What Happens if I'm Not Pregnant?

If we don't end up with children think of all the traveling we can do. We could even live abroad, which could be really cool. Bilbao, Spain is high on my list of places to see...

Four more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. It's starting to get hard. I've been thinking about the future...what we'll do if I'm not pregnant. My husband and I have talked in snippets about this, but this is really my list (not ours) at this point:

• We have some more frozen embryos, and I'd like to do another FET right away. After that I'm not sure what I've got left in me. I'd like to use up all our embryos, but I'm getting so worn down by this process. One thing is for sure: once the embryos are gone, we are DONE with medical interventions.
• Adopting an infant is a possibility. Adoption scares me though as I know almost nothing about it at this point. I'm totally fine with having a child that is not biologically related to us. I'm pretty fine about not going through a pregnancy (and I can definitely get to a place where I'm fine with it). I'm scared about the process and what it's going to take out of us emotionally. I'm scared of the wait, which from what I understand could be long. I don't really care the gender or race of the baby, or whether we do this domestically or internationally (although my gut preference is for domestic). I think if I knew more about the process I would be less scared, but I just don't feel like I can go through IVF and figure out adoption at the same time...
• Adopting an older child/children. This is something my husband and I have talked about a little. I think it would be great to adopt siblings. This feels like the easiest/best route, although it would be hard not to get to go through the younger stages of a child's life. And I know there are dangers with this...older children who get put up for adoption by definition haven't had an easy time of it. Are we equipped to handle it?
• Or, we could decide to be a family of two. There'd be so much more time and money to travel, for me to write, for us to build our dream house, for us to retire young, etc., etc., etc. Except I can't stop thinking we can do all those things with children. And, I don't know, I'm just having a hard time picturing my life without any children in it. But I'm really not sure anything else is going to be possible.

Ugh...I thought writing this would help me feel better--to look and see that I have choices--but instead, it just feels overwhelming. A little down today. Didn't sleep well last night. No pregnancy symptoms to report, really. I'm just feeling so exhausted and sad about all of this...

XO

Image credit: rahego.

FET Update: Side Effects, Side Effects, And More Side Effects

Hi Everyone, and happy Monday!

Here's the latest:

• Lining check on Saturday and I'm told everything looks great! Yay! A doctor I've never met did the check (the on-call doc in my local OB's practice), and once she looked at my history she kept saying, "You're so brave. How have you managed to do all this and still keep your sanity? I could never do what you're doing." In some ways it felt good for all that I have done to be acknowledged, in other ways it just kind of feeds this fear I have that I'm kind of getting to my physical/emotional limit in terms of what I can do with medical interventions...have been feeling this very acutely over the past week or so...trying hard not to think beyond this current procedure...
• Blood draw this weekend too, and my estrogen is low. The patches I had Friday/Saturday weren't sticking great, though (never had that happen before), but I didn't get to explain that to anyone (communication with my clinic can be difficult, especially on the weekends), and they added oral estrogen so now I'm worried my estrogen will be too high as the patches I put on this morning (Sunday/Monday patches) are sticking great 
• Traveled to Denver area Sunday and will be here until after transfer/bed rest, returning home next Sunday. Staying with my brother a little ways up into the mountains, which is lovely
• I feel like I am just being bowled over by side effects this cycle. I've never done an FET, always fresh cycles, and I've never written down the details on how a cycle is going, but I just don't remember things being this bad in the past. In addition to the moodiness/irritability/anxiety I've been writing about, I'm also dealing with big-time insomnia (it's 3:30 AM as I write this, and I have a day full of conference calls tomorrow, plus a doctor's appointment at my clinic, which is an hour each way from my brother's, ugh...I SO need some sleep!) Headaches, too. Also joint pain that's been going on for a while...has anyone else had this happen? It's all over my body and it's so bad...I think it's a big part of the reason I can't sleep. I feel like a hot bath would help, but I'm not allowed to take baths. Tylenol may help, too, but I can't find any here at my brother's and am hesitant to take it anyway...need to ask my nurse about it tomorrow...

Anyway, sorry to complain (again)...hoping I'll start to feel better/more positive soon. Actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of what's going on is related to Lupron, which I finished with over the weekend...fingers crossed that once that's out of my body I'll start doing better...

FET Update: Anxious and Cranky, But Things Are Generally Good

Wanted to post a little update on how everything's going with my FET:

• Ugh...the drugs. Feeling really anxious and cranky since returning from my trip and I know it's the drugs so trying to just ride it out...also think the fact that I can't get a good workout in has a lot to do with it as that is where I normally turn for stress relief (my clinic doesn't want me sweating at all because of the patches, and I can't get any sort of decent workout in without sweat, so...)
• Tired too, but as much as I want to blame that on the drugs, I think it has more to do with the fact that some of my Santa Barbara friends are super young, and we had some late nights trying to keep up with those guys. :) Plus a 3 AM wakeup call Sunday morning to make a 7 AM flight out of LAX...
• Traveling with meds was fine, by the way. I had a little red cooler and ice packs and a doctor's note which I didn't even need. Sailed through airport security...no one even batted an eye. Stuck the meds in the fridge at the hotel. Also, I ended up not needing a blood draw while traveling...my clinic said it was fine to wait until Monday
• Had my first blood draw and my hormone levels are right where they should be...yay!
• Only four more days of shots! Yay!
• Lining check and another blood draw on Saturday
• Over to Denver (where my clinic is) for the week starting Sunday
• Ten days to transfer! Yay, yay, yay! I am so ready!

So overall everything's good. My whole life feels like it's on hold until beta day, though. Wish I could keep things more normal through this process, but not feeling like myself and not being able to exercise at all and not feeling like I can concentrate on anything so reading and writing are out. Trying to figure out things I can do to pass the time and actually enjoy this beautiful summer, vs wishing the next days and weeks away, you know?

XO

FET Update

Baby birds over at my mom and dad's. They're so cute...they sit there with their mouths open waiting for their mom to come back with something to eat.

Here's the latest as far as what's going on with my FET:

• About 2 1/2 weeks to go until transfer! Yay!
• Lupron has not been fun. Insomnia. General moodiness (work stuff irritates me vs me being able to let it roll off my back. My husband says I'm hyper-sensitive around him...poor guy). Serious anxiety about things both relevant and ridiculous. Ugh
• Started the estrogen patches today...yay for another step in the process!
• We're flying to California next week with Lupron, which has to be refrigerated...that's going to be a minor challenge. Also, I need to get blood drawn while I'm in Santa Barbara...need to figure out the logistics for that...I'm sure it's no big deal...
• I'm worried about some things my clinic has told me not to worry about, like will the embryos thaw? (This is my first FET.) I have a friend who did an FET and many of her frozen embryos did not make it through the thaw. But I'm a different person at a different clinic, and my clinic says not to worry, so I'm trying to put the thought out of my mind. Also worried that my lining won't be OK, although my lining has never been an issue
• My general state of mind is good overall. Actually, I oscillate between two states: 1) That I am going to get pregnant this cycle, no problem (and I keep thinking about twins...) and 2) That this is never going to work for me, all the years and money and strain on our marriage and strain on my body and tons of extra hours worked to pay for all this are going to be for nothing, it's just torture we have to go through for no reason, and can we please just hurry up and get this (meaning this FET and the ones to potentially follow...we're not doing any other medical interventions once our frozen embryos are gone) over with so I can have my body and my life back? Trying hard to stay in State #1, but late at night State #2 sometimes creeps in...
• I'm glad we went on the trip we just went on (and also we are going away for a long weekend next weekend)...I feel really relaxed and because I got pregnant last IVF, I'm trying to replicate the steps involved there, which included a vacation, eating in a really balanced manner (more [healthy] carbs than I generally want to eat), a massage a couple of days before transfer, etc. Even though I miscarried last round, I just kind of have this superstitious feeling that if I do everything the same, I'll get pregnant again
• Trying hard to stay calm, calm, calm...so far, so good...

FAQ Fridays: FET Update

Medicine for my FET arrived today...a bigger box than I was expecting...

So, what's happening?

As many of you know, I'm getting ready to (hopefully!) do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in July.

Is this your first FET?

Yes, but there's been a lot of other stuff leading up to this point.

What have you had to do to get ready?

I've done a lot in the past two weeks, from scheduling/going to doctor's appointments, working with the nurses at my clinic to get my FET schedule put together/figured out and order all sorts of medications, getting records faxed from my local doctors to my clinic, paying for the procedure...it's been a lot. At times it's felt like a full-time job. I'm also doing lots of stuff every day (eating right, exercise, etc) to get as healthy and happy as possible before the procedure starts.

What's next?

Here's the breakdown of what's going to be happening over the next few weeks:

• Week of May 30: Aside from one doctor's appt., hoping to be blissfully free of anything fertility-related
• Week of June 6th: Take medication to hopefully expel whatever's left over from my miscarriage. Ugh...does not sound like fun. The day I start my period is officially Day 1 of the process. Start FET drugs
• Week of June 13: Back to Denver to see if the medication worked (another hysteroscopy). If it didn't work, another D&C. Hopefully I can continue with the FET if this happens, but I'm not sure. Just hoping right now that it's not necessary. FET drugs continue...
• Week of June 20: HCG testing...this is the hormone they usually test to see if you're pregnant...it has to be below 5 and mine last week was 7...if it's not below 5 at this check I guess everything gets stopped. FET drugs continue
• Week of June 27: FET drugs continue
• Week of July 4: FET drugs and lab work
• Week of July 11: FET drugs and lining check (to make sure my uterus is looking hospitable)
• Week of July 18: FET drugs, lab work and transfer day that Friday!

How are you feeling?

Excited. Grateful that we get to do this.

On the other hand, I'm really tired of dealing with medical stuff...trying to get pregnant has in a lot of ways taken over my life, and I'm struggling with that. Just worn down from it. Trying hard to keep everything as normal as possible in the midst of all this.

What else do you have to do to get ready?

I think I'm as ready as I can be...at this point, just need to show up on the appointed days for the appointed things and pray, pray, pray that I get pregnant again, and this time get to keep the baby/ies.

Hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend!

XO 

FAQ Fridays: Missed Miscarriage: What Happened?

Q: What is a missed miscarriage?

A: It's where the baby dies, but your body doesn't recognize that that's happened so it doesn't expel the baby like with a "normal" miscarriage. Apparently, it's very rare.

Q: What happened with your pregnancy?

A: I had a positive beta on February 17, which rose nicely on February 19. I had an ultrasound where they saw the heartbeat and the baby measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days (March 7) and another at 8 weeks 6 days (March 22). Went back to my OB at 11 weeks 5 days (April 11) and they told us the baby had died right after the last ultrasound, so somewhere in the 9^th week.

Q: Did you have any clue something was wrong?

A:  At 11 weeks 1 day (April 6) I had a tiny bit of bright red bleeding. My RE asked that my hormone levels be checked, and they were very low. They upped the medication and told me everything was fine, not to worry, there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping if something was wrong. My local OB said the same thing and that I didn’t need to be looked at…they’d just see me in a few days at my appointment. So with all that reassurance and the fact that I still felt so pregnant (nausea, exhaustion, etc.), I didn’t really worry. Maybe I knew though and was just trying to stay positive and not scare people around me (my husband, our families). I really wouldn’t let the thought that something might be wrong into my head.

Then on April 11, right before my appointment, I had my blood drawn and got the levels back. Still low, which made me really scared. And then my OB tried to find a heartbeat and couldn’t, and then looked on the ultrasound and told us.

Q: What did you do?

A: Went home and cried. Scheduled a D&C for the next day. Called my RE’s office, and they didn’t really have any explanation for what went wrong; neither did my OB. “These things happen,” is essentially what we’ve been told. 

Q: How was the D&C?

A: Awful, of course, but everyone was really kind, and it didn’t hurt other than getting the IV in. I don’t really remember it to be honest. After, my husband sat with me while I was monitored for about an hour, and when we got up to leave he hugged me and said, “We’ll never be in this room again.” It was such a sweet thing to say to me.

Mild cramping that day and the next. Pretty severe cramping that came in waves 2 days post-procedure. Feeling pretty OK today so far.

Q: How have you been since?

A: Beyond sad. Heartbroken. This is a really horrible thing to have to go through.

Q: Have you gone back to work?

A: I work at home, and have done a few hours here and there, but not much this week. Haven't been able to concentrate. My husband took the week off school.

Q: Were there a lot of people you had to tell?

A: Our parents knew we were expecting and are so sad as well, of course. We’d also told a handful of friends about the pregnancy, and they have all been really caring and loving and supportive about the miscarriage. One person where I work and my husband’s professors at school knew…they have all been wonderful, as well. We’ve gotten a ton of love and support this week, for which I am grateful. I’m also glad we didn’t tell more people than we did about the pregnancy so there aren’t a ton of people we have to explain this to. We were going to start spreading the news next week…so heartbroken we don’t get to do that.

Q: Do you know what’s next?

A: We’ll do a regroup with our RE, try to get a better understanding of what happened. We have frozen embryos--a fact that I am so, so, so, so grateful for--and we will do an FET as soon as they’ll let us…looking like July at this point. Pray that things work next time around.

Ugh, what an awful, awful week. So glad it’s almost over.