Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood
Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!
Soooooo excited about December's PAIL monthly theme post: "Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood." This is something I think about ALL THE TIME.
First, a little background for those who don't know me well--these are the things that demand my time:
- I have 9-month-old twins, and we are going to try and have one more baby within the next year
- I'm married and my marriage is very important to me
- I also work part time from home. I work in advertising, as a copywriter/creative director. I've been freelancing for the past 10 years, so the work-at-home thing is not new, although the part-time thing is
- I also write, both fiction and non-fiction, and that is really my passion
- And I love being outdoors...hiking, camping, snowboarding, etc... ("me time")
- And then, there is the normal, keep-life-running kind of stuff that everyone has to deal with (chores, dinner, housecleaning, etc.)
Why I Work
The first questions I'm always asking myself is, "Why do I work?" Right now, my husband is job hunting, so it's a necessity, but soon he'll be working and we could make it on his salary. And I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom...my work is enjoyable and I'm good at it, but I don't feel any great drive to do it, don't feel like I'm contributing anything great to the world. But...I make a pretty good hourly wage, and me working allows us to do things we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. Plus, my husband wants me to contribute some financially, and I respect that. And part-time feels pretty manageable, so that's the set-up we have, and I think it's working pretty well.
(My husband would also want me to add here that although I THINK I want to be a stay-at-home mom, that would involve cleaning the house and ironing, both of which I hate and am terrible at.)
How I (Try to) Make it All Work
The second thing I'm always asking myself is, "Is this working?" I'm always wondering if I'm doing a good job juggling everything. Overall, I think the answer to that question is, "Yes," but there's no question some things are getting sacrificed along the way. A breakdown of what gets accomplished (and how it gets accomplished) and what gets neglected:
- Kids—My little ones are obviously my priority, and I'm really proud of the fact that while other areas of my life may be neglected, they are not. Weekends are all about them. Weekdays, I spend 6 AM to 9 AM exclusively with them, and then other pockets of time throughout the day (some days more than others, depending on my work schedule/deadlines). I also do their bedtime routine with them every evening except Sunday (date night). Their dad takes care of them while I work (will be his mom once he's working again), with my mom taking over once a week on Wednesdays
- Husband/Marriage—I make spending time with my husband a priority, do not put our marriage last on the list. Our situation is a little unusual in that he's home (probably not for much longer), so we get some time together every day. We almost always spend our evenings together, too. We also have a date night every Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad who babysit, and it's wonderful. I think it was my husband's fear that he would be totally neglected once we had kids...I'm trying hard to make sure that that is not the case
- Work—I've got the best clients in the world, really...they've been so great about the shift from me doing whatever, whenever, to having to have some boundaries so my kid time doesn't get eaten up. I've learned to say no to huge rush projects. To say no in general when I need to in order to keep my "to do" list manageable. To not travel (with rare exceptions). I try really hard not to work on the weekends. I feel like I'm doing good work...the main thing for me though is not to commit to too much...always a struggle, but I've done pretty well so far
- Writing—This is suffering. Actually, I include blogging in this category...my blog is very important to me...the connections it affords and also I see it as a record of my kids' childhood that will be so precious to me and perhaps to them too in the future, so I make time for it, but there's never as much time as I'd like. (I have 3 pages of things I'd like to do in this space and haven't gotten around to.) So blogging is getting some attention, usually after the kids go to bed or during naps on the weekends. But my other writing has totally fallen by the wayside and at some point, I want to correct that. The only time to write would be after the kids are in bed (or naps on weekends), but that's also time I want to spend with my husband, so... Something I've been thinking of doing is making one night a week my writing night...not a lot of time but better than what I've got going now. We'll see.
- "Me Time"—I love being outdoors, and the exercise is good for me. Love yoga too. I go in waves with this...sometimes I'm really good about getting out and getting some exercise, other weeks I just can't stand to be away from my babies. Generally I hike with my dad every Wednesday while my mom babysits, and my husband watches the kids once a week while I go to yoga. Sometimes I get out walking with the kids in the stroller, which is ideal, but it seems like it's always too hot or too cold, and one or both ends up fussy and that's not fun for anyone. Still trying to figure out the best balance here. And then stuff like snowboarding...a couple years ago, the season-pass-holding-on-the-mountain-twice-a-week me could not imagine not wanting to go, but now...I hate the thought of being away from the babies for a day. Snowboarding may just have to wait until they are old enough to be on the mountain, too. Oh and by the way, other "me time" stuff is pretty much nonexistent...reading and getting out with friends being two things I would love to do that just aren't happening right now. Oh and knitting. It would be nice to knit again someday...
- Daily Tasks—Here's where things really break down. Well, not really, because we have a housecleaner that comes once a week (God bless her) and my husband does most of the cooking (have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?) And we do shopping/errands together, so we get things done and spend time with each other and the kids all in one fell swoop with that. But there are chores I'm supposed to get accomplished each week and I am SO BAD about those. So bad. There is just not time and I'm always stressed about these things and they are never done in a timely manner and it drives my husband crazy and I am trying to be better about it but really, if there is a breakdown in the system better it be here than the attention the kids are getting, right?
Bottom Line
I have lots of help, and I prioritize. And I don't get everything done I want to (the things that are suffering the most are my writing and chores). My writing...honestly, I feel like if it takes a backseat for a year or two that's OK. And chores...everything seems to get done eventually. I am feeling really good about how much time I spend with my kids and how good my relationship with my husband is, also that I am doing a good job at work and contributing to my family in that way.
By the way, so excited about the possibility of three kids, but also scared because things are going along pretty smoothly right now...will three put us over the edge?
Once the list of other PAIL posts goes up, I will link to it here. Can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say on this topic!
XOXO
Salt Lake City Update: Big News!
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
Some of you may remember my husband, who is about to graduate with an engineering degree, heading off to Salt Lake City for a job interview a few weeks ago. Well...he got the job! And it is a really, really good job! With a signing bonus and moving expenses paid, lots of room for advancement (it's a big international company) and health insurance...so excited about health insurance...having to figure out our own health insurance is the worst part about me freelancing, especially when you figure two babies into the mix.
So we are moving to Salt Lake City this summer!
What I think is going to be awesome:
- My husband working full time, me working part time from home (4 years of school for him has been totally doable, but I'm excited to be able to back down on my workload and spend lots of time with the babies)
- SLC is only a 4-hour drive (or 45 minute flight) from my parents. The best thing by far about being in Colorado has been being able to spend so much time with them. But we'll still be able to see each other a lot since we're not moving very far away
- AMAZING snowboarding (I know, I know, I won't be going that much with two new babies, and that's OK...just good to know it's there). Hiking too
- A really good airport. Except for a brief period in Seattle, it's been almost 10 years since I lived in a place where you can fly pretty much wherever you want direct. Going to be so nice...
- Housing prices are really reasonable, so we are going to be able to find somewhere lovely to live
- An actual city with good shopping and restaurants and other city things (I've lived in cities most of my adult life...being in a small town has been a bit of a challenge). I know SLC doesn't generally pop into people's minds when they think cool, hip cities, but I am determined to find all the cool, hip places and enjoy the city to its fullest
What I'm a little worried about:
- Not being right down the road from my parents...it's been so, so nice to have that be the case for these past years
- I like Mormons...I have friends that are Mormon...but we're not Mormon and I'm afraid the Mormons won't like us. SLC is about 50% Mormon, and I think we'll be fine if we end up in a diverse area...just need to make sure that happens. On the other hand, maybe I'm worrying about nothing...
- I don't know ANYONE in SLC, and while I'm used to moving and making new friends, it's hard. Part of me wishes we were going somewhere where we knew people...
Anyway, that's the big news! Overall, we're SUPER excited...it's going to be great. :)
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week!
XOXO
Photo Credit: CountyLemonade
2011: A Look Back
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
Hope you all have great New Year's Eve plans! We're laying low, which is fine. Unless we're traveling, I'm not a huge one for New Year's Eve, pregnant or not.
Like most everyone else, the end of the year is always kind of a reflective time for me. Thought I'd share some of what I've been thinking about:
January
We took a belated three-week honeymoon to Europe the end of 2010/beginning of 2011...spent New Year's in Prague (amazing...would do it again in a heartbeat) and the first few days of the year in Venice:
As soon as we got home, we got word that my husband's dad was very sick...we went straight to Las Vegas to be with him, and he died a week later. So hard, but I'm so glad we got that time together.
And then, straight to Denver for IVF #4.
February
The transfer for IVF #4 happened in February...AND we got a BPF! A good solid one, too...all my previous ones had been iffy and ended up being chemical pregnancies. We were so excited!
Didn't feel too bad for the first few weeks, and did some nice easy walks in the Colorado National Monument, which is super close to our house:
March
I was sick, sick, sick with the pregnancy.
We went to Vegas again to see and help my husband's mom.
Spring started to arrive:
April
We lost our baby, a girl, at 11 weeks 5 days...so close to being out of the first trimester and "safe." It was devastating, but my husband and I were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. We lay on the couch in the evenings and drank wine and talked and cried. And then when we couldn't cry anymore we watched episodes of "Wipeout" which is the most ridiculous TV show ever...have never watched before or since but somehow the stupidness and silliness was what we needed.
Family and friends were wonderful, too.
And got back to being active, with one quick weekend snowboarding trip with my brother (we took his snowmobiles out into the backcountry...he'd run me up a hill and I'd snowboard down). So fun even though the snow sucked as it was so late in the season.
I also started hiking, including an incredible day trip to Moab with my mom and dad.
One of the places I went a lot in those first few weeks after the miscarriage was Holy Cross trail. When I first moved to the area, I'd stumbled on this cross. Didn't learn until years later that I knew the woman who'd brought it into being, and it was for her lost child:
May
Tried to get my body ready for an FET...the D&C wasn't complete...another trip to Denver and our clinic was needed.
Worked hard to recover physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.
Life went on as normal for the cows across the street from my parents:
June
An absolutely lovely hiking trip with my Dad in Utah. We take a trip together every year...it is just the best:
And more "finishing the miscarriage" shenanigans and another trip to our Denver clinic.
And the start of our summer vacation, driving to the West coast to camp and hang out with tons of friends...so fun and exactly what we needed.
July
Summer vacation continued...from the start: Highway 50 through Nevada on the way out, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver, Salt Lake City on the way home. It was lovely. Here's my husband and I at a BBQ with my BFF, Lake Washington, Seattle:
We also went to Santa Barbara for a long weekend to attend a gorgeous wedding, and again got to spend time with lots of freinds...so wonderful.
And...back to Denver for the FET...stayed with my brother which is always great...had my birthday 2 days before the transfer, and on the last day of the month...another BFP! Yay!
August
Did a short camping trip with my brother, but for the most part sick, sick, sick.
Learned we had twins!
My mother's organic garden was going crazy...
September
Camped again, this time with my whole family:
Still sick, but all was going well.
October
A fun trip to Denver to celebrate our anniversary.
Other than that, laying low with the pregnancy.
The first snow up in the mountains was so pretty (this is at my brother's house, where he and I and my brother who died grew up):
November
Went with my husband to Mobile, AL and gulf coast Mississippi to check out a potential job. We celebrated his birthday while we were there...so fun, although traveling wasn't all that easy...
And later in the month, Thanksgiving at our house with lots of people. My husband and his mom did all the cooking! :)
December
Holidays at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains. Here's our boxer Newton playing in the snow:
My pregnancy at 25 weeks is still going strong! :)
So, all in all, a heartbreaking year with the loss of my father-in-law and our unborn baby. A year consumed with doctor visits. Lots and lots of travel (which probably won't happen again for some time). Lots of time with freinds and family. And the most joyous year ever, in that we are so close to bringing home two real, live babies--something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me.
A roller coaster year.
Praying that everything--two healthy babies, graduation for my husband and hopefully a good job offer, a possible move to we're not sure where--will go our way in 2012, which should be a year filled with happiness, but will also probably contain a number of huge transitions.
Happy New Year to you all! Blogging has brought me such joy this year--and your presence has been central to that. Thank you for being here, and looking forward to sharing all that will be 2012.
XOXO
Kristen
First Snow of the Season...And How I'm Feeling About Snowboarding
So my husband's in the middle of finals, and came to bed after studying super late last night (4 AM), but I was wide awake (gotta love that insomnia).
"There's snow outside," he said.
"Really!?!?" I said and jumped up, ran to the window, and sure enough, white all over everything. Made me so happy.
This is our first snow in town (although it's been snowing up in the mountains). And, the local resort where I do a lot of my snowboarding is set to open Thursday.
I've kind of been dreading this, to be honest. I love, love, love, love snowboarding...since we moved back to Colorado, I've been getting a season pass and going 2-3 times a week, sometimes just for half days, but still. It's truly the one place on earth where I've felt real peace since my brother died...those good powder days on the slopes...and where I go is a little local resort so it's totally uncrowded...during the week it's not unusual to have a whole run to yourself. I just love it.
And I couldn't go last year, because I was pregnant, and it was really hard for me.
But this year...I am feeling so OK about it. I think because I'm much further along in my pregnancy, and am starting to really and truly believe actual real live babies are going to happen. And that is making me so happy. Maybe also because I've already had a year without the snow, so I'm used to it, too?
Whatever the case, I'm so glad I'm not feeling TOO sad about having to miss another season. It would be great to be up on the mountain, but there will be other years. And I'd much rather be sitting out the season vs the alternative...
XOXO
Image credit: Copper Umbrella via Etsy.
Grace in Small Things, November 11, 2011
Hi Everyone! Sorry for not posting yesterday...have been in a little bit of a funk, which is usually due to working too much (although I haven't worked much this week) and/or feeling sick (which is pretty constant these days, so not sure why I've been down the past few days in particular).
Anyway, what better time to take a look at what's good in my life, right? And so:
1) Minutes after I posted my list of baby stuff on Wednesday, my BFF called and told me I'm not going to be buying any of this stuff...that there is going to a baby shower and my friends will buy things for me (my friend Julie pointed this out too). Thanks girls! So excited about a baby shower! Makes me feel so loved! :)
2) My mom took me to see The Art of Flight the other night (the image above is a still from the trailer)...was screening at our little local college. It's a snowboarding movie where these guys essentially fly/helicopter into these remote places and snowboard sick terrain. Love watching this kind of thing. That's me in another life. And actually, now that I think about it, maybe part of why I've been down is I'm feeling sad about not snowboarding this year. I would 10,000 times rather be pregnant than have this snowboarding season, but it's not an either/or situation, right? I can be happy to be pregnant and still be sad I don't get to get outside. (I'm feeling especially sorry for myself because I missed last season due to a pregnancy [which ended in miscarriage] too. But two seasons for two babies is fair, right?)
3) My dad just got an iPhone and has taken to texting. He's out of state at a poker tournament and has been keeping me abreast of his progress. Fun...
4) Not working this weekend for the first time in forever (well, it's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like forever)
5) French cheesecake...which is lighter and airier than regular cheesecake. Have you all ever had it? Soooooo yummy...
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Image Credit: The Art of Flight trailer.
Kremmling and Rabbit Ears Pass
Hi Everyone!
Wanted to share a few photos today of my weekend trip with my brother. We met in Dillon, CO, and then drove to Kremmling, which is a tiny town to the north. There we took a walk around town, had Mexican food, hung out and got an early night's sleep.
Clockwise from above left: A fiberglass elk in front of one of the businesses, an old snowmobile on top of another, a cool old motel sign...love it.
Got up at 5:30 AM the next morning, dressed, had a quick breakfast at a cafe where they also made us sandwiches to go for lunch and got on the road.
Here's (above) a picture of Miss Leah, my brother's dog. My BFF gave Leah her pink sparkle collar...love that my brother still lets her wear it...it's so opposite what he would have picked for her.
No snow in Kremmling, but TONS at the top of Rabbit Ears Pass, where we went to snowmobile and snowboard. Top photo: The "rabbit ears" Rabbit Ears Pass is named for. Bottom photo: The snow we drove out into on our snowmobiles from the parking lot. Incredible amounts of snow up there.
Had never snowmobiled before...it's fun. And exhausting...tons of work to keep the machine where you want it to go. Early morning we found a great little hill my brother rode me to the top of and I snowboarded down. About 3 inches of powder and then kind of a crispy layer under that...but what can you expect at the end of April, right? But it was just me on the mountain so fresh tracks every run. By 10 AM the snow was not really worth boarding in it was so wet and sticky. So we rode around on the snowmobiles/dug out the snowmobile I got stuck over and over (hey, I was learning).
Super fun day. So incredibly happy I have a brother to go on little adventures with. Thanks Ben!
XOXO
A Little Break From All This...
An old friend of mine is visiting, which has been wonderful...took the day off yesterday and had fun running around town.
And today I'm headed up to the mountains to meet my brother. I know, I know, it's late April and not exactly snowboarding season, but I was so sad I didn't get to go this year, and for nothing with the miscarriage. It's going to be great to get out at least once. It's raining here so there should be snow in the mountains.
Back Monday...
Photo Credit: arielmatzuk.
11 Week 5 Day Ultrasound: It’s Over
My worst fear in being pregnant has been a missed miscarriage, which is where you’ve lost the baby but don’t know it. I haven’t talked about it, because in a weird way I thought doing so might make it happen.
Well, it’s happened anyway.
No heartbeat today at our OB appointment, and our baby hasn’t grown much beyond the 8 week ultrasound we had where everything was totally fine.
I had some scary stuff happen last week (which I’ll talk about at some point), but before that nothing, and after that I convinced myself that everything was going to be OK because I still felt so pregnant. My fertility clinic now says the placenta’s still in there making hormones, which explains why I’ve still felt like everything was going along as planned.
D&C tomorrow.
We are pretty much just numb at this point.
Ugh.
Oh, and PS, yesterday our dog Newton chewed the baby sweater I was knitting to shreds…the needle that was in the knitting is now in 10 pieces. My husband and I have been joking that the dog was trying to let us know.
And PPS, I can’t believe I missed the entire snowboarding season for nothing. My brother said he’ll meet me, though, if something (A Basin?) is still open once I’m recovered from the D&C. Bless him.
We’ll be doing a frozen transfer as soon as we can. Need to be nice to ourselves in the meantime.
Oh, and I know this post sounds kind of flippant and devoid of emotion…the shock and grief and anger are coming, I’m sure. Right now I just can’t believe this is happening.
Facebook--Love It or Hate It?
First off, let me tell you what I love about Facebook:
1) I love that it’s let me reconnect with a TON of people that may have been lost from my life forever
2) I love that my friends are easy to keep tabs on…you can get a pretty good idea what’s going on in their lives by visiting their Facebook pages
3) It’s also a quick and easy way to tell people hi or happy birthday or congratulations etc
I’m glad Facebook is there. I don’t want to get rid of my Facebook account.
But.
I don’t go on Facebook very often.
First of all, my friends are all over the country, and it makes me miss them. Terribly. And wish I’d lived the sort of life where everybody didn’t end up so scattered.
Then, I get envious, which is my worst personality trait, hands down. I think what it is is that I just miss people and places and things that I had in the past so very much…it’s hard to be reminded of those things. Like living in California. Seattle. Austin. Surfing. Snowboarding. Having my brother alive. Being super young and still having so much time to make choices and figure things out. Etc.
I’m also envious of things that I want that have not been easy to get. Like kids--I’m especially envious of ex-boyfriends who got girls pregnant accidentally, which is ridiculous because that’s not an ideal situation for anyone involved (although in the end there’s so much love for those kids…)
And there’s no reason for all this envy. I have a good life. I’m going to have a baby. I’m not that old. I snowboarded like crazy last year, probably more than any of my friends--had so many epic days and I’ll snowboard again. Ugh.
Also: No one struggles on Facebook. It’s just not the medium to talk about the troubles you’re having…thus, it presents this kind of skewed view of the world where everyone’s life is shiny and perfect. My life is not shiny and perfect, and it’s hard to see everyone else looking like that. (Not that I wish any sort of misery on my friends…it’s just good to know that you’re not alone in your struggles in this world, you know?)
Bottom line: I generally feel worse after going on Facebook than before. And I’m trying not to do things that make me feel bad.
Wish there was a way to use Facebook that didn’t make me feel so very sad…
Image credit: rafeejewell
My Dream Life, Part 5 of 5: The Coffee Shop (or Alpaca Ranch)
(See also parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.)
My dream life with my best friend involves this:
We all move back to California and buy and run a coffee shop, something along the lines of Reds in Santa Barbara (which sadly no longer exists as a coffee shop. But my SB friends will know what I'm talking about.) She and I will decorate it super cute, and she knows how to make coffee. Charlie, an old roommate of ours, will make the muffins and her husband is an accountant and can do the books and my husband is handy and can fix things. We'll have a passel of kids and dogs that everyone'll take turns watching and we'll go to the beach in the afternoons and barbeque at nights and it'll just be dreamy.
A variation of this dream originated with my husband's good friend in Florida, who had it in his head that he wanted alpacas. My husband and I were scheming about how we could buy a big ranch in southern Colorado, the San Juans which are so lovely, and raise alpacas. The ranch would have lots of little houses scattered over it so our friends could all live there with us. My best friend loves animals, so I know she'd be in. Someone would get a pilot's licence so we could make trips to the city. Maybe it'd even have a hill out back we could put in a tow rope and have our own little snowboarding mountain.
And then we found out what alpacas cost. Don't know how realistic a herd of alpacas is, unless one of us wins the lottery.
Don't know if any of this will ever come true. But it's fun to dream. :)
Image credit: Rahim Packir Saibo
My Dream Life, Part 3 of 5: Snowboarding
I wish snowboarding had been big when I was a child, and that my parents had had the money/time/interest to get me on a board as soon as I had the muscle coordination. In my dream I’m a pro snowboarder, at least through my early 20s, and then I get married and have a passel of kids and live in a little A-frame house in the mountains with prayer flags strung over the loft like a house I saw once in Vail. Funny how this dream doesn’t include any sort of education or intellectual success—things in my real life I’ve worked hard to achieve.
How to make this dream a reality? Well, I’m obviously not going to be a pro snowboarder in this lifetime, but that’s OK. I can still have the little A-frame in the mountains. Hopefully a kid or two. A life lived largely out-of-doors (although my husband, though he’ll go with me occasionally, is decidedly not an outdoorsy person, so that presents some difficulties).
My brother who died, he and I always planned to take one winter off together, live on the mountain, snowboard every day. Maybe there’s a way to make that happen. Snowboarding’s one of the very few places I’ve found peace since my brother died, one of the few things I genuinely want to do.
Hopefully this snow season I’ll be pregnant and sidelined. There’ll be many more seasons to come.
Photo credit: Mihai Japan.