"Only Under Hip-Hop Supervision"

My brother Luke was killed 9 years ago yesterday. I didn't really feel like posting about it, because any sort of grief I'm going through these days...it's really hard to share for some reason...but then again I know isolation is not the answer...so a story:

2003, maybe 2004, washed-out pale-gray cracked 2-lane highway in Baja, Mexico you can only drive on during the day because a) it's not safe at night because, I don't know, we're just told it's not, and b) the speed and swerving of the semi trucks going the other way...are all the drivers drunk?...in the dark...just no...

We're coming back from a surf trip, nothing but salt water and campfires for days, my hair starting to dreadlock, everything filthy, so filthy that the military checkpoint teenagers with machine guns who stop us to search the car start poking around our tent and say what's that and we say hot sauce and they make a face and wave us through.

Anyway. Beastie Boys on I guess a first-generation (or close to it?) i-POD...God, it's been a long time since I had my brother with me...

There's this line before the song starts that talks about scratching a record and don't try this at home, only "under hip-hop supervision," except Luke thought it was only "ON the Hip-Hop Super Vision" like an actual thing you could buy at the store. We must of argued for an hour about it.No cell service so we couldn't Google it. (Did they even have Google back then? I can't remember. Or wireless? God, it's been a long time...) Luke even bought me play-turntables for Christmas that year and elaborately redid the box to brand the toy the "Hip-Hop Super Vision," just to proove his point.

I don't know why this converation sticks with me, but it does. I even use it on my kids sometimes...like they'll want to do something like smell my glass-contained candles and I'll be like, "uh-uh, not without me, only under hip-hop supervision."

My brother does live on in a million ways...

[Click the image above to listen...]

XOXO

Santa Fe: Valentine's 2014

My husband and I went to Santa Fe over the weekend, grandparents taking over kid duty. We had SUCH a nice time...we've been together 9 years this year and I think this was the first time we've done anything for Valentine's. Some nice meals, yummy margaritas, live music, art galleries and museums, walking around town, antiquing. And sleep, lots and lots of sleep, I had no idea how sleep deprived I was.

We had fun, but I'll also say I don't like Santa Fe that much. This was our second time there in the past 4 months, and it just feels so touristy to me, and an older tourist crowd too...there's nothing worng with that, but it just doesn't feel like our scene. When we go away again (I have no idea when that will be, but someday), we're thinking Austin. Or Mexico, maybe? So easy to get to from ABQ...

Not knocking this weekend though. Amazing to have some time to ourselves...loved it. (Missed the kids, too, of course. So happy to be reunited.)

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Road Trip!

Hi Hi Hi!

Today Mommy said I could tell you about our road trip--you know, the one we took when we left Colorado and moved to New Mexico.

We did it in two days so the drive would be easy, even though it was only 7 hours total. We left about 10 in the morning and took the scenic route to Moab, had burgurs and fries at Milts (which Mommy says has the best burgurs ever), spent the night in Farmington, NM at the Economy Inn on main street (not the nicest Mommy said, but at least it had some character...you should have seen the cool light fixtures in the room) and had dinner at Three Rivers Brewery (Bubs and I had lots of avocado, yum).

The next day Mommy barely took any pictures, she was so anxious to get there...except she did get the great shots below of me and Bubs reunited with our Daddy in front of our new house. We are sooooooo happy to be back with our Daddy! The scenery was beautiful that second day, though, especially the Jemez Mountains, which are not too far from where we are living...Mommy says this summer we can go explore and maybe even go camping there.

Oh, and Grammy did the whole trip with us, even sitting in the back with us some when we got fussy (and reading us the new books she got us for the trip). Soooooooo fun to have her with us. We love our Grammy! We miss her!

Mommy says we are great little road trippers. We can't wait to go out on our next adventure!

Love, Zoey.

 

Monday Snapshot: "Kitten Pile" Edition

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I traveled to San Francisco for work last week, and my husband, bless him, sent a steady stream of photos my way. (Must remember how nice this is for when he goes back to work.)

I had a long meeting Wednesday, after which I checked my phone for messages/texts, and found this with the caption 'Sleeping like champs:'

I laughed and showed it to my friend Wendy, who I'd driven to the meeting with.

"Awwwwww," she said. "They're like a little pile of kittens."

The kids are in one crib right now because we don't have room for two, but I'm not so sure I want to separate them even when we do have room. They sleep curled up together all the time...it's the cutest thing...

XOXO

This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot series...click here for more.

Grace in Small Things, San Francisco Edition (January 10, 2013)

A few lovely things that happened on my quick (48 hour) work trip to San Francisco (into which I tried to squeeze as much socializing as humanly possible). Oh, how I love San Francisco. I lived there for seven years, miss it every day.

1. Driving up from San Jose on the 280 early misty morning, having just spent a too-short evening/overnight with my college roommate Chris and his fiance Kim, love being around them, they always make me feel so incredibly welcome. (Years ago they even gave me a key to their house so I could come and go as I pleased whenever visiting the Bay Area.) Yesterday driving up to the city the light was just starting to come, the hills so green, the trees so lush...made me think of driving east on the 80 from Colorado the March I moved out to San Francisco, my brother Luke drove me, we left a foot of snow behind in Colorado and the green of the hills and the black-and-white cows, the warm humid air...I will never forget it.

2. Hiking and getting to see some of the art installations in the Presidio with Ryan (with whom I used to surf all. the. time.) So lovely to see him (and see where his family lives as they've moved since last time I visited...it's gorgeous)...and so nice to get out in nature, exactly what I wanted to do.

3. Seeing Wendy, whom I work with and who has a spectacular town home in Sausalito, so girly, so lovely.

[Insert confusing work meeting here.]

4. Getting to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge (twice). And reaching Ocean Beach before dark (which I didn't think would happen), so I could get at least a glimpse of my beloved waves. Cold and windy, wild like always, the feel and the smell of the air like it is only there...heaven...

5. Seeing my friends Stacey and Tobin, who live a block from the beach, you can hear the ocean at night from their house.

True story: We went for sushi last night (which was unbelievable. I'm never eating sushi in Colorado again.) Anyway, parking in San Francisco is INSANELY hard, for those of you who don't know. I lived on Russian Hill when I lived there, and in the evenings if it took you half an hour to find a parking spot and the spot was within a 10-block radius of where you lived, you were lucky.

Last night, there was a space right across the street from the restaurant. Tobin did a U-turn to snag it, and some other guy saw it at the same time, turned from the other direction and was about to take it. After they both tried unsuccessfully to wave each other away from the spot, Tobin got out of the car, the other guy got halfway out, each of them saying, "Hey I saw it first, that's my spot." This is the kind of thing that ends up in fist fights, right?

"Tell you what, why don't we flip for it?" Tobin said to the other guy. "That's fair, right? We both think we're right...this is a fair way to decide."

"All right," said the other guy.

The coin was flipped.

Tobin won.

Then said to the other guy, "You know what? It's OK, you can have the spot."

But the other guy said no, wouldn't take it--fair is fair--and we ended up with the spot.

Lovely trip. Missed my babies. I'm exhausted after a 4:15 AM wakeup to make a 6 AM flight. How did I used to travel 150 days a year?

Oh and P.S. any of my San Francisco friends reading this that I didn't get to see...soooooooo sorry! Don't take it personally! There wasn't any time! Next trip I PROMISE. :)

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Mommy's Birthday (Glenwood Springs, Colorado)

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Mommy said that today I could tell you guys about the trip we all took over the weekend for her birthday. You guys! It was SO FUN! 

Mommy's birthday was Friday, and she took the day off. She told me that years ago when she was a surf instructor she had to work on her birthday and was so bummed about it (even though being a surf instructor was fun work, it was still work, she said). Anyway, she has taken her birthday off ever since.

That morning, we got up early with her and hung out upstairs and laughed and played and danced like we do lately most mornings. And then me and Bubs took a nap TOGETHER--which we almost never do--so that Mommy could pack.

We stopped for lunch just me and Luke and Mommy and Daddy, at a burger place called Vicco's...Mommy says they have the best hamburgers ever!

We hung out in our stroller and had bottles at the end of the meal.

And then for Mommy's birthday Grandma and Grandpa got rooms for us and them and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend at the Hotel Colorado...it was my first hotel and Mommy says it's one of the good ones. Mommy says she has a thing for hotels...not expensive ones, necessarily, just ones that are cool and have some character. She said it was SUCH a treat to get to stay here.

The hotel is right across from the Glenwood Hot Springs. Mommy didn't go there this trip, but she did go with Grandma to the Vapor Caves, which Mommy says are like a natural steam room. Mommy got a massage, too. Meanwhile, Daddy and Grandpa were watching us, and we screamed and screamed, Daddy thinks because the room was kind of hot. But by the time Mommy got back, we were sleeping like little angels.

Here are some pictures of Glenwood. We walked downtown for dinner...everyone ate kind of late because we were waiting for Uncle Ben to get here. Everyone but me and Luke had Italian food at the Italian Underground. Luke and I slept in our stroller.

Mommy got lots of presents, like some books and this trip from Grandma and Grandpa, and a ruby necklace from us and Daddy. Oh, and she wanted me to show you how Uncle Ben wrapped his gift. (The flower was added on by his secretary.)

The next day was so fun, although Mommy didn't take many pictures. We all went to breakfast together, and then Luke and I went walking with Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend went and test-drove the new car Daddy wants to get once he has a job, and then they went up the canyon a little ways and sat on rocks by the river in the sun and waved to the people going by in rafts and kayaks and on paddle boards. Mommy says she can't wait until we are old enough to go on the river.

The last part of the time together was supposed to be going to Uncle Ben's favorite Mexican restaurant ever...but when we got there, it was shut down for nonpayment of taxes. Mommy says hopefully it is open again soon.

And then we drove home and all slept and slept. Mommy says the trip was sooooooo worth all the effort--and one of the best birthdays she's ever had--but she was tired afterwards. I'm sure that had nothing to do with the fact I woke her up at 2 AM and spent the next three hours trying to play. I was so cute...it was hard for her to be firm with me about going back to sleep. Finally, I got fussy, and when that happened Daddy woke up, and Mommy handed me to Daddy and I went right to sleep. Honestly, how hard is it to figure out when a girl just wants her Daddy? 

Anyway, it was a super fun trip, and I can't wait to do another one!

Love,

Zoey

2011: A Look Back

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Hope you all have great New Year's Eve plans! We're laying low, which is fine. Unless we're traveling, I'm not a huge one for New Year's Eve, pregnant or not.

Like most everyone else, the end of the year is always kind of a reflective time for me. Thought I'd share some of what I've been thinking about:

January

We took a belated three-week honeymoon to Europe the end of 2010/beginning of 2011...spent New Year's in Prague (amazing...would do it again in a heartbeat) and the first few days of the year in Venice:

As soon as we got home, we got word that my husband's dad was very sick...we went straight to Las Vegas to be with him, and he died a week later. So hard, but I'm so glad we got that time together.

And then, straight to Denver for IVF #4.

February

The transfer for IVF #4 happened in February...AND we got a BPF! A good solid one, too...all my previous ones had been iffy and ended up being chemical pregnancies. We were so excited!

Didn't feel too bad for the first few weeks, and did some nice easy walks in the Colorado National Monument, which is super close to our house:

March

I was sick, sick, sick with the pregnancy.

We went to Vegas again to see and help my husband's mom. 

Spring started to arrive:

April

We lost our baby, a girl, at 11 weeks 5 days...so close to being out of the first trimester and "safe." It was devastating, but my husband and I were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. We lay on the couch in the evenings and drank wine and talked and cried. And then when we couldn't cry anymore we watched episodes of "Wipeout" which is the most ridiculous TV show ever...have never watched before or since but somehow the stupidness and silliness was what we needed.

Family and friends were wonderful, too.

And got back to being active, with one quick weekend snowboarding trip with my brother (we took his snowmobiles out into the backcountry...he'd run me up a hill and I'd snowboard down). So fun even though the snow sucked as it was so late in the season.

I also started hiking, including an incredible day trip to Moab with my mom and dad.

One of the places I went a lot in those first few weeks after the miscarriage was Holy Cross trail. When I first moved to the area, I'd stumbled on this cross. Didn't learn until years later that I knew the woman who'd brought it into being, and it was for her lost child:

May

Tried to get my body ready for an FET...the D&C wasn't complete...another trip to Denver and our clinic was needed.

Worked hard to recover physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.

Life went on as normal for the cows across the street from my parents:

June

An absolutely lovely hiking trip with my Dad in Utah. We take a trip together every year...it is just the best:

And more "finishing the miscarriage" shenanigans and another trip to our Denver clinic.

And the start of our summer vacation, driving to the West coast to camp and hang out with tons of friends...so fun and exactly what we needed.

July

Summer vacation continued...from the start: Highway 50 through Nevada on the way out, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver, Salt Lake City on the way home. It was lovely. Here's my husband and I at a BBQ with my BFF, Lake Washington, Seattle:

We also went to Santa Barbara for a long weekend to attend a gorgeous wedding, and again got to spend time with lots of freinds...so wonderful.

And...back to Denver for the FET...stayed with my brother which is always great...had my birthday 2 days before the transfer, and on the last day of the month...another BFP! Yay!

August

Did a short camping trip with my brother, but for the most part sick, sick, sick. 

Learned we had twins!

My mother's organic garden was going crazy...

September

Camped again, this time with my whole family:

Still sick, but all was going well.

October

A fun trip to Denver to celebrate our anniversary.

Other than that, laying low with the pregnancy.

The first snow up in the mountains was so pretty (this is at my brother's house, where he and I and my brother who died grew up):

November 

Went with my husband to Mobile, AL and gulf coast Mississippi to check out a potential job. We celebrated his birthday while we were there...so fun, although traveling wasn't all that easy...

And later in the month, Thanksgiving at our house with lots of people. My husband and his mom did all the cooking! :)

December

Holidays at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains. Here's our boxer Newton playing in the snow:

My pregnancy at 25 weeks is still going strong! :)

So, all in all, a heartbreaking year with the loss of my father-in-law and our unborn baby. A year consumed with doctor visits. Lots and lots of travel (which probably won't happen again for some time). Lots of time with freinds and family. And the most joyous year ever, in that we are so close to bringing home two real, live babies--something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me.

A roller coaster year.

Praying that everything--two healthy babies, graduation for my husband and hopefully a good job offer, a possible move to we're not sure where--will go our way in 2012, which should be a year filled with happiness, but will also probably contain a number of huge transitions.

Happy New Year to you all! Blogging has brought me such joy this year--and your presence has been central to that. Thank you for being here, and looking forward to sharing all that will be 2012.

XOXO

Kristen

"Youthful Wonder"

Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...

A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"

"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow." 

Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?

All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...

Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)

Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?

I miss it...

XO

Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.

Alabama & Mississippi, and "House Hunters" Episode #1

Hi Everyone!

So last week, my husband and I went down to Mobile, Alabama and gulf coast Mississippi (a super cute little town called Ocean Springs). We relaxed a little (stayed at the Magala Inn in Mobile [ask for room 220] and the Gulf Hills Hotel in Ocean Springs, both of which were wonderful), ate some good meals (most notably Phonecia [thanks, Tortoise Baby, for the recommendation!] and Al Fresco, both in Ocean Springs). But mostly, my husband did a couple days of job interviews, and I looked at houses. My husband is graduating in the spring (was in the military, went back to school on the GI bill), and we're trying to figure out what happens next. There's a company down there that's very interested in him, so we went to check it out.

Interviews went well. House hunting was fun (although VERY premature, as we have no idea if we'll be moving or not, but I wanted to see the neighborhoods and figure out if this is a part of the country where I could feel at home [bottom line is yes]).

Houses are relatively cheap, especially with the economy the way it is. Here are a couple I fell in love with:

House #1 we've been calling "The Lake House." It's in a rural area west of Mobile, on three acres and shares a five-acre lake with a few other properties, is HUGE but is so beautiful...if we lived here, I'd never want to leave. I'd feel like I was on vacation 24/7. Not sure I want to live where you have to drive a ways to everything, though. And I didn't love Mobile...I'm sure there are some cool parts of the city, but we didn't find them. Also this is at the top of our budget...doable, but a stretch.

House #2 is in a part of Ocean Springs called Gulf Hills. We're calling it "The Elevator House" because even though it's only a basement and two stories, it has an elevator (with this beautiful inlaid mosaic floor, no less). It's on a golf course, and has been decorated amazingly...I guess an older woman lives there now and she for the most part has fabulous taste. If we were to buy it my husband would make me get rid of some thing (he's saying no to the black-and-gold cherub wallpaper in the bathroom...I think it's so over the top that it's cool.) But I could probably get away with keeping the gold swan water spouts. :) This house is a better size for us (not ridiculously huge) and is very close to the beach, playgrounds, a cute little downtown with restaurants and bars etc. Also this is more comfortably within our budget. But it has no yard to speak of (a little in the front, nothing in the back), which is a definite disadvantage since we have 2 dogs.

Anyway, all of this dreaming of houses (nesting instinct kicking in, you think?) is just wild speculation on my part. The company will let my husband know about the job in December, and IF they offer him a job and IF the salary is right, we may be moving. I have lots and lots of feelings about leaving Colorado and moving to the deep South, but that's a post for another day. If it's right for my husband career-wise, we're going to do it. We wouldn't have to be there forever, and it could be really cool.

Stay tuned...

XOXO

Image Credits: Gulf Coast MLS.com, Realtor.com

And thanks to Girl's Gone Child for the "House Hunters" post idea! :)

Good OB Appointment Today...And a Little "Babymoon!" :)

Ocean Springs, Mississippi...supposed to be a cool little arts community...I'm excited to check it out...

Hi Everyone!

So everything went just fine at my OB appointment this morning...yay! Last visit my OB said I could have a scan and find out the sexes at 20 weeks, which is in two weeks...today she was saying she didn't need to see me again until 22 weeks, but I begged and pleaded and she relented and said 20 weeks would work. I'm just so excited to find out the sex of the babies and I've had 20 weeks in my mind for the past month...really didn't want to wait any longer. Plus we wanted to know before Thanksgiving because the whole family is going to be at our house and we wanted to share the news (although my brother and dad don't want to know...want to be surprised at the birth...not sure how we're going to work that exactly but we're going to try.)

And...my husband and I are going on a little trip next week and I am so ridiculously excited! For years and years I have traveled a huge amount for both work and pleasure (100 to 150 days/year)...it's been really different to be staying home for the most part with this pregnancy and while it's been nice, travel feels so much more like my normal state of being. My husband has a job interview gulf coast Mississippi and I'm going to tag along. It's on the beach and not far from New Orleans, so it could be cool. (My husband is graduating next May and we may be moving for work for him...everything is so up in the air right now...anything could happen [including staying where we are] so just not that worried about it at the moment). Next weekend is also my husband's birthday, and I have cool hotels booked (in Ocean Springs, MS and Mobile AL, which is where we're flying in and out of)...I just think it's going to be fun to drive around and explore a new place, go to the beach, out for some nice meals, just have a little vacation, you know? It's just a long weekend, but it's going to be sooooooo cool! And this is probably the last time I'll be able to fly before the babies are born (I'm a little on the fence about flying even now, but my doctor says it's fine and I'm going to be really careful to stay hydrated and rest, etc.)

Anyone know that area and have any suggestions on places to eat/things to do etc.?

XOXO

Image Credit: city-data.com.

Grace in Small Things, October 10, 2011

Snow at my brother's, southwest of Denver. He lives where we grew up...so cool...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'll be doing my usual weekly pregnancy post tomorrow...today there's a lot of good things I want to share! :) I usually list small happinesses here, but some of today's are big:

1. Spent the night at my brother's Friday night (he lives in the foothills outside of Denver), and woke Saturday morning to snow. And I wasn't expecting it at all. I felt like a little kid...delighted...it was magical

2. My parents had two dogs, Jack and Comic. Comic died a short time ago, from a freak illness, which made my parents sooooo sad, but they kept saying, "At least we have Jack."

Well, they went on vacation and left Jack with my brother (who is amazing with dogs, by the way). About a week ago, Jack went missing. And he wasn't wearing a collar/any ID. My brother spent so much time last week, and my husband and I helped this weekend searching for him...ads online and in newspapers, flyers posted all over the place, checking the shelters, going door-to-door looking for him, etc., etc., etc. No luck.

It hit me hard when we checked into our Denver hotel Saturday...we were planning to have Jack with us as we were going to bring him home with us when we came back (we live near my parents, my brother is about 4 hours away from us). The hotel is super dog friendly and had a little chalkboard that said, "Welcome, Jack!" and a dog bed and dog dishes and treats in the room. But we had no dog to check in with. I was feeling so sad. I just couldn't imagine my parents losing BOTH their dogs in such a short time, you know? 

But today--finally--Jack has been found! Don't know the details, but so, so, so happy about that news! :)

(By the way, if you want to make yourself sad, go check out the lost-and-found rooms at your local animal shelter. So many, many sweet, hopeful dogs looking up at you and wagging their tails as you walk by...I hope most of them get found...)

3. Closed down a hip Denver restaurant with good friends of ours on Saturday night (after visiting the coolest little bar [I am of course drinking non-alcoholic beer and water these days, just FYI])...you know it's been a fun night when you suddenly notice it's just you and the wait staff (we left a big tip, BTW).

4. Foo Fighters Denver show last night. Absolutely lived up to my hopes for it (and my hopes were BIG). What an awesome night. They played until almost midnight and there was so much good energy, the crowd was great, the band was great, they played every song but one that I wanted to hear (and that one's pretty obscure, so not surprising). Made me so happy. 

5. Have I mentioned I'm feeling better?!? It's like I was living in black-and-white and the whole world is now Technicolor. I didn't realize how much I was struggling, how down I was feeling just because I was so sick 24/7. Not being sick like that has had a HUGE impact on my mood, how I'm feeling about being pregnant, and I'm feeling like I can handle actual babies (it's hard to picture being any good as a mother when you can barely get out of bed.) I'll talk more about the medication I'm on tomorrow, but bottom line is it has made such a HUGE difference...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

P.S. Courtney, I promise to post pictures of the aspens sometime this week. :)

Julieta

Me and my childhood friend Julieta, Bahia Kino, Mexico.

So when I was little, my grandparents used to live in Mexico in the winters, in a little, not-at-all-touristy town called Bahia Kino. Generally, poor Mexicans lived in the actual town ("Old Kino"), and Americans (including my grandparents) and rich Mexicans in a long row of houses strung along the beautiful sand beach ("New Kino"). 

I used to go down from a very young age (8 or 9) and spend a month or two there each winter. (The fact that I could miss a month or two of school had more to do with the quality of our school system vs my intelligence. I did bring my books and keep up.)

My grandpa had made friends with one of the families in Old Kino...a mom and dad and 15 or so kids living in a two-room dirt floor tar-paper shack. One of the daughters was close to my age, and my grandfather asked if she'd take me to school with her each day, and home to play after. She said yes. This is how I met Julieta.

The money/class distinction never bothered me, never even entered my mind, really, I think because I was in her (Julieta's) world day to day. I would have been lost without her. In the beginning, I didn't even speak the language (no one in Old Kino spoke a word of English). Plus my parents (and grandparents) had raised me to be very open-minded.

The way I remember Julieta and her family is happy. Loving. No one went hungry (in fact, the food is one of the things I remember most fondly from that time. Tortillas patted out by Julieta's mother, charred on top of a rusted oil barrel with a fire burning inside and then you went over to the enormous pot of beans and scooped out what you wanted to go with your tortillas...absolute heaven). Everyone had what they needed. They lived right by the sea in this idyllic little village. And they were so nice to me...I have never had people be nicer or more welcoming.

I went to Kino every year through high school, and then didn't go back for many years. Julieta married and had her babies while still a teenager, just like the rest of the girls. She moved to the big city, a house with tile floors, she and her husband running a little convenience store on a corner on the edge of the city, near the airport, where the roads are still dirt and rutted, not paved.

I've been back to visit a couple of times in the past few years, and it's been awesome. One cold winter afternoon on my first visit, Julieta and I curled up under the covers in her bed, a little Spanish-to-English dictionary between us (my Spanish has hugely atrophied), talked and sign-languaged about what had been going on in all the intervening years, laughed and cried and it was like no time had passed at all.

Other than my two fairly recent visits, it's been really hard to keep in touch with Julieta...phone calls and emails...the technology for some reason does not work for us consistently. But I'm writing about her today because yesterday we became Facebook friends (yay!), and I have high hopes that that is going to make it easier for us to keep in touch. 

Our backgrounds and lives could not be more different. But she is without a doubt one of the people in this world most dear to me.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

XOXO

FAQ Fridays: What Happened in Santa Barbara?

Santa Barbara from Cowell's Beach, July, 2011.

Those of you who've been following along for a little while may remember my trip to Santa Barbara a few weeks back. I've been meaning to talk more about what went on there, and today's the day.

So, what's the deal with you and Santa Barbara?

I first went there with my brother who died, the first surf trip we took down the California coast. It's so beautiful there...the mountains soaring up on one side, the Pacific on the other. My brother was in college when we did that trip, and it was love at first sight.

"Oh, man," he said. "As soon as I graduate, I'm moving here."

And he did.

How did you end up living there?

I was living in San Francisco, and came to visit my brother and surf all the time. He'd go to Alaska for the summers most years to work; one year when he came back he said to me, "Hey, why don't you move down to Santa Barbara with me? There's nothing keeping you in San Francisco. We'll get a house together. It'll be fun." So that's what we did. 

What was it like living there?

Living with my brother was amazing. We were really best friends, and a lot alike, and we just had so much fun. Surfing constantly. Barbeques with friends in the backyard. And he was in a band, so out to see all his shows. It was pretty idyllic. On the other hand, I was dealing with a pretty serious broken heart (as was my brother). And working too much (I mean really ridiculous hours). So good and bad.

When did your brother die?

A year and a half after I moved down. And it was totally sudden and unexpected. One morning he was saying, "Bye, love you, sis," on his way out the door to work, and by that evening he was dead.

What did you do after that happened?

I stayed in our house. I didn't really know what to do. Our friends took care of me.

What was it like?

It was awful being there after my brother had died. I was so heartbroken and lost. I totally quit surfing. Didn't work for months. I also met my now-husband a few months later, but he was working up in Alaska (had my brother's old job, which is how I met him), so I was still essentially alone.

When did you move away? Why did you move away?

About a year and a half after my brother died, I started to feel like I had to move. I wasn't really getting better, getting over my brother, like you're supposed to start doing...if anything, things were getting worse. And as things got more serious with my now-husband, we were wanting to be together. He had moved to Seattle, and I'd lived there before, and had good friends there, and was so sad in Southern California...everything reminded me of my brother. Moving seemed like the right thing. 

How was it?

Terrible. Leaving the beautiful town and the charming little house my brother and I had shared...it doesn't seem like leaving a place should be so hard, but it was just awful. I felt like I was abandoning my brother. I also felt like my life there had been taken away, never to be given back. I felt like I HAD to leave, like it wasn't a choice, and that's part of what I think made it so difficult.

How was Seattle?

I love Seattle, but moving from sunny Southern California to there in January (rain, clouds, darkness) was NOT a good idea. Plus I was still so upset about my brother...my now-husband and I moved again to Colorado six months later, for a number of reasons, but mostly so I could be around my remaining family, which he thought might help me (and it did).

Had you been back to Santa Barbara before this recent trip? How was it?

Yes, twice...once for my best friend's bridal shower weekend, and once for her wedding. I was the Maid of Honor, and was busy and focused on her, so it wasn't too bad. (There were actually lots of parts of those trips that were really, really lovely.) But it was HARD to go back, mostly I think because this place I absolutely loved felt so definitively off limits...like I may as well have been dead too for all it was possible to ever be there again.

Were you scared about going this summer?

A little. Mostly because I promised my husband that if we went I would be happy and make it a fun trip. Although if I HAD gotten upset it would have been OK...my husband just wanted me going there with a good mindset. But I wasn't sure how realistic it was for me not to end up sad.

So how was it?

You know, a really big shift happened. It was totally different.

What happened?

The first night we were there, we decided to walk down to the Pier for dinner. Most of the restaurants on the pier are mediocre tourist traps, but the Santa Barbara Shellfish Company on the end is so good and a place I used to go all the time. In fact, a few days before my brother died, we tried to go to dinner there, but they had just closed for the evening (they keep really random hours). I always wondered after if we had told them it was the last dinner out we'd ever have together, if they would have let us in. But of course we didn't know...

Anyway, my husband and I started walking, it was a beautiful night, warm and humid and State Street's so cool with its shops and restaurants and eclectic mix of people. My husband and I were holding hands and he said out of the blue, "Would you ever want to move back here? If you wanted to move back here, we could make it happen."

And with those words, all the hurt and pain and angst I've been carrying around with me surrounding Santa Barbara was gone. Just gone. All of a sudden, it wasn't a place I had to will myself not to love because I was never allowed to be there again. Instead, it became just a place I happen not to be living in right now, but could move to in the future if I wanted to. Just to clarify, it wasn't like my husband was giving me permission (our relationship's not like that), but more that he reminded me/opened my eyes to what was possible, you know? And also, I don't know how much this plays into it, but time has gone by, and I have gotten better, I have a life for myself now, vs when I left Santa Barbara and pretty much couldn't see any sort of future for myself.

And it's so weird, but there's such a relief in the feeling that Santa Barbara and me, we can be friends again. I'm no longer in exile. I'm not saying we're going to move to Santa Barbara, but the fact that we COULD...that it's not permanently taken away from me...it's just a huge shift for me.

So you weren't sad at all while you were there?

Really, no. I mean, there are things I know not to do. I can't go by the house where my brother and I lived. I can't go by the intersection where my brother was killed. (It would have been nice to leave flowers there, but I know I can't handle it. Just writing about it is upsetting me.) But being in Santa Barbara felt very different this time around, and for that I am grateful.

So I do't know if I've explained this very well...it's kind of hard for me to talk about anything that's gone on around me losing my brother...I read it and it sounds so over-the-top and drama queen-y, you know? But that's how it's been and I'm just trying to tell it for real.

Oh, and PS, if we ever were to go back, I would never try to recreate what my brother and I had. I know that's not possible. It'd be a new start to a new life.

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!

XOXO

A New Friend, Italian Food and the Sublime James McMurtry

An almost-full moon rising over the hills outside Paonia, Colorado.

So part of my strategy for dealing with the endless waiting associated with IVF is to plan some fun things vs spending all my time moping around the house. Last night, as part of that, we went to Hotchkiss and Paonia.

Hotchkiss was to visit with a new fried of ours (a lovely woman my husband met in film class last semester)...she lives in a little cottage with a view of mountains and sky, a wooden fence carved out in twigs and birds, a huge screened-in porch out back and a tiny cabin on the other side of a lush green lawn that if I lived there I'd turn into a writing studio. Plus the whole house is furnished with one-of-a-kind vintage everything, photographs, the picture she's currently painting on a easel...she had snacks for us and glasses of wine for my husband and it was lovely to be in her presence.

After, we drove the short distance to Paonia, which is a little hippie town at the base of the mountains that go up to Aspen. We had Italian food in an outdoor garden with hollyhocks and a burbling fountain, nicoise olives as dusk fell and then we went to the tiny Paradise Theater to see James McMurtry, whose music I've loved since I spent a couple years in Austin, Texas back in the '90s. He was at his best when it was just him and his red acoustic guitar, singing "Ruby and Carlos"...the whole place was just spellbound:

"Holding back the flood, just don't do no good

You can't unclench your teeth, to howl the way you should

So curl your lips around the taste of tears and hollow sounds

Than no one owns but you, no one owns but you."

There's so much pain in the world.

And so much beauty, too.

Santa Barbara Wedding Weekend!

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm happy to report that Santa Barbara was fun, fun, fun! (More later on how the pain I've felt being there in the past just slipped away.) A few pictures for you:

1) Our room at the fabulous Presido Motel, with funky stencils on the wall and colorful paper cranes hanging from the vaulted ceiling. If I ever open up a motel, I want it to be like this.

2) Me on the beach at Miramar...not a surf beach, but one of my favorite places to take dogs to run in the sand and splash in the surf.

3) A mosaic mural at Hendry's.

4) These houses right at water's edge...what a dream it would be to live like this...

5) Our absolutely gorgeous bride and her father at the wedding rehearsal. Love the dress, Jules...you look amazing! :)

6) The wedding was held in Alice Keck Park...so lush and green...it was absolutely perfect.

7) Our friends Dave and Mel after brunch the morning of the wedding.

8) The bride and groom at their reception, Carr Winery.

Such a fun, sunny, happy trip.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XOXO

Salt Lake City to Colorado, Day 15

The hills outside Salt Lake City are so lush and green right now.

Ahhhh...so happy to be home!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

XO

Boise to Salt Lake City, Day 14

This fountain's called "Flutter" and is made up of 10 or so of these jellyfish-like domes of water. If you put your hand in the water it's so soft and gentle...no force behind it at all.

We thought about driving all the way home today, but decided it'd be nicer to have one more day on vacation. Stayed at the Hotel Monaco in SLC, which was a splurge and such a treat (on the road we usually stay in cheap roadside motels). Walked around Temple Square, which is such a beautiful and peaceful place...the architecture! The gardens! The fountains! Then we had dinner at the hotel's restaurant and I had things I hopefully won't be able to have again for 10 months or so--things that are forbidden when you're pregnant like wine and soft cheeses and a tuna steak that was essentially rare. Nice to have a special dinner to say goodbye to those things. Also so nice to have an evening out alone with my husband...we've been with our best friends for the past two weeks and it's been amazing, but it's unusual for me and my husband not to have time alone. 

A five-hour drive tomorrow and then we're home...can't wait!

XO

Seattle to Boise, Day 13

A farm in Idaho, shortly before sunset.

Driving home today:

• Lots of beautiful farmland 
• High, high winds
• NPR on the radio (interspersed with pop music)
• Lunch in a restaurant with a 6-foot-high, 3D mosaic turtle
• Crossed the 45th parallel, which is exactly halfway between the equator and the north pole
• A huge arching rainbow, colors really intense

More tomorrow...

XO

Seattle, Day 12

The Seattle skyline from the Bremerton ferry.

Took a little day trip to the Olympic Peninsula today, out to Tahuya where my grandparents had a home for many years. Their house was right on the Hood Canal, and I came out every summer when I was a child. I used to pick blackberries and mushrooms and gather oysters for dinner with my grandfather. My grandmother used to sew me dresses. My grandpa used to take me on canoe rides after dinner. I learned to ride my bike on their sloping grass hill. I had vanilla ice cream with raspberries still warm from the vine after lunch every day. Such good memories.

The house is still there, although looking a little run down. The salty, grassy, pine tree smell is still there, too. The whole area looks about like it did when I was little...nice to see in a world full of perpetual change.

After, we took the ferry back to Seattle. The ferry's so fun.

Heading home today...we'll take two or three days to drive back, depending on how we feel. Sad to leave, but also anxious to get back to my puppies and routine...

XOXO

Seattle, Day 11

This is Lucy. Love, love, love this dog. Isn't she the cutest thing ever?

Slept in. Lounged with our friends' puppies, Lucy and Gibson. Got a little work done. Found a beautiful purple ruffly silk dress for the wedding I'm attending next week (and how fun to get to shop with my fabulously stylish friend!) Had Mexican food and margaritas at Mama's...yum. Viewed another epic slide show back at our friends' house (yesterday was our most recent vacation and their recent trip to Europe, today the vacation/wedding trip of mutual friends of ours).

We are having the best time...don't want it to end...

XO