What If They Were Wrong?

I put away the baby sweater I was working on and started knitting this happy rainbow-y cotton cowl instead. Although it’s probably going to be too warm to wear it by the time I finish. Another little story about people being nice…my next door neighbor and I are in the same Saturday knitting group, and my colored thread was getting all tangled…she put aside what she was doing to help me untangle it and wrap it around cup warmers. Such a little gesture but so sweet and so nice.

All kinds of crazy thoughts going on in my mind this week (reference Tuesday’s post), and today it is: what if my new OB was wrong about the baby being dead? I mean, I know that’s not really a possibility, and it’s nothing personal with my new OB, because I trust her and don’t have any reason in the world to doubt her competence. It’s not about her, it’s just…what if there were a mistake? I felt this way when we went home after her telling us the baby had died. And I asked her right before they started drugging me for the D&C.

“There’s no way you could be wrong, is there?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “Unfortunately it’s a very clear diagnosis. There’s no question.”

So why do I have this nagging fear that with the D&C we killed a perfectly good baby by mistake? Is this the denial phase of grief or something? But it’s not really denial because I know the baby’s gone. Ugh, can all these crazy thoughts just go away? What’s going on with me?

Does Anything Good Come Out of All This?

My dad brought us daisies the day of the D&C...he brought me daisies when I was sick when I was little, so they have a really personal meaning. And my mom brought us this lovely little ceramic angel.

When my brother died, something a lot of people told me was you have to look for the good that came out of the situation. Like they would say, "If your brother hadn't died, you never would have met your husband," (which is a story for another post). I personally believe I would have met my husband anyway, but that's beside the point. Or they would say: "Think of how this has made you a stronger and more compassionate person." Well, I'm sorry, but nothing you gain is worth a person you love so much being killed at age 27. Nothing. Nothing made me madder than that comment.

And although I haven't heard that yet with the death of our unborn baby, I've been thinking about it a lot, for some reason. And while I'm still going to maintain that no good comes out of this situation, if I try to understand what the people who say this mean, I think it would be something like this:

People can be so kind, and you really don't always get to see that in day-to-day life. But you do see it when something bad happens. Like with my parents bringing us gifts last week and saying, "Let us know what you need, we're here for you." My friends listening to me cry and calling and texting to check up on me. My work and my husband's school making allowances for us. The kindness of the doctors and nurses the day we had the D&C. The love and support from everyone in blog-land. And back with what happened to my brother, all the people who helped the best they knew how--his best friends who moved in with me so I wouldn't have to live those first few months alone (my brother and I had lived together). My husband who I'd just met making sure I got the help that I needed. The 17-year-old who lived with me over the next year (another story for another blog post) helping me heal in his kind and gentle way. Etc.

Bad things remind me of the good in the world. Is it worth what you have to lose to find this out? No. But it is a nice thing to know.

PS. My brother seems to be sneaking into a lot of my posts lately. The anniversary of his death is next week, and right now he's pretty constantly on my mind...

Did My OB Take My Baby?

The "bleeding heart" blooming in my yard. Always makes me think of my brother who died...and now my baby, too.

So will you guys let me get all weird and metaphysical today? Just for this post, I promise...

As I wrote about a few weeks ago, my OB recently committed suicide. And my baby died at essentially the same time. And I'd just seen my OB and had an ultrasound and talked about the baby a few days before.

So here's what keeps running through my mind, and it's really upsetting me. What if when my OB left this world, she took my baby with her? I don't mean it like my OB did it intentionally, I don't think of it like that, I just think maybe there was a connection between her and my baby and if she couldn't stay, maybe my baby couldn't stay either. So if my OB hadn't taken her life, my baby would be OK.

Weird, I know. But the only time I've cried really hard about this (there's been lots and lots of kind of normal sobbing, but only one big freak-out)...anyway, the time I've gotten really, really upset about what's happened is when I've been thinking about this.

I sound like a crazy person today, but just had to put this out there.

Thanks for humoring me.

xo

"It Could Be Worse"

Got outside to work in our yard this weekend. Flowers blooming like crazy. It's good to get out...I've been so cooped up all winter. My mom was over the other day and said, "Wow, are you ever pale." Good to be out in the sunshine again.

My husband to me over the weekend: "How are you doing?" (A question we've been asking each other multiple times a day since we found out our baby had died.)

Me: "OK. You?"

Him: "OK." Pause. "It could be worse, you know."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "If the scale of bad is 1 to 100, with 100 being the worst, I figure this is about an 80."

Me: "Yeah, it feels about like an 80 to me too." Pause. "What would be 100? You dying? Me dying?"

Him: "Anyone we love dying."

Still feeling pretty raw a week after everything went down. Dealing with a lot of money stuff today as bills for the pregnancy have started coming in (I have a high-deductable health insurance plan so we're paying the first few thousand out-of-pocket), and we've talked with the clinic about the price for an FET (expensive, not as much as IVF, but still a lot of money we weren't expecting to have to spend.)

Just trying to keep telling myself, "It could be worse."

FAQ Fridays: Missed Miscarriage: What Happened?

Q: What is a missed miscarriage?

A: It's where the baby dies, but your body doesn't recognize that that's happened so it doesn't expel the baby like with a "normal" miscarriage. Apparently, it's very rare.

Q: What happened with your pregnancy?

A: I had a positive beta on February 17, which rose nicely on February 19. I had an ultrasound where they saw the heartbeat and the baby measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days (March 7) and another at 8 weeks 6 days (March 22). Went back to my OB at 11 weeks 5 days (April 11) and they told us the baby had died right after the last ultrasound, so somewhere in the 9^th week.

Q: Did you have any clue something was wrong?

A:  At 11 weeks 1 day (April 6) I had a tiny bit of bright red bleeding. My RE asked that my hormone levels be checked, and they were very low. They upped the medication and told me everything was fine, not to worry, there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping if something was wrong. My local OB said the same thing and that I didn’t need to be looked at…they’d just see me in a few days at my appointment. So with all that reassurance and the fact that I still felt so pregnant (nausea, exhaustion, etc.), I didn’t really worry. Maybe I knew though and was just trying to stay positive and not scare people around me (my husband, our families). I really wouldn’t let the thought that something might be wrong into my head.

Then on April 11, right before my appointment, I had my blood drawn and got the levels back. Still low, which made me really scared. And then my OB tried to find a heartbeat and couldn’t, and then looked on the ultrasound and told us.

Q: What did you do?

A: Went home and cried. Scheduled a D&C for the next day. Called my RE’s office, and they didn’t really have any explanation for what went wrong; neither did my OB. “These things happen,” is essentially what we’ve been told. 

Q: How was the D&C?

A: Awful, of course, but everyone was really kind, and it didn’t hurt other than getting the IV in. I don’t really remember it to be honest. After, my husband sat with me while I was monitored for about an hour, and when we got up to leave he hugged me and said, “We’ll never be in this room again.” It was such a sweet thing to say to me.

Mild cramping that day and the next. Pretty severe cramping that came in waves 2 days post-procedure. Feeling pretty OK today so far.

Q: How have you been since?

A: Beyond sad. Heartbroken. This is a really horrible thing to have to go through.

Q: Have you gone back to work?

A: I work at home, and have done a few hours here and there, but not much this week. Haven't been able to concentrate. My husband took the week off school.

Q: Were there a lot of people you had to tell?

A: Our parents knew we were expecting and are so sad as well, of course. We’d also told a handful of friends about the pregnancy, and they have all been really caring and loving and supportive about the miscarriage. One person where I work and my husband’s professors at school knew…they have all been wonderful, as well. We’ve gotten a ton of love and support this week, for which I am grateful. I’m also glad we didn’t tell more people than we did about the pregnancy so there aren’t a ton of people we have to explain this to. We were going to start spreading the news next week…so heartbroken we don’t get to do that.

Q: Do you know what’s next?

A: We’ll do a regroup with our RE, try to get a better understanding of what happened. We have frozen embryos--a fact that I am so, so, so, so grateful for--and we will do an FET as soon as they’ll let us…looking like July at this point. Pray that things work next time around.

Ugh, what an awful, awful week. So glad it’s almost over.

Miscarriage: Packing Up the Reminders

Just feeling wretched today. It’s three days after the miscarriage (or at least when we found out about it), and I’m trying to pack up the reminders, to put away anything baby-related. The ultrasound pictures are the hardest. The “congratulations you’re pregnant” bag my OB’s office gave me a couple weeks ago with formula samples, bottles, diaper rash cream samples, etc. The knitting book of baby clothes and what’s left of the baby sweater I was working on until my dog chewed it up. My list of what not to eat while pregnant. The baby name book. The list of baby stuff we wanted to start getting after the first trimester was over (which would have been next week) that my husband and I made at lunch on Monday, right before we went to our OB appointment and found out that our baby had died. The yellow-and-white baby blanket we received in the mail from my mother-in-law the same day. This sucks.

I’m feeling really sad today about the fact I’m not going to be pregnant this summer. And that we’re not going to have a baby in October…I was really excited about the fact that the due date was right around my dad and grandfather’s birthdays (they have the same birthday) and my mom’s birthday and my brother who died. It would have been so cool for the baby to share a birthday with one of them. We’re looking at a winter pregnancy and a spring baby now, assuming (and this is a big assumption) that all goes perfectly next time around.

And speaking of next time around, the fact that it might not work is killing me. The fact that there’s going to be no joy or hopefulness or excitement in the first trimester is so sad to me, that it’s just going to be this terrifying black tunnel we hope and pray we make it out of. I can’t imagine not getting pregnant. I can’t imagine getting pregnant and then 3 months of being scared every single day that my baby may be dead. And if I’m as sick as I was this time on top of it, ugh, it just sounds like the worst torture imaginable. I know I’ll probably feel better about everything in a couple of months. I don’t have to do it today. It’s going to be manageable and obviously, I’ll go through any sort of trauma I have to to be able to have a baby.

Just feeling really beat down and exhausted by this whole process today. But like I was saying yesterday, I know I just need to get through today, try not to worry about the future.

I am just so, so, so sad, and there’s no way to make the sadness go away. I just have to sit with it and it’s so very painful. I’m tired of being in pain. When is it going to be my turn to have happy things happen? I don’t expect my whole life to be happy, but there’s got to be some good things that get mixed in with the bad, right? There have got to be more happy days for me somewhere down the road. Or is life just going to continue to be one horrible thing I have to deal with after the other? I need a break from the bad, please, God. I need something good to happen. It’s been 8 years of one trauma after another in my life, and 5 years of month after month after month of heartbreak with this infertility thing. I feel like I’m reaching the end of what I can possibly bear.

D&C Today

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.

First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."

I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.

I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.

I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.

Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.

My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart. 

Friends and family have been wonderful.

I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).

I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.

Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.

And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).

Why why why why why why why????

11 Week 5 Day Ultrasound: It’s Over

My worst fear in being pregnant has been a missed miscarriage, which is where you’ve lost the baby but don’t know it. I haven’t talked about it, because in a weird way I thought doing so might make it happen.

Well, it’s happened anyway.

No heartbeat today at our OB appointment, and our baby hasn’t grown much beyond the 8 week ultrasound we had where everything was totally fine.

I had some scary stuff happen last week (which I’ll talk about at some point), but before that nothing, and after that I convinced myself that everything was going to be OK because I still felt so pregnant. My fertility clinic now says the placenta’s still in there making hormones, which explains why I’ve still felt like everything was going along as planned.

D&C tomorrow.

We are pretty much just numb at this point.

Ugh.

Oh, and PS, yesterday our dog Newton chewed the baby sweater I was knitting to shreds…the needle that was in the knitting is now in 10 pieces. My husband and I have been joking that the dog was trying to let us know.

And PPS, I can’t believe I missed the entire snowboarding season for nothing. My brother said he’ll meet me, though, if something (A Basin?) is still open once I’m recovered from the D&C. Bless him.

We’ll be doing a frozen transfer as soon as we can. Need to be nice to ourselves in the meantime.

Oh, and I know this post sounds kind of flippant and devoid of emotion…the shock and grief and anger are coming, I’m sure. Right now I just can’t believe this is happening.

A Day Full of Emotion

Bianca, the Jeep that I've had for 9 years. Decals, top to bottom: San Francisco Russian Hill parking permit, Channel Islands Surfboards sticker, my Santa Cruz parking permit for when I was down there surfing all the time. Hope you find a happy new home, Bianca!

Wow. A little too much for a girl to handle in one day. (Especially a morning sick one on the verge of throwing up all day.)

First, my OB. I had my first "real" OB appointment scheduled for today (vs my checks for the IVF clinic). This should be a happy, exciting appointment, but my OB died a few days ago, and are there ever a lot of tears in that office. My OB's nurse, who I absolutely adore, walked into the waiting room at the same time I did and we hugged and both started crying...this is before even checking in. This nurse is probably the work person most affected by what's happened--certainly the one whose day-to-day life is most disrupted. I feel terrible for her. And I'm sad because she's not going to be able to be my nurse anymore, as I'll be transitioned to another doctor in the practice. I love her and really wanted her to be with me through all the baby stuff, after helping so much with all the infertility stuff over the years. Emotional morning.

Then, OMG, we bought a new car! Big enough for a baby or two! Which is awesome! Yay!

BUT, I had to trade in my little Jeep Wrangler...I loved that car so much, I bought that car back when I was surfing every day and it's been up and down the California coast a zillion times, plus surf trips to Baja, and back and forth to Colorado. And my dad taught me how to 4-wheel in that Jeep, and not wimpy girl stuff either. Plus trips to Moab, and up and down the mountain to snowboard...I've got so many, many great memories in that car.

I almost started crying at the dealership. Why do people (or anyway, me) get so attached to cars? 

"You don't feel this way about your computer, do you?" my husband asked.

"No, not at all," I said.

"Think of it this way," my husband said. "Your Jeep's expanding with your waistline" (we got a new, bigger Jeep.)

Which made me laugh.

We're going to make lots of happy memories in this new Jeep, too. :)

Lullaby Playlist

Anyone who's actually been to Graceland has to have Elvis on their baby's playlist, right? This is a close-up of the stained glass in Elvis' living room. My dad and I went to Graceland last summer--had a blast.

So my husband said the other day that he read somewhere that if you play music or sing songs to the baby before it's born, when it hears the same music after it's born it'll be soothed by it. 

"The baby can hear by Week 8," he said. "Maybe we should make a playlist," which has by now evolved into separate playlists because what he wants to play for/sing to the baby is different from me. (Although he's got some good ideas. "Journey, Don't Stop Believing," he says. I can respect that.)

This weekend, I made my lullaby playlist (which my husband says is too hippie chick, lol). I love making playlists. I tend to make one every three or four months, and listen to it pretty much exclusively. Then that music is so embedded in that particular time and place in my life...it's really interesting how music so quickly takes me back.

Anyway, I wanted to use music I already had (so no buying new songs). Below, the annotated list, in order of the year the original version of the song was released:

• Over the Rainbow, Willie Nelson (1939)--this song so reminds me of my childhood
• Young at Heart, Frank Sinatra (1953)--we listened to a lot of Frank Sinatra when I lived in Seattle right after college
• Love Is Here to Stay, Ella Fitzgerald (1956)--from my brother Luke's music collection
• (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley (1957)--Elvis reminds me of my grandpa. Love him. Miss him
• Blackbird, The Beatles (1968)--God, I love the Beatles. I used to play this song on my guitar in the months after my brother died
• Your Song, Elton John (1970)--I'm sure I heard Elton John growing up, but what his music really reminds me of is college
• Rocky Mountain High, John Denver (1972)--my mom was a huge John Denver fan. I can sing entire albums start to finish. And every kid born in Colorado needs this on his/her playlist
• The Rainbow Connection,The Carpenters (1979)--again, a song from my childhood
• Old Pictures, The Judds (1987)--the Judds remind me of my dad for some reason, this song especially
• If I had a Boat, Lyle Lovett (1987)--I've always thought of this as a cute song for kids
• Take Me to a Place, Little Sister (1994)--a kind of obscure Austin, Texas band I saw live about a million times when I lived down there after Seattle. This might be my favorite song on the list
• Wonder, Natalie Merchant (1995)--these next three songs remind me of living in San Francisco, putting music on the stereo and going for a drive
• Heaven's Here on Earth, Tracy Chapman (1995)
• Dance With the Angels, Lisa Loeb (1997)
• Starfish, Sister Hazel (1997)--again, a song I've always thought of as a cute little kid's song
• How Do You Fall in Love, Alabama (1998)--so the baby will know how much his Mommy and Daddy love each other
• Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key, Billy Bragg and Wilco (1998)--this is such a great album...reminds me of driving to Burning Man with my lovely friend Chris the first year we both went
• Life Uncommon, Jewel (1998)--more songs that remind me of San Francisco...mixed in with driving to Santa Barbara to surf with my brother Luke, and then moving down there to live with him...
• The Lucky One, Alison Krauss (2001)
• Godspeed (Sweet Dreams), Dixie Chicks (2002)
• Nightingale, Norah Jones (2002)
• Blessed to be a Witness, Ben Harper (2003)
• Love Is Everywhere, Bob Schneider (2004)--another Austin musician I adore
• Wildflower, Sheryl Crow (2005)--this was on my iPOD on a long bus ride in Chile, down with a girlfriend of mine a few months after my brother Luke died. I sat in the back corner of the bus and sobbed. What an amazing trip that was, but I was just a wreck at the time
• Upside Down, Jack Johnson (2006)--A happy little Santa Barbara song...this reminds me so much of the 17-year-old who came to live with me after my brother died (long story for another time)
• Come Alive, Foo Fighters (2007)--oh, how I love the Foo Fighters. Need to see if there's an acoustic version of this song...might work a little better for lullaby purposes
• Umbrella, Rihanna (2007)--I wanted to have this be the song at our wedding (but we ended up having a really simple wedding where we didn't do that kind of thing). I love its message about standing together and helping each other through things
• Stars 4-Ever, Robyn (2010)--my best friend recommended this album to me...it makes me think of her...
• We Are Hot Dogs, Danielle Ate the Sandwich (2010)--again, a silly little kid's song is what I thought when I first heard this. And I love the refrain: "And I can't recall a feeling better than this."

Photo Credit: Growl Roar.

My First Baby Project!

Going to be making a sweater for our little baby...

I was going to wait until the first trimester was over to do anything baby-related, but my husband's been pushing me to trust that all will be well. We had such a nice day yesterday, he and I, just an errand-y kind of day, we looked at a family-sized (used) Jeep to replace my little Wrangler, and after, the sun was out and we walked downtown and shared gelato cones sitting on a bench and then went into our cute local knitting shop and I bought a book with baby projects. And yarn. Above is the test square I knit yesterday to check the gauge...I'm going to make a pretty little gender-neutral hooded sweater. Fun!

I haven't knit in a couple months because I haven't wanted to start something that's not baby. Going to be fun to start again. :)

Dreams of the Dead, and Is a Baby Going to Help This Situation?

I've written a little here about my brother's death, but not much. Mostly because the pain of it is still so close to the surface, even almost six years after the fact. (Kind of an unusual situation: we were living together/spending all our time together when he died.) My guess is I'll be writing a bit more about him over the the next month or so...his death was in April and this time of year that's where my thoughts seem to go.

I've had two dreams about my brother since he died--one many years ago, one last night. In both dreams, he was dead. The first one I don't even want to go into...the one last night he and my other brother, who is still alive, died by 4-wheeling way out into the desert where no one could find them, freezing to death (my brother who died actually died in a motorcycle accident).

Lots of people I know dream about my dead brother, and in their dreams, he is alive. My best friend had the following exchange with my brother in a dream:

Friend to brother: "Luke! Why don't you go visit your sister!" (My friend--his friend first--always used to boss him around; he loved it.)

Brother: "Nah, she's too sad."

I wonder if when I truly start to feel better if my brother will come to me in dreams. I really am doing so much better...the first few years after his death I was totally paralyzed...I'm not so much that way anymore...but the pain's still there and it's still very raw.

And I wonder: is this baby we're expecting going to help heal me? Will life and rebirth and joy in my life for once crowd out some of the death and isolation and grief?

Will I ever be healed enough to dream of Luke alive? I pray that will be the case.

Telling Work About Your Pregnancy

So I freelance, but I have one client that I've done enormous amounts of work for over the past five years...it's a great arrangement...almost like I'm a full-time employee. And my husband is feeling the need to get some things figured out, even though it's still early in my pregnancy...like, how is work going to be about me being pregnant? Are they going to be cool with me taking some maternity leave?

So I had THE CALL today, with the woman I guess you would call my boss. I was very nervous about it, for some reason, even though the company I work with--everyone there is so incredibly nice.

But there was no reason to be worried...they were thrilled for me and thanked me for letting them know so far ahead of time. They seemed very receptive to my ideal, which is 3 months maternity leave, so that was good to hear (and good to know for planning purposes). And we've already started saving for maternity leave...my husband's a good planner...we're going to make it happen.

And I hate to say this, because I wanted to put it off until after the first trimester, but my husband was right, it was good to have that conversation early (although I won't be telling the others I work with day-to-day for another month.) I always figured work would be cool about a maternity leave for me, but it's good to know for sure...

Pregnancy: Month 2

If you'd like, you can read about Month 1 HERE.

In a way, this month has gone by so fast, and in another, these four weeks have been VERY long. A little summary of what’s been going on:

• Exhaustion, although it seems to be dissipating somewhat. I’m not falling asleep every afternoon anymore, at any rate
• Nausea has kind of taken over my life (although no puking, thank goodness). Pretty much feel sick all day every day. Snacks generally don’t help. Seabands don’t help. Laying down doesn’t really help. I’m thinking popsicles may help…just put a batch of home-made orange-juice ones in the freezer for consumption tomorrow…the store-bought ones have sugar I don’t want but they seem to be the only thing that’s making me feel better these days…
• It’s ridiculous the things I can smell. I made curry two weeks ago and can still smell it when I come into the house
• No big food cravings, but lots of aversions. Chicken. Vegetables (especially raw). Curry (LOL). Etc.
• I’m not fitting into my clothes very well, but not ready for maternity clothes yet, either. It’s an awkward stage…
• Moody and teary. More than normal
• My husband has been the absolute best. Cooking me meals, dealing well with my sickness, trying to make sure we’re all taken care of (e.g., he’s been looking for a car for me that’s more family-friendly than my little 2-door Jeep Wrangler). You always hope your husband will be great when you’re pregnant, but there’s no way of knowing for sure until it happens. Mine has been phenomenal
• Struggling a little with pregnancy…just surprised by how uncomfortable it is and how the changes happening to my body are a little bit hard. I figured for me it would be pure bliss, after trying so hard to get pregnant, but that has not been the case. It’s been harder than I expected (and I never really considered the implications of morning sickness, truth be told). But I will say this: after dealing with infertility for many years--THAT is HARD, in a soul-crushing, what-is-wrong-with-me, will-this-ever-get-straightened-out, I’m-afraid-I’m-not-going-to-be-happy-if-we-can’t-find-a-way-to-make-this-work kind of way. Infertility is unbelievably, incredibly hard. Pregnancy is hard in a totally different, much less intense and much easier way…uncomfortable, but I feel like I’m dealing with things millions of other women deal with. I feel like I’m going through something normal, vs how I felt with infertility which was so totally alone (even though I know that’s not the case), like I was the only one in the world who couldn’t figure this pregnancy thing out

Bottom line: Month 2 has been uncomfortable. But something I’m so glad to bear for the purpose of having a baby. Still feeling incredibly grateful to be in this position. Things have also felt a little unreal, too…except for yesterday’s ultrasound, I’ve been feeling a little detached and not really convinced this is actually happening. I think I’ve still got my guard up, until the first trimester is over…

Ultrasound #2

Baby's on the right in the black circle. Little white circle to the left is the yolk sac. So amazing we get to see this...my mom told me today she didn't have a single ultrasound the whole time she was pregnant with me.

Wow, 8 weeks 6 days and we have what kind of looks like a little baby in there! (Versus the little round blob we saw on our first ultrasound.) According to the doctor everything is looking really good. I was so relieved to see the good, strong heartbeat. This is feeling more real every day.

Being in the Moment vs Wishing for Something Yet to Come

There's a poetry blog I love, and a few lines I read there yesterday have stayed with me as I struggle through the nausea and exhaustion of early pregnancy, often wishing for the first trimester to be over so feeling so sick will (hopefully) dissipate.

"...I prayed for--a second chance," the lines go. "Not for the world to be different, but for me to lean into wherever I am."

--From "Daily Practice," by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, March 19, 2011

Yet Another Thing That's Surprised Me About Being Pregnant That Shouldn't

Driving to Vegas tomorrow. We're staying downtown, which I like so much better than the strip...it's just kind of mellow and fun vs a total scene.

So this coming week is my husband's spring break, and we're going to Vegas! I'm so excited...it's just going to be great to spend some time with him. His mom and brother are there, too (that's why we're going, actually...his mom is recently widowed)...it's going to be good to see them.

I work at home mostly, have been wearing comfy jeans and T-shirts pretty much since I got pregnant. But today I go to pack and I want to look cute for Vegas, right? And have some outfits to dress up in in case we decide to do some fun things in the evenings? And I tell you...trying to find outfits that fit? Not an easy task.

OK, of course I knew I was going to gain weight when I got pregnant. And I thought I was totally fine with that. But the reality is after spending my entire life trying to stay as skinny as possible, to realize that 95% of your cute clothes don't fit and aren't going to fit for some time...that's a little sobering. Especially when you don't even look pregnant yet.

My husband came upstairs mid-packing and I got all teary (I know there's insane hormonal stuff going on these days too, so it's not all me being crazy). He's so sweet and supportive, I know he'll love me even as I, ahem, expand over the next months. He made me feel really beautiful and loved. And with his help I even managed to put together a few outfits. Plus he said we could go shopping.

Love this guy.

Stay tuned over the next week for (sober and nauseous and tired) dispatches from Sin City!

Happy weekend everyone. :)

Image credit: 8 News NOW.

Ultrasound #1

Not much to see but wanted to post as this is our first baby picture! The baby's on the right side of the black circle.

First ultrasound today. We've got one perfect little baby growing away in there. We could see/hear the heartbeat at 117 bpm (I'm 6w5d pregnant today). So exciting and magical to see actual physical proof that something is going on and all's well.

And one baby...I had been thinking a lot about twins...in a way twins would have been great because we would have never had to go back to the fertility clinic again. (We want more than one child.) But one just seems like it's going to be so much easier, you know? And we're not going to get the fertility-related questions that seem almost inevitable with twins. No offense to anyone with twins...twins are wonderful and magical and so very special...we would have been thrilled with twins, to be honest...but I think I'm ready to be just a "normal" pregnant lady without anything special going on, you know? I feel like I never get to do anything the normal way...I'm kind of grateful to have the more common type of pregnancy.

So happy and excited today!

Oh, and in related news, I got the seasickness wristbands that are supposed to help with nausea yesterday, and am feeling much better today.

Surprised By How Much Pregnancy Has Affected Me

I grew up around a "be tough, don't let anything slow you down" kind of mentality, which has, in a lot of ways served me well. Reflective of this mindset, I assumed that were I to get pregnant, it wouldn't affect me at all and I'd just go about my daily life like nothing was happening.

"Didn't you read anything about pregnancy?" my husband asked me yesterday, when I was telling him how surprised I was that this wasn't the case.

"Not until I got pregnant," I replied. "And besides, even if I had, I would have assumed it didn't apply to me."

But of course it has. Exhaustion. Nausea. Weirdness with food. And I've had to alter my lifestyle a lot. My free time generally involves outdoor activities. Normally this time of year, I'd be snowboarding like crazy...it's weird not to be able to do that. Pregnancy has slowed me down, no question. And it's not something I'm entirely comfortable with.

"Do me a favor," my husband said with a laugh. "Get some baby books BEFORE we actually have the baby. So you aren't taken totally off-guard again by what's coming. A new baby/ies is going to be hard. Wonderful, but hard.

"Oh, and I'm planning on reading the books, too," he said. Which makes me love him more than ever.

Trying to Eat Better

Rasberry smoothie for a snack this afternoon. Yum.

Feeling like a Q&A format today, so here goes:

Q. What have you been eating?

A. Toast with butter. Bagels and cream cheese. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Not a very balanced diet, truth be told.

Q. Why so limited?

A. I have this huge aversion to vegetables at the moment, which is totally weird...vegetables and salad are usually the mainstay of my diet. And meat just seems too complicated to prepare. Plus, I've been so tired I haven't been to the grocery store.

Q. But you know you should eat more than bread and butter and cheese, right?

A. Yes. Went to the store today with that in mind.

Q. So what's the plan?

A. Smoothies with OJ and berries and yogurt. A bean and vegetable soup that's in the crock pot as we speak. Apple slices with all-natural peanut butter. And stuff for sloppy Joe's later in the week...sloppy Joes sound good.

Q. Are you nauseous?

A. Yes, not horribly, but that's part of the problem, too. I read that a bunch of little meals/keeping things in your stomach helps, so I'm trying that.

Q. What else are you doing to make this situation better?

A. Asking my husband for help. He's awesome, so supportive. But he's really busy with school and doesn't always know what I need. I'm bad about asking. Need to get better.

Q. Are you keeping track of what you eat?

A. Today I made a little chart detailing what I'm supposed to eat each day to be healthy (3 servings protein, 6 servings whole grains/legumes, etc.)...I think it's going to help to fill that out for a little while. At the very least, it'll keep me honest as far as where the gaps are in my diet, so I can try to correct it.

Q. Did you know eating healthy was going to be an issue?

A. No. It's funny...I was talking with my husband about this earlier today...until I was actually pregnant, I wouldn't let myself think about what pregnancy was going to be like...too painful. So all that's come with this so far has been kind of a surprise to me. I mean, obviously I've heard about people craving pickles and ice cream, but I didn't know aversions to foods you usually like were part of the deal too.

Q. Anything else? 

A. I just want to be as healthy as I can and do the best I can for the baby/ies. In the food department, that's turned out to be harder than I thought. But I feel like today there's been progress.

Photo credit: Pym C.