Thanksgiving Week

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Thanksgiving week was full of light and love, friends and family with my husband and mother-in-law (neither of whom made it into these pictures...my husband was feeling anti-camera and my mother-in-law had just had eye surgery), my parents, my dear friends from Santa Barbara days Jason and Danielle (and their dog Lucy, who they got during the short time they lived with me in the Cota house before moving to Seattle...Lucy is the coolest dog in the world and an old friend of Dexter's...so glad they got to see each other.)

One morning we went to the zoo, early, our first time there. We pretty much had the place to ourselves...

Fruit cup is a holiday tradition in my family...everyone helps to cut up grapefruit and oranges, grapes and pineapple. The twins helped too, Luke reaching for ingredients Danielle was putting together for dinner so there ended up being tomatoes and chicken in there (which my mom thankfully took out). There was also continual taste testing on the part of both of the twins.

Thanksgiving day there was lots of football with Grammy and Grandpa. The kids walked around saying "Football! Kick! Throw!" Grandpa also found pictures of peacocks on the web...with Luke especially, since seeing them at the zoo there has been a peacock obsession...

We went to one of the parks close to our house before the meal. Beautiful, mild day. Good to get some fresh air.

The sweater Zo is wearing is one my grandmother made one of my cousins...my aunt and uncle don't have any girl grandchildren and sent me several of their girls' sweaters when the twins were born. Means SO much to me to have those...

Jason and Danielle and Lucy had to leave on Friday. We were so sad to see them go...

\

Grandpa (whom the kids this trip started calling "Pa-Pa"...after he left they would wander around the house saying "Pa-Pa" over and over). Anyway, Grandpa cut Luke's hair while he was here. Luke's so chill about it...

One night, we went to the River of Lights at the Botanic Gardens. Beautiful. Kids loved it. We even found a peacock for Luke. :)

And lots and lots of hikes...there's this place we go back in the National Forest that is pretty much deserted every time. We made it to the end of one of the trails for the first time. And we found this:

There were a couple more hikes with my mom and dad and the dogs just outside of town.

Dexter is doing so well with his cancer, by the way...still hiking like a champ...so grateful for every day I get to have with him.

We're in full swing for Xmas these days. My husband and I got ALL our shopping done over the weekend (so proud of us)! And our fake white "disco tree" up (goes perfectly in the Daddy Lounge, which is what we call our upstairs TV room.) We're traveling to my brother's for the holidays, so trying to keep things somewhat simple around here. But I'm so glad it's the holiday season. Love this time of year.

XOXO

Luke and Zo: 20 Months

 Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Luke and Zo's latest month has involved first pigtails for Zo, Lasik (and Lasik-like) surgery for Mommy and Daddy (hence Luke's eye goggles), beautiful fall leaves and weather warm enough to still have flowers in the yard. Also lots going on with the kiddos. Some highlights:

• We are starting to allow VERY LIMITED TV (or "PB" as Zo calls it). For the most part Infinite Teddies and What Does the Fox Say, both just a few minutes long. Warning: watch Infinite Teddies by yourself before you show kids...not necessarily appropriate but the kids love cars and birds and teddies...
• Sissy is very interested in dressing and undressing herself, and is working on speaking in full sentences
• Luke is all about potty training (Sis could care less), not really pushed by us either. But we're so proud of him! :) (My husband reminds me at this age it's potty encouraging, not potty training...)
• We call Luke and Zo Sissy and Bubba or Bubs or Bubba Bear a lot and they have started calling each other those names. With Luke it was interesting, at first he was calling Sis Bubba...I wonder if he sees the two of them as one?
• Bubble baths are the best...
• There has been some biting on Zo's part and Sumo wrestling tackles on Bub's part lately...Sis will say, "Sissy bite!" before she does it though, and actually it's been about a week since an incident
• The kids are also sharing food most meals and laughing and playing together...so cute...
• Another interesting thing...they are starting to make associations like Luke has a stuffed bear with a zebra sweatshirt and when he saw a picture of a zebra he said "Teddy," which at first I thought was a mistake, but he does have a zebra teddy. Or their bubble bath has Hello Kitty on it and Luke say a sweatshirt with Hello Kitty on it and said "Bubbles." It's so cool to watch their little minds working
• Both Luke and Zo, but Luke a little more at this point, are starting to get a little bit of a toddler attitude, eg when he doesn't want to get dressed or go in his car seat he'll let you know
• Sis loves having a napkin in her lap while eating. And wipes her face and hands. And has started to feed her stuffed animals
• Luke has to check his shoes to make sure they don't have rocks in them before he puts them on
• Both kids love, love, love to cook. I try to let them help, especially if I'm putting dinner together in the morning, when there's more time
• And trips to the library...I let them check in the books, pick out new ones (putting them in a bag until the bag is full) and then do self checkout, where Luke scans the books and Zo puts them back in the bag
• Please has entered the vocabulary. Pretty hard to say no to any request that includes please
• Luke is super lovely and he loves babies. Loves, loves, loves them. He's got this move where he lays his head against people he likes to show affection...it's adorable
• Since the pumpkin patch, they are TERRIFIED of cows. If their daddy moos they burst into tears... (which their daddy thinks is funny, and it is, but also you can't torture your children)...

Whew...lots going on these days. This time is so precious...I am just loving it...

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. We've got a houseful of company and I'm checking out for the week.

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, November 20, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

Here are some things that are good in my world:

1. Dexter (above, on a hike a couple days ago)...we just found out he has a really aggressive form of cancer. But we've started treatment, and according to the vet he's responding. He's 10. We're hoping for another six to nine months (again according to the vet, a reasonable expectation). I just want some more time to give him some love, take him on hikes which is his favorite thing, take care of this creature that's been entrusted to me. My previous experiences with death, it's always been everything is totally fine and then in an instant my world has fallen apart. This is the first time I will have some time to say goodbye. I am so grateful... 

2. Crossfit made me cry this morning. BUT I didn't actually cry AT Crossfit. Just in the car on the way home. And it wasn't really all the push ups, although I hate how weak I am right now, and that I always finish last. It's Dexter, and what happened with our baby, and I'm trying so hard to be positive day-to-day, sometimes the tears just come at weird times...

3. It's my husband's birthday today. The kids and I have a little suprise we are making up our sleeve...can't wait to give it to him...

4. Last night was my second night in a row sleeping through the night in a long while. Helps so much...

5. Houseful of company coming next week (and I'm taking the week off). So grateful and excited...

XOXO

Scary Pumpkin, New Mexico Style

Hi Everyone!

Also in the better-late-than-never category in terms of me posting stuff...the Alien Pumpkin (Roswell is just down the road, you know...) that my husband carved at a neighborhood Halloween party a couple weeks ago.

He won "Scariest Pumpkin."

The kids say, "Daddy, Daddy!" every time they see a pumpkin now, thinking of his cool rendition. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Baby Stuff

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

So, kind of where we're at these days with the whole should we or shouldn't we try to have another baby thing is, probably no. Mostly because we can't bear facing anymore fertility treatments. If I could get pregnant on my own, it might be another story.

And we've got all sorts of baby stuff we've been saving for a third child. But we don't have a lot of storage and my husband especially is all about decluttering. And so he asked if we could donate some things. "If we do decide to have another baby, we'll buy new stuff," he promised.

And I thought I could do that...except for the baby clothes...the clothes are really hard to let go and anyway, I want to save them for my best friend who is hoping to have a baby soon.

So Saturday I went into the closet in the playroom where a lot of the things are stored...and burst into tears.

I'm not ready.

And that's OK.

Sunday, I went walking with a neighbor friend, and told her all of this.

"You know," she said, "I know so many people who got rid of all their baby stuff, only to get pregnant."

Hmmmm. Maybe it would be good for me to let things go after all. :)

XO

Image credit: Target.

Halloween Cuteness

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Better late than never has been my mantra lately. Been working too much, and what falls through the cracks is stuff like blogging. This week is looking much saner, though.

And with that:

One of Zo's favorite toys is a fuzzy, white, pink-eared stuffed bunny she calls "Rock." When my husband and I were discussing Halloween costumes, we figured Zo would love to be Rock. Luke being a magician followed from that. Their grandma made their costumes from scratch (no pattern or anything). She is amazing!!! Thank you Grandma!!! (She made costumes last year, too.) And the kids absolutely LOVED wearing their costumes...except Luke wasn't so sure about the hat...so glad I got at least one picture with it!

I took them for pictures at a little picnic area where ABQ meets the national forest, about 15 minutes from our house. Lots of trails start from here...also where I've been taking the dogs hiking...

Nothing cuter than a toddler magician playing peek-a-boo with you...

Love these little guys so much...

We got a few more pictures right before trick-or-treating. A friend of my dad's who lives here made the little pumpkins...aren't they cute? So psyched to get to use them each year going forward. 

We only went to about 10 houses on our street, but Luke especially was so excited once he saw candy was involved. He was running from door to door. The kids also LOVED the decorations our neighbors put up (a few really went all out...it was cool)...especially the various black cats we saw around the neighborhood.

They helped carve the pumpkin above...oh, and Sissy's got Rock in these pictures...

So all in all, Halloween was a great success. It's one of my favorite holidays...can't wait to do it again next year! :)

XOXO

PRK Report, and Grace in Small Things, November 4, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

So my husband thought it would be cool for us to get LASIK surgery done to correct our vision. Yay! I don't know why I didn't do this years ago...

But, turns out, my corneas are too thin for LASIK, so my option was something called PRK.

I had it done 12 days ago, and after a week of pain bad enough to need percoset the whole time (and honestly, percoset was kind of fun the first couple days, but after that it was like, get me off this stuff. Plus I still feel like I have a hangover from it.) Anyway, after a week of severe pain AND terrible vision up until mid-day TODAY, when I am magically able to drive again and read my emails without essentially pressing my nose to the screen...you know, all this would have been OK if I was expecting it...my fault for not doing more research and getting specifics out of the doctor, but I was under the impression that after a few days I would be fine.

Anyway. I'm going to be so grateful not to have glasses or contacts anymore. But gosh, the past 12 days have been SO HARD. 

And with that complaining out of the way, here are some things that are awesome:

1) Warm enough in New Mexico in early November to be outside at 10 AM in a T-shirt and be comfortable...so nice. The kids and I colored outside this morning...and by colored I mean the kinds putting crayons in and out of the box over and over until they started chewing on them and I took them away. (Luke, to be fair, did put some marks on a piece of paper.) It was so lovely to be outside.

2) My biggest client, who told me a month or so ago they are letting all their freelance writers go at the beginning of the year, has asked me and one other writer to stay on. Not forever, I'm sure, but as long as they want to send work my way I am happy to be working with them...

3) Starting to plan our Christmas-time trip to Colorado. So excited! I think I'm even going to get to snowboard (snow permitting)...my brother was talking about taking us backcountry...

4) Have I told you guys my husband and I are doing CrossFit? That's a post in itself and I have been sore for a month straight, but today was the first day I wasn't the last one coming in from our warm-up run. I credit my new shoes (and a month of hard work, minus last week when I couldn't see and thus couldn't go).

5) Daylight savings time...that extra hour this morning helped soooooooo much.

Hope you all are getting a lovely start to your week. 

Can't wait to show you Halloween pics here sometime in the next few days...we had a ball...

XOXO

The Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta Was AMAZING

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

A couple weeks ago was the 10-day Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta. This is our first year in the city, and I wasn't really sure what to expect.

Our first time out was Wednesday morning, early. I expected the balloons to be cool, but it was so much more than I thought. Pictures don't really do it justice...there are so many balloons that launch over a couple hours and you get to be right there...I mean, you can reach out and touch the balloons. The cold air and the hiss of the fires that go on and off filling the balloons with hot air and the warmth from that fire when you get near, how everyone near claps and cheers when a balloon leaves the ground...t was one of those times I was happy to be alive, to be part of what was happening...where there was just this delight in the world and that's not something I feel very often (aside from in relation to my kids, where that wonder is there every day).

Love these pictures below of my kids, too...some of my favorite ever, with the early morning light and the wonder on their faces...

These three bees were my favorite...they all launched together, too, looked like they were holding hands as they ascended...

And off the subject a little bit...I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but somebody told me once that spots like those in the pictures below are spirits trying to make themselves visible. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical (non-paranormal) technical reason for why these spots appear, but I love it when my pictures have them...like the two in the pictures below...I like to think my brother Luke and our baby Hunter were there with us that morning...

The other time we went was Friday evening, with my parents.

In the mornings they launch the balloons, in the evenings, they have "glows," where the balloons stay on the ground but inflate and light up.

Here's "Spider Pig" ("Spider Ham,") inflated and you can see how the balloons light up (they light on and off with the fire, not constant) as the sky gets dark:

And right in front of us a balloon team came in and unfurled the balloon...we had no idea what it would be as it lay on the ground and then started to inflate...

The next thing we knew, this guy was towering over us:

The bees going up at the glow...

Our two days there were a good introduction. Next year I want to:

• Go again to the Special Shapes launch (which we did on the Wednesday) but get there EARLY...like 5:30 AM-ish to watch the test balloons ascend in the dark and experience more of the morning. A thermos of hot coffee would also be nice
• And I would love to do another evening glow, but we can get there later than we did this time, and it would be nice to pack a picnic, and also to plan to stay for the fireworks...

Bottom line: the Balloon Fiesta is SO COOL. If it's something you've thought about doing, do it. It far exceeded my expectations and I can't wait to go again.

XOXO

Pumpkin Patch

We all went to the pumpkin patch up in Corrales a little while ago. Corrales is a super cute little village just north of ABQ. There were pumpkins (of course) and a petting zoo and a corn maze and a tractor to sit on and a hay ride. It was a beautiful sunny warm afternoon--oh how I love fall.

Everyone had a great time, except for when the cow mooed. Even from a distance the kids were scared...

Bubs with his Grandma...he sure loves his Grandma...

There was also this great sandbox-like thing ringed with hay bales and filled with corn that the kids could have played in for hours. We were picking corn kernels out of stuff for a week. :)

The pumpkins are looking great on our dining room table, and will be so cool to carve at the pumpkin party/carving contest we are going to this weekend.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

Luke and Zo: 19 Months

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Luke and Zo turned 19 months last week. Seriously, where does the time go?

A few pictures from the past month...a month filled with time outside, reading in the beanbag, Sunday brunch at Flying Star (a new family tradition), playing in the (perpetually messy) playroom, helping in the kitchen, trying on Daddy's shoes for size, dancing around the living room (spinning in circles is a favorite activity of Zo's). Also (not pictured): Baths full of bubbles every night (which the kids love), "beanbag splashdown," where the kids jump from the coffee table into the beanbag (for Luke, the beanbag must be fluffed to just the right fluffiness...he uses his hands to show you how to do it until you've got it just right), pillow fights with Dad, a visit from Grammy and Grandpa, and what feels like a million new words. 

We've also got some pumpkin patch and Balloon Fiesta picutres to share later this week.

Hope your Monday's a good one!

XOXO

Good and Bad...

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

I've been trying to write a blog post all week, but I feel myself kind of muzzled lately, like if I don't have anything good to say I shouldn't say anything at all. Or, I try to write a post about the good in my life, and it just feels funny, like I'm pretending everything is fine when it's not. 

The truth is, there is good and bad right now.

The bad being just overwhelming sadness about Hunter (not all the time, but when it hits it's really hard to handle), and, worse, flashback-y kind of stuff (PTSD?) to the worst moments of what we went through, just playing it over and over in my mind. Also, my anxiety about Luke and Zo is through the roof. In general, I think I'm still acting normal, getting out and about with them etc., but in my head I am constantly worried that something bad (essentially, them dying) is going to happen. And feeling like if I am vigilant enough, I can keep it from happening. It's not normal. And also and related, work is really, really busy, and I always get into all sorts of weird mental stuff when I am overworked.

But the good...there is also so much good, like my husband and my parents and my friends, especially my best friend who has a knack for calling me up and saying the exact right thing. My children are a joy, pretty much 24/7 (minus the occasional temper tantrum). It's good I have work. We've been doing fun stuff like the pumpkin patch and the Balloon Fiesta and Santa Fe for our anniversary last weekend and my parents were here to visit and that was lovely. Also my husband usually keeps us on a pretty tight budget, but we've been spending some money lately, mostly on fixing up the house, which has been really fun. And, I started working out again and it's good to start to feel stronger, although I have a long way to go to get back to normal. I'm making friends here. I'm sleeping most nights. I'm spending mornings with my kids, despite my heavy workload. Snowboarding season is coming and I can probably go this year. Etc. Etc.

My guess is it's going to be good and bad for a while.

Hating the bad parts, though...I know it's not always going to be this bad, but it sucks to be in the middle of it...

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

October New Year's Resolution/Goal Review

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

A little check-in on the goals I set for the year back in January:

1. Dream home: Aside from some furniture purchases and redoing my mother-in-law's space, we are just getting started on making our house really feel like home. Got the light, above, last weekend (plus 2 other identical ones)...the picture doesn't do it justice in terms of how beautiful the light coming off it is. They are for our entryway...we're looking at doing some work on our main living area eg new hardwood floors, and color, color, color (right now everything is white, which I thought would be beautiful, but turns out it just doesn't feel like us at all. Plus with kids and dogs, we always knew the white carpet would have to go).

2. Girlfriends: Doing well with making friends in my new town, especially now that I'm not so sick from pregnancy. Out and about a lot and meeting some nice people.

3. New office and work schedule: Office is set up. My goal is to work 20 hours/week. Usually I'm over, and the struggle is to keep my workload manageable, but I recently found out I'm losing my biggest client at the end of the year (they got bought out), so now the goal is to see how I'm going to make that 20 hours happen. Ideally it's though my other existing clients. But regardless, big shifts in my work life...something I wouldn't have chosen, but honestly, the change is probably going to be good for me.

4. A finished San Francisco book: Been terrible with this. Just terrible. Not sure why. Committing right here right now to some time each weekday morning...

5. Celebrations: (And by this I mean holidays etc, but also making the effort to do special stuff with the kids.) Been great with this. Really important to me to fill up our memories with all sorts of good stuff...

6. Everyone I love happy and healthy: This one's out of my control, and losing our baby Hunter...beyond heartbreaking...

7. All things good with my mother-in-law (who is living with us): Check. It's working out great to have her here.

8. A new baby: I was, of course, pregnant, and then we lost our sweet Hunter, and now I'm not sure if we have it in us to try again. Leaning towards no, but my husband and I have agreed not to decide for six months. In the meantime, trying to get strong again mentally and physically...

9. Lots of time with family: Everyone has made such an effort to get together, which has been so great. My parents are coming to visit in a few days, and we'll spend Thanksgiving together, and Christmas at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains...can't wait!

10. Time with my best friend: Going to schedule a Seattle trip (that's where she's at) before the end of the year. Miss her so much...

11. Happy little blog: On the whole, pretty happy with my blog, which isn't intended to be huge, but a place (mostly) to document the personal stuff that goes on with our little family...

12. Pictures: I'd love to get more creative with my picture taking. Blocking off an hour a week on my calendar right now to make that happen...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

XOXO

Luke at 18 Months

Dear Luke,

At eighteen months, you are such a joy. You are blonde, blonde, blonde, lean and a tad on the small side, full of energy, always. 

You're always watching. You don't talk all that much, although you have quite a range of words when you do.

Your favorite word right now is "yeah," which you say in response to most anything. You're flexible and up for pretty much anything. You don't say no very often.

You love to be outside and to play on the playground especially. You love going for walks in the stroller and for adventures in the minivan. You'll climb right into either on your own, given half a chance. 

You love to be chased. You've warmed up to the pool, after being tentative about it early in the summer. Now you even go off the diving board into Daddy's arms--you're so brave.

You love to help with anything that's being done. Especially cooking. And feeding the dogs. And watering the flowers--you even have your own little watering can.

Your cautious about some things and need some comforting sometimes...like if we go to Red Robin for dinner and there's someone in the bird suit you'll cry. You love birds, though, and always point them out and call them by name. Planes too. And cars, don't get me started about cars, you absolutely love them.

You're really sweet to your Sissy (except for the occasional hair pulling incident) and are really good with other kids. At playgroup last week, you kept following around a little girl named Morgan, patting her and leaning your head down in affection. You do that with your Sissy a lot too. You have yet to say her name.

Your pacifier is a comfort to you, although you'll often give it up if we ask for it, especially when you are out and about.

You are a great sleeper and eater, you love cottage cheese and strawberries and cheerios especially.

You watch everything so intently, we can almost see the little gears turning in your head, soaking everything up.

Your dad dresses you cool, and you rock suspenders and other days a hat...everyone always comments on how cute you're dressed. (That's mostly your dad's doing, I have to admit).

Overall, you are calm and sweet and loving and fun, so smart, and as I tell you every morning, I am so lucky I get to be your Mommy.

Love always,

Mama

Zoey at 18 Months

Dear Zo,

Eighteen months is such an incredibly fun age with you.

You are tall and lean, full of energy, always. Your hair is getting long, bangs are in your face, I call it your ragamuffin look but it's so cute I hate to change it. Sometimes you'll let me pin it back with bows (often several in a row), but a lot of times not.

You're talking up a storm, lots and lots of words and if I ask you to repeat something a lot of times you'll repeat it back to me. You also talk in long, nonsensical (to me) sentences.

You say "no" a lot, but it's so soft and sweet, you're just gently letting your opinion be known.

You are great with your brother and with other kids (except for a few biting incidents with Bubs).

Your favorite foods are milk and cheese. When Daddy gives you a cookie you run around in circles and screetch.

You love doing "beanbag splashdown," where you jump from the coffee table into your beanbag.

You're on a strict schedule and sleep from 8 to 8 at night almost always, with a nice nap in the afternoon.

The boxers who live with you, Dexter and Newton, are a little overwhelming, but you've learned to say, "back!" to them when you need some space.

You love your stuffed animals (which we call "stuffies"), especially Rock and Mimi, your rabbits, and dog-dog, your schnauzer.

You wear lots of dresses with Converse tennies (so you can run around and be a kid). You love being outside. You love to swim. You love bubble baths. You love stories, or even just turning the pages of a book by yourself. You love your new legos and can build and build and build. You are full of snuggles and giggles, and your smile is one of the best things in the world.

You are, overall, an easy, sweet, smart, fun little girl. Like I tell you every morning, I am so lucky I get to be your Mommy.

Love,

Mama

One of my biggest faults...

 Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

One of my biggest faults I think is a lot of times I feel like I am the only one who is suffering, that everyone else I meet has this perfect little life where everything goes according to plan and there is no pain or sadness. Logically, I know it's not true, but it feels that way a lot of the time.

So here's an interesting story.

I've been going to a little mom's group here in town, so the kids and I can have some socialization. I went a few times before I lost Hunter, but I was so sick with my pregnancy it was hard to get out. I've been going a lot more since.

Anyway. There's one mom there that I met for the first time when I ventured out after losing my baby. She was standoffish to me...it was kind of strange...I just figured she didn't like me for some reason...

Then last week I went to the monthly baby loss group. And she was there. (Albuquerque is a small world, I'm finding out.)

Turns out, she's not unfriendly, nor does she have anything against me. Instead, she just lost her baby and she is brokenhearted and it's not the easiest thing in the world for her to talk to new people. Especially since she had no idea I'd just been through the same sort of thing.

A good reminder for me...things are happening all around me that I just don't know about, just as most people I meet don't know what's happening wth me.

And...on a somewhat separate note, I am falling apart this week over Hunter. I've been doing pretty OK in general, but the past couple days have been SO HARD and I don't know why, unless it's work stress that is triggering things...

XOXO 

Image credit: katrinamayer.com.

Through the Glass...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Strange thing happened late last week.

I had Zo out just the two of us...when I can, I really like just taking one of the twins with me out to do errands. I think it's good for them to have some time alone with me, to not always be a unit.

Anyway, we were at the gas station getting gas, and I didn't want to take Zo out of her car seat because it was such a short amount of time. But I did want to play with her. So I looked through the tinted back window and said, "Peekaboo!" to make her laugh and she giggled, love that giggle and the smile on that girl, one of the best things ever in my life. And then I put my hand on the outside of the window and she put her little hand up to mirror mine...such a small moment, but so sweet.

And it made me think of Hunter, my lost daughter, how there's something like this glass between us, we can never touch, at least not in this life.

Next stop: Car wash, where I got Zo out and was so grateful to be able to tickle her and hold her and touch her warm belly and her hand, skin to skin.

So sad I can't do that with Hunter. It's all so just heartbreakingly sad...

XOXO

Image credit: homewrk.

"All the pleasures of Autumn..."

"...all the pleasures of autumn--hiking under deep blue skies...and the chance for a few last dips in the pool..."

--Vogue, September 2013

Fall is my favorite time of year in the West. Things are going OK around here...trying to focus on the good, as always.

XOXO

Something I've been turning over in my mind...

Something I've been turning over in my mind as I start to think about focusing on other things again, like maybe trying to finish the San Francisco book I'm half done with and I'm scared to finish because it's an experimental form and what if in the end it doesn't come together?

But I know half finished it will haunt me forever...

XOXO

Image found here.

Grace in Small Things, September 25, 2013

Hi Everyone...

Feeling pretty down this afternoon...having trouble working (I've been trying to write a newsletter article for 2 hours and I have 2 sentences...) ...can't make myself go for a hike (why?...it's gorgeous out...I have the time...the dogs will love it...I'll feel better...) ...figured it would be a good time to list some things that are good in my life, right?

And so:

1. My husband and I and the twins are going out for Chinese food tonight, which sounds lovely. Haven't had Chinese food in months and months (since we moved)...hope we end up at a good place (and that the kids like Chinese...)
2. Big changes are afoot at work...my biggest client, whom I've worked with for 7 years, isn't going to be using freelancers anymore after the first of the year. But I do work for other people and this sort of thing has happened before and another client always comes in to fill the void and I only need to work 20 hours a week...so I'm a little scared, but mostly I'm just trusting that things will be OK. Glad to not be panicked over this...
3. I'm still really up and down, but on the whole probably more up than down. My mornings/evenings with the kids/my husband are generally glorious...just sometimes I have a hard time working instead of thinking about what happened, and late at night when I should be sleeping things aren't always the best. But every minute of every day isn't horrible, and I'm grateful for that...
4. I've got about 15 lbs. left to lose from my pregnancy/fertility drugs and it's not happening very fast...but, my husband wants us to commit to doing this exercise thing together (5 AM classes 4 days a week...ugh...that's going to be hard...) so that should help right? And it will be great to do it together...
5. I've been kind of obsessed with figuring out what the next step is as far as having another baby (or figuring out if there is a next step...)...my husband is urging me to take a 6-month break and I am slowly getting more comfortable with that idea...grateful to have some sort of a plan, even if the plan is to do nothing for a little while...

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Wednesday...

XOXO

Half Birthday

"The kids are going to be 18 months old this weekend," I said to my husband. "What do you think about celebrating their half birthday? It doesn't have to be anything big..."

"I think it's ridiculous," he said.

"I know, but it would be fun, and why not make it special for them, you know?"

"You really need this, don't you?" he said.

"Yeah."

"OK then, let's do it."

So we had balloons and cupcakes and legos, lots of legos (their first, and they love them) to celebrate Luke and Zo turning 1 1/2.

We might not do half birthdays every year, but this year, with all the sadness in our house, having a little celebration was the right thing to do.

XOXO