here's the story:

Girl has childhood with some rough elements. Girl, grown up, does what’s expected of her instead of what she wants. Girl’s first marriage goes down in flames. Girl lives with her beyond-cool baby brother/best friend/soul mate (not sure that's the right word, but don't know what else to use to get across how close we were)--up until he’s killed in an accident. Girl meets and marries fabulous second husband and tries--unsuccessfully so far--to have the baby she’s wanted for absolute-ever.

Girl started out pessimistic by nature, and at this point feels pretty beaten down by life. But girl doesn’t want to be one of those people who wake up in the morning wishing for it all to be over. Instead, she wants to be the kind who wakes up happy and thankful for all the good in her life and all the amazing, beautiful, inspiring things that happen every day.

This blog is intended to document one girl’s attempts--big and small--to get to a happy place.

Welcome to my world. :)