I Feel Like I'm Pregnant...But That Scares Me... (And, of Course, Your Daily Dose of Anything that Could Possibly Be Interpreted as a Pregnancy Symptom)

A friend of mine sent me princess birthday candles last week...we used them on the cake my mom baked for my belated birthday dinner last night...too fun!

Two more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not.

My plan for Sunday is to go to my local blood draw lab early, get my blood drawn, wake up my husband a couple hours later, and then go together to the lab to get the results. (My clinic is out of town and really bad about calling me with results. Can't figure out if the lab is bad about sending them or my clinic is bad about receiving them. Once my clinic didn't even call with my beta results until the NEXT DAY...can you imagine? So I've made friends with everyone at my local lab and they happily hand over my results. Much less stressful than sitting by the phone all day waiting for a call that may not even come.)

Overall, I just kind of have this gut feeling that I'm pregnant. Which is great. Except when I HAVE been pregnant, I've been convinced that I'm not, so maybe it's a bad sign that I think that I am? Ah, the convoluted thinking that goes along with an IVF cycle...

As far as symptoms:

• Up twice last night to get a drink of water...yeah, definitely thirsty
• My husband says he thinks my boobs are bigger (although I'm not sure I agree)...but they do have really visible blue veins running underneath the surface, which I read somewhere is a pregnancy symptom, and I had this during the two week wait last cycle when I was pregnant. I'm also trying to decide if my boobs are starting to get more sensitive...maybe...but it's kind of hard to say...
• Again with the heavy feeling in my lower belly...like I'm going to get my period but I felt this when I was pregnant before (and it upset me because I was convinced that my cycle didn't work...but then it turned out that it had...)
• I keep waiting for some sort of implantation spotting, but there hasn't been any. You can be pregnant without implantation spotting, right?

I'll be blogging over the weekend...tomorrow with a symptom report and Sunday with my beta results. Cross your fingers for me!

XOXO

Image Credit: Target.

Living in the Moment (And the Ongoing 2WW Symptom Watch)

The roses in my garden are so beautiful this morning...

Hi and Happy Thursday!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who left comments and emailed me yesterday gently suggesting that I should try to live in the moment vs obsess about what I'll do if I'm not pregnant this cycle (especially since I've already got clear plans for our next step--another FET ASAP.) It was JUST what I needed to hear, and I have been/am planning a bunch of little things to keep me in the here-and-now...from last night's little retail therapy session (my new aviator sunglasses look so cool, and I can wear them even if I'm pregnant and huge), to washing and brushing our two dogs, to working on the purple-and-black-and-white 70s poncho I'm knitting (I'm having a total hippie/bohemian moment as far as clothes go lately), to a birthday dinner at my parents tonight, to getting some belated and about-to-happen wedding and birthday cards/gifts out to my friends, to sitting in rocking chairs in the shade with my husband playing a game of cribbage, etc. Doing all this stuff is good...it's helping me to feel better.

And, as far as things that could possibly be considered pregnancy symptoms:

• I've been tired (although my insomnia's back, so not sure if there's anything valid there) 
• And hungry
• And thirsty (had to get up in the middle of the night last night for a glass of water)
• Oh, and yesterday I was craving a burrito for lunch, and I clearly remember having a week or two when I was newly pregnant last time when all I wanted to eat was burritos
• Also little stomach cramps on and off yesterday
• And...I don't really know how to describe this...kind of an achy feeling in my belly...like you get when you're about to get your period, but I also remember having this feeling before when I was pregnant (although it could mean my period is on its way...who knows?)

Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta.

XO

What Happens if I'm Not Pregnant?

If we don't end up with children think of all the traveling we can do. We could even live abroad, which could be really cool. Bilbao, Spain is high on my list of places to see...

Four more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. It's starting to get hard. I've been thinking about the future...what we'll do if I'm not pregnant. My husband and I have talked in snippets about this, but this is really my list (not ours) at this point:

• We have some more frozen embryos, and I'd like to do another FET right away. After that I'm not sure what I've got left in me. I'd like to use up all our embryos, but I'm getting so worn down by this process. One thing is for sure: once the embryos are gone, we are DONE with medical interventions.
• Adopting an infant is a possibility. Adoption scares me though as I know almost nothing about it at this point. I'm totally fine with having a child that is not biologically related to us. I'm pretty fine about not going through a pregnancy (and I can definitely get to a place where I'm fine with it). I'm scared about the process and what it's going to take out of us emotionally. I'm scared of the wait, which from what I understand could be long. I don't really care the gender or race of the baby, or whether we do this domestically or internationally (although my gut preference is for domestic). I think if I knew more about the process I would be less scared, but I just don't feel like I can go through IVF and figure out adoption at the same time...
• Adopting an older child/children. This is something my husband and I have talked about a little. I think it would be great to adopt siblings. This feels like the easiest/best route, although it would be hard not to get to go through the younger stages of a child's life. And I know there are dangers with this...older children who get put up for adoption by definition haven't had an easy time of it. Are we equipped to handle it?
• Or, we could decide to be a family of two. There'd be so much more time and money to travel, for me to write, for us to build our dream house, for us to retire young, etc., etc., etc. Except I can't stop thinking we can do all those things with children. And, I don't know, I'm just having a hard time picturing my life without any children in it. But I'm really not sure anything else is going to be possible.

Ugh...I thought writing this would help me feel better--to look and see that I have choices--but instead, it just feels overwhelming. A little down today. Didn't sleep well last night. No pregnancy symptoms to report, really. I'm just feeling so exhausted and sad about all of this...

XO

Image credit: rahego.

What I'm Reading (And the Obsessive 2WW Symptom Watch)

I've read some really good books lately, after not being able to get into much of anything all spring. Here's what I've recently been reading (or in some cases, trying to read):

• Go Tell it on the Mountain, James Baldwin. The writing here is just spectacular. And the way the story was put together...sublime. It's about a black boy in Harlem in the early part of last century, flashing back to other adult family members and how they got to be where they got to be. It's also strongly about religion, a theme which I'm not that interested in, but again...the writing was so incredible...once I was done I wanted to start again right away.
• Half a Life, Darin Strauss. This is a memoir by a man who killed one of his classmates in an accident while he was in high school. It's a quick read...I was done within twenty-four hours. Again, incredible writing, and a really interesting construction, with snippets related to the accident told in chronological order but no real narrative like you generally think of books having. It absolutely works, though. This was incredibly sad but incredibly moving to read. The author is so incredibly honest, that's what I love most. It also gave me a solid idea of how to change the ending to something of my own I've written, where I've never really felt like the ending was quite right.
• The Collected Stores of F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read this book the summer after my Freshman year in college, when I was on the East coast living with a huge Italian family in New Jersey (one of my friends in the dorm had brought me home with her). A great summer, but talk about a culture shock! Loved the writing and the stories then, but could only get about halfway through this time...funny how things you read touch you differently at different points in your life...I think the characters just feel a little too young and frivilous to me now. One thing I thought was really funny...you know how everyone is saying with the Internet and cable and social media and video games kids/teenagers/young adults these days have no attention span? Well, Fitzgerald was saying the exact same thing about the youth of the 1920s...
• Elvis and Me, Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. I love Elvis. I spent a lot of time with my dad's parents growing up and my Grandpa played Elvis for me all the time, so it's such a nostalgic thing for me. This book read like a long US Weekly article...fun! Priscilla was so young when she met Elvis (she was 14, he in his early 20s, I believe). And he had such old-fashioned Southern ideas about a woman's place...that the world revolved around the man and the woman needed to do as she was told. My late father-in-law, whom I adored, by the way, had the same outlook on life...how my progressive, let's-do-everything-together-I-don't-mind-splitting-things-50/50 husband came out of that household, I'll never know
• Letters of E.B. White. These letters are lovely. This is a glimpse into a literary life, and a very egalitarian marriage. I'm only about halfway through...it's a very slow and quite book...I think I'll keep it on my bedside table and read a few letters at a time until I'm finished.

Anyone have any reading recommendations for my next stack of books?

And in other news, since I've decided to embrace obsessing about pregnancy symptoms, here's today's report:

• Oh, Lord, it was hard to get out of bed this morning. So tired. I got a pretty good night's sleep, too. Tired all day, actually, napping again this afternoon...
• Also so thirsty upon waking...but that could easily have been due to the huge hamburger my husband made me for dinner last night... 
• I have kind of this calm feeling that I'm pregnant...with this little undercurrent of knowing that it's certainly possible that I'm not...and I don't want to find out that I'm not...ugh, I am so incredibly tired of dealing with disappointment...

Hope everyone has a lovely Tuesday! :)

XOXO

HPT With IVF (And 2WW Symptom Watch)

Happy Monday Everyone!

So the question on my mind this week of course (because I'm in the 2 week wait [2WW] with my latest round of IVF) is whether or not to use a home pregnancy test (HPT).

Pros:

• You can potentially find out earlier than your blood test if you're pregnant, thus eliminating some of the pain of waiting
• You can have some control over the process

Cons:

• You can be pregnant and get a negative result
• The HPT coming up negative can cause severe emotional distress (at least it can for me)
• You have to deal with the disappointment of the negative HPT, and then the call from your doctor with bad news, instead of dealing with things just once

My second and maybe third (I can't really remember) IVFs I used HPTs. I was pregnant both times, but the tests always came back negative (the pregnancies were chemical pregnancies, though, which meant they weren't going to last...if I'd tested the time I got pregnant and didn't lose the baby right away, I probably would have gotten a positive result.) Each day I tested. Each day it came back negative. Each day I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean, sobbing and screaming on the bathroom floor, which couldn't have been good for the baby/ies, you know? I'm emotional to start with, but with the drugs on top of it...and how high the stakes were...

As tempting as the HPT is, I don't think I'm going to do it. I do better when I don't do it. But mostly, if there's a baby/ies in there, I want to protect them form me getting so upset. I can make it to Sunday.

All of you going through fertility treatments...what do you do as far as HPT? Am I the only one who can't deal?

In other news, let's obsess over possible pregnancy symptoms, shall we? My first 3 IVF cycles I wasn't blogging and didn't write anything down anywhere, and my last cycle I didn't really document as I was trying not to obsess. But now I wish I had a record of what symptoms appeared when. And so:

• Yesterday I felt some slight cramping/pinching in my abdomen...maybe implantation? (Yesterday was 2 days post transfer of what I think were 6-day embryos [possibly 5])
• And, I had to lay down and take a nap in the afternoon, which is not like me (and I've FINALLY started sleeping at night again, so it's not being tired from insomnia)

I know it's really too early for symptoms. Stay tuned...

XO

Transfer Today

A groggy, valium-y hello from the bed rest position! (My clinic gives you valium the day of the transfer, and requires 2 days of bed rest after.)

Two embryos thawed perfectly this morning, according to my RE. He said they looked great, and the transfer went really well.

Pregnancy test on 7/31.

Came home and ate lots of pineapple, just in case it helps with implantation.

Have slept most of the day.

Feeling really good about things.

And now, we wait.

XO

Dear Birthday Snowbabies

Dear Birthday Snowbabies (AKA the two frozen embryos that are being transferred tomorrow, two days after my birthday):

It's so weird to think that today may be the last day ever that you are not a tangible part of our lives. If this FET works, you'll be back with me tomorrow, and be meeting us as beautiful baby/ies next spring.

Please thaw.

Please stick around (so that an actual pregnancy is established, and next April-ish we have actual baby/ies).

We're so excited to have you in our lives. We've been trying to stay neutral after all the chemical pregnancies and the miscarriage we've been through, but it's hard not to get excited.

We've been talking about names.

Your daddy's been talking about how the fact that you've been in the freezer for the past 6 months means you're going to be immune to the cold (maybe little snowboarders are in our future? There's nothing I'd like more than to be up on the mountain with you. I'll show you all my secret spots.)

We've been discussing philosophical questions, such as if you end up being same-sex or identical twins, and we have two names picked out, how do we determine who gets which name when you're born?

I'm always hated having embryos outside my body...I want my babies with me...I will be soooo happy to have you back tomorrow. I hope none of this process has been traumatic for you.

Trust me, you want to come be with us. We're going to be such a good, happy family, have such a good, happy life.

XOXO

Love,

Your Mommy

Image Credit: AMagill.

IVF: Keeping Track of Medications

Hi Everyone!

Today I thought I'd do a little post on how I keep track of all the medications I have to deal with during an IVF cycle. I'm sure there are lots of great ways to do this, but what's worked for me is making a table each week with each thing I need to take in the appropriate time slot (see above). I leave space for doctor's appointments and other things I need to note, too. I cross medications off as I take them, so I know I'm on schedule. (My big fear with IVF is that I'm going to do something wrong and screw up the whole cycle. This helps me make sure that I don't do that.)

Anyway, figured this might be helpful to someone...

In other news, feeling a bit better than I have been.

Also, had my hormone levels checked at my clinic yesterday, and everything looks perfect for Friday. :) Can't wait for Friday to get here...

XO

FET Update: Side Effects, Side Effects, And More Side Effects

Hi Everyone, and happy Monday!

Here's the latest:

• Lining check on Saturday and I'm told everything looks great! Yay! A doctor I've never met did the check (the on-call doc in my local OB's practice), and once she looked at my history she kept saying, "You're so brave. How have you managed to do all this and still keep your sanity? I could never do what you're doing." In some ways it felt good for all that I have done to be acknowledged, in other ways it just kind of feeds this fear I have that I'm kind of getting to my physical/emotional limit in terms of what I can do with medical interventions...have been feeling this very acutely over the past week or so...trying hard not to think beyond this current procedure...
• Blood draw this weekend too, and my estrogen is low. The patches I had Friday/Saturday weren't sticking great, though (never had that happen before), but I didn't get to explain that to anyone (communication with my clinic can be difficult, especially on the weekends), and they added oral estrogen so now I'm worried my estrogen will be too high as the patches I put on this morning (Sunday/Monday patches) are sticking great 
• Traveled to Denver area Sunday and will be here until after transfer/bed rest, returning home next Sunday. Staying with my brother a little ways up into the mountains, which is lovely
• I feel like I am just being bowled over by side effects this cycle. I've never done an FET, always fresh cycles, and I've never written down the details on how a cycle is going, but I just don't remember things being this bad in the past. In addition to the moodiness/irritability/anxiety I've been writing about, I'm also dealing with big-time insomnia (it's 3:30 AM as I write this, and I have a day full of conference calls tomorrow, plus a doctor's appointment at my clinic, which is an hour each way from my brother's, ugh...I SO need some sleep!) Headaches, too. Also joint pain that's been going on for a while...has anyone else had this happen? It's all over my body and it's so bad...I think it's a big part of the reason I can't sleep. I feel like a hot bath would help, but I'm not allowed to take baths. Tylenol may help, too, but I can't find any here at my brother's and am hesitant to take it anyway...need to ask my nurse about it tomorrow...

Anyway, sorry to complain (again)...hoping I'll start to feel better/more positive soon. Actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of what's going on is related to Lupron, which I finished with over the weekend...fingers crossed that once that's out of my body I'll start doing better...

Really Struggling

*WARNING* This is a very negative post..feel free to skip and check back on Monday, when I'll have news on how my lining check went over the weekend.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and relaxed during this cycle, but today I need to vent.

I feel terrible.

Physically just tired and heavy...I'm so sick of my body not being my own. In my break between the miscarriage and this cycle I lost some weight, but I didn't want to do any heavy-duty dieting as I wanted to make sure not to deplete my body of nutrients...if I don't get pregnant this cycle though I swear I'm going to really push to lose some weight...I mean right away...

Also not being able to hike or go to yoga is driving me crazy...feeling so cooped up.

And the physical challenges are nothing compared to what's going on emotionally. I'm SO touchy and cranky, don't want to be around anyone, don't want to do anything, am hating my job at the moment and my job is fine, am not able to concentrate and write. And my husband and I usually never fight, but when I'm on these drugs it's a struggle for both of us not to get angry with each other and I know it's because I'm acting crazy.

Like we were at the grocery store last night, and he didn't have any ideas for what to get for dinner and that made me so angry, which is ridiculous. I wanted to scream at him in the store:

"I'm on drugs! I need help! I need you to take care of me! How dare you expect me to figure out what to have for dinner!"

But thankfully, I refrained. Still, I was pouty, which made him annoyed, which made me even madder...you get the idea. We ended up back home ordering a pizza and letting it all go, but this sucks. Things like this never happen when we're leading our normal lives.

And I'm trying to get out (and feel really good when I do)...I have a few things planned for next week but generally don't want to see anyone because I feel so fat and moody and yuccy...

And then I'm not sleeping well, and there's just this constant hum of anxiety...

How do other people do this? I feel like I'm the only one falling apart like this.

I'm picturing comments in response to this post along the lines of: "You're so ungrateful. You're so lucky you get to do an FET. You don't deserve to be a mother because you aren't willing to make sacrifices for your baby."

But I will do anything to have a baby. Anything. I think the problem is this is my 5th time going through an IVF cycle and in my experience there's no baby associated with this...it's all for nothing.

I always thought the limiting factor in all this would be the money and the embryos we have for future FETs (we won't go through another full IVF cycle). Now I'm thinking my ability to handle all this emotionally may be what ends all this for us. I'm so tired and worn down from all this. Not sure how much more of this I can do.

Ugh...I'm not even to the two week wait yet.

Thanks for indulging me...

XO

FET Update: Anxious and Cranky, But Things Are Generally Good

Wanted to post a little update on how everything's going with my FET:

• Ugh...the drugs. Feeling really anxious and cranky since returning from my trip and I know it's the drugs so trying to just ride it out...also think the fact that I can't get a good workout in has a lot to do with it as that is where I normally turn for stress relief (my clinic doesn't want me sweating at all because of the patches, and I can't get any sort of decent workout in without sweat, so...)
• Tired too, but as much as I want to blame that on the drugs, I think it has more to do with the fact that some of my Santa Barbara friends are super young, and we had some late nights trying to keep up with those guys. :) Plus a 3 AM wakeup call Sunday morning to make a 7 AM flight out of LAX...
• Traveling with meds was fine, by the way. I had a little red cooler and ice packs and a doctor's note which I didn't even need. Sailed through airport security...no one even batted an eye. Stuck the meds in the fridge at the hotel. Also, I ended up not needing a blood draw while traveling...my clinic said it was fine to wait until Monday
• Had my first blood draw and my hormone levels are right where they should be...yay!
• Only four more days of shots! Yay!
• Lining check and another blood draw on Saturday
• Over to Denver (where my clinic is) for the week starting Sunday
• Ten days to transfer! Yay, yay, yay! I am so ready!

So overall everything's good. My whole life feels like it's on hold until beta day, though. Wish I could keep things more normal through this process, but not feeling like myself and not being able to exercise at all and not feeling like I can concentrate on anything so reading and writing are out. Trying to figure out things I can do to pass the time and actually enjoy this beautiful summer, vs wishing the next days and weeks away, you know?

XO

Mr. Fuzzles

Mr. Fuzzles, the yeti (and our future child's first toy).

So on our vacation, my husband and I did something we've never done before: buy something for our future child. We were at Whistler, and my husband thought the stuffed yetis (one of the mascots for the 2010 Olympics) were adorable.

"We can get one if you want, hon," I said to him. "It's hopeful, right?"

"Yeah," he said. "And like bribery. We haven't tried bribery yet. I'll rub it on your tummy during the two week wait and say 'hey little baby, stick around, we've got super fun toys for you...'"

So we bought the yeti, which my husband promptly named Mr. Fuzzles.

He's on the shelf in our bedroom now, all ready for the two week wait...

XO

FET Update

Baby birds over at my mom and dad's. They're so cute...they sit there with their mouths open waiting for their mom to come back with something to eat.

Here's the latest as far as what's going on with my FET:

• About 2 1/2 weeks to go until transfer! Yay!
• Lupron has not been fun. Insomnia. General moodiness (work stuff irritates me vs me being able to let it roll off my back. My husband says I'm hyper-sensitive around him...poor guy). Serious anxiety about things both relevant and ridiculous. Ugh
• Started the estrogen patches today...yay for another step in the process!
• We're flying to California next week with Lupron, which has to be refrigerated...that's going to be a minor challenge. Also, I need to get blood drawn while I'm in Santa Barbara...need to figure out the logistics for that...I'm sure it's no big deal...
• I'm worried about some things my clinic has told me not to worry about, like will the embryos thaw? (This is my first FET.) I have a friend who did an FET and many of her frozen embryos did not make it through the thaw. But I'm a different person at a different clinic, and my clinic says not to worry, so I'm trying to put the thought out of my mind. Also worried that my lining won't be OK, although my lining has never been an issue
• My general state of mind is good overall. Actually, I oscillate between two states: 1) That I am going to get pregnant this cycle, no problem (and I keep thinking about twins...) and 2) That this is never going to work for me, all the years and money and strain on our marriage and strain on my body and tons of extra hours worked to pay for all this are going to be for nothing, it's just torture we have to go through for no reason, and can we please just hurry up and get this (meaning this FET and the ones to potentially follow...we're not doing any other medical interventions once our frozen embryos are gone) over with so I can have my body and my life back? Trying hard to stay in State #1, but late at night State #2 sometimes creeps in...
• I'm glad we went on the trip we just went on (and also we are going away for a long weekend next weekend)...I feel really relaxed and because I got pregnant last IVF, I'm trying to replicate the steps involved there, which included a vacation, eating in a really balanced manner (more [healthy] carbs than I generally want to eat), a massage a couple of days before transfer, etc. Even though I miscarried last round, I just kind of have this superstitious feeling that if I do everything the same, I'll get pregnant again
• Trying hard to stay calm, calm, calm...so far, so good...

Vancouver, Day 7...And I Start Lupron Today!

Vancouver buildings at night...

Happy Friday Everyone!

We're spending the next few days in Vancouver, a city I haven't been to since I was a teenager. It's spectacularly beautiful up here, so lush and green and mountains and water everywhere and in the city itself has such beautiful architecture, such an interesting mix of old and new buildings.

Drove up from Seattle yesterday with my husband and his best friend, checked into our downtown hotel, and then spent the rest of the afternoon/evening wandering around a few sections of the city. We:

• Browsed in an Indian art gallery, where there was a bird mask I really wanted to buy--red and white and black with a big beak and a tongue sticking out and a raffia-like substance for hair--my husband said it was too scary (and too expensive)
• Checked out the incredibly cool furniture in the sleek modern furniture stores in the Gastown neighborhood 
• Watched the old-fashioned grandfather-like steam-powered clock that chimed on the quarter hour...so charming...
• Had beers at a little Irish Pub with big, comfortable, cushion-y chairs...it was like sitting in someone's living room...lovely...
• Ate what was seriously one of the best meals of my life at Nuba, Lebanese cuisine in this hip little underground space. I want to go back, but it would be a shame not to explore more of Vancouver's restaurants...

And in fertility-related news...I've been doing OK on the hormones in the birth control pills I'm taking, although earlier in the week I puked for no reason (probably unrelated, but on the other hand, I never puke) and I've been feeling a little moody (not too bad) and worn down (not sleeping great...also probably unrelated). AND, today I start Lupron shots! Not looking forward to those, but it's one step closer to the transfer...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

XO

HSC and HCG Today

Hysteroscopy (HSC) #3 this morning...wow, that hurt...don't know why #2 was no big deal, and my first and third ones were so awful. Hope I never have to have that done again.

But, good news: Everything looks good in there (nothing left from the miscarriage), so no need for another D&C...so relieved. Had blood drawn for another HCG, too, and it is FINALLY below 5 (they would not have let my cycle go ahead had it been above 5). So these two things together mean my cycle is a go! AND that we can go on vacation instead of having to stick around Denver for more procedures.

So tired right now...late to bed last night, as we went to a baseball game (so fun!), and then an 8:30 AM appointment, then a 4 1/2 hour drive home (although my husband drove), and I didn't take the day off work so calls in the car and now I've got a presentation and emails etc. I should have taken the day off, but apparently I think I'm superwoman. Exhausted from all the travel and the valium they gave me for the HSG...just want to curl up on the couch, eat Chinese, watch TV...

So very, very glad for all the good news today! This is the first day in a while I feel like a baby is again a possibility for us...

XO

Medication Starts Today...And Yay! My Appointment Does Not Have to Be Rescheduled

Happy Monday Everyone!

Today I start birth control pills for my FET cycle. So happy that things are actually officially getting started! Also bummed that this is the start of what will hopefully be months of medication (assuming I get pregnant I'll be on drugs through the first trimester)...one of the hard parts about all this for me is all the drugs I feed into my body...makes me feel like I'm not myself. The little breaks from the drugs between cycles have always been such a relief, and now my break is over...

Another bit of good news this AM...I get to keep my appointment tomorrow and don't have to reschedule it (which I thought I might have to because of how they counted cycle day 1)...this is huge, as my clinic is out of town, and I am sooooo anxious to get home. They're doing an HSC to see if the medication I took last week did its' job as far as cleaning out what was left over from my miscarriage...I so hope it worked (although I have a sneaking suspicion that it didn't, as this has been an incredibly easy and light period)...really don't want to do another D&C...

Will report back tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XO

So Frustrated With My Clinic...And It's So Hard to Make Plans With Fertility Stuff Going On...

I don't think I'm that high-maintenance of a patient...I don't know, maybe I am...but anyway, my nurse said to call or email on cycle day (CD) 1 and they would give me my calendar/let me know next steps for my FET (tentatively scheduled for July 22). This is my first time doing an FET, so I need some guidance. My period started late last night (which I thought would make yesterday CD1), so I emailed this morning and asked that they contact me.

Nothing.

I know it's the weekend...and I don't need much...I just need to know: do I need to start taking some sort of medication today?

After hours, I called the after-hours line and the nurse I got said, "You don't have a calendar? You don't have instructions? Do you know what protocol you're on?" No to all three.

The after-hours nurse told me that since I got my period late in the day yesterday that TODAY, not yesterday, is CD1. And I don't need to start birth control pills until CD3. So that's good.

But I'm so frustrated by the lack on communication on the part of my clinic. I've been working with them for a year and a half and I picked them partly because they're in Colorado, where I live (although I live 4 hours away), and partly because they have phenomenal success rates. We have frozen embryos that we're going to do FETs with, and then we are done as far as medical procedures. I don't really want to leave my clinic because I feel like the medical care there is amazing, but it's hard to get them on the phone, I'm left in the dark a lot I feel, and no one holds my hand or comforts me or gives me support (with a few rare exceptions). If I could do this all over again, I think I would do better at a clinic where they hold your hand a little more...or at least you know they'll get back to you when they say they will and you don't have to call the emergency after-hours line to get answers from someone who doesn't know you and can't understand why you haven't been informed already.

Also, CD1 being today may mess up our whole schedule...we're over in Denver hoping to leave after my appointment which is supposed to be CD5...which was supposed to be Tuesday...but now CD5 may be Wednesday and we're supposed to drive to the West coast to meet friends on Thursday, which give us no time to get home and pack...but if the appointment on CD5 goes bad we can't go on vacation anyway...

Ugh...it's so hard to make any sort of plans with this going on. This comes first, but still, I'm trying to keep my life as normal as possible while this is going on...

This will all be worth it. This will all be worth it. This will all be worth it.

XOXO

Cytotec Update...And a Sweet Comment from my Husband

Bottom line: Cytotec's not that bad. I took it around 5 PM yesterday and I had a lot of cramping yesterday evening...on a scale of 1 to 10 probably about a 5 or 6 for the pain factor. Nothing a big glass of wine and a heating pad couldn't help. Today, especially this morning, a little achy and crampy and overall just drained, but nothing too bad. No bleeding...my period's supposed to start tomorrow so we'll see how that goes...

Snuggling with my husband this morning, he said, "You've given up so much to have this baby for us." It was such a sweet thing to say. I HAVE given up a lot and been through so very much (as has he)...it's nice for that to be acknowledged. There's so much I want to do that because of all this I don't have the time/energy/money to do...

In the end it will all be worth it. I just have to keep believing that.

XO

Cytotec: What to Expect

So today's the day we start the process of trying to get what's left over from my miscarriage out of my body. Been dreading this, but also anxious to get the show on the road as far as getting my body ready for next steps, you know?

It's almost 5 PM and I've just stuck 800 mg Cytotec inside me. Don't really know what to expect...my clinic didn't tell me anything, and I checked Dr. Google and all I can find is information about using this drug to clear an entire miscarriage out, which sounds pretty bloody and painful from how other people describe it, but I've already had a D&C, so I don't think this'll be too bad. I hope it won't be too bad. But I've arranged things so that I can be mellow (or even stay in bed) in the coming days if need be.

I have an appointment in Denver Tuesday to see if this (the drug) worked. If not, it's another D&C (and my summer vacation to the West coast will probably have to be cancelled. Which will suck. But babies come first.)

I've been feeling down at times since getting back from my trip a couple days ago...I don't know if it's just garden-variety PMS, or feeling sad about the miscarriage. (I've actually been willing myself not to calculate how many weeks pregnant I'd be right now, but I know it's about the time we would have found out the sex of the baby, and God I wish I was all round and cute and pregnant right now, vs fighting to lose the IVF/baby weight I gained so I can start at a better baseline when I start taking drugs again, which is going to be sometime in the next few days. God this weight's been hard to lose.) Or maybe I'm just melancholy because I didn't get enough time away from work, I don't know. 

Fingers crossed this drug does its job. I'll report back with what it's like tomorrow. Already starting to feel a little weird and crampy. Anyone else been through this and have any advice on what to expect?

XO

FAQ Fridays: FET Update

Medicine for my FET arrived today...a bigger box than I was expecting...

So, what's happening?

As many of you know, I'm getting ready to (hopefully!) do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in July.

Is this your first FET?

Yes, but there's been a lot of other stuff leading up to this point.

What have you had to do to get ready?

I've done a lot in the past two weeks, from scheduling/going to doctor's appointments, working with the nurses at my clinic to get my FET schedule put together/figured out and order all sorts of medications, getting records faxed from my local doctors to my clinic, paying for the procedure...it's been a lot. At times it's felt like a full-time job. I'm also doing lots of stuff every day (eating right, exercise, etc) to get as healthy and happy as possible before the procedure starts.

What's next?

Here's the breakdown of what's going to be happening over the next few weeks:

• Week of May 30: Aside from one doctor's appt., hoping to be blissfully free of anything fertility-related
• Week of June 6th: Take medication to hopefully expel whatever's left over from my miscarriage. Ugh...does not sound like fun. The day I start my period is officially Day 1 of the process. Start FET drugs
• Week of June 13: Back to Denver to see if the medication worked (another hysteroscopy). If it didn't work, another D&C. Hopefully I can continue with the FET if this happens, but I'm not sure. Just hoping right now that it's not necessary. FET drugs continue...
• Week of June 20: HCG testing...this is the hormone they usually test to see if you're pregnant...it has to be below 5 and mine last week was 7...if it's not below 5 at this check I guess everything gets stopped. FET drugs continue
• Week of June 27: FET drugs continue
• Week of July 4: FET drugs and lab work
• Week of July 11: FET drugs and lining check (to make sure my uterus is looking hospitable)
• Week of July 18: FET drugs, lab work and transfer day that Friday!

How are you feeling?

Excited. Grateful that we get to do this.

On the other hand, I'm really tired of dealing with medical stuff...trying to get pregnant has in a lot of ways taken over my life, and I'm struggling with that. Just worn down from it. Trying hard to keep everything as normal as possible in the midst of all this.

What else do you have to do to get ready?

I think I'm as ready as I can be...at this point, just need to show up on the appointed days for the appointed things and pray, pray, pray that I get pregnant again, and this time get to keep the baby/ies.

Hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend!

XO