Updates, Updates, Updates

Table of Contents:

• Breastfeeding
• Sleeping
• Postpartum
• Work
• Moving

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Today I wanted to update you all on a bunch of stuff I've been writing about over the past few months:

Breastfeeding

Those of you who've been reading a while know breastfeeding has been a real challenge. Also something I'm really committed to doing. In the beginning I wasn't making near enough milk, and it was also very painful. I was breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula.

Then, I went to pumping 8 time/day, still supplementing with formula.

Then, I tried to work back in actual feedings, all the while making sure I was feeding or pumping 8 times/day, including once at 3 AM, also keeping very careful records to make sure each twin got fed the same amount of breast milk. Plus I was taking all sorts of supplements to help with milk production.

And now...well, the supplements have stopped (I hate taking pills, and it's a relief not to have to do so). The record keeping has stopped, which is also a relief. The 8 times/day rule has stopped. And the pumping for the most part has stopped.

These days, I'm feeding whoever's hungry, trying to make it even, supplementing with formula when needed (most feedings). And while formula is still needed, I'm making a lot more milk than I was (I think)...when I pump sometimes I get up to 5 or 6 ounces total (at the very least 2), whereas 4 used to be my absolute max, and there were many, many sessions where I only got half an ounce or less. 

One thing I AM still doing, is a middle-of-the-night feed or pump (setting my alarm for 3 AM to make that happen).

Anyway, the kids are still getting breastfed, but in a much more relaxed way. It feels right to us. It finally feels natural, after sooooooooo much effort. I'm just kind of letting it be what it will be at this point, vs trying to force my body to do what I want it to do.

Sleeping

Ah, sleep. Still elusive, although my husband is doing a lot of the night shift, which helps tremendously (thanks, Jeff!). Still, I'm in a perpetual state of tiredness...part of being a new mom, though, you know?

We're trying to figure out a nap/bedtime routine, and right now here's where we're at:

Waking 7 AMish plus or minus.

Trying for a short nap around 9 AM (may or may not happen).

Trying for another nap around 1 PM (may or may not happen).

Bedtime routine starting around 6 PMish (having this routine has been so great...kids usually go right to sleep): bath, feed, story, talking about all the things we're grateful for in our day, bed by 7 PMish.

"Dream feed" around 10 PM.

Kids are up once or twice each during the night to eat.

I've been experimenting with taking one of the kids to bed with me, either when I go to bed, or when one wakes up and needs to be fed. (My husband watches the other one through the night.) Jury's still out on how that's going. I'm more rested without doing it and instead letting my husband take the night shift with both kids. But I like that individual time with each kid. We'll see how it all pans out.

Postpartum

After losing a TON of weight the first 6 weeks after the kids were born, the rest of the weight I have to lose is coming off sooooooo slowly. I'm walking with the kids, hiking once a week, going to yoga once or twice a week, eating well...I am losing weight but just at a glacial pace. I am still having the occasional treat and could cut that out, and I guess I could eat smaller portions, and maybe go on longer walks with the kids, but I'm already doing a lot/doing the right things and it's frustrating to be losing the weight so slowly. I'm still 12 lbs from my 140 lb goal.

I hesitate to blame it on breastfeeding, but I've heard it can be hard to lose the last 10 lbs while breastfeeding.

In other postpartum news, my linea negra is almost gone, I am losing tons and tons of hair (annoying...it's all over me and the babies), and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to wear a bikini again, but reserving judgement on that until I lose the rest of the weight (fingers crossed!) I'm getting a lot stronger and in a lot better shape. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my Achilles tendons were hurting a lot after the babies were born, and they seem to be getting back to normal. Also the bruising on my feet I had at the end of my pregnancy seems to be going away.

Work

Work's going pretty well. Working from home is such a blessing. The eventual goal is for me to work 4 hours/day, but right now I'm doing more like 5 or 6 to make ends meet while my husband is job hunting. I've tried lots of different things, and still experimenting, but what seems to be working is me getting up early with the babies and letting my husband sleep after the night shift, handing babies over to him at 11 or so and then working in the afternoon, with breaks for breastfeeding as needed. Occasionally I'll work with a baby in my lap, but I can generally concentrate much better if I go alone to my home office and close the door.

Moving

My husband's still job hunting, but it's going well. We should hear back soon about Virginia (DC area), and he's got an interview this week for a job in Albuquerque (which I am inordinately excited about. Don't know why I'm so excited about Albuquerque, except it's in the West [I would love to stay in the West], is a day's drive from my family, it's pretty cheap to live there, and, I don't know, there's something really beautiful and cool about New Mexico.) There's a possible job in Seattle that's come up (if I have to leave Colorado, I would love, love, love to be in Seattle), and a few things in Denver. The job in LA that my husband was interviewing for doesn't look like it's going to happen. LA would have been great, but it's so expensive...

So basically, everything's still up in the air, with the most likely moves at this juncture Viriginia or Albuquerque. For now I'm just trying to enjoy every day we have here, and spend as much time as I can with my parents, and not worry about the future because we have no idea what's going to happen.

So that's the udpate. All's well, still trying to figure a number of things out, just taking everything day by day.

XOXO

Some Thoughts on Maternity Leave, and Going Back to Work

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I have two weeks left of a three-month maternity leave, and I have to say I am so incredibly glad I have had this time. Would love to take more--actually would love more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom--but my husband and I have decided that it makes financial sense for me to work at least a little. And I am so, so lucky, in that I am going to be working part time, not full time, and from home, which cuts out the time that would otherwise be needed away from the kids to get dressed for work, commute, etc.

I have really needed these three months to 1) recover physically from the birth (it was only a week or so ago that I finally stopped bleeding), and 2) figure out how to function with these little guys.

Some things that have gotten ironed out include:

• Getting over the terrible anxiety I had during the first weeks. I still have it a little, but it's about 90% gone, maybe because of hormonal shifts, maybe because the babies are still around and alive (none of the horrible things I was thinking have come true), maybe because I've figured out some tricks to get those thoughts out of my head
• Breastfeeding. I've never had enough milk for my babies, and breastfeeding was extremely painful in the beginning. I went from trying to breastfeed exclusively (only lasted a couple days), to breastfeeding-formula feeding-pumping (the breastfeeding part was painful and the whole routine so time consuming), to pumping 8 times/day and bottle feeding, which worked pretty well, but about a month ago I started getting so sick of the pump. So with the help of the lactation nurses I have started breastfeeding again. Now I pump once or twice a day and breastfeed the rest of the time (still supplementing with bottles of formula as needed). The pain I had with breastfeeding is gone...I think from my nipples toughening up and also me and the babies learning better what to do. I've even managed to tandem breastfeed a couple of times, although that is not the norm. And, I actually think my milk supply is increasing. I have a cousin who also had a hard time breastfeeding, and she said her milk supply increased dramatically around 3 months...hoping that's what's happening to me. I still have some sadness about how breastfeeding's turned out, but I'm doing the best I can...
• Sleep. At first we were up 24/7 with these little guys, as they were not getting enough to eat and cried constantly (just lasted a couple of days). Then both my husband and I got up for every single meal, and were absolutely exhausted (and short-tempered to boot...we barely ever fight and there were some testy days and weeks in there...). Now we've settled into a routine where he takes the night shift and I the morning shift, and that is working great
• Normal life. The first month or so we didn't take the twins anywhere, and after that at first everything--going for a walk in the stroller, taking them to my parent's house, going grocery shopping, etc--was intimidating. Now that we've done them and know how it works, these sorts of things and more are routine
• Chores (eg going to the bank, washing the dogs, taking care of paperwork, laundry, etc). At first, nothing got done. Now we have tasks for each weekday (weekends off), so things get accomplished, and also we don't feel overwhelmed by all there is to do...we just do what we need to for that day, which is manageable
• Meals. At first, friends and neighbors brought us meals, which was so incredibly helpful. Then, we had a hard time because we couldn't get our act together to go to the store (enter lots of fast food, which I normally don't eat). Now, we shop with the kids every Monday, make a menu and are eating really heathly (meats on the BBQ, lots of veggies, no desserts). My husband does most of the cooking (he's so great at it, and loves doing it), with me helping with prep and side dishes...

So, what do things look like moving forward?

I'm a little scared about going back to work, because I already feel like there aren't enough hours in the day (time to blog, for instance, is hard to come by). But because my husband is job hunting, he's going to be able to take care of the kids while I work, which will make for a nice transition. (And once he goes back to work, my mother-in-law is going to move with us to help...such a Godsend.) I'm hoping I can still nurse on demand some, as my schedule will be flexible except for conference calls. And I would love it if I could have one of the kids with me...maybe in a wrap while I type up documents or talk on the phone...or maybe laying in my lap dozing, as both kids are doing right now.

It's going to be interesting to see how it all works out. And who knows, I might enjoy the intellectual challenge of working again, and I think it's going to be nice to have some more contact with the outside world. 

Trying not to focus on how sad I am that I won't be around the kids all day, and instead look at ways I can incorporate them into my workday, and remember to be so, so grateful to be working an abbreviated schedule at home.

XOXO

When Work's Going to Be Taking a Backseat, Is the Best Thing to Do to Just Plod Along? (Or, Should I Try to Have Twins and My Dream Job, Too?)

I'm sure work and motherhood is a topic that's going to come up more than once here. Let's start the conversation today, shall we?

Here's the situation I find myself in. I have a good job and a good career doing something that...well...it's not my big passion in life, let's put it that way. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, either. But in a lot of ways I feel trapped, because I'm really good at what I do, it's stable, I make good money, I freelance so I have a LOT of flexibility that I wouldn't otherwise have at an office job (make my own hours, can travel when I want to, don't have to commute, can take whatever time off I want, etc.)...in short, there are a lot of adantages. But I am also tired of it, and I work in a field (advertising) where the burnout rate is really high, and I am feeling the burnout big-time.

If kids weren't in the picture, I do think I would try to do something else. But there ARE kids in the picture, and the reality is they are going to be my big focus for the next few years at least, and while my husband and I have decided it doesn't really make sense for me to quit working entirely, we are going to have my job and career take a backseat to everything else. This means not climbing the corporate ladder. It means working part-time after the babies are born. It means (I think) now is not the time for a career change. (Not that I even know what I would want to change my career TO...I think that's another factor. If I had a clear dream job I wanted to pursue, maybe I'd be thinking about all this differently.)

I don't think I can handle a career change and two new babies at once. I know in this day and age we are all supposed to be super women, but I just am not, and I feel like I'm letting womankind down admitting it, but I don't want to try and be a super star in every aspect of my life all at the same time...that just sounds exhausting. (And by the way, no offense here to ANYONE who is making different choices than me...I hugely respect that everyone is different and everyone needs to make their own decisions in matters like this. I'm not trying to talk anyone into anything...just trying to relay how it is for me.)

I do feel so burnt out, though. Like how can I keep doing this for years and years more? Work just feels like it's eating up almost all of my mental and emotional energy. I need a break. I don't know...maybe I should schedule some time off. (Although I've been thinking I should work hard up until my maternity leave, since people are going to have to cover for me then.) 

Just feeling really stuck. Not excited about doing this work for the next, say, 5 years, but don't really see a good alternative.

Maybe it's just being at the end of a particularly greuling week, and I'll feel better after the weekend. 

Just don't know what the right thing is to do...

I'm worried I'm just giving up in a way. We're supposed to strive to have the best, most satifying of everything in every aspect of our lives, right? Or is that totally unrealistic?

Thanks for listening and chiming in...

XOXO

Announcing Your Pregnancy

So as I get close to the end of the first trimester, I've started to think about when/how/if I'll be announcing my pregnancy. There's kind of two parts to this: work people, and social people.

Let's start with the social people, aka, friends and family. I've lived all over the place (Colorado, Seattle [twice], Austin, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Boston [kind of...I had an apartment there for a couple years but also had an apartment in San Francisco so was never there full-time].) I tend to keep in touch with people...not everyone, but I really make an effort. The result is I have friends all over the country, whom I talk to with varying degrees of frequency.

I've been pretty open about my fertility struggles and all the interventions we've had, and also about this pregnancy when I see people or talk to/text/email them. If I talk with my friends, I tell them. I know a lot of people think you should keep the news to yourself until after the first trimester, and I did that to some extent when I was pregnant last spring, but then I had a miscarriage and I found myself telling people about the pregnancy after the fact so I could tell them about the miscarriage, and then it hit me, if you're going to tell people if you miscarry, why not tell them you are pregnant? So that's what I've done this time around. (I told a lot of people about the miscarriage because I'm just not one of those people who when friends ask "How are you?" I can just say "Fine," and change the subject. I have this urge to talk about what's going on, good or bad.)

So a lot of people already know about my pregnancy. But what about those who don't? Just because I haven't talked with someone in the past few months doesn't mean I don't consider them extremely close friends. My college roommate, for example, we go months without talking, but he's one of the few people in this world I could call anytime day or night and he'd be there for me, no matter what I needed. Anyway, do I call all these people up? (Which honestly sounds exhausting in my sickly/tired first trimester state.) Send out a mass email? (Ugh...seems so impersonal.) Post something on Facebook? (We all know how hurtful that can be to people struggling with fertility in one way or another...not sure I want to go there.)

And then, there's work. I freelance for four different companies--A, B, C and D. 

Company A, the women I work with are some of my closets friends and they know all the gory details...in fact the owner of this company went with me for my transfer/took care of me on bed rest for my IVF last January (she lives in Denver where my clinic is and my husband couldn't be with me because of school.) 

Company B is in Boston, and they know about and are cool with my pregnancy...usually when I do work for them I fly to Boston, but we're going to do some work with me in Colorado this fall, as I'm not comfortable traveling and they are being lovely and accommodating. The people who run this company are also in the friend category

Company C, the woman who runs it is this high-powered career woman who I admire greatly. She has one child (now grown) and when I told her I was doing IVF she said, "You know I love my daughter, but if I could do it again (have children), I wouldn't do it. I would tell you not to do it." She's the only person who has tried to talk me out of having kids. And yeah, I'm nervous to tell her I'm pregnant. I think she pictures me as more dedicated to my career than I really am, (I have been really dedicated in the past), but I really do want to dial back career-wise and I know she'll be respectful of that, but that's not her wish for me, you know? 

Company D is the company I do the most work for, and although I'm friendly with the people there, they are definitely professional (not friend) relationships. I've told my boss there about my pregnancy and she's told her boss...both have been extremely supportive and are good with me taking a 3 month maternity leave and then coming back, which is great. But there are about 20 people I interact with in this company on a regular basis that don't know...

In terms of work, I'm feeling a lot of hesitation telling the people who don't already know. It's weird, I thought I'd get to this point and be so excited about spreading the news, but I'm finding I'm wanting to keep it to myself for a little while longer. I'm not sure why...if I'm still scared something is going to happen? (Because as many people as I told about my miscarriage after the fact, I'm glad I didn't HAVE to tell people, you know?)

I think another factor might be I'm not sure how much I want to tell people. When I was pregnant with just one baby and told people, everyone just said, "Congratulations" and moved on. When I tell people I'm pregnant with twins I get: "Do they run in your family?" (Yes, as a matter of fact, they do.) And then I've kind of been feeling compelled to tell people I had IVF done as well. But, I don't know, I'm not sure I want to tell everyone in the world about the IVF part...can I just (truthfully) say yes to the run-in-your-family question and leave it at that?

Anyway...

What would you all do/have you done?

With telling friends?

With telling people you work with?

With telling people about fertility treatments?

Your thoughts/input are greatly appreciated!

XOXO

Poppies Make Me Happy

My favorite plant that we have in our gardens is the poppy I planted the summer we moved in. I love the color of these flowers, I love the shape, I love the green fuzziness of the pods. I think I feel so attached to poppies partly because when I was a little girl, there was a huge field of them down the meadow from the little log cabin where we lived.

There were one or two poppies in our garden last week, but I looked out the window this morning as I was fixing my herbal tea and they had gone crazy overnight. Yay!

Last year I was traveling to Boston for work a lot, and there was one week where it became apparent that they needed me the following week, too. I flew all the way home to Colorado for a day and then back the next, to see my husband, sure, but also beacuse the poppies were blooming and I didn't want to miss them entirely. Ridiculous, I know, but that's how much I love poppies.

Hope everyone has a great week!

XO

Tasks for a Rainy Day

My irises are blooming this week...aren't they lovely? We've had so many flowers this spring...A rainy Wednesday...we've had such a wet spring...but a good time to stay indoors and: 

1) Work--work is crazy right now...and we're traveling to Las Vegas Sunday for the week to see my mother-in-law, so trying to get ahead so I can have some fun while I'm there...

2) Schedule medical appointments--feeling much more on top of things than I was yesterday. Have pretty much everything I need done scheduled. My husband and I are driving to Denver and back Friday for testing (4 1/2 hours each way...bummer we have to do that). Oh, and by the way, the HSC I'm having done is the painful test I was afraid I was going to have to do, but I asked my nurse what they could do to help and they're going to give me a valium. My mom said ask for what you need, and I did, and I'm glad...thanks, Mom! :)

3) Schedule summer plans--we're going to be traveling an incredible amount between now and my FET...this is kind of my normal state of being (I can work from anywhere, which makes this possible) and it's WONDERFUL in that I'm going to get to go to so many places I love and see so many people I love, but on the other hand I'll be working and it's a little bit harder to work on the road, and a little hard for me to be away from home in general. I love to travel, and given a chance I will schedule trips like crazy, but I also love being at home and miss it when I'm gone.

Not TOO many logistics to plan, because a lot of this we're doing as road trips and staying with friends and/or camping, but there are still little details. And big details, like I'm going to need blood drawn and labs on the road, and have to figure out how to accomplish that.

Where we're going between now and July 22:

• Denver (just for the day, so not sure this even really counts)
• Las Vegas to visit my mother-in-law
• Colorado mountains to visit my brother
• Utah hiking and camping with my dad
• Humboldt County CA, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver, seeing a TON of friends
• Santa Barbara for a fabulous wedding, and to see more friends
• Denver for the transfer...yay!

It's going to be fun.

Feeling better and more organized as all the medical/travel logistics fall into place.

Hope everyone's having a good Wednesday. :)

XO

FAQ Fridays: My Freelance Career

Remember the tangerine iBook? This is the computer I started my freelance career on. Loved that thing.

Q: What do you do for work?

A: I do freelance work in advertising as a copywriter/Creative Director.

Q: What does that mean, exactly? 

A: I come up with the ideas for advertising campaigns/digital media, and/or do the writing needed to implement them.

Q: Do you come up with the ideas yourself?

A: No, I work as a team with an Art Director. 

Q: Where do you work?

A: Generally out of my house, although sometimes I'll travel to be at an agency on-site or for some other reason (conventions, etc.).

Q: Is it hard to find clients?

A: I have been extraordinarily lucky and tend to have just a few steady clients at a time, working with them for years. Right now I'm working with 5 groups (out of San Francisco, Silicon Valley, San Diego, Denver, and Boston).

Q: How did you get this gig?

A: I worked at a REALLY good advertising agency in San Francisco (and that part was pure luck...I honestly would've gone to any agency that would have hired me...but ended up at one of the best in the country). I got trained by some amazing people, and made a ton of contacts. I've been freelancing almost 10 years now, and every single job I've had has come from those contacts in one way or another.

Q: So because you freelance does that mean you work weird hours and stuff?

A: Actually, I may sneak out for an hour or two here and there, but I'm pretty much a 9–5 Monday-Friday girl.

Q: Do you get lonely working at home? 

A: A little. More so over the past year or two than I used to.

Q: What's your favorite thing about what you do? 

A: I love the freedom. I work with a lot of people that are friends on a personal level and that's cool. I love making something cool. And I do work sometimes on websites or other programs that help people with a specific health condition (eg cancer) get the information they need to take better care of themselves....that work is really gratifying.

Q: What's the hardest thing about what you do?

A: For me it's been keeping my hours under control. For years I worked way over 40 hour weeks, partly because I have a hard time saying no, and partly because I was always scared the job I was being offered would be the last one. I don't have that fear so much anymore, which has helped me get on a more reasonable schedule.  Plus my husband doesn't want to be married to a workaholic, so he's helped me reign in my hours, as well.

Q: What would you do if you weren't doing this?

A: If I were to take a full-time job in advertising, it would be as a Creative Director at an ad agency (and I know just where I'd want to go). I also have dreams of leaving advertising altogether to run a flower shop or a funky little motel or a coffee shop. I'd also love to figure out a way to get someone to pay me to snowboard and/or make creative stuff all day. Sigh. A girl can dream...

Oh, and also once we have a kid or two, I don't want to stop working entirely, but I want to cut way back. My husband's going to be done with school, too, in a year, which'll help make that a reality.

Q: What advice would you give to someone who wanted to do what you do?

A: I'm sure there are lots of ways to get into this line of work, but all I know is the path I followed: Work hard, get trained at the best agency you can find, do a good job, go out of your way to cultivate relationships...keep everyone's contact information and don't be afraid to call on these people for help. And that goes both ways...help anyone who asks it of you.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)

XO

Image Credit: {Damian Ward}