Genetic Testing: The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Really, how can you be sad when you come across cute little dogs in the nursery?

As most of you know, two weeks ago we found out that my pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. A phone conversation with my RE's office about an hour later:

Me: "What do you guys need from my local OB?"

Them: "The notes in your chart. The ultrasound. And if you can get genetic testing done, we want the results."

So the next day when I went in for the D&C, I had a list for my OB of what my RE wanted, including genetic testing if possible. 

We got the bill for genetic testing yesterday. Almost $3,000.00. Crap.

So here's the deal: I take responsibility for not asking why they needed genetic testing done and/or asking how much it would cost. But come on, I was grieving heavily, how can I be expected to think this through and ask all the right questions at a time like that? I don't understand why genetic testing was necessary. This was my first miscarriage. I don't even want to know the answers to genetic testing. I think it's going to make all this hurt worse to know if it's a boy or a girl. And if there was a genetic abnormality, I think that will be comforting in a way, because then the miscarriage was "nature's way of taking care of things." But if the baby was perfectly normal, what does that mean? I think it's going to make me scared to try again. I don't know, maybe there's a good reason to have genetic testing done that I'm missing, but right now I'm just pissed about the cost, and that I wasn't asked if I wanted to do it, I was just told to get it done if I could. 

And then I start thinking about how we're going to pay for it (if insurance doesn't cover it, which I'm praying they will). I can work more hours to get the money, but I'm so sick of working like crazy to get money to do fertility treatments that fail. And this is on top of all the other bills for this pregnancy (meeting my insurance's high deductible, all the blood draws for my RE that aren't covered by insurance), and we also need to get the money together for the FET this summer. Ugh. We can do it, but there is so much more I'd rather spend the money on (plus I don't want to work the extra hours needed to get the money).

And then I start thinking about how hard fertility treatments are to go through and how scared I am of our next round of this not working and what happens if in the end we can never have a family...ugh...just going to the darkest place imaginable.

And THEN, I have been having a terrible time working. I'm just now getting to the end of Monday's "TO DO" list on Tuesday afternoon. One of the things I do for work is put together websites, and we have a big presentation tomorrow and a website that doesn't have a headline...I called my Art Director (who's also a close friend) in tears earlier, I was so frustrated with my inability to write anything remotely usable. She talked me off the ledge and sent me thinking in a different direction and I finally, finally got it done. And then my mom brought me lunch and listened to me talk about my fears and took me to the nursery to buy some flowers for my garden this summer. This is all after my husband had me crawl back in bed with him early this morning and held me while I cried.

So the point of this long, rambling post is: I am just barely holding on, and something like a genetic testing bill can totally send me over the edge. But there are people to pull me back. And what do you do but tell the people you need that you need them, and then just try to keep soldiering on?

XO

D&C Today

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.

First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."

I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.

I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.

I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.

Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.

My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart. 

Friends and family have been wonderful.

I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).

I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.

Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.

And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).

Why why why why why why why????