Pregnancy: Week 11

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'm 12 weeks pregnant today...so crazy. Actual babies are starting to seem like a very real possibility.

Here's how Week 11 has been:

• Really bad nausea at the beginning of the week, getting better towards the end (not gone, but not awful 24/7...hoping we're on the upswing as far as this sickness is concerned)
• Tired and sleeping a lot
• My belly keeps getting bigger...I'm not even supposed to be showing yet...can't imagine how I'm going to end up...
• I've gained 8 pounds so far...almost half of that in the past week. (Which is weird, because I haven't been eating any differently. So why no weight gain at all for the past 3 weeks, and then some gain all at once?) My goal is 20 pounds in the first 20 weeks...I think I'm doing pretty well, especially since food has not been at all attractive to me (although the nausea usually goes away for a little while after I eat...there is that benefit)

Oh, and for all of you out there who are cycling/about to cycle, I have some meds left over I'd love to send to someone (don't want to sell them, just want to donate to the cause). Email me (upper right corner of my blog) if you can use this stuff and I'll ship it out to you. First come/first served. Here's what I have: 

• Endometrin 100 mg 1 1/2 boxes (21 inserts/box)
• Vivelle dot 0.1 mg/day (4 1/2 packs, 8 patches per pack)

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XO 

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

11 Weeks 5 Days

11 weeks 5 days pregnant today...the day we found out last spring our baby girl had died (we lost our baby at 9 weeks, but it was a missed miscarriage, so we didn't know what had happened until a couple weeks after the fact).

Feeling sad about that lost baby today...I would have been due with her in just over a month...I so wish I was about to have that baby.

Looking at it from a different angle (that of my current pregnancy), everything after today is new territory. Feeling lucky and grateful to have made it this far. Hoping these babies go all the way.

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 10

I think the bump's about the same size as last week. It's weird, my belly feels so much bigger than it looks...

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 11 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's how the past week has been: 

• The nausea is still awful. Worse, if anything. This is going to get better soon, right?
• Super exhausted, too
• And headaches. Tylenol takes care of them, but trying to minimize my Tylenol usage
• Sore boobs that seem to be growing, and my belly feels like it's getting bigger every day
• My fear of miscarriage has pretty much gone away, thank goodness. So grateful for that
• Super emotional this past week...cry at pretty much anything, happy or sad
• Feeling a little sad that I am not liking being pregnant more than I am. I always thought that when I was pregnant I would love it, but it pretty much feels like a bad hangover 24/7, and I am not feeling the pregnancy bliss like I want to AT ALL. I keep telling myself the goal is (and always has been) children, not pregnancy in and of itself, so it's OK if I don't love with a capital L pregnancy. I don't know, I'm hoping in the second trimester those blissful feelings will kick in. And even though I'm not loving being pregnant, I am sooooo unreservedly thrilled about and grateful for the babies. So glad this is happening. Happy, so happy, to bear it, just wish I was ENJOYING it, you know? I feel bad saying this, but it's the truth, so...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XO

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

It's Time to Meet the Babies! :)

OMG, I am so excited to post a picture of our babies! My husband didn't want me to post earlier ultrasounds because he was afraid of me miscarrying, but I think we are both for the most part moving beyond that fear...

Hi Everyone!

So besides my first picture here of the babies (!), lots of good news today:

• Babies are both looking good...we even saw the one on the right move on the ultrasound this morning...I'd never seen that before...it was AMAZING!
• My labs came back OK today I think...the numbers are a little lower than Friday, but that makes sense since they took me off all meds, right? I'll update with what my clinic thinks when I hear from them. (Estradiol 1470 Friday, 1399 today; Progesterone 33.2 Friday, 26.1 today.)
• I think at this point I'm going to go a whole month before my next doctor's appt/blood work, which is so wild. I have been in and out of doctor's offices pretty much constantly for almost 2 years...
• My OB told me this morning she's been thinking I'm 12 years younger than I actually am...gotta love it. :) (She's only been my doctor for a few months, but we've interacted socially in the past, as I'm freinds with her husband...small town.) She also told me after caring for 2 infants my age will probably catch up with me, but I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that part...

Hope everyone's having a great week! 

XOXO

Update on 2011-09-13 22:38 by Buttercup

CCRM (my clinic) just called and said my labs look awesome and I have officially "graduated!" At which point I promptly burst into tears. Still crying...I can't believe this is actually happening...I just can't believe it...

Pregnancy: Week 9

 The debut of the baby bump! :)

Hi Everyone!

I'm 10 weeks pregnant today! Yay!

A little about Week 9:

• Week 9 was an extremely emotional week, as it's the week when I miscarried my last pregnancy (although we didn't find out until 11 weeks). Lots and lots of fear. Now that Week 9 is over, I am feeling so much better.
• Nausea (still really bad), check. Everything smells like crazy, check. Belly's getting bigger, check. Boobs are big and sore, check. Not sleeping great, check.
• I've been getting up to pee like 5 times a night. Annoying.
• I had my first must-have-this-food-immediately-send-husband-to-the-grocery-store-late-at-night craving. What I wanted: Lemonheads.
• I got weaned completely off the fertility drugs this past week. One final lab check tomorrow to make sure everything's OK. So exciting!
• I'm pretty much 100% in maternity clothes at this point...ahhhh...so comfortable! I just got basic jeans-and-tank-tops kind of stuff (really appreciating the fact I work from home...nice not to have to worry about dressy, work-appropriate clothes). I also got a bunch of $3 non-maternity sweaters at Goodwill...this way I won't care if they get stretched out. And, how psyched am I that ponchos are in style right now? They seem like they'll be perfect.

Ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow...will keep you all posted!

XOXO

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Pregnant and Scared

12: 45 PM

God, this is so incredibly hard. Not being able to sleep wondering if everything is OK with the babies. Waking up every day wondering if things are OK with the babies. Knowing I might not know if things are going wrong with the babies. Checking each time I go to the bathroom for blood. Wondering if the discomfort in my abdomen is something I ate or signs of miscarriage.

Hard to work. Hard to concentrate. Hard to have any sort of normal life. 

I can't get excited about being pregnant or having babies, except in tiny little bursts that I try to push aside, because this could all be taken away at any second, and I've never felt this way before, but I just feel like if something happens, this is it, I can't do any more of this, I am so exhausted and beat down, I've got nothing left. Instead, I think contingency plans. What am I going to do if I miscarry? How does that life look? I feel this need to be prepared.

My lab results from my blood draw this morning are ready, and I'm scared to go get them. Scared these may be my last moments of thinking everything is possibly going to be all right.

Yeah, not doing well today.

Going to get my results...will finish this post when I return...

... 1: 15 PM

My hormone levels are up substantially from a few days ago, which I'm assuming is good news. 

Estradiol:

1234 Tuesday

1470 Today

Progesterone:

25.1 Tuesday

33.2 Today

So the panic is dissipating. But seriously, when am I not going to be so afraid? After next Tuesday's ultrasound? At the end of the first trimester? When I have healthy babies in my arms? Being pregnant is supposed to be fun and exciting and joyous, not a place of near-constant fear. Stupid infertility.

I need a hug.

And in a wildly optimistic gesture, I'm going to leave work early today and do some maternity clothes shopping. Going to debut the baby bump here next week, as well...it's getting ridiculous how big my belly's already getting.

Hope everyone has a great weekend, and thanks so much for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Update on 2011-09-09 22:50 by Buttercup

My clinic says my hormone levels are "outstanding." They're having me go off all meds tomorrow, and then do a final check (labs) on Tuesday. Eep! Are things really working out this way?!? Could this whole thing be any more of a roller coaster?!?

Pregnancy: Week 8

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today! Yay!

Here's how Week 8 has been:

• I'm sounding like a broken record with this, but right now it's still all about pretty terrible nausea, a crazy sense of smell (which is definitely contributing to the nausea), and fatigue. I've pretty much given into the fatigue vs fighting it...figure my body is trying to tell me something...and have been napping every day
• Work can be really challenging when I'm feeling so sick, but I somehow seem to be getting everything done
• Boobs are bigger and sorer. My belly seems rounder, as well
• I had another really bad headache this week...ugh
• Started reading specifically about twins this week, and am feeling a little overwhelmed by: a) how much I am supposed to eat (not worried about weight gain...it is what it is...but how am I supposed to get that much food into my body? Especially when food is the enemy right now? I can scarcely remember what it was like to actually WANT to eat something.) And b) the possibility of bed rest. And c) the reality of having two infants. I know it's going to work out and I don't even need to worry about anything but eating and resting at this point, but I'm still a little bit in the "terrified I'm having twins" camp. I just need some more time to get used to the idea, I know...
• My husband and I are talking about the babies a LOT...a lot more than previous weeks...and we were going to wait until after the first trimester was over to do that, but we just can't seem to help ourselves. My husband's making me laugh so much over the babies, too...silly things like we were out to dinner and he drew what looked like two manatees on a napkin with talk bubbles and the babies saying things to me...I don't know, something about the babies-as-manatees, I just could not stop laughing. This is turning out to be a very happy time for me and my husband...we're making lots of plans big and little for the future and how we will raise our babies...it's really lovely. He's been so great about me being sick, too. My mom was saying she'd expect a lot of guys to be like, "You wanted to be pregnant...suck it up." But my husband's not like that at all. He listens to me complain about being sick (although I'm trying really hard not to talk about it.) And he does what he can to help, which includes making dinner and doing the dishes most of the time. He's just being so wonderful...

Week 9 is the week we lost our last baby back in April (although we didn't find out until 11 weeks). I have an appointment next Tuesday (a week from tomorrow) to check in on the babies...hopefully they are still there and doing well! In the meantime, just trying to stay calm and positive (and to tell you the truth, with morning sickness and exhaustion, there isn't room for a whole lot of panicing, which I guess is something to be grateful for.)

Hope everyone has a lovely week. :)

XOXO

8 Week 2 Day Ultrasound: Everything's Looking Great! :)

Hi Everyone!

So I had my second ultrasound today...we had to wait about 45 minutes in the waiting room...I was soooooo nervous! But everything is looking great!

Both Baby A and Baby B are measuring right on track.

And have good, strong heartbeats.

And my OB says at this point there is nothing to worry about.

She also said as of today we're about 85% safe as far as not losing these babies.

Also that she sees me as just a normal twin pregnancy...does not see me in the high risk category, which makes me feel so good. I'm going to get to be a normal pregnant girl! (I hope!)

My next appointment is 9/13, and I'm going to be trying sooooooo hard just to trust that everything is OK in there between now and then. I am feeling better after today's appointment, even though last time I was pregnant (and miscarried) everything looked perfect at this point, too. But even so, each hoop we successfully jump through makes me feel like we might actually make it this time...that there might actually be real live babies at the end of all this.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 7

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today! :)

Here's how the past week has gone:

• Nausea. Pretty much 24/7. Although every once in a while there's been a brief respite (and then, of course, I worry that something's wrong with the babies)
• Food aversions...I don't know, right now I feel like I don't want to eat anything. But once I start eating, whatever I'm eating seems to be OK. And I feel better after I eat, so there's that incentive
• My boobs are way bigger and more sensitive
• I got a horrible headache one night, and I almost never get headaches. It was bad enough that I even took some Tylenol, which I've been really scared to do, even though the doctor says it's fine 
• The spotting that went on nonstop for about 2 weeks is finally gone
• Bella bands (which go over your pants and hold them up so you can unbutton them) are so my friend. Just got one yesterday and I am soooooo much more comfortable
• Edging closer to the time when I lost my last baby, and the fear is getting pretty bad. The way I'm dealing with it--not necessarily healthy, I know--is by spending an inordinate amount of time trying to make plans for what I'll do if I lose both babies. It's horrible to be thinking this way, but I guess I'm just trying to protect myself...to plan out a nice life for myself if all goes terribly wrong and we aren't ever able to have children...I don't know, all this just feels so fragile and unreal right now...I'm scared to believe this is actually going to work. Working really hard to stay focused on the positive right now and not let these fears consume me...
• Ultrasound tomorrow...been feeling pretty OK about it until today but now I'm sooooo nervous

Hope everyone has a lovely week.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 6

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's what's been happening over the past week:

• Morning sickness is not my friend. It's way worse than last week. About the same as last time I was pregnant, which wasn't pretty. Not puking, but on the verge and dealing with serious nausea 24/7. Sucks. The only day I didn't feel terrible was Saturday, and then I was worried something was wrong with the babies because I was feeling better, lol. Just no way to win here
• We found out last week we are having twins, and I'm still reeling a bit from the news. Worried about how we'll handle it physically, emotionally, financially. I'm also worried about the babies, but everything I've been reading indicates that a twin pregnancy can be a very healthy pregnancy, so trying to stay focused on that fact. On the positive side, I'm feeling like twins are going to be so fun. And also, it's such a huge, huge bonus that we won't have to go through IVF again for a second child. I've done five rounds of IVF and I am really about at my limit. If we were to lose these babies, I'm not sure I could try again. But no need to think about that right now...
• My body is already changing a lot. My boobs are HUGE. My stomach is so round, too...it's already feeling enormous to me vs how my body usually is. So weird
• Napping most days
• I've been spotting all week, very light but it's annoying (and a little scary having it go on for so long). My clinic says it's fine. They also say I can't have sex until it stops. Sigh
• Eating is not fun. Really nothing sounds the least bit appealing. But I feel a little better when I eat. And I can pretty much eat anything if I make myself...doesn't really seem to matter what it is...one food doesn't have an advantage over another. But there is zero pleasure in food right now
• My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, especially late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping. I am so very happy and relieved to be pregnant. But I'm also worried about how my life is going to change. I think you gain so incredibly much with a child, but you have to give up things, too, at least for the short term. I'm scared about how my body is going to change...will I ever be fit again? I'm bummed I have to miss another snowboarding season (I missed last year's being pregnant, and then miscarried at the very end of it), although I guess two babies for two snowboarding seasons is a fair trade. I'm going to need to work part-time after the babies are born, but is that going to be OK for the babies? (This is the first time I've worried that not being a full-time mom might not be a good idea.) Are we going to be OK with all the extra expenses the babies are going to bring? Etc.
• Still worried about miscarriage, although it's more a nagging fear in the background vs something I am totally obsessed with. I hate being in a place where I'm wishing time away, but between being sick and the very real possibility of miscarrying one or both of these babies, I just want the first trimester to be over. I've already gone through a tough first trimester...ready for something new and hopefully a bit more comfortable and a bit less scary... 

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XOXO

First Ultrasound: Is There Anything Alive in There? And How Many Babies Are There?

Hi Everyone!

Well, big news today!

First of all, I had the worst miscarriage dreams last night...not like my actual miscarriage last time I was pregnant (which was a missed miscarriage and ended with a D&C), but lots of blood and little tiny things I was trying to figure out if they were babies or not. And they were the kind of dreams you wake up from and you're not sure if it was a dream or if it really happened. Yeah, my anxiety surrounding today has been pretty high.

But, good news! There is nothing dead inside me! What a huge relief (although I know it's still the first trimester, things can still go wrong, etc. Trying not to go there right now.)

And...I think this is also good news, although I'm a little shell-shocked about it at this point...we are having TWINS! I knew the second my OB stuck the ultrasound wand inside me...I could see two...and then my OB just went to one baby and spent a lot of time looking and measuring, until I said, "Um, can you take a look around and tell me if there are two?" She laughed and looked and said, "Yes."

I'm so excited! And also so scared! I just need a little time to get my head wrapped around the reality of this, and I'm sure it's going to be the best thing ever. :)

So that's the update. Wow. Hard to believe...

XOXO

Baby's/Babies' First Camping Trip :)

Hi Everyone!

Today I thought I'd share a few pictures from my camping trip this past weekend!

My brother and I met in Seargent, CO, which is off Highway 50 at the Western base of Monarch Pass. This is a great halfway meeting point for the two of us. We went up a dirt road towards Marshall Pass and found this great campsite in the National Forest. There was no one around, which was great, and a stream right across the road for our dogs (left, and the road was essentially untraveled, so no problem letting the dogs run loose).

Usually when I meet my brother to camp we hike and/or hit the hot springs during the day/evening, but right now I'm not allowed to do either of those things, so my brother brought his dirt bike and went riding (right) while I took a super easy walk, read and napped.

So my preferred mode of camping is backpacking, but I'm no snob about car camping (I'm always just happy to get out in the wilderness!), and camping with my brother's pop-up camper (top picture, in the background)) is the best thing ever when you're pregnant (and I imagine it's going to be awesome with babies/young children, too.) By the way, that's our new family-sized Jeep in the foreground (last time I was pregnant my husband had us trade in my 2-door for a 4-door.)

Lots of cows this trip (bottom picture; it's an open range up there). Noisy cows. And my littlest boxer rolled in cow poop the minute we got there...yuck! He and the rest of the dogs slept in the bed of my brother's pickup, instead of in the camper like they usually do.

Gorgeous sunset as seen from our camp (top), and of course a campfire (bottom)...love, love, love having campfires.

We're planning on going back in the fall when the aspen are turning...to a little spot we discovered up the road in this huge aspen grove...should be amazing.

Hope everyone's week is going well.

XOXO

Pregnancy Week 5

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today! Here's what's been going on pregnancy-wise over the past week:

• Well, I'm not going to avoid the nausea. It's back. But it's OK, especially if I can put something in my stomach
• I'm dealing with food aversions like crazy. A couple nights last week all I could stomach was a few crackers and a juice popsicle...nothing else sounded remotely good. I'm finding it really tricky to grocery shop because once I get the food home I don't want to eat it. Very, very little sounds appealing. The only thing I'll consistently eat is cereal (Shredded Wheat or Cheerios) with milk and fruit
• I'm so very tired. Napping almost every day. Sometimes having trouble sleeping at night
• Sore boobs (although not that bad) and a crazy amped up sense of smell
• Lots of brown spotting, especially towards the end of the week, which my clinic swears is nothing to worry about so I'm trying not to worry (but it's hard)
• My belly is so bloated. I can still wear my clothes for the most part, and under clothes you can't really tell, but my belly is already seeming so huge to me compared to what it normally is

I've got my first ultrasound this Wednesday and am getting VERY nervous about it. I'm scared all they are going to find are dead babies. Ugh...being pregnant after miscarrying is HARD. Trying to stay distracted and positive but it's hard. And feeling so pregnant isn't setting my mind at ease, because when I miscarried before I was still having symptoms all over the place. I think I'll feel so much better when Wednesday is over...

Hope everyone has a great week!

XOXO

Making Pregnancy Harder Than it Needs to Be

So here's a window into my latest neuroses as far as pregnancy is concerned:

I could not sleep last night. And not the normal I can't fall asleep for an hour or two, or I'm up for an hour or two. No, it was like 5 AM and still wide awake. My hip was hurting (old sports injury), which I think was what was keeping me awake, and I knew some Tylenol would help. So I went downstairs and got two capsules, came back upstairs and re-read the print-out from my clinic about what's allowed (Tylenol is on the list)...and then...I just could not take it. And I don't really understand why. 

And Tylenol's not the only thing...I've got this long list of things that I won't do that would make me happy/more comfortable to do, like:

• No sleeping on my stomach (I love sleeping on my stomach), because my clinic said not to during the 2WW and I want to be extra careful even though the 2WW is over
• No tea of any kind, and I love tea in the morning, but I'm scared I'm going to have a reaction or something to something herbal, and even though my clinic says decaf tea is OK I'm scared to have any caffeine in my body (decaf has a small amount)
• No putting my computer on my lap (which is my preferred way of working), just in case it could cause some harm (there are no studies that say that it will, but it still makes me nervous). Instead I'm working in places/positions that aren't as comfortable for me
• No pedicures (and this is a sacrifice)
• Etc.

None of these things have been banned by my clinic/OB, but I guess it's me being nervous about this pregnancy, not wanting to do anything wrong, or more accurately, if I do miscarry, not wanting to have ANYTHING I can look back on and say, "Maybe that one thing caused it." 

I feel like a crazy person...why can I not do things my doctors clearly say are OK? Does anyone else struggle with this?

XO

Pregnancy: Week 4

Happy Monday, Everyone!

Wouldn't this penguin wallpaper (above) be adorable in a little kid's room? Love, love, love.

Anyway, wanted to start documenting what's been going on with my pregnancy, week by week. Just finished Week 4 yesterday, and here's what's been happening:

• I am so excited to be pregnant! And it feels unreal, too. It's a little hard to switch my thinking from: "How are we going to make our lives work without a baby?" to: "Holy crap, there's a good chance we're going to end up with a baby! That's going to be a lifestyle change!"
• Dealing with insomnia, but that's kind of par for the course with me
• A little tired, but it seems like last time I was pregnant I was sleeping during the day all the time, and that's not really happening. I did nap more towards the end of the week than in the beginning, so maybe the tiredness is coming 
• I had a couple days of very light spotting early in the week, which in the past would have scared me, but now I know is normal
• Generally feeling great physically. Having more the beginnings of things than anything full-fledged. Twinges of nausea. Definitely a stronger sense of smell. Twinges of my breasts being full and achy. Twinges of food aversions. Etc. I was really, really sick last time I was pregnant...not sure if this pregnancy is going to be different, or if the sickness just hasn't kicked in yet
• Waiting for my first ultrasound (scheduled for 8/17) hasn't been too bad. There's kind of this small underlying current of fear knowing that something could go wrong at any time (and, based on my experience last time, I wouldn't even know it), but generally I'm doing OK. I think when it's going to be really hard is Weeks 9, 10, and 11, which is when last time I lost my baby (I lost my baby week 9-ish, but didn't find out until the end of week 11...thought everything was fine up until that point) 

Can't wait to see what Week 5 brings!

XO

Penguin Wallpaper: Isak via Paul & Paula.

Beta #2

Do you guys believe in stuff like Angel Cards? These are supposed to kind of tell your future...there is a deck of them with words like "Trust" and "Playfulness" and "Friendship" (with a book to help you interpret the meaning of the card), and I'll pull one out of the deck on occasion. Before I started this cycle I was shuffling the deck to pull one out...I see them almost as like a fortune...and I didn't even pick this one...it just kind of literally jumped out of the deck at me. Too cool...

Beta #2 is 1598 today...so everything is looking good. Now there's nothing to do but trust that all will be OK on our first ultrasound in a couple weeks...

XO

Newly Pregnant: What I'm Thinking

I'm not buying anything until the end of the first trimester, but a girl can dream, right? How cute would this Anthropologie poof be in a little girl's room?

Hi and Happy Monday!

Thanks everyone who has been stopping by and congratulating me...means a lot! My husband and I are sooooo excited! My mind has also been racing:

• First off, there is just this incredible feeling of relief and peace. I can't believe how lucky I am to be pregnant again
• I've been spending A LOT of time the past few months trying to imagine/plan our life how it will be without any children, scared not only that this cycle is not going to work, but that nothing is going to work for us (I'm always trying to prepare for the worst...a part of my personality I'm not particularly fond of). So it's a little weird to switch from that to the thought that we could very well end up with a heathy baby (or two) this spring
• I'm a little intimidated by the high number that is my first beta. There's a very real possibility of twins, which we can totally handle and will be thrilled with (and--bonus--we will probably be done with this infertility stuff forever), but one baby just seems so easy in comparison...two is a little overwhelming. Excited for the first ultrasound to see what happens
• I am so grateful to get this little bit of happiness...even if something goes wrong like my last pregnancy, to have some time to hope and be excited and happy about the idea of a baby is such a gift
• After losing our last baby at the very end of the first trimester, my husband and I said next time (if there was a next time) we would pretend nothing was happening until the first trimester was over (eg not talk about the baby etc), but that's already totally out the window. Even more than my own happiness and excitement, it makes me so incredibly happy to see the lightness and excitement in my husband, which has included talking about the baby/ies and touching/kissing my stomach a lot...we're both so excited...we can't just pretend nothing's happening like we had planned...and that's probably a good thing...
• If my last pregnancy is any indication, I have one or two weeks of feeling pretty normal before I get sick as a dog (I spent most of my last pregnancy in bed, which wasn't a huge deal since I work from home...still, not fun). But every pregnancy is different...hopefully this time I won't feel quite so bad...
• Thinking a lot about all the ladies out in the blogosphere still trying to have a baby...especially those who have recently received bad news. Sending so much love out to you all...all this infertility stuff can be so difficult and unfair...

Next beta tomorrow and then an ultrasound August 17 or 18...will keep you all posted!

XO

Image credit: Anthropologie.

Beta Results

So I got my beta results: 698 (over 5 is considered pregnant, my clinic wants to see this number over 50). Holy Moly, that seems high. Which I know could mean twins...

Can't believe it. So very, very grateful and happy right now...

XOXO

Dear Birthday Snowbabies

Dear Birthday Snowbabies (AKA the two frozen embryos that are being transferred tomorrow, two days after my birthday):

It's so weird to think that today may be the last day ever that you are not a tangible part of our lives. If this FET works, you'll be back with me tomorrow, and be meeting us as beautiful baby/ies next spring.

Please thaw.

Please stick around (so that an actual pregnancy is established, and next April-ish we have actual baby/ies).

We're so excited to have you in our lives. We've been trying to stay neutral after all the chemical pregnancies and the miscarriage we've been through, but it's hard not to get excited.

We've been talking about names.

Your daddy's been talking about how the fact that you've been in the freezer for the past 6 months means you're going to be immune to the cold (maybe little snowboarders are in our future? There's nothing I'd like more than to be up on the mountain with you. I'll show you all my secret spots.)

We've been discussing philosophical questions, such as if you end up being same-sex or identical twins, and we have two names picked out, how do we determine who gets which name when you're born?

I'm always hated having embryos outside my body...I want my babies with me...I will be soooo happy to have you back tomorrow. I hope none of this process has been traumatic for you.

Trust me, you want to come be with us. We're going to be such a good, happy family, have such a good, happy life.

XOXO

Love,

Your Mommy

Image Credit: AMagill.

Genetic Testing Results: Turner Syndrome

Hey Everyone,

We got the results of our genetic testing from the miscarriage back last night. There was an abnormality with our baby, which was a girl. One of the X chromosomes was missing. This is apparently a common reason behind miscarriages, and is known as Turner syndrome.

I hate, hate, hate that we had to lose this baby, but I'm comforted by these results. There's a clear reason. It wasn't something I did and might do again without realizing it. And my (irrational, I know) fear that we killed a perfectly healthy baby by mistake can be put to rest. Also, Turner syndrome is not due to the age of the mother or father, and there's no reason to think it'll happen again...in other words, there's no reason to think the embryos we have in the freezer are compromised.

I complained a week or so ago about the genetic testing being done, but I totally take that back...having these results has given me a lot of peace of mind and hope for our next try. Also glad I now don't have to go through a bunch of new tests to see if something's wrong with me or my husband. Feeling good about moving forward. :)

XO