FAQ Fridays: Missed Miscarriage: What Happened?
Q: What is a missed miscarriage?
A: It's where the baby dies, but your body doesn't recognize that that's happened so it doesn't expel the baby like with a "normal" miscarriage. Apparently, it's very rare.
Q: What happened with your pregnancy?
A: I had a positive beta on February 17, which rose nicely on February 19. I had an ultrasound where they saw the heartbeat and the baby measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days (March 7) and another at 8 weeks 6 days (March 22). Went back to my OB at 11 weeks 5 days (April 11) and they told us the baby had died right after the last ultrasound, so somewhere in the 9th week.
Q: Did you have any clue something was wrong?
A: At 11 weeks 1 day (April 6) I had a tiny bit of bright red bleeding. My RE asked that my hormone levels be checked, and they were very low. They upped the medication and told me everything was fine, not to worry, there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping if something was wrong. My local OB said the same thing and that I didn’t need to be looked at…they’d just see me in a few days at my appointment. So with all that reassurance and the fact that I still felt so pregnant (nausea, exhaustion, etc.), I didn’t really worry. Maybe I knew though and was just trying to stay positive and not scare people around me (my husband, our families). I really wouldn’t let the thought that something might be wrong into my head.
Then on April 11, right before my appointment, I had my blood drawn and got the levels back. Still low, which made me really scared. And then my OB tried to find a heartbeat and couldn’t, and then looked on the ultrasound and told us.
Q: What did you do?
A: Went home and cried. Scheduled a D&C for the next day. Called my RE’s office, and they didn’t really have any explanation for what went wrong; neither did my OB. “These things happen,” is essentially what we’ve been told.
Q: How was the D&C?
A: Awful, of course, but everyone was really kind, and it didn’t hurt other than getting the IV in. I don’t really remember it to be honest. After, my husband sat with me while I was monitored for about an hour, and when we got up to leave he hugged me and said, “We’ll never be in this room again.” It was such a sweet thing to say to me.
Mild cramping that day and the next. Pretty severe cramping that came in waves 2 days post-procedure. Feeling pretty OK today so far.
Q: How have you been since?
A: Beyond sad. Heartbroken. This is a really horrible thing to have to go through.
Q: Have you gone back to work?
A: I work at home, and have done a few hours here and there, but not much this week. Haven't been able to concentrate. My husband took the week off school.
Q: Were there a lot of people you had to tell?
A: Our parents knew we were expecting and are so sad as well, of course. We’d also told a handful of friends about the pregnancy, and they have all been really caring and loving and supportive about the miscarriage. One person where I work and my husband’s professors at school knew…they have all been wonderful, as well. We’ve gotten a ton of love and support this week, for which I am grateful. I’m also glad we didn’t tell more people than we did about the pregnancy so there aren’t a ton of people we have to explain this to. We were going to start spreading the news next week…so heartbroken we don’t get to do that.
Q: Do you know what’s next?
A: We’ll do a regroup with our RE, try to get a better understanding of what happened. We have frozen embryos--a fact that I am so, so, so, so grateful for--and we will do an FET as soon as they’ll let us…looking like July at this point. Pray that things work next time around.
Ugh, what an awful, awful week. So glad it’s almost over.
Dealing With Miscarriage, Day By Day
First of all, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who's been reading and--especially--commenting. Your presence and support really mean so, so much to me right now as I deal with the awfulness that is this week.
Today's been OK. Tried to work, which went OK, although it wasn't the most productive day on record. I work at home, so my day went something like this:
Answer emails and voicemails.
Go lie down in bed with my husband and cry.
Get everything in order for a regulatory review.
Talk with a friend who's called and cry.
Get on a conference call.
Go downstairs and sit with my husband and cry.
Etc.
My husband's in school, and they've been so nice to him...told him to take the rest of the week off. I'm probably not going to work much more this week either.
I slept through the night last night maybe for the first time since I started the IVF meds back in December. Yay for small victories! And physically I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I've been trying not to complain, but really, I've spent a good part of the past two months in bed dealing with a LOT of nausea and exhaustion. Today I'm up and alert and don't feel sick (although there's some residual cramping from the D&C, but it's minor). I forgot what it's like to feel like this...didn't realize what a fog I was in with this pregnancy.
Overall, today's been better than yesterday, which is all you can really hope for. I'm so glad my husband and I have such light schedules between now and Monday, and can really spend some time together. I just want to be with him. Having him with me and knowing how much he loves me and how he wants to try for another baby as soon as we can (and we have frozen embryos from this last IVF--I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for that) is what's saving me right now. That and not thinking beyond today. My mantra has been:
"Just get through today."
Thinking about what's next and pregnant again and maybe more losses and what if this never happens for us what are we going to do then is just way too overwhelming.
But I'm going to make it through today.
Telling Work About Your Pregnancy
So I freelance, but I have one client that I've done enormous amounts of work for over the past five years...it's a great arrangement...almost like I'm a full-time employee. And my husband is feeling the need to get some things figured out, even though it's still early in my pregnancy...like, how is work going to be about me being pregnant? Are they going to be cool with me taking some maternity leave?
So I had THE CALL today, with the woman I guess you would call my boss. I was very nervous about it, for some reason, even though the company I work with--everyone there is so incredibly nice.
But there was no reason to be worried...they were thrilled for me and thanked me for letting them know so far ahead of time. They seemed very receptive to my ideal, which is 3 months maternity leave, so that was good to hear (and good to know for planning purposes). And we've already started saving for maternity leave...my husband's a good planner...we're going to make it happen.
And I hate to say this, because I wanted to put it off until after the first trimester, but my husband was right, it was good to have that conversation early (although I won't be telling the others I work with day-to-day for another month.) I always figured work would be cool about a maternity leave for me, but it's good to know for sure...
Hours Worked vs Happiness
One of the things I've always loved about Colorado is how blue the sky is.
It's a simple equation, for me anyway, but I seem to keep forgetting it (or intentionally sabotaging myself, I'm not sure which):
Working too many hours = misery.
I start to feel like life is drudgery, drained of any delight or fun. It's almost like part of me doesn't think I deserve to be happy, so I let my hours at work get totally out of control so there's no way I can be.
Bad week this week as far as number of hours worked. But I did take most of today off...I'd been thinking about doing it, and then I read the following first thing this morning by one of my favorite poets, Anna Kamienska, and it sealed the deal:
"Dante places the sorrowful in hell, those who refused to rejoice in the sunlight."
There's been sunlight for me today. :)
Freelancing: How Do You Keep Your Workload Manageable?
This is my tenth year freelancing (after five years in a San Francisco ad agency; I do advertising copywriting/creative direction), and my problem has always been (and it's a problem I'm grateful for, believe me): How do I make it so I'm not working too much? This is especially relevant now that I'm pregnant/hopefully soon to have a child, as I can't imagine 16 hour days, like the one I worked yesterday, are good for the baby/ies.
This week is the first bad workweek I've had in a while. My husband, who doesn't want to be married to a workaholic, has helped me set it up so I don't work too much, encouraging me not to take on new clients, helping me limit travel when necessary (although I can ramp it up, too, when needed...I spent six weeks in Boston last year helping out at the most fabulous ad agency ever...that work paid for all our IVF procedures).
My main strategy is to have a list of projects I'm committed to, and to keep that list under a certain length. The company I do the most work for just asked me to format my list differently, though (they're trying to standardize lists across writers), so what was before a two-page list (I seemed to do OK if I was keeping that list two pages or less) is now a fifteen-page list, and I'm feeling a little unsure of how much work I have at the moment. Need to come up with a new maximum length.
It's really important for me not to work too much, as I like my job when it's manageable days, but tend to get miserable when I'm working too many hours (because then I can't write, or post here, or go for a walk and oh, the weather was glorious yesterday, so sad that I didn't get out into it).
My biggest client, they're having a conference call with their writers this morning, to talk about workload management. A lot of the people on that call have been in this business a lot longer than me...maybe they'll have something to teach me.
I'm doing better than I was (16 hour days used to be the norm, now they are the exception), but there's still room for improvement.
Photo credit: Thuy Pham.
Feminism vs. Babies
So I’m reading a book of essays by Joan Didion (love her!) called The White Album, and one of the essays, written in 1972, is about the women’s movement. She wasn’t a fan of it, which is a little surprising to me, as she was a prime example of what feminists wanted for women, with her wildly successful journalism career and all.
The feminism that I was introduced to in the late 1970s and 1980s--the message I got loud and clear was that being a wife and mother and homemaker is demeaning and a waste. The only proper thing for women to do is strike out on their own, not be dependent on men, pursue high-powered careers. According to a feminist friend of mine in San Francisco, that message has changed a bit, and nowadays the message is women should be free to choose the path that most fulfills them. But that’s not how it used to be.
I went to college and worked hard at my career, as I was told, but secretly always wanted a husband and babies and a house of my own, the sooner the better. I honestly think part of why I married my first husband was that I wanted that life so badly, and he at least offered the hope of making those dreams come true. Everything went badly for him and for us, though, so a few years later I found myself divorced, and really, living my life the way the feminisim I grew up with said you should--not about husband and family and commitment, but self-fulfillment.
I lived in San Francisco at the time, and I surfed every single day. I started freelancing, and my career really took off. I dated, a lot, but refused to get serious with anyone. I traveled. I went out most nights.
Fun. Really fun. But honestly, never what I actually wanted.
Ms. Didion talks about this kind of stuff as acting like a child, not an adult. And I think it’s very true to look at my life and say I had a very extended adolescence, avoiding (although not really on purpose) adult responsibilities for a long, long time.
I’m married again now, to an incredible man, and this is our fifth year in a row trying to have a child. Oh, how I want a child, how I want that life I’ve longed for--a life that’s been so elusive for me.
Being a wife and mother and homemaker isn’t something that will oppress me, I really don’t think. It’s been my dream, for a long, long time. I know from personal experience that a life lived as prescribed by feminists (or at least the feminists of old) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least it wasn’t for me.
I want, have always wanted, to be what Ms. Didion describes those with family obligations as--a grown-up.
I wish it wasn’t taking so long to get there.
"Up in the Air"
Great movie, watched it for the second time last night and there are a couple of lines in it that I think are really profound.
First:
The movie's about a guy who flies around the country and fires people for a living, and he has the following exchange with someone he's firing, trying to show the guy he's firing that being let go from a boring corporate job is not necessarily the worst thing in the world (this is the rough exchange, not a direct quote):
Fire-er: Do you know why kids love athletes?
Fire-ee: No.
Fire-er: Because they followed their dreams. How much did they pay you to first come to work here and give up your dream?
I think it's so sad and so common...so many, many people give up their dreams to go into a respectable corporate career, me included. For me personally, I don't think it makes sense today to totally give up my corporate job, but I can work a lot less hours, and spend a lot more time focused on things I love.
Second:
Same guy is home for his sister's wedding. The groom has cold feet and the brother goes in to talk to him. The thing that he says that makes the groom realize it's going to be OK to get married is something along the lines of:
"Think back to your best memories, the days and times that you really treasure. Were you alone in those memories, or were you with other people?"
The answer of course is, other people, or at least it is unreservedly with me.
I've been thinking about that line since I first saw the movie, and since last night in a slightly different context. I'm in the middle of my 4th and last IVF cycle, and my husband will not be able to be with me for the transfer as he's in college, we need him to miss as little school as possible (our clinic's out of town). My mom would be the logical second choice, but she's in Costa Rica 'til March. So I've been thinking, do I ask a friend to come be with me, or do I go through it alone? Now I know the answer. I have a lovely friend in Denver I'm going to ask...
"Health and Family First"
The last few days of work before vacation have been, predictably, crazy. I keep repeating to myself over and over my mantra for the year, which is: "Health and Family First." Not work.
So when I'm asked to do another and another and another thing before leaving, I say no and instead get some exercise and help my mom with something she needs and go out to dinner with my husband. I no longer say yes and sacrifice all else, which is how it used to be.
I need to keep this up as I go through IVF in January. It's OK to take days off to deal with the appointments etc.
Work is no longer king. "Health and Family First."
Sometimes I Just Love My Job
The bedding that's on my bed was a wedding present from my friend Wendy. Love, love, love it.
I freelance from home, and it's almost always 9–5 in my office (or, more accurately, 7–5, with maybe a break for something fun in the middle). But I've been working extremely hard this week getting ready to go out of town, and woke up this morning feeling very run down. So I'm working in bed, and it's so lovely, lovely, lovely. I have a lot of gratitude for the little perks of my job like this one, even if I don't take advantage of it very often.
My Dream Life, Part 1 of 5: Flowers
There will be roses, always.
I work as a writer: advertising to pay the bills, short stories and novels (and lately, of course, blogging) to satisfy my creative urges. But what I really want to do is own a flower shop. I love flowers, and color, and beauty. I don’t want to do it if the shop itself isn’t exquisite, on the downtown shopping strip of some small- or medium-sized town is what I picture. A cross between modern and sleek and sophisticated and Shabby Chic. I picture having vases and maybe art and sculpture for sale. An espresso machine and pastries in back. An inside sitting area for clients, a tiny walled-in garden with a table and chairs out back. I’d do flowers for restaurants, and put together boquetes for the cool single girls in the neighborhood to take home each week, and men to bring to their girlfriends/wives. I’ll have lovely stationary and paper to wrap the flowers in. And weddings--I love weddings. I’ll make the bride-to-be a cup of tea and we’ll sit outside with the fountain trickling and she’ll show me the pictures she’s ripped out of the magazines and I'll put together the most beautiful arrangements anyone has ever seen.
Sigh. I hope someday I can make it happen. It's possible, absolutely.
I Love Wikipedia
Can I take just a minute to talk about how much I love Wikipedia? I use it all the time for my advertising job and writing and life. Need to know about C-reactive proteins? Wikipedia. Hemophilia? Wikipedia. Novartis? Wikipedia. (I do a lot of medically related stuff). The lightening field art installation in New Mexico? Wikipedia. Blogging? Wikipedia.
I know it’s not always accurate/written at the most academic level, but it works great for what I need, which is usually general background information. If I need hard facts, I verify them elsewhere. And actually, the roughness of it can be kind of charming. Recently, I went looking for information on sea turtles, and found the entries to be written by children. It made my day to picture some fifth-grade class, beachside elementary in Florida putting together Wikipedia posts under their teacher’s direction. How psyched are those kids to have their writing published on the Web? (Note much of the content has since been re-written.)
I love how Wikipedia’s made--by people doing it for their own gratification, not monetary gain. A lot’s been written about this (Wikipedia specifically and people donating their time and effort and creativity in general), but one of the most interesting in my opinion is a short video by RSA Animate called Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.
Wikipedia needs donations. Keep meaning to. Finally did it today.