Mississippi Update
Hi Everyone!
Those of you who have been following along for a while know my husband is about to graduate college in the spring (he went back on the GI Bill), and one of our big priorities for 2012 is getting him a good job. With that may come a move. (Yeah, not long after we have twins. Crazy, I know. But...deep breath...it's all going to work out.)
Some of you may remember us going to Mississippi about six weeks ago to check out an opportunity down there. I'd never thought of Mississippi as a place to live, but where we were potentially going to go was right on the gulf coast and it was lovely.
Long story short, though, Mississippi's not going to happen.
The bummer is that it would have been nice to have my husband's job taken care of. And I did like it there. And the warm weather...that would have been so nice.
On the other hand, I am a total outdoorsy girl and had a bit of a hard time picturing myself being ME in Mississippi. I mean, we would have made it work, absolutely, but I like climbing mountains, and snowboarding, and surfing might be nice again if we wind up somewhere where that's feasible... Also, I've always lived in the West (unless you count the years when I spent half my time in San Francisco and half my time in Boston), and that just feels like home to me.
So we're back to our original plan, which is to focus on Colorado, where we live now, and Seattle, where my husband and I have both lived before. California might figure in there somewhere, although it's not at the top of the list, mostly due to cost of living issues. And then if the right job appears in some random place (which is what potentially could have happened in Mississippi), we're open to it.
Stay tuned...
XOXO
2011: A Look Back
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
Hope you all have great New Year's Eve plans! We're laying low, which is fine. Unless we're traveling, I'm not a huge one for New Year's Eve, pregnant or not.
Like most everyone else, the end of the year is always kind of a reflective time for me. Thought I'd share some of what I've been thinking about:
January
We took a belated three-week honeymoon to Europe the end of 2010/beginning of 2011...spent New Year's in Prague (amazing...would do it again in a heartbeat) and the first few days of the year in Venice:
As soon as we got home, we got word that my husband's dad was very sick...we went straight to Las Vegas to be with him, and he died a week later. So hard, but I'm so glad we got that time together.
And then, straight to Denver for IVF #4.
February
The transfer for IVF #4 happened in February...AND we got a BPF! A good solid one, too...all my previous ones had been iffy and ended up being chemical pregnancies. We were so excited!
Didn't feel too bad for the first few weeks, and did some nice easy walks in the Colorado National Monument, which is super close to our house:
March
I was sick, sick, sick with the pregnancy.
We went to Vegas again to see and help my husband's mom.
Spring started to arrive:
April
We lost our baby, a girl, at 11 weeks 5 days...so close to being out of the first trimester and "safe." It was devastating, but my husband and I were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. We lay on the couch in the evenings and drank wine and talked and cried. And then when we couldn't cry anymore we watched episodes of "Wipeout" which is the most ridiculous TV show ever...have never watched before or since but somehow the stupidness and silliness was what we needed.
Family and friends were wonderful, too.
And got back to being active, with one quick weekend snowboarding trip with my brother (we took his snowmobiles out into the backcountry...he'd run me up a hill and I'd snowboard down). So fun even though the snow sucked as it was so late in the season.
I also started hiking, including an incredible day trip to Moab with my mom and dad.
One of the places I went a lot in those first few weeks after the miscarriage was Holy Cross trail. When I first moved to the area, I'd stumbled on this cross. Didn't learn until years later that I knew the woman who'd brought it into being, and it was for her lost child:
May
Tried to get my body ready for an FET...the D&C wasn't complete...another trip to Denver and our clinic was needed.
Worked hard to recover physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.
Life went on as normal for the cows across the street from my parents:
June
An absolutely lovely hiking trip with my Dad in Utah. We take a trip together every year...it is just the best:
And more "finishing the miscarriage" shenanigans and another trip to our Denver clinic.
And the start of our summer vacation, driving to the West coast to camp and hang out with tons of friends...so fun and exactly what we needed.
July
Summer vacation continued...from the start: Highway 50 through Nevada on the way out, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver, Salt Lake City on the way home. It was lovely. Here's my husband and I at a BBQ with my BFF, Lake Washington, Seattle:
We also went to Santa Barbara for a long weekend to attend a gorgeous wedding, and again got to spend time with lots of freinds...so wonderful.
And...back to Denver for the FET...stayed with my brother which is always great...had my birthday 2 days before the transfer, and on the last day of the month...another BFP! Yay!
August
Did a short camping trip with my brother, but for the most part sick, sick, sick.
Learned we had twins!
My mother's organic garden was going crazy...
September
Camped again, this time with my whole family:
Still sick, but all was going well.
October
A fun trip to Denver to celebrate our anniversary.
Other than that, laying low with the pregnancy.
The first snow up in the mountains was so pretty (this is at my brother's house, where he and I and my brother who died grew up):
November
Went with my husband to Mobile, AL and gulf coast Mississippi to check out a potential job. We celebrated his birthday while we were there...so fun, although traveling wasn't all that easy...
And later in the month, Thanksgiving at our house with lots of people. My husband and his mom did all the cooking! :)
December
Holidays at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains. Here's our boxer Newton playing in the snow:
My pregnancy at 25 weeks is still going strong! :)
So, all in all, a heartbreaking year with the loss of my father-in-law and our unborn baby. A year consumed with doctor visits. Lots and lots of travel (which probably won't happen again for some time). Lots of time with freinds and family. And the most joyous year ever, in that we are so close to bringing home two real, live babies--something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me.
A roller coaster year.
Praying that everything--two healthy babies, graduation for my husband and hopefully a good job offer, a possible move to we're not sure where--will go our way in 2012, which should be a year filled with happiness, but will also probably contain a number of huge transitions.
Happy New Year to you all! Blogging has brought me such joy this year--and your presence has been central to that. Thank you for being here, and looking forward to sharing all that will be 2012.
XOXO
Kristen
Seattle, Day 12
The Seattle skyline from the Bremerton ferry.
Took a little day trip to the Olympic Peninsula today, out to Tahuya where my grandparents had a home for many years. Their house was right on the Hood Canal, and I came out every summer when I was a child. I used to pick blackberries and mushrooms and gather oysters for dinner with my grandfather. My grandmother used to sew me dresses. My grandpa used to take me on canoe rides after dinner. I learned to ride my bike on their sloping grass hill. I had vanilla ice cream with raspberries still warm from the vine after lunch every day. Such good memories.
The house is still there, although looking a little run down. The salty, grassy, pine tree smell is still there, too. The whole area looks about like it did when I was little...nice to see in a world full of perpetual change.
After, we took the ferry back to Seattle. The ferry's so fun.
Heading home today...we'll take two or three days to drive back, depending on how we feel. Sad to leave, but also anxious to get back to my puppies and routine...
XOXO
Seattle, Day 11
This is Lucy. Love, love, love this dog. Isn't she the cutest thing ever?
Slept in. Lounged with our friends' puppies, Lucy and Gibson. Got a little work done. Found a beautiful purple ruffly silk dress for the wedding I'm attending next week (and how fun to get to shop with my fabulously stylish friend!) Had Mexican food and margaritas at Mama's...yum. Viewed another epic slide show back at our friends' house (yesterday was our most recent vacation and their recent trip to Europe, today the vacation/wedding trip of mutual friends of ours).
We are having the best time...don't want it to end...
XO
Seattle, Day 10
Lake Washington, near Seward Park, looking down from the picnic table where we had our BBQ.
Back to Seattle for the last few days of our trip. Staying with my best friend and her husband, and we had the most amazing day yesterday. Brunch. A walk in the arboretum. Nice warm weather and a BBQ at the lake. Heaven.
Seattle, Day 6
A cloudy and cool walk on Alki beach, watching the ferries glide by...
Part of the reason we're on vacation is because we vacationed before my last IVF cycle, and I got pregnant, and I think being relaxed from that trip had something to do with it. Hoping to get pregnant again, obviously, and figured another trip couldn't hurt.
Went all out on the relaxation front yesterday, with a nice little stroll on the beach in the morning, and an afternoon at the Olympus Spa. Love that place and have never seen anything else like it. There are a number of pools kept at different temperatures, a steam room, a sauna, and then a variety of rooms, most of them hot, you can go into and lie down...one with salt under sheets on the floor, one with sand, one with charcoal lining the walls, etc. There are pillows to lay your head on and you go from pool to steam to sauna to rooms...it's heaven. Not to mention the treatments...yesterday I had a body scrub and massage and moisturizing treatment.
I have a friend originally from Belarus here in Seattle, and she took me to this spa the first time...it's a great way to spend an afternoon with a girlfriend, although I went by myself this time and it was good to have some time for me, to get really relaxed and centered. Wow I really needed that indulgence...feel like a new woman. :)
XO
Seattle, Day 5...And I Feel Such a Connection to This City
I love the Seattle library so much we had to go walk around in it. Here's a view of downtown looking out from some of the library's diamond-shaped windows...
Ah, Seattle. It's really unfair for me to show up here on a brilliantly sunny day in June, stay on Alki Beach, not have to work, and feel like this is a typical day in the city, but there it is.
I have such a love for Seattle, and a long history here:
- My father grew up here, and his family's been here for multiple generations. When I was little, every summer I would come visit my grandparents, who lived outside the city, but I always flew into Sea Tac and spent time in the city. What I remember most is the soft humidness of the air, the smell of saltwater, the screetch of the seagulls...
- I lived here a summer in college, with my grandparents in the Queen Anne neighborhood
- Right after college I moved here, lived here for a year and a half, worked my first job here, made some amazing friends, had the first serious love of my life...just generally had an absolute blast being young, feeling like absolutely everything was ahead of me (which it was)
- Fast-forward a number of years...my husband was working in Alaska when I met him, but returned to Seattle shortly thereafter. We did long-distance between Seattle and Santa Barbara, and it was in this city we fell in love
- And then I moved here to be with him...that's how I left California...but that move was short-lived as I was heartbroken over my brother dying and having to leave the house where my brother and I had lived together in California...and I came from sunny Southern California in January and it was too much of a shock to go from there to the dark and gray when I was already so incredibly sad. Six months later, we moved to Colorado to be closer to my family and that was absolutely the right decision, although lately both my husband and I have been really missing Seattle...
It feels so good to be here...for my husband too. Yesterday was such a great day of sitting on the sand on the beach, taking the water taxi from West Seattle to downtown, wandering around downtown taking pictures and girly shopping (Anthropologie, Lush, Fireworks, Twist...there's no shopping where I live...got to get my fix while I'm traveling). And then we went over to Queen Anne where we used to live together and had dinner at Pesos, which is one of my favorite restaurants in the world...their carne asada is to die for. Yesterday was the solstice, too, and it's cool to be here for the solstice...it got light about 4 AM in the morning and there was still light in the sky at 10 PM.
Loving being in Seattle...
XO
A Letter to My Brother, Six Years After His Death
How cool is it when your brother's in the band? A picture from one of his many shows...
Dear Luke,
Six years. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in others, that life I had with you seems so far in the past it’s almost as if it never happened. I hope you’re OK and that this hasn’t been as horrible and traumatic for you as it’s been for me.
Would you be surprised by the life I’m living? I had to leave our house in Santa Barbara, and all of California, behind. There just wasn’t the joy there without you. I never really surfed again after you died, which has been such a huge loss (although I brought three of the surfboards with me when I left, including the one with the panther on the nose that was yours but you always let me ride)…I’ve never been happier than early mornings in the surf with you. Once I stopped surfing, there wasn’t a good reason to stay. And I was seeing my now-husband (he had been working your old job up in Alaska, which is how we met)…he had moved to Seattle and I was so sad and lonely in the house you and I had shared…I thought maybe it would be better to go. I made the right decision to go be with my husband, but I’m still not sure if leaving California was the right thing. It’s hard to know if I miss IT, or I miss the life I had there that no longer exists. Would I be happy going back? I don’t know.
I lived in Seattle with my soon-to-be husband for six months…but it was winter and so grey and I was so sad…my husband thought I might do better closer to mom and dad, and so that’s how we ended up back in Colorado.
I’m married now, as you can tell. I work a lot less. I have your dog Dexter…I think he still misses you. I snowboard instead of surf (and sometimes when I’m out alone I sit on the side of a run and cry, I want you there with me so bad.)
My husband’s great…you would love him. We’re trying to have a baby, but that’s not going so well. I keep thinking a birth, some life, some pure joy would help me not to hurt so bad from your death and the loss of that whole happy life as a California surfer girl…I mean, I want to have a baby for so many more reasons than that, but I can’t help thinking having something happy to share with people instead of being the one who’s had to bear so many hardships…
I like to think of you in some happy and peaceful place, with a Jeep and my dog Shaye who died the year before you did, she’s hanging out on the beach while you surf the perfect waves and you don’t have to struggle anymore…you don’t have to deal with all the heartbreak you dealt with in this life, all the trying to figure things out and how are you going to find a girl to love and are you going to be an architect or stay the free spirit who can’t resist heading up to Alaska every time spring comes around. You don’t have to deal with disappointments and you don’t have to be sad when people you love die and you get to be the golden 27-year-old who did exactly what he wanted to do with this life—you’ll be that man forever.
I felt for a long time that when you died, I died too. I don’t feel that way anymore. There’s my husband now, and mom and dad and our brother, and I have such amazing friends and I’m trying to figure out something good to do with all the many years I probably have left. I do know life will never be the same without you. I’m glad it was you and not me, that you haven’t had to go through what we all have since you died (although I’m sure you would have done it with much more grace and poise than I). I’m not afraid to die, because it means I’ll get to be with you.
I love you, and please come visit me like you visit other people. I haven’t had a single sign that you’re in some way still here.
With love beyond measure,
Kristen
FAQ Fridays: Cupcake Royale
Q: Why are you missing Cupcake Royale?
A: I miss Seattle’s great coffee shops in general--with their amazing coffee and hip décor--but Cupcake Royale stands out because they’ve also got yummy cupcakes!
Q: What’s your favorite Cupcake Royale location?
A: It’s kind of a tie between Madrona (which I love because I used to live in the neighborhood, although that was years before it was hip enough to have a cool cupcake store) and Ballard (another neighborhood I’ve spent a lot of time in).
Q: What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?
A: So boring, but vanilla with pink frosting. Yum.
Q: OMG, how cool is their copywriting?
A: Their copywriting is too cute. Here’s the sticker that they stick to boxes of cupcakes:
The Proper Care & Handling of a Cupcake Royale
Please don’t scare the cupcakes by tipping or shaking the box. For fresh and happy cupcakes, do not store in the refrigerator of leave them out in the sun. And for the love of home-baked goodness, do not wait to eat your delicious cupcakes – ENJOY THEM TODAY!
And the note on their glass display case in their West Seattle store:
Hey kids (and you uber-excited adults):
Thanks for not scaring the cupcakes by banging on the glass.
Q: What’s your perfect Cupcake Royale scenario?
A: A drizzly afternoon sitting on the couch they have in Madrona having cupcakes and lattes with my BFF.
Happy Friday, everyone! :)
Image Credit: Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake.
(Check out her blog HERE.)
Missing Seattle: The House on Dexter Avenue North
About halfway up the long shore of this lake, closest to the viewer, a few blocks away from the lake in one of those patches of trees is the house my grandparents lived in. I came for long visits, sometimes whole summers, for years, and then lived with them the first few months I was in Seattle right after college, while I got on my feet. They called it the dollhouse and it was such a cute little Victorian, with a view of the lake and easy walking distance to downtown and the Freemont neighborhood.
Would love, love, love to own that house. Actually looked into buying it a few years ago when I moved back to Seattle, but it was the height of the real estate boom and the price was so high. Plus I was in the middle of leaving California and the house I'd lived in with my pretty recently dead brother and all the trauma that went with that and plus the fact I had no idea what I was doing. It just wasn't the right time to buy the house. Maybe someday it will be...would love to have that connection to my beloved grandparents.
Image Credit: Skunks.
Missing Seattle: The Arboretum
Seattle's arboretum is so beautiful in every season, and big enough to get a decent workout in if you loop trails together. It's like leaving the city entirely it's so thick and lush, and it smells so good.
I came here all the time with my first dog, Shaye, a great Dane/greyhound mix. And then with Dexter, my brother's boxer, when I lived here a few years ago. Sometimes I'd be babysitting my BFFs miniature schnauzer--the fabulous Miss Lucy--and she'd come along. She'd always get muddy and I'd have to give her a bath in the sink.
Mid-day mid-week the arboretum is all but deserted. Absolutely love it here.
Image Credit: Wade Rockett.
Missing Seattle: Pike Place Market
This is such a huge tourist spot, but locals actually go, or at least I did both times I lived in Seattle.
Back in the '90s, my lovely half-Italian roommate worked at one of the food shops here and made friends with the crab guys and would bring the three of us girls that lived together home fresh Dungeness crab and we'd melt a stick of butter and spread newspapers out on the living room's hardwood floor and feast. This happened all the time...it was wonderful.
More recently (four years ago), I lived in Queen Anne, which is right up the hill from the Market, and once a week or so I'd come down with my little red basket and buy vegetables and strawberries and fresh fish (although honestly, I like the fish market at the Fisherman's Terminal better, but that's another post). And the tulips this time of year, oh my. They grow them in Washington, you know, and the ones at Pike Place Market have the longest stems imaginable--they're like three times longer than normal. Those tulips were always one of the highlights of my week.
Image Credit: lucylu.
Missing Seattle: The Seattle Public Library
Rained yesterday, and is supposed to again all week, which is making me miss Seattle, so I think this week's posts are going to be about that city. I spent lots of time there with my grandparents, my dad's parents, as a child, and lived there twice--once right after college, and once for six months after leaving Southern California and before moving back to Colorado. And there's a good chance we'll live there again someday. The cool, dreary weather does get to me after a while, but that's probably something trips somewhere sunny could take care of. I've always felt a huge affinity for the city.
One of the things I miss is the public library, which is right downtown and across the street from the fabulous hotel where my husband worked, the Hotel Vintage Park. I don't know too much about architecture, but I love, love, love cool modern buildings like this--I first saw an exhibit about it at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art while it was being built, couldn't wait to see it live. And it works so perfectly in Seattle, letting in every scrap of available light. Many afternoons I spent on the top floor in front of the windows, waiting for my husband to be done with work so we could go do something together.
And, they have the greatest online check-out system ever. You just put the books you want to read on a list, and then they are all sitting together under your name in the pick-up area. That system spoiled me...I've had trouble easing into using the library here because it doesn't have it. On the other hand, it also seems to be where I started to have a hugely short attention span when it comes to reading--reading the first few pages or chapter of a book, failing to get engaged, and then putting it aside to start on another. I've been finding it really hard to get into books the past few years, especially novels. So much of what I'm reading just doesn't seem interesting/relevant.
Anyway, in my dream Seattle life, part of my weekly routine involves a trip to the public library.
Image Credit: fschroiff.