"Dream Life, 2013"

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

In the last few days of 2013, I'm looking back at the year and the goals I set for myself (that I titled "Dream Life, 2013").

I did a lot. Some things--the most important things--turned out horribly. Really looking forward to 2014 and what feels like a fresh start.

But first, last year's goals and how I did:

1. Dream House: We ended up with the coolest 1960s home in ABQ. That also needs a lot of work to make it ours...work we haven't started but some (or maybe even all) of which will happen in 2014. We're going to do it in chunks: Living area, bedrooms, outdoors, kitchen, probably in that order. Can't wait to share some before-and-after pics! :)
2. Girlfriends: ABQ has got to be the friendliest city in the US. I made a huge effort to make friends, and feel like I have a really good start.
3. New Office and Work Schedule: My office needs work, especially my IT situation. And I worked too much in 2013. 2014 is bringing big changes, though, with my client base shifting. Hope I can stick closer to 20 hours/week. Tired of working before the kids get up and on weekends to make deadlines...shouldn't be having to do that...
4. A Finished San Francisco Book: I did terribly with writing and it is so easy to say there is just not time but I know that's not it. It's just fear of things not being perfect. Fear of putting things out into the world. Doing creative stuff--it's something I really want to focus on in the coming year.
5. A New Baby: The loss of Hunter is one of the worst things that will ever happen to me. And we haven't made a final decision, but I don't think we have it in us to try again. I read somewhere that families who lose a baby, usually they try to have at least one child, but they often can't go beyond that. We have two perfect toddlers, and as much as I would love a third child, I just can't fathom doing what we would have to do to get there...
6. Everyone I Love Happy and Healthy: This is out of my control, but it's devastating what happened with Hunter. But all's well with my parents, my brother, my husband, my kids...grateful for that...
7. Celebrations: We did a lot of fun holiday stuff this past year. My mother-in-law is so creative and such a great help in this regard. My husband really doesn't like holidays, though, so that's a challenge. Plus we have almost no storage space, so tons of fun holiday decorations are out. We're figuring out our own ways to make the holidays special...it's important to me...
8. All Things Good With my Mother-in-Law: It's worked out well having her with us. She's so sweet, and I'm grateful for all her assistance. The kids absolutely adore her and she them...I think it's so good for them to have her in the house...
9. Time With My Best Friend: Dans came down over Thanksgiving and we had such a wonderful time. Hope to visit her in Seattle next year (hopefully to put on her baby shower!)
10. Pictures: This is wrapped up in the whole creativity and fear thing...I've taken lots of pictures this past year, which is good, but the way I want them to look (or the way they look in my head) and the way they actually look doesn't always mesh. Making that happen is a big goal of mine for 2014.
11. Lots of Time With Family: This worked out great. ABQ and Colorado are so close. And everyone has made a great effort.
12. Happy Little Blog: I'm really happy with my blog. It's small, but it does exactly what I want it to do, which is record what's special and important to me.

So 2013: Horrible. And great, depending on what you're talking about. A weird, strange, heartbreaking, magical year with lots and lots of change. I feel good about the things I accomplished. Also really glad it's almost over.

XOXO

20 Questions

Note: This post is written as part of PAIL's "20 Questions" request...I'll update with a link to the other participants once it becomes available...

1. What was the last thing you threw in the garbage?

A Lipton tea bag. I drink 2 cups every morning.

2. What's the #1 most played song on your iPOD?

Actually, this is a funny story. When I was living with my brother Luke before he died, he used to get ahold of my phone and as a joke change the ringtone to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" all the time (not sure why that song, he didn't even like Michael Jackson), and then I'd be traveling for work and my phone would ring and I'd be embarrassed...so unprofessional.

And then one day I realized he'd downloaded "Beat It" onto my iPod and he must have spent all night one night pressing play over and over because it was the #1 most played song by a WIDE margin.

Because he's no longer alive, little memories/reminders like this are so precious...glad I got to think about this this morning...

3. What is your favorite quote?

One of my favorites, because it talks to the simple magic that so many of my days these days are made of:

"It's not every day that the world arranges itself into a poem." --Wallace Stevens

4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Weeding. Followed by putting away the laundry.

5. What is your favorite form of exercise?

Used to be surfing for many years, now I want to say snowboarding...I used to have a season pass and go all the time, but since I've had kids I haven't been able to get it together to go, which is OK, I'll snowboard again. What I actually do these days is hiking and hot yoga.

6. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

I love the light in the evening, just before the sun goes down. And Fall is my favorite time of year, especially in Colorado.

7. What is on your bedside table?

Stacks and stacks of magazines (mostly New Yorkers and Poetry, the occasional Vogue), much to my husband's chagrin.

8. What is your favorite body part?

On me? I used to love that I had a flat, flat stomach...but not so much since having twins. 

9. Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.

Good for sure...I have a hard time being evil. I'm waaaaaay too nice, which is not necessarily a good thing...

10. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would that be?

Whatever age involves having little kids all around me...this time is so happy and precious...so afraid of it passing...

11. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

Buy a slopeside condo in Crested Butte, CO, a cottage on the beach at Rincon (Santa Barbara, CA area), a bungalow in Seattle. Then spend my time traveling amongst the three.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve?

People who do crappy/sloppy work.

13. If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?

How do you survive tragedy and keep yourself intact? I feel like I've barely made it through things life has already thrown at me, and it's inevitable that there's more to come.

14. At what age did you become an adult?

Late 30s.

15. Recommend a book, movie, or television show in 3 sentences.

One of my favorite books ever is called "Holy Land" by D.J. Waldie. It's tiny little essays about a tract home development in Southern California, which sounds so boring but the writing is absolutely brilliant and so incredibly its own. My deepest wish is to write something as cool as this book.

16. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

Pretty much nothing (see #9 above). I did bite my brother in the bathtub when I was a little kid, and then said to my mom, "But Mommy! I didn't bite him! I had my mouth open and he fell on my teeth!"

17. What was the first album you bought with your own money?

I can't remember. I'd like to think it was some cool grunge band like Nirvana, but it was probably some horribly shallow and vapid '80s pop thing.

18. If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?

I've written a book about me (more specifically, about my time in Santa Barbara), and I can't come up with a title. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know...

19. What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?

See #16, above. I've actually recently told my mom that she only gets to bring this incident up 5 more times, so ration wisely. :)

20. True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.

I'm actually partial to the mermaid, given my love of the sea...

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, February 13, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday! 

Awake at six this morning, cup of tea and my bedroom at my parent's is warm, the twins don't get up until 7 or for the past week they've been happy in their pack-and-plays past that, whereas always before I needed to be ready for them at 7 on the dot or even before. Thought I'd use this found time to share some small happy things:

1. Loving being at my parent's house, which is no surprise. When I lived in California and was single I used to come often...I always said it was like going to the spa because the setting is so serene and my mom is the best cook and everything she makes is so healthy and we all used to go on hikes all the time but now it's usually just me and my dad while my mom watches the babies. I'm going to lose those last two or three pounds I still have from my pregnancy while staying here, for sure. Speaking of that, my parents had a new washer/dryer delivered yesterday and the delivery guy asked how old the twins were and I said 10 months and he said wow you've lost all the weight, haven't you? And I have, and I fixate on those last couple pounds but really, I've done well. :)

2. Let the boxers out late last night (Dexter's eye is healing beautifully, by the way), and the strangest sound...I went outside and there was a chorus of coyotes, which can kill dogs so I ushered mine in quickly. My dad said they (coyotes) were probably scared to death by the cone on Dexter's head. So cool to be somewhere wild enough for coyotes. 

3. Been watching Mad Men Season 5 with my dad. So good. Plus they do what I do professionally, so interesting from that perspective. Plus if we get the house in ABQ I'll be watching Mad Men for decorating tips (we don't want to make our house like a museum, but we do want to stay somewhat true to the peroid while mixing in things we already have). Plus Megan's clothes...love her clothes. That actress is just so beautiful, period. And the writing is so amazing...we watched the episode (SPOILER ALERT) where Lane dies last night and the ending with Don and the boy in the car...amazing... Also we've been watching the commentaries after each episode and I've never watched commentaries like that but it's really interesting as a writer to hear about how the story is put together...

4. I can't get these posts about photography and truths that will make you a better person (via e tells tales) out of my head...

5. Often when I run errands I'll take one kid...nice to have some time alone with one of the twins, even if it is doing something as pedestrian as errands. Yesterday it was Luke and he's so cute right now, he's got this thing with strangers where he'll lean backwards out of my arms and smile a huge smile, then bury his head in my shoulder and peek out coyly...makes everyone laugh and say how cute he is...it's so lovely to run errands with a baby...

It's gone from dark to light while I write this...I can see the Colorado National Monument out the window, delicate pink of the clouds against the palest shade of blue and Zo is cooing in the other room...off to start another busy day. Hope it's a great one for you. :)

XOXO

Image credit: Pixdaus.

Adventures in House Hunting

Hi Everyone! I'm back! Hope everyone had a great week last week...as you know we were in Albuquerque house hunting, and look what we found:

Not the classic adobe with a view of the mountains I was dreaming of (turns out, that's out of our price range), but I'm soooooooo excited nonetheless. There are some hoops that must be jumped through, but fingers crossed this is going to be ours. Throughout the house hunt this was known as the "60's Fab" house...it's like Mad Men crossed with Palm Springs (we're going to have a pool!), with a little bit of Mexico sprinkled in. These are just crappy iPhone photos, and of course somebody's else's stuff, but we have plans to make this place oh-so-very-cool. It felt like our home from the second we walked in. 

In other news:

1. ABQ is cool (I'd never really been), I can definitely see us enjoying ourselves there 
2. It's all about red or green chile...I like both so I've been taught to order my food "Christmas" (hee hee)
3. The more we learn about my husband's new job, the cooler it sounds
4. The grandmas watched the babies (and I missed them TERRIBLY)...they (the babies) sprouted teeth while we were gone and the world is now their personal jungle gym and they say "Da!" when their daddy walks into the room (they've been saying "Ma-ma" for some time but I'm still not convinced it's meant specifically for me)
5. And my brother's (now mine) dog Dexter had his eye removed in surgery today...long story but he is doing well and that's all that matters 

AND...tomorrow is my last day in this (our Colorado) house...I'm feeling kind of sad when there's a second to think about it. Packing starts Wednesday...my husband's headed to ABQ Saturday...me and the kids and the dogs are decamping to my parents, probably until about mid-March. I hate being away from my husband but love love love spending time with my parents, so looking forward to that.

It's chaos around here, but a good, excited, my-husband-is-taking-care-of-almost-everything kind of chaos.

Cross your fingers for us and the house...it's not a done deal (long story I'll tell when it's over).

XOXO

Big Changes Are Afoot...

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

Guess what?!? My husband has a new job! And a really, really, really good job, too...so proud of him. In the end it was totally worth taking our time/being picky (his first job interview was November of 2011, although he wasn't really looking until June of last year).

Anyway...a great salary.

A really good/high level job title, higher than he was expecting.

And we are going to have GOOD health insurance! (Having to deal with your own insurance is one of the hardest parts of freelancing.)

And he has THREE WEEKS paid vacation every year, PLUS the week between Christmas and New Years off, which is huge!

Oh, and he has every other Friday off too.

It's with Sandia National Labs, which means we are moving to...

ALBUQUERQUE!

As I was mentioning yesterday, I am determined to make it good, to love it and love our life there. 

I'm already psyched about: 

• Mexican food (it's different in New Mexico than elsewhere, and oh so good...)
• Hiking and snowboarding close by
• It's not too far from my family in Colorado, we'll be able to see them easily
• Cool New Mexico weekend trips like Santa Fe. Taos. Roswell (that's one my husband is excited about). The Lightning Field
• A city with shopping and arts, live music and good restaurants
• I also love the Albuquerque aesthetic--adobe houses, the American Indian and Spanish influences...
• Etc.

New Mexico's called The Land of Enchantment, so it's gotta be cool, right?

We're going to be down there by February. Lots of logistical stuff to deal with. One step at a time...

XOXO

Image credit: BugsyandSprite.

Places We Seriously Considered Moving, As My Husband Hunted for a New Job

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

As those of you who follow along know, my husband has been job hunting. For a while, but honestly most of that time not that hard...he graduated in May and before that wasn't really looking, and since then it's been so great having him around to help with the twins, and our expenses are really low (small mortgage, no car or student loans, no credit card bills), so with some economizing we can make it work on my freelance income. We actually talked quite seriously about him being a stay-at-home-dad for a while...but in the end, honestly it was the fear of how hard it would be for him to get back in the workforce. I don't mind being the sole breadwinner for a while, but I don't want that to be my role forever, you know?

My husband's situation is a little unusual in that he has a lot of work experience, but just got an engineering degree. We decided the best course of action would be for him to look nationwide, and be open to moving for the right job. I really wanted to stay in Colorado or be on the West coast, so letting fate decide was a little scary. Over the past year or so, there have been so many locations we've seriously considered. In alphabetical order:

1. Albany, NY
2. Albequerque, NM
3. Boulder, CO
4. Chester, CA
5. Costal Delaware
6. DC Area
7. Denver, CO
8. Kansas City, KS
9. Lafayette, IN
10. Minneapolis, MN
11. Ocean Springs, MS
12. Roseburg, OR
13. Salt Lake City, UT
14. Seattle, WA
15. Sheridan, AR (although the whole time we actually thought the job was in Sheridan, WY)

Whew...it's been crazy around here!

Any guesses as to where we're ending up? (And please don't say anything bad about any of these locations...I'm all about being positive about the move. As my dad says, every place has good things about it. And also, right now, especially these next few years, it's all about my family...this sounds so sacchrine, but truly, as long as we're together, I don't really care where we live.)

The big reveal tomorrow...

XO

Image Credit: iCanvas Art.

New Year's Resolutions (Of a Sort)

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

I've been debating whether or not to do New Year's Resolutions.

I love the thought of having fresh goals in mind to work towards. 

But also, there is SO MUCH happening for us in 2013.

And with big change comes excitement, but also some fear, which I'm trying to squash as much as possible. 

So, instead of resolutions per se, I thought it would be good for me to imagine my life the way I WANT it to turn out this year.

Everything--every single thing--could go very, very right, you know.

So here's what things look like (when everything does go perfectly right):

1. We move to a great new city (so excited to be in a city again!), and find and move into our dream home:

2. Our first FET is a big fat success, and towards the end of the year we welcome a new baby (if the first FET doesn't work, we're going to try one more):

3. I cut down my work hours, so I'm truly working part time (right now I'm working a little more than I'd like, but that will change once my husband starts his new job). And, I'll be working from a new office--fun! I'm SO ready for some sort of refresh to my work space:

4. I make lots of new friends. Local friends who I can see in person:

5. I finish my San Francisco book. (Wednesday nights are going to be for me to write):

6. I make holidays etc. really special for my family. (My husband thinks I'm ridiculous, but I'm already planning the twins' first birthday party, which will happen in March):

7. Everything works out great with my mother-in-law coming to live with us and help with the kids--she's happy, we're happy. (And I'm so excited about the fact that she likes to garden...I wish I liked to garden, but really, I don't. But I do love being surrounded by the RESULTS of gardening):

8. We see my parents and my brother and his family lots and lots and lots (we're not sure where we're moving yet, but the choices are both just one state away. They'll visit, we'll visit...it'll be good):

9. Everyone is happy and healthy. (I've been having a LOT of anxiety about people I love dying lately. A LOT. And everybody's fine, so it's not at all rational. I need to figure out a way to get a handle on it):

10. I learn how to properly use my camera (SO ready to go from point-and-shoot to manual, and have my pictures better reflect what I see in my head):

11. Buck Up, Buttercup comes closer to the vision I have for it:

12. I spend some time with my best friend...miss her so much!

I'm feeling excited now, not scared. :)

2013 is going to be amazing, amazing, amazing...

XOXO

Image Credits: 1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12.

And also, thanks to Elizabeth over at E Tells Tales for the idea of having photos be part of this list. :)

Oh, and BTW I made a little Pintrest Board of all this...fun to see it all together...

Dream a Little Dream...

I hate the term "Bucket List," I don't know why. But I've been thinking lately along those lines...you know, things I want to do in life, at some point (actually many of these things I want to do now/in the near future, really).

It's funny, it seems like a lot of people think (or communicated to me before I had children, at any rate) that you can either have children OR do other things in life. But I think life is what you make of it and if you want to have kids and do other things too you certainly can. (That said, at the moment there isn't room for much besides kids and work and a few exercise sessions a week. But it won't always be like that and it's good for a girl to dream, right?)

And so, what I'm dreaming about wanting to do at the moment, in no particular order:

• Raising/spending tons of time with my twins (and maybe, hopefully, one more child) and enjoying/appreciating every minute
• Paying attention to and keeping my marriage good and strong
• Finishing and publishing (even if it's self publishing) the four books I have right now in various states of doneness
• Raising the bar on my photography skills
• Having a house that is beautiful and comfortable and us
• Traveling on a regular basis nationally and internationally (I want to go pretty much everywhere)
• Having an old VW camper bus all decked out in cool stuff to do camping/road trips in
• Having a closet full of clothes that are comfortable, make me feel pretty and are appropriate for every situation
• Being able to snowboard again on a regular basis (season pass used multiple times a week kind of deal)
• Surfing again on a regular basis (this assumes someday we'll live by the ocean...which I have a feeling is a ways off...but that's OK...)
• Living in Seattle again (don't know why, but I am so incredibly drawn to that city)
• Having a vacation home somewhere shared with my brother
• Having time to read and reading good books
• Having a good group of local friends (I have great, great friends, but they are all over the place...I need a group of girlfriends I can call up and meet for coffee or a glass of wine)
• Doing something with letterpress and/or bookbinding (I want to make my own little books...)
• Spending lots of time with my parents and brother, whether we live near or far

I know this list is kind of prosaic, but these are the things I know make me happy...

XOXO

Up In The Air

This has been a really hard post to write for some reason...I've started it like five times...but today I'm going to write it and hit "publish" so I can maybe quit obsessing over all that's going on...

My husband just graduated from college with an engineering degree (he went back to school on the GI Bill), and a few months ago we though he had found a job in Salt Lake City and that we were set. It was a great job, and I was excited about SLC because it's not far from my family and it's in the West where I feel most comfortable and there's so much great outdoor stuff going on (hiking, snowboarding, etc.)

Well, we found out right around the time the babies were born that that job is not going to happen. We were a lot less upset about it than we would have been otherwise, because we had just had two beautiful healthy babies and figured that's all that really matters, right?

So now my husband is job hunting. Which doesn't really scare me...he's got a great resume and I don't think it's going to be a problem for him to get a job. Plus we're living pretty cheaply right now and there's no financial pressure for him to start working right away. And honestly it's ideal to have him at the house at the moment 24/7...he helps sooooooo much with the twins....ladies who do this on their own, I am in awe of you...don't know how you do it.

So I'm not worried about the job part. The part that is freaking me out a little is the moving. My husband's looking in the town where we live, but it's unlikely that he'll be able to find what he's looking for (it's a small town without a lot of opportunity). He's also looking in Colorado and Utah, either of which would keep us close to family and so wouldn't be such a big deal.

But we're also open to moving away. Maybe somewhere I know I want to go (eg, Seattle). But more likely somewhere I've never lived (right now there's talk of Virginia and Minnesota).

I hate change in general and moving in particular. There's fear surrounding going to a new place. But the biggest thing for me is not living near my family. Especially with the twins...it's really important to me that they are close to my parents. I've actually got a lot of grief tied up in this...it's so hard, and also I don't want to hurt my mom and dad in any way. There have definitely been tears and sleepless nights on my part over this, and my husband and I don't even know what we're doing yet.

Anyway, I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side/focus on the positives, such as:

1. We might end up close by, in which case all this worrying is for nothing
2. My parents like to travel and will come see us (we'll make sure wherever we end up there's a nice place for guests)
3. We can come visit as a family, and I can come for extra visits with the kids
4. There's phone and email and iChat etc.
5. I was VERY close to my grandparents growing up, even though they lived in another state, because my parents sent me to stay with them twice a year (Seattle in the summer, Mexico in the winter) for weeks at a time...some of the best memories of my life...we can do the same with our kids
6. My husband having a job is going to be amazing. We've done fine while he's been in school, but it'll be nice not to have the weight of providing for the family on my shoulders
7. Him having a job also means I can work part time, which is huge, as all I want to do is be at home with the twins (I freelance/telecommute so I can work from anywhere, which is a blessing)
8. A new town/city is going to be cool. I like exploring new places
9. A new house to decorate will be super fun
10. Also looking forward to being somewhere where I can settle in and be a bit more sociable than I've been here. I've had a hard time making friends here, which has never been the case for me. Part of it is when I moved here, I was so overwhelmed with grief over my brother's death that I didn't want to be around people I didn't know well. Plus I traveled a ton for work and pleasure, and got to see a lot of friends doing that, so there wasn't a huge need to make new ones. And I had my parents to hang out with

Anyway, lots to look forward to with this next chapter in our lives, wherever it may take us. And wherever we go, it doesn't have to be forever. That's the other thing...I always worry so much about making decisions like this because I feel like I have to make the "right" decision. But whatever we decide, we can change if it ends up not working for us.

Just trying really hard not to stress about all this and enjoy the here and now, which is me and my husband at home (I have one more month of maternity leave), my parents close by, a beautiful spring-moving-into-summer, great opportunities on the horizon...

Salt Lake City Update: Big News!

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Some of you may remember my husband, who is about to graduate with an engineering degree, heading off to Salt Lake City for a job interview a few weeks ago. Well...he got the job! And it is a really, really good job! With a signing bonus and moving expenses paid, lots of room for advancement (it's a big international company) and health insurance...so excited about health insurance...having to figure out our own health insurance is the worst part about me freelancing, especially when you figure two babies into the mix.

So we are moving to Salt Lake City this summer! 

What I think is going to be awesome: 

• My husband working full time, me working part time from home (4 years of school for him has been totally doable, but I'm excited to be able to back down on my workload and spend lots of time with the babies)
• SLC is only a 4-hour drive (or 45 minute flight) from my parents. The best thing by far about being in Colorado has been being able to spend so much time with them. But we'll still be able to see each other a lot since we're not moving very far away
• AMAZING snowboarding (I know, I know, I won't be going that much with two new babies, and that's OK...just good to know it's there). Hiking too
• A really good airport. Except for a brief period in Seattle, it's been almost 10 years since I lived in a place where you can fly pretty much wherever you want direct. Going to be so nice...
• Housing prices are really reasonable, so we are going to be able to find somewhere lovely to live
• An actual city with good shopping and restaurants and other city things (I've lived in cities most of my adult life...being in a small town has been a bit of a challenge). I know SLC doesn't generally pop into people's minds when they think cool, hip cities, but I am determined to find all the cool, hip places and enjoy the city to its fullest

What I'm a little worried about:

• Not being right down the road from my parents...it's been so, so nice to have that be the case for these past years
• I like Mormons...I have friends that are Mormon...but we're not Mormon and I'm afraid the Mormons won't like us. SLC is about 50% Mormon, and I think we'll be fine if we end up in a diverse area...just need to make sure that happens. On the other hand, maybe I'm worrying about nothing...
• I don't know ANYONE in SLC, and while I'm used to moving and making new friends, it's hard. Part of me wishes we were going somewhere where we knew people...

Anyway, that's the big news! Overall, we're SUPER excited...it's going to be great. :)

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week!

XOXO

Photo Credit: CountyLemonade

Salt Lake City?

Hi Everyone!

So my husband has another job interview (yay!), this one in Salt Lake City.

I could do Salt Lake City, and here's why:

• It's not that far from where my parents live...a 4 hour or so drive...definitely doable for long weekends
• Snowboarding! And hiking! And Utah in general has got so much great outdoor stuff...
• I've been to SLC, and parts of it seem pretty cool
• Housing is affordable (this is always on my mind, as our general plan is for me to be responsible for the mortgage and my husband for everything else...smaller mortgage = less hours worked = more time with our babies!)

The big disadvantage is I don't know anyone there, which is kind of a bummer. But I've moved around a lot. I know how to make friends. It's supposed to be easier with kids, anyway...

We won't know anything until February, so just need to sit tight until then...

Image Credit: hunterandsmile via Etsy.

Mississippi Update

Hi Everyone!

Those of you who have been following along for a while know my husband is about to graduate college in the spring (he went back on the GI Bill), and one of our big priorities for 2012 is getting him a good job. With that may come a move. (Yeah, not long after we have twins. Crazy, I know. But...deep breath...it's all going to work out.)

Some of you may remember us going to Mississippi about six weeks ago to check out an opportunity down there. I'd never thought of Mississippi as a place to live, but where we were potentially going to go was right on the gulf coast and it was lovely.

Long story short, though, Mississippi's not going to happen.

The bummer is that it would have been nice to have my husband's job taken care of. And I did like it there. And the warm weather...that would have been so nice.

On the other hand, I am a total outdoorsy girl and had a bit of a hard time picturing myself being ME in Mississippi. I mean, we would have made it work, absolutely, but I like climbing mountains, and snowboarding, and surfing might be nice again if we wind up somewhere where that's feasible... Also, I've always lived in the West (unless you count the years when I spent half my time in San Francisco and half my time in Boston), and that just feels like home to me.

So we're back to our original plan, which is to focus on Colorado, where we live now, and Seattle, where my husband and I have both lived before. California might figure in there somewhere, although it's not at the top of the list, mostly due to cost of living issues. And then if the right job appears in some random place (which is what potentially could have happened in Mississippi), we're open to it.

Stay tuned...

XOXO

Alabama & Mississippi, and "House Hunters" Episode #1

Hi Everyone!

So last week, my husband and I went down to Mobile, Alabama and gulf coast Mississippi (a super cute little town called Ocean Springs). We relaxed a little (stayed at the Magala Inn in Mobile [ask for room 220] and the Gulf Hills Hotel in Ocean Springs, both of which were wonderful), ate some good meals (most notably Phonecia [thanks, Tortoise Baby, for the recommendation!] and Al Fresco, both in Ocean Springs). But mostly, my husband did a couple days of job interviews, and I looked at houses. My husband is graduating in the spring (was in the military, went back to school on the GI bill), and we're trying to figure out what happens next. There's a company down there that's very interested in him, so we went to check it out.

Interviews went well. House hunting was fun (although VERY premature, as we have no idea if we'll be moving or not, but I wanted to see the neighborhoods and figure out if this is a part of the country where I could feel at home [bottom line is yes]).

Houses are relatively cheap, especially with the economy the way it is. Here are a couple I fell in love with:

House #1 we've been calling "The Lake House." It's in a rural area west of Mobile, on three acres and shares a five-acre lake with a few other properties, is HUGE but is so beautiful...if we lived here, I'd never want to leave. I'd feel like I was on vacation 24/7. Not sure I want to live where you have to drive a ways to everything, though. And I didn't love Mobile...I'm sure there are some cool parts of the city, but we didn't find them. Also this is at the top of our budget...doable, but a stretch.

House #2 is in a part of Ocean Springs called Gulf Hills. We're calling it "The Elevator House" because even though it's only a basement and two stories, it has an elevator (with this beautiful inlaid mosaic floor, no less). It's on a golf course, and has been decorated amazingly...I guess an older woman lives there now and she for the most part has fabulous taste. If we were to buy it my husband would make me get rid of some thing (he's saying no to the black-and-gold cherub wallpaper in the bathroom...I think it's so over the top that it's cool.) But I could probably get away with keeping the gold swan water spouts. :) This house is a better size for us (not ridiculously huge) and is very close to the beach, playgrounds, a cute little downtown with restaurants and bars etc. Also this is more comfortably within our budget. But it has no yard to speak of (a little in the front, nothing in the back), which is a definite disadvantage since we have 2 dogs.

Anyway, all of this dreaming of houses (nesting instinct kicking in, you think?) is just wild speculation on my part. The company will let my husband know about the job in December, and IF they offer him a job and IF the salary is right, we may be moving. I have lots and lots of feelings about leaving Colorado and moving to the deep South, but that's a post for another day. If it's right for my husband career-wise, we're going to do it. We wouldn't have to be there forever, and it could be really cool.

Stay tuned...

XOXO

Image Credits: Gulf Coast MLS.com, Realtor.com

And thanks to Girl's Gone Child for the "House Hunters" post idea! :)

Playing '50s Housewife This Weekend

So far, my life has kind of been the antithesis of that of the sterotypical '50s housewife. I went to college, got a good job, took care of myself, put off having kids to have a career (well, actually what happened was a little more complicated than that...but that's another story), traveled, etc. etc. I married a pretty liberal man who is supportive of all that; he's also been in school for the past four years and I've been the primary breadwinner, which has worked out fine.

End of this week, my husband has a job interview out of state. (We haven't made any plans to move yet...we're just checking things out.) I'm going along as "the wife."

My job is to go to dinner with his potential boss Thursday night and be pretty and charming. While my husband's interviewing with people Friday, I'm going to ride around with a real estate agent looking at neighborhoods, potential houses for us, talking about schools for the kids, etc. It all feels so very retro, and so incredibly different from what I'm used to.

And you know what? I love it. I WANT to be the '50s housewife. I'd quit work when the kids came if I could (although we've decided it makes sense for me to work part-time from home, which I'm fine with.) I SO long for that life, maybe because I've never had it...or maybe because it's what I was meant to be doing all along and got monumentally sidetracked by all the messages I got growing up telling me that it was a waste of my time and intelligence to be a wife and mother; real women have careers and take care of themselves.

My husband and I are on the same page...we're working to make that more retro life (or a somewhat tweaked version of it) a reality.

This trip is kind of the first incarnation of that. This all feels so unreal. And makes me really happy.

XO

Image Credit: knowyourflo via Etsy.

Update on 2011-11-30 01:39 by Buttercup

Hi Everyone!

Wanted to post a brief follow-up here. My mom read something I wrote in this post and took it the wrong way, and I wanted to make sure to clear up any confusion. 

I talked in this post about getting messsages from all around discouraging me from being a wife and mother and making family important, and instead being told that I should focus on a career and being able to take care of myself. And it's true I was told that over and over by my parents, my grandparents who were very influential in my life, the media, my peers, feminism that was so rampant at the time I went to college, etc.

But on the flip side, my mom made home and family and motherhood an absolute priority, and that's what I saw day-to-day growing up...she made a beautiful home for us...worked but just part time and only when we kids were older...had a good stable marriage to my father...put a nice cooked-from-scratch dinner on the table every night (plus breakfast and lunch)...did a lot to make holidays and family get-togethers special occasions. So I also had that influence, even while all the vocies around me were saying, "This is not something to aspire to."

Maybe having seen/grown up in a good happy home/family is what's made me yearn for it so badly all these years...

One of Our "Happy Family" Fantasies

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

So my husband and I have this little dream we keep talking about. The dream is to buy a hippie camper van, put a diesel engine in it (my brother owns a garage and says that it's doable; this is my husband's part of the fantasy), put surf racks on top, decorate the inside with pretty curtains and bedding in cool prints (my part of the fantasy), and then load it up on the weekends with the surfboards and kids and the dogs and us and go to the beach (in this fantasy we live somewhere on the West coast.) Sand everywhere I know, but we could totally do this, right? I just love the though of all of us making memories in our cute little camper van.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

Image Credit: Lloyd Gallery via Etsy.

A Prayer and a Mantra

How cute is this picture my 8-year-old next door neighbor made me? She's adorable, and sooooo girly. It's so fun spending time with her...

Hi Everyone! 

Wanted to share with you today two things that keep going through my head, especially during sleepless nights (I have a pretty big problem with insomnia...often assuaged by a hot bath and/or Tylenol PM, neither of which I'm allowed at the moment...sigh...)

I'm not really very religious, but the first is a prayer I keep repeating over and over and over:

"God, please take care of me."

I talked with my dad about this the other day...he knows about this kind of thing...and he said that's a good prayer, vs asking for specific outcomes. It's helped me to feel better and continues to do so, with the stress that's still acommpanying this/these baby/ies...I'm actually pretty relaxed and positive at the moment, but I know all too well how things can go wrong...

The other thing I keep repeating to myself, kind of like a mantra, is something I read on the Happiness Project blog recently, and that is:

"Choose the Bigger Life,"

which to me means when deciding what to do/focus energy on, try to choose the things that will expand your existence.

Trying to have children (vs giving up on the hugely painful process that has been trying to get to a place with an actual live baby), for example, is choosing the bigger life.

So is making time to write (vs setting it aside which is so tempting when my days are busy, which is pretty much always).

So is dreaming big about what my husband and I really want to do next spring when he graduates from college (vs settling for what's safe and easy).

Anyway, those are some of the positive thoughts going through my brain these days (and let's focus on that for now, rather than the negative/scared things I'm thinking, shall we)?

Hope everyone has a fabulous Wednesday!

XO

Downtown Las Vegas

Went for a little walk this AM…the weather’s lovely in Las Vegas at the moment…makes it easy to get out. My husband and I are staying downtown and there’s a ton of two things I really love around here:

1)    Old hotels, and

2)    Cool signs.

Things get pretty shady pretty fast as you venture too far east on Freemont Street, though…when I go back it’ll be with my six-foot-six husband.

A few pictures:

The Four Queens hotel…love the colors here.

Another one of the old downtown hotels. Again, love the colors on these signs. And they’re of course amazing lit up at night.

Gotta love the Western theme that pops up in Vegas now and again. Why don’t they make signs like this anymore?

Someday I’d love to own/run a cool hotel. It’ll have a great sign--that’s mandatory. The sign doesn’t have to be fancy…something like this would be awesome.

A young and sun-weathered and tattooed man leaning in the doorway of this hotel asked semi-jokingly--half smile, half sneer--if I wanted to take his picture as I walked past. I smiled and thanked him and kept walking, but now I wish I’d taken him up on his offer…he was an interesting looking guy.

Tomorrow’s our last day here…I have some work in the morning, but after that we’re going to have some fun…there’s been a lot of work this trip, but also some time to relax (in other words, lay on the couch…fatigue is still getting the best of me). And we’ve gotten a lot accomplished as far as helping my mother-in-law, which is the reason we’re here…

The Titles of These Postcards Make for Such a Dreamy Life...

I've got these three postcards up on the bulletin board in my office at the moment, making me happy. They're reproductions of my favorite pieces seen at the last museum I visited, the Peggy Guggenheim Collection. (Amazing museum, by the way--one of the best ever. I like my museums small, so you can spend some time with each piece. If you ever get a chance, go by all means.)

What I'm really loving today, however, is the titles of these three pieces. I didn't pick them for their titles, but the titles, taken together, make for such a dreamy life.

We are, God willing, going to have our first child this year, and six months later, my husband will finish college, so there are lots of changes in store for us the next couple years. I think a lot about our future and I'm very hopeful. Anything could happen...there's so much in my life that's not yet set. But a life described this way would be lovely:

On the Beach

Setting for a Fairy Tale

Empire of Light

Maybe it means something that these are in my day-to-day living space at the moment?

The pieces, top to bottom (all part of the Peggy Guggenheim Collection):

1. On the Beach (La Baignade), Pablo Picasso, 1937

2. Setting for a Fairy Tale, Joseph Cornell, 1942

3. Empire of Light, Rene Magritte, 1953-54

Feminism vs. Babies

So I’m reading a book of essays by Joan Didion (love her!) called The White Album, and one of the essays, written in 1972, is about the women’s movement. She wasn’t a fan of it, which is a little surprising to me, as she was a prime example of what feminists wanted for women, with her wildly successful journalism career and all.

The feminism that I was introduced to in the late 1970s and 1980s--the message I got loud and clear was that being a wife and mother and homemaker is demeaning and a waste. The only proper thing for women to do is strike out on their own, not be dependent on men, pursue high-powered careers. According to a feminist friend of mine in San Francisco, that message has changed a bit, and nowadays the message is women should be free to choose the path that most fulfills them. But that’s not how it used to be.

I went to college and worked hard at my career, as I was told, but secretly always wanted a husband and babies and a house of my own, the sooner the better. I honestly think part of why I married my first husband was that I wanted that life so badly, and he at least offered the hope of making those dreams come true. Everything went badly for him and for us, though, so a few years later I found myself divorced, and really, living my life the way the feminisim I grew up with said you should--not about husband and family and commitment, but self-fulfillment.

I lived in San Francisco at the time, and I surfed every single day. I started freelancing, and my career really took off. I dated, a lot, but refused to get serious with anyone. I traveled. I went out most nights.

Fun. Really fun. But honestly, never what I actually wanted.

Ms. Didion talks about this kind of stuff as acting like a child, not an adult. And I think it’s very true to look at my life and say I had a very extended adolescence, avoiding (although not really on purpose) adult responsibilities for a long, long time.

I’m married again now, to an incredible man, and this is our fifth year in a row trying to have a child. Oh, how I want a child, how I want that life I’ve longed for--a life that’s been so elusive for me.

Being a wife and mother and homemaker isn’t something that will oppress me, I really don’t think. It’s been my dream, for a long, long time. I know from personal experience that a life lived as prescribed by feminists (or at least the feminists of old) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least it wasn’t for me.

I want, have always wanted, to be what Ms. Didion describes those with family obligations as--a grown-up.

I wish it wasn’t taking so long to get there.

My Dream Life, Part 5 of 5: The Coffee Shop (or Alpaca Ranch)

A coffee shop with friends would be so fun!

(See also parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.)

My dream life with my best friend involves this:

We all move back to California and buy and run a coffee shop, something along the lines of Reds in Santa Barbara (which sadly no longer exists as a coffee shop. But my SB friends will know what I'm talking about.) She and I will decorate it super cute, and she knows how to make coffee. Charlie, an old roommate of ours, will make the muffins and her husband is an accountant and can do the books and my husband is handy and can fix things. We'll have a passel of kids and dogs that everyone'll take turns watching and we'll go to the beach in the afternoons and barbeque at nights and it'll just be dreamy.

A variation of this dream originated with my husband's good friend in Florida, who had it in his head that he wanted alpacas. My husband and I were scheming about how we could buy a big ranch in southern Colorado, the San Juans which are so lovely, and raise alpacas. The ranch would have lots of little houses scattered over it so our friends could all live there with us. My best friend loves animals, so I know she'd be in. Someone would get a pilot's licence so we could make trips to the city. Maybe it'd even have a hill out back we could put in a tow rope and have our own little snowboarding mountain.

And then we found out what alpacas cost. Don't know how realistic a herd of alpacas is, unless one of us wins the lottery.

Don't know if any of this will ever come true. But it's fun to dream. :)

Image credit: Rahim Packir Saibo