"The Aquarium:" Some Thoughts on Grief and Loss, Coping and What it All Means

A fish in the aquarium in Stanley Park, Vancouver, BC.

Do any of you all read the New Yorker? There was an article in there a month or so ago (June 13 & 20, 2011) that I've been turning over in my head ever since I read it. It's called "The Aquarium," written by Aleksandar Hemon. In it, he talks about the illness and death of his baby daughter, but I think a lot of what he talks about is more universal than just that particular (horrific) situation. 

For example, the isolation he feels during his daughter's illness (and I've felt, through my brother's death primarily, but also through our recent miscarriage and years and years of trying to have a child) is so beautifully described: 

"...I had a strong physical sensation of being in an aquarium: I could see out, the people outside could see me (if they chose to pay attention), but we were living and breathing in entirely different environments."

Another thing that resonated with me is how often it's so hard for people to communicate with those dealing with intense pain of some sort (and vice versa)...this is something I've definitely experienced:

"One of the most common platitudes we heard was that 'words failed.' ... If there were a communication problem, it was that there were too many words, and they were far to heavy and too specific on others. ... We instinctively protected our friends from the knowledge we possessed; we let them think that words had failed, because we knew they didn't want to learn the vocabulary we used daily. We were sure they didn't want to know what we knew; we didn't want to know it, either."

One of the things I find hardest about the tough things that have happened to me is people telling me to find the meaning/the good in what's happened. I don't believe there is meaning or good, and neither does Mr. Hemon:

"One of the most despicable religious fallacies is that suffering is ennobling--that it is a step on the path to some kind of enlightenment or salvation. Isabel's [his daughter's] suffering and death did noting for her, or us, or the world. We learned no lessons worth learning; we acquired no experience that could benefit anyone."

It's a heartbreaking article, but one that is so worth reading in its entirity.

Anyway, I hope something in these excerpts helps someone better understand/process what they are thinking/going through, the way they helped me.

XO

FET Update: Anxious and Cranky, But Things Are Generally Good

Wanted to post a little update on how everything's going with my FET:

• Ugh...the drugs. Feeling really anxious and cranky since returning from my trip and I know it's the drugs so trying to just ride it out...also think the fact that I can't get a good workout in has a lot to do with it as that is where I normally turn for stress relief (my clinic doesn't want me sweating at all because of the patches, and I can't get any sort of decent workout in without sweat, so...)
• Tired too, but as much as I want to blame that on the drugs, I think it has more to do with the fact that some of my Santa Barbara friends are super young, and we had some late nights trying to keep up with those guys. :) Plus a 3 AM wakeup call Sunday morning to make a 7 AM flight out of LAX...
• Traveling with meds was fine, by the way. I had a little red cooler and ice packs and a doctor's note which I didn't even need. Sailed through airport security...no one even batted an eye. Stuck the meds in the fridge at the hotel. Also, I ended up not needing a blood draw while traveling...my clinic said it was fine to wait until Monday
• Had my first blood draw and my hormone levels are right where they should be...yay!
• Only four more days of shots! Yay!
• Lining check and another blood draw on Saturday
• Over to Denver (where my clinic is) for the week starting Sunday
• Ten days to transfer! Yay, yay, yay! I am so ready!

So overall everything's good. My whole life feels like it's on hold until beta day, though. Wish I could keep things more normal through this process, but not feeling like myself and not being able to exercise at all and not feeling like I can concentrate on anything so reading and writing are out. Trying to figure out things I can do to pass the time and actually enjoy this beautiful summer, vs wishing the next days and weeks away, you know?

XO

Santa Barbara Wedding Weekend!

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm happy to report that Santa Barbara was fun, fun, fun! (More later on how the pain I've felt being there in the past just slipped away.) A few pictures for you:

1) Our room at the fabulous Presido Motel, with funky stencils on the wall and colorful paper cranes hanging from the vaulted ceiling. If I ever open up a motel, I want it to be like this.

2) Me on the beach at Miramar...not a surf beach, but one of my favorite places to take dogs to run in the sand and splash in the surf.

3) A mosaic mural at Hendry's.

4) These houses right at water's edge...what a dream it would be to live like this...

5) Our absolutely gorgeous bride and her father at the wedding rehearsal. Love the dress, Jules...you look amazing! :)

6) The wedding was held in Alice Keck Park...so lush and green...it was absolutely perfect.

7) Our friends Dave and Mel after brunch the morning of the wedding.

8) The bride and groom at their reception, Carr Winery.

Such a fun, sunny, happy trip.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XOXO

Excitement and Trepidation and Trying to Let Go of the Pain

I'm going to Santa Barbara tomorrow, with my husband, for a wedding. And I'm SO happy to be going, so excited for my friends getting married, it's going to be great to see them and others, and it's going to be fun to be in Santa Barbara with my husband, because we spent a lot of time there when we were first dating, him coming down from Alaska and later Seattle to visit me the last months that I lived there. I know we're going to have a great time...everything about this trip is going to be happy and positive. 

But.

Santa Barbara's where I lived with my brother. It's where he was killed. It's a place I didn't want to leave, but felt like I had to. This is kind of hard to describe, but in a lot of ways, when my brother died, I felt like I died too, like we had both been exiled from this place and this life that we loved.

I've fought hard to build back a new life for myself, and it's a good life, but it's drastically different from the one that I had, and it's hard to be reminded of that old life, you know? I usually do a pretty good job keeping the hurt I still feel over my brother's death and the loss of Santa Barbara and my beach-y California girl surfer lifestyle under wraps. But going there...it can't help but come to the surface.

I keep thinking about this quote from the TV show Six Feet Under--I love love love that show, by the way...I'm going to do a post about it one of these days--that I read on the fabulous blog Mocking Bird over the weekend:

(David is talking to his dead father, Nathaniel.)

Nathaniel Sr.: You aren't ever grateful, are you?

David: Grateful? For the worst fucking experience of my life?

Nathaniel Sr.: You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilites, and all he can do is whine.

David: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Sr.: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?

David: It can't be that simple.

Nathaniel Sr. (putting his arm around David and pulling him closer): What if it is?

I'm trying to let the pain go. I swear. 

P.S. The last of our plans for the weekend just fell into place. I truly am sooooo incredibly excited to see so many people I love.

Back Monday.

XOXO

"I'm Scared Too..."

Graffiti in a Vancouver alleyway...

XO

Mr. Fuzzles

Mr. Fuzzles, the yeti (and our future child's first toy).

So on our vacation, my husband and I did something we've never done before: buy something for our future child. We were at Whistler, and my husband thought the stuffed yetis (one of the mascots for the 2010 Olympics) were adorable.

"We can get one if you want, hon," I said to him. "It's hopeful, right?"

"Yeah," he said. "And like bribery. We haven't tried bribery yet. I'll rub it on your tummy during the two week wait and say 'hey little baby, stick around, we've got super fun toys for you...'"

So we bought the yeti, which my husband promptly named Mr. Fuzzles.

He's on the shelf in our bedroom now, all ready for the two week wait...

XO

FET Update

Baby birds over at my mom and dad's. They're so cute...they sit there with their mouths open waiting for their mom to come back with something to eat.

Here's the latest as far as what's going on with my FET:

• About 2 1/2 weeks to go until transfer! Yay!
• Lupron has not been fun. Insomnia. General moodiness (work stuff irritates me vs me being able to let it roll off my back. My husband says I'm hyper-sensitive around him...poor guy). Serious anxiety about things both relevant and ridiculous. Ugh
• Started the estrogen patches today...yay for another step in the process!
• We're flying to California next week with Lupron, which has to be refrigerated...that's going to be a minor challenge. Also, I need to get blood drawn while I'm in Santa Barbara...need to figure out the logistics for that...I'm sure it's no big deal...
• I'm worried about some things my clinic has told me not to worry about, like will the embryos thaw? (This is my first FET.) I have a friend who did an FET and many of her frozen embryos did not make it through the thaw. But I'm a different person at a different clinic, and my clinic says not to worry, so I'm trying to put the thought out of my mind. Also worried that my lining won't be OK, although my lining has never been an issue
• My general state of mind is good overall. Actually, I oscillate between two states: 1) That I am going to get pregnant this cycle, no problem (and I keep thinking about twins...) and 2) That this is never going to work for me, all the years and money and strain on our marriage and strain on my body and tons of extra hours worked to pay for all this are going to be for nothing, it's just torture we have to go through for no reason, and can we please just hurry up and get this (meaning this FET and the ones to potentially follow...we're not doing any other medical interventions once our frozen embryos are gone) over with so I can have my body and my life back? Trying hard to stay in State #1, but late at night State #2 sometimes creeps in...
• I'm glad we went on the trip we just went on (and also we are going away for a long weekend next weekend)...I feel really relaxed and because I got pregnant last IVF, I'm trying to replicate the steps involved there, which included a vacation, eating in a really balanced manner (more [healthy] carbs than I generally want to eat), a massage a couple of days before transfer, etc. Even though I miscarried last round, I just kind of have this superstitious feeling that if I do everything the same, I'll get pregnant again
• Trying hard to stay calm, calm, calm...so far, so good...

Salt Lake City to Colorado, Day 15

The hills outside Salt Lake City are so lush and green right now.

Ahhhh...so happy to be home!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

XO

Boise to Salt Lake City, Day 14

This fountain's called "Flutter" and is made up of 10 or so of these jellyfish-like domes of water. If you put your hand in the water it's so soft and gentle...no force behind it at all.

We thought about driving all the way home today, but decided it'd be nicer to have one more day on vacation. Stayed at the Hotel Monaco in SLC, which was a splurge and such a treat (on the road we usually stay in cheap roadside motels). Walked around Temple Square, which is such a beautiful and peaceful place...the architecture! The gardens! The fountains! Then we had dinner at the hotel's restaurant and I had things I hopefully won't be able to have again for 10 months or so--things that are forbidden when you're pregnant like wine and soft cheeses and a tuna steak that was essentially rare. Nice to have a special dinner to say goodbye to those things. Also so nice to have an evening out alone with my husband...we've been with our best friends for the past two weeks and it's been amazing, but it's unusual for me and my husband not to have time alone. 

A five-hour drive tomorrow and then we're home...can't wait!

XO

Seattle to Boise, Day 13

A farm in Idaho, shortly before sunset.

Driving home today:

• Lots of beautiful farmland 
• High, high winds
• NPR on the radio (interspersed with pop music)
• Lunch in a restaurant with a 6-foot-high, 3D mosaic turtle
• Crossed the 45th parallel, which is exactly halfway between the equator and the north pole
• A huge arching rainbow, colors really intense

More tomorrow...

XO

Seattle, Day 12

The Seattle skyline from the Bremerton ferry.

Took a little day trip to the Olympic Peninsula today, out to Tahuya where my grandparents had a home for many years. Their house was right on the Hood Canal, and I came out every summer when I was a child. I used to pick blackberries and mushrooms and gather oysters for dinner with my grandfather. My grandmother used to sew me dresses. My grandpa used to take me on canoe rides after dinner. I learned to ride my bike on their sloping grass hill. I had vanilla ice cream with raspberries still warm from the vine after lunch every day. Such good memories.

The house is still there, although looking a little run down. The salty, grassy, pine tree smell is still there, too. The whole area looks about like it did when I was little...nice to see in a world full of perpetual change.

After, we took the ferry back to Seattle. The ferry's so fun.

Heading home today...we'll take two or three days to drive back, depending on how we feel. Sad to leave, but also anxious to get back to my puppies and routine...

XOXO

Seattle, Day 11

This is Lucy. Love, love, love this dog. Isn't she the cutest thing ever?

Slept in. Lounged with our friends' puppies, Lucy and Gibson. Got a little work done. Found a beautiful purple ruffly silk dress for the wedding I'm attending next week (and how fun to get to shop with my fabulously stylish friend!) Had Mexican food and margaritas at Mama's...yum. Viewed another epic slide show back at our friends' house (yesterday was our most recent vacation and their recent trip to Europe, today the vacation/wedding trip of mutual friends of ours).

We are having the best time...don't want it to end...

XO

Seattle, Day 10

Lake Washington, near Seward Park, looking down from the picnic table where we had our BBQ.

Back to Seattle for the last few days of our trip. Staying with my best friend and her husband, and we had the most amazing day yesterday. Brunch. A walk in the arboretum. Nice warm weather and a BBQ at the lake. Heaven. 

Whistler, Day 9

Mountains on the way up to Whistler from Vancouver. Canada is so incredibly beautiful.

So we left Vancouver this morning and drove up to Whistler...what an amazing drive, water and mountains, clouds and sun, waterfalls, a bear, etc. Incredible. We went up onto the mountain in the gondolas hoping to hike up there, but there was so much snow at the top. Still, the scenery was beautiful, and we rode the peak-to-peak gondola with the glass-bottomed floor so every way you looked was just this spectacular mountain scenery. Couldn't have asked for a nicer day.

XO

Vancouver, Day 8

Looking into Stanley Park across one of the harbors. We spent a good part of the day in the park, and I feel like we barely scratched the surface...

Waited out the heavy rain this morning, which gave way to a beautiful sunny afternoon. Chinatown for lunch (surprised by how small Chinatown is here...so much smaller than the ones in Seattle and San Francisco), and then hours hiking the trails in Stanley Park, some time at the aquarium, a visit to the park's totem poles, a walk back to our hotel. Lovely, mellow, tourist-y day.

XO

Vancouver, Day 7...And I Start Lupron Today!

Vancouver buildings at night...

Happy Friday Everyone!

We're spending the next few days in Vancouver, a city I haven't been to since I was a teenager. It's spectacularly beautiful up here, so lush and green and mountains and water everywhere and in the city itself has such beautiful architecture, such an interesting mix of old and new buildings.

Drove up from Seattle yesterday with my husband and his best friend, checked into our downtown hotel, and then spent the rest of the afternoon/evening wandering around a few sections of the city. We:

• Browsed in an Indian art gallery, where there was a bird mask I really wanted to buy--red and white and black with a big beak and a tongue sticking out and a raffia-like substance for hair--my husband said it was too scary (and too expensive)
• Checked out the incredibly cool furniture in the sleek modern furniture stores in the Gastown neighborhood 
• Watched the old-fashioned grandfather-like steam-powered clock that chimed on the quarter hour...so charming...
• Had beers at a little Irish Pub with big, comfortable, cushion-y chairs...it was like sitting in someone's living room...lovely...
• Ate what was seriously one of the best meals of my life at Nuba, Lebanese cuisine in this hip little underground space. I want to go back, but it would be a shame not to explore more of Vancouver's restaurants...

And in fertility-related news...I've been doing OK on the hormones in the birth control pills I'm taking, although earlier in the week I puked for no reason (probably unrelated, but on the other hand, I never puke) and I've been feeling a little moody (not too bad) and worn down (not sleeping great...also probably unrelated). AND, today I start Lupron shots! Not looking forward to those, but it's one step closer to the transfer...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

XO

Seattle, Day 6

A cloudy and cool walk on Alki beach, watching the ferries glide by...

Part of the reason we're on vacation is because we vacationed before my last IVF cycle, and I got pregnant, and I think being relaxed from that trip had something to do with it. Hoping to get pregnant again, obviously, and figured another trip couldn't hurt. 

Went all out on the relaxation front yesterday, with a nice little stroll on the beach in the morning, and an afternoon at the Olympus Spa. Love that place and have never seen anything else like it. There are a number of pools kept at different temperatures, a steam room, a sauna, and then a variety of rooms, most of them hot, you can go into and lie down...one with salt under sheets on the floor, one with sand, one with charcoal lining the walls, etc. There are pillows to lay your head on and you go from pool to steam to sauna to rooms...it's heaven. Not to mention the treatments...yesterday I had a body scrub and massage and moisturizing treatment.

I have a friend originally from Belarus here in Seattle, and she took me to this spa the first time...it's a great way to spend an afternoon with a girlfriend, although I went by myself this time and it was good to have some time for me, to get really relaxed and centered. Wow I really needed that indulgence...feel like a new woman. :)

XO

Seattle, Day 5...And I Feel Such a Connection to This City

I love the Seattle library so much we had to go walk around in it. Here's a view of downtown looking out from some of the library's diamond-shaped windows...

Ah, Seattle. It's really unfair for me to show up here on a brilliantly sunny day in June, stay on Alki Beach, not have to work, and feel like this is a typical day in the city, but there it is.

I have such a love for Seattle, and a long history here:

• My father grew up here, and his family's been here for multiple generations. When I was little, every summer I would come visit my grandparents, who lived outside the city, but I always flew into Sea Tac and spent time in the city. What I remember most is the soft humidness of the air, the smell of saltwater, the screetch of the seagulls...
• I lived here a summer in college, with my grandparents in the Queen Anne neighborhood
• Right after college I moved here, lived here for a year and a half, worked my first job here, made some amazing friends, had the first serious love of my life...just generally had an absolute blast being young, feeling like absolutely everything was ahead of me (which it was)
• Fast-forward a number of years...my husband was working in Alaska when I met him, but returned to Seattle shortly thereafter. We did long-distance between Seattle and Santa Barbara, and it was in this city we fell in love
• And then I moved here to be with him...that's how I left California...but that move was short-lived as I was heartbroken over my brother dying and having to leave the house where my brother and I had lived together in California...and I came from sunny Southern California in January and it was too much of a shock to go from there to the dark and gray when I was already so incredibly sad. Six months later, we moved to Colorado to be closer to my family and that was absolutely the right decision, although lately both my husband and I have been really missing Seattle...

It feels so good to be here...for my husband too. Yesterday was such a great day of sitting on the sand on the beach, taking the water taxi from West Seattle to downtown, wandering around downtown taking pictures and girly shopping (Anthropologie, Lush, Fireworks, Twist...there's no shopping where I live...got to get my fix while I'm traveling). And then we went over to Queen Anne where we used to live together and had dinner at Pesos, which is one of my favorite restaurants in the world...their carne asada is to die for. Yesterday was the solstice, too, and it's cool to be here for the solstice...it got light about 4 AM in the morning and there was still light in the sky at 10 PM.

Loving being in Seattle...

XO

Ashland, Oregon, Day 4

Hi Everyone!

So after camping, my husband and I drove up the California coast (so beautiful! So great to see waves and cars with surfboards on them!), had an amazing fried oyster lunch in Crescent City (I don't eat a lot of seafood in Colorado...eating as much as possible while on the West coast), and then went inland to Ashland, OR. I have a wonderful friend who lives there (this is her backyard, above...I didn't realize how much I want to live in a place like this with all the greenery surrounding it until I went to visit her).

My friend and her husband barbequed for us, and then we went to see a free concert, sitting outside on the grass with the guys playing bagpipes and a digeridoo and hippies dancing, and we had ice cream, and played board games, and generally just had a lovely time. We also the next morning got skinny, skinny french baguettes with ham and thyme butter and took a litle stroll in Lithia Park, one of the loveliest urban parks I've ever seen, with brilliant pink azaleas blooming and the creek burbling through.

Love Ashland and was so awesome to see my friend! 

XO

Northern California, Days 2 and 3

This past weekend we went camping with a group of friends in Humboldt Redwoods State Park. So fun, and so lovely to see some of my friends from college and San Francisco days! Some cool things that happened:

• We got to the campground via CA-36, which goes right by Lassen National Park (volcanoes)...the most scenic drive imaginable but so twisty and turn-y and LONG...probably the only time in our lives we'll do that road, but the snow-covered volcanoes behind meadows full of wildflowers and blue alpine lakes were unbelievably beautiful
• Camping under the enormous redwoods was amazing. It smells so good up there, and the trees tower so high...it's amazing to tilt your head back and look. The wind sounds lovely blowing through the trees and sometimes the trees squeak like a squeaky door...
• There was a little path down to the Eel River, which had sandy banks and it was warm down there...cool in the forest...Saturday afternoon hanging out in the warm sand on the riverbank was just heaven
• S'mores in the evenings. Enough said
• And have I mentioned how much I LOVE campfires? I wish I could sit around a campfire every evening...
• Saturday afternoon we played tourist for a little while and drove down the road to a place where you can pay $6 to drive through a tree. It was scary to drive through a tree...there is not much clearance. Also at the drive-through-a-tree tourist trap, there were these little tree houses (above). I sat inside each in turn and I wished I was eight again and had one of these in my back yard. How cute is the little white bunny over the door of the one on the right? 
• In one of the redwood groves we stumbled upon a drum circle, and this is so cliche Northern California but it was actually really magical to be among these enormous ancient redwoods listening to drums. Amazingly cool

Hope everyone has a great week!

XO