Luke and Zoey: Months 16 and 17

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

I haven't done an update on the kids in a couple months, being on vacation and with everything that's happened with Hunter. I haven't been as present as usual in my life and with the kids--and I'm sad about that, but it is what it is--but wanted to share some pictures and stories.

Summertime, and lots of time outside. That's their grandmother's garden in the background...the kids have especially loved the cherry tomatoes (in fact, Sissy is eating a green one in this picture)...hard to keep them out of them...

Luke especially is such a helper...in the garden, with cooking...if you tell him to take his dirty clothes to the laundry hamper he even does that. :)

My dad was here for a few days before we all drove to Colorado...here he is with Sissy in the park...

One of the things the kids like to do on the banquette in our kitchen is balance like this...we always say, "London Bridge! Yay!" The other thing they really like is to bend over and stick one leg up in the air, to which we say, "Ballet! Swan Lake! Beautiful!"

Reading is a big activity at our house...here's Sissy with "Dinosaur vs Bedtime," one of their all-time favorites. The dinosaur in the book goes, "Roar! Roar! Roar." The kids' dad has a variation on that, where he'll sneak up on the kids and go, "Rar!" They run to me laughing for protection, more for show than for really being scared. It's super cute. Sometimes, Daddy will go, "Rar!" to Zo and she'll go "Rar! back to him in the sweetest, softest little "Rar!" you've ever heard...

This is the day after we lost Hunter...boy, did I need hugs from my kids...and they were happy to oblige... Hard to look at this picture, knowing how much pain I was in...

Cottage cheese. Definitely a favorite. (And one of the messiest meals, unfortunately.) Oh, and speaking of eating, we are trying to teach the kids to use a fork and spoon, but often they end up getting used like swords, battling Mommy and Daddy. "Fork Wars," we call it...

We got the kids a beanbag a few weeks ago...one of the best purchases ever. The rabbit with Sissy in this picture is called "Mimi" (Sissy came up with the name)...her other rabbit that she carries with her everywhere she named "Rock."

Mommy's sun hat...

We've had some rain and cooler weather...it's been nice. It's so rare here...

Bubs lounging on the beanbag... Sometimes they lounge with their dad and watch a short video (5 minutes or so) of a car or a truck doing something...both kids love that time with their dad.

And the kids dressed for the cooler weather...

Oh and the kids are talking up a storm, both of them, Sissy more than Bubs, but that's pretty typical. Some random new words include "neck" and "knee" and "sock" and "shoe" (and they are starting to be kind of interested in dressing themselves, by the way.) Oh and a very popular word that started with Zo but is used by both kids now is "gug-y gug-y," which means "pig." They've also learned "uh-oh," and how to use it. And Zo's first sentence happened last week. We were all having dinner together and Zo's Daddy was trying to be funny, dripping drops of water from her sippy cup into her hair. Zo looked and me and said, "Mommy. Daddy. Uh-oh." We could not stop laughing...

I cannot believe my babies are a year and a half! Time is going by so fast. And always but especially now after what happened with Hunter, I am doing all I can to soak up every minute, to spend as much time as I can with these little ones because this time is so fleeting and although I don't know for sure yet I have a feeling I am never going to have kids this age again...

XOXO

I feel like the shock is wearing off...also trying to think about the future...and I am just so, so, so sad...

Hey Everyone. Happy Tuesday...

Today I am just feeling sad.

Thinking about my brother who said shortly after my husband and I lost our daughter, "We had to make it work as a family of four, and we have" (meaning after our youngest brother died). "You'll make it work as a family of four, too, if you need to."

And about a dear friend of mine who I talked to yesterday about how afraid I was to get pregnant again and she said, "You can't not do something you really want to do out of fear."

And about a family I read about once who lost a daughter as a child, and tried not to be sad about the fact she was gone, but instead look at it as what a gift to have the time with her that they did.

My husband and I talked with our doctor at the IVF clinic Friday, we have 4 frozen embryos and he said he doesn't see any reason not to try again, although he'd want to do genetic testing on the embryos before transfer to up the chances of things turning out OK. (And that's something we would absolutely do, no question.)

If we tried again, it would be my 7th IVF procedure...I just don't know if I can do it again. I am so exhausted by all that we have been through...

But I want a baby in my arms so badly...

But we (my husband and I) were also a little freaked out about being able to handle three kids when I was pregnant, and I think we need to be honest about that fact and examine it a little closer...

I know we don't need to make a decision today, but my head is all over the place on this, and I do feel like we need to decide sometime in the next couple months...

There is the loss of Hunter and that will never change. (And something else I've been thinking about is the fact I wanted another child partly so if we lost a child...always a fear of mine...it wouldn't be so bad. I thought the more children you have the less the loss of one would hurt. It's ironic that it's Hunter that we lost, and boy, was the math on that wrong, by the way. I don't think it matters at all how many kids you have, the loss of one is terrible no matter what.)

Anyway, layered on top of our loss for me is this sadness and anger and frustration that we aren't necessarily going to have a say in when our family is complete...that the pregnancy with Hunter may be my last.

And it's not even like we get to decide yes we want another baby or no we don't...even if we decide we want to try so many things have to go exactly right for that to actually happen.

If I get pregnant again, I'm not going to complain about anything, not one word. (Although I do want to be honest about the fact that I get very sick when I'm pregnant, and make sure there are allowances in place for that.)

But I will be scared the whole time.

Today, I just feel like a lost little girl, on the verge of tears, nothing makes sense and I am just so, so sad and scared and confused.

Oh and on a completely random note, I can't stop checking that my kids are in their car seats when I'm driving around with them. Where are they going to go, right? But I have to reach back and touch and see that they are still there over and over and over. Crazy...

Really feeling it today. I don't know, I think maybe the shock is wearing off, but I am just so, so, so, so sad right now...and have no idea what to do moving forward...

XOXO 

Summer in Colorado: Part 2

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Posting these pics of the trip Luke and Zo and I took to visit my parents last month (my husband stayed behind and worked only because he was saving all his vacation for a paternity leave)...posting these pictures--especially the ones with me in them--is kind of bittersweet for me...it's like I was talking about the other day, I only have a few more pictures of me pregnant with Hunter, and it's like once they are posted, she is really gone. (Even though I know she is gone already.)

But I need...I know I need to focus on Luke and Zo, and what a lovely time we had in Colorado, visiting Grammy and Grandpa. It's weird to say this I know, but I also feel lucky that Hunter got to have this visit too...this was her one trip...

And so...

My dad flew down to do the drive there and back with us, as I wasn't sure how it was going to be with the twins. Thank you, Dad! The trip was about 8-ish hours with 2 stops...my dad has a talent for finding the best roadside stopping places...this was the first one just outside Durango, CO...we'd get out and give the kids something to snack on and let them and our two boxers (who we brought on vacation too) run around. Worked out great.

Highway 550 out of Durango is really treacherous...big dropoffs, no guard-rails...and made 100 times worse with a crazy hailstorm. My dad drove, we went slowly, we made it...

There's a great playground/sandbox area at the church my mom goes to...we had such fun taking the kids there:

And grass...how I miss grass (there is so much Xeriscaping in New Mexico, including our house), and my parent's property has big swaths of it. We spent lots of time playing on the grass. Buckets of water and measuring cups were also a big hit with the kids...

It was an interesting trip and one where we just needed to be adaptable in that I'd been sick right before, as had the kids...Luke was still sick the first few days and then my dad got sick and then my mom, and the kids were teething and sooooooo fussy (maybe due to being in a different environment as well)...we still had a great vacation, but a lot of allowances had to be made... (plus I was pregnant and not feeling well just from that...)

Grammy got books from the library...lots of time reading...

So fun to play with Grammy!

And Grammy's garden is soooooooooo beautiful. My mother is amazing! One of the most special things for me this trip was she would take one of the kids down to the garden with her each day, and they (the kids) would come back with a flower in their hand, outstretched to give it to me. I collected all the flowers in a little glass over the time we were there...it was so sweet.

This is my mom and my Uncle David, who along with my mother taught me my outdoors skills and is just such a cool guy (my first memories of him are him living in a real teepee.) His daughter and her husband and son came and spent a couple days, too...it was so fun to see them!

Luke and Zo LOVED playing my mom's piano...

Luke used his paci a lot this trip...he so wasn't feeling well, poor thing...

We went downtown one day to Kairos, which is the coolest kid's store. The kids got hats...this pink one on Sissy, and a brown one just like it for Luke...too cute!

And a trip to the water park...Sissy especially loved the fountain...

I've always felt like going to visit my parents is like going to a spa...the setting is so lush and peaceful, my mom makes these amazing and healthy meals with produce from her garden, usually we're going on hikes all the time (although not this trip). I love these pictures of Sissy because they capture that serene feeling...

Good meals three times a day in the sunroom...

And then one afternoon, Grammy set the kids up with chocolate pudding...so fun! :)

More grass time...and oh, those kids love their grandpa! :)

The last weekend we were there was the Palisade Peach Festival, a big annual event. My brother and his family came out and we started with the pancake breakfast (the kids are crazy about pancakes...they ate 6 pancakes between them!), followed by the parade and the car show and the festival itself with peaches of course and booths with food and crafts. 

Too. Many. Pancakes.

(Sissy is in love with her stuffies, by the way...)

Love to see that girl laughing...

And love to see Luke and Zo interact...they have their moments, but for the most part they are so sweet with each other...

Me and Zo and Luke and Hunter...

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

It's raining like crazy here, but if it lets up, we are going to try to get out to the state fair...fun. :)

XOXO

"Baby"

A couple of months ago, out of the blue, my daughter Zo touched my tummy and said, "baby!" She must have heard us talking about the baby, touching my tummy...not sure where else that would have come from.

"That's right," we encouraged her. "Baby. That's your little brother or sister in there."

And with that encouragement, touching my tummy and saying, "baby" became a regular thing, 3 or 4 times a day.

Which was super cute and charming, until we found out we were going to lose our baby.

The first 24 hours after I knew, it was so painful to have Zo say, "baby."

And then for some reason, something switched in my mind, and I was glad she was saying "baby." "That's right, baby," I'd say back to her, wanting it to be true for as long as possible.

And then after Hunter was gone, Zo would touch my tummy and say, "baby," and I'd say, "No. Your baby's name is Hunter and she's not in Mommy's tummy anymore. She's in Heaven." 

Zo is still touching my belly and saying, "baby." I dread the day that it stops.

This morning she was doing it, and Luke was there and he did it too--while it's common for Zo it's very unusual for him.

I got out a book that I got from the grief group lending library, a book for little kids called, "We were going to have a baby, but we got an angel instead." I read them the book this morning because it seemed like the right thing to do, like it might explain what happened to them. They had me read it three times in a row.

I want there to be a baby in my tummy.

When Zo and Luke stop saying it, it's like the fact that I don't will really be true, even though I know it's true anyway. 

There are lots of little things like that. Like I got a pedicure when I was pregnant and I don't want to take the polish off. Like the book I started when I was pregnant, I don't want to finish it because then all this will really be true. Like the fact that I love fall, but I hate that the seasons are changing because it's no longer summer which means I don't have my baby anymore...one spring and one summer, that's all I got with her.

All this is so hard, you guys. So hard.

Every time Zo pats my tummy and says, "baby," I feel like it may be the last, and I don't want it to be the last.

I know this is a silly thing to obsess on. But there it is.

XOXO

All Over the Place, Still...

Hi Everyone...

First off, thank you so much to everyone for your continued support...really truly means a lot.

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since we lost our baby girl. Almost 3 weeks since we found out something was terribly wrong. Oh, gosh, this is so hard.

When people ask how I'm doing I generally say, you know, good days and bad days, just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Which is true, but the more complicated truth is that I am all over the place. I can go out with the twins and have a perfectly nice morning. I can obsess over what happened all day. I can work just fine. I can't work at all. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fine and then I'm having flashbacks to the worst possible moments of what happened. (This happened when my brother was killed too and I know it's something I need to take seriously and get help with.) I think my husband is the best. I think my husband is the meanest person on the planet. (Luckily, this doesn't happen very often. And he's not trying to be mean, he just needs different things than I do.) I feel sorry for myself because no one I know in my new town has said a word to me about losing the pregnancy. I feel lucky that I have tons of support and love coming to me from friends and family all over the nation. I understand that what happened is random and has nothing to do with me or anything I did. I feel like the worst mother in the world for not being able to protect my baby. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a good idea. I feel like trying again to have a baby is a terrible idea. I'm trying to stay busy, busy, busy. My husband says he knows I'm not doing well because I am trying to overplan/overschedule. Etc, etc, etc...

All the above can happen--sometimes does happen--in one day, by the way.

I'm doing everything I can think of, from counseling to grief groups, starting to exercise, planning fun things for me and the kids, going on dates with my husband, trying to socialize, making sure I get some sleep and am eating, etc, etc, etc. 

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is trying to give myself time and space to grieve this loss, because there is a very strong sentiment all around for me to just get over it, get back to my old self, move forward. I do believe I need to be there for my kids and my husband...the thing I'm working on right now is how to compartmentalize things--to make sure I have what I need (because denying myself that has had some pretty dire consequences), but to still be a good wife and mother because I know that's so important.  

Anyway, today has been a pretty decent day. Yesterday, not so much. 

This is hard, y'all. 

I hate that I have to live through this. Then again, why not me? I wish there wasn't so much pain in this life...

Up and Down...

Hi Everyone.

Big sigh...

My husband and I are trying to kind of "get back to normal" after the holiday weekend, which I think is the right decision. Overall, I feel generally OK, and then something happens and I start crying and am so, so, so, so sad, and then go back to OK. Spending mornings with the kids, which is awesome, working in the afternoons. Trying not to work too much and just give myself a lot of space right now. I've got a lot of projects but I'm not stressed about the deadlines or anything. Health and family first, I keep thinking. Work will get done as I'm able to get it done.

It's weird going back into the "real world." Like yesterday, I took the kids to story hour, where I've become friendly with the other moms and dads, and everyone there knew I was pregnant. All people said yesterday is, "It's good to see you guys again, it's been a while." And all I said was, "Yeah, we've been on vacation." It's weird that no one's talking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. But I totally understand...how do you bring it up? You can't really say to someone you don't know that well, "Oh, I see you've lost your baby."

And then work...some of the people I work with are close friends and know what's going on. But there's a whole group of people I've worked with for years, and I know they were told some version of what happened (although what I'm gathering is that they were told this was a run-of-the-mill miscarriage, and not really the extent of what was going on)...anyway, some of those people have said I'm so sorry, but most have said nothing. It's weird. Have people just not ever had bad things happen to them? I'm not mad, but it's just so strange...

Today, I went to the funeral home and picked up Hunter's ashes. I cried about it after, but actually going there was strangely devoid of emotion. I have to tell you though, it's killing me that the only place her name will ever actually officially be is on the forms at the funeral home. Absolutely breaks my heart.

Yesterday, both the doctor and the nurse who were with us last week through the hell we went through called to check on me. They both said everyone can't stop thinking about and talking about my family...that we and our circumstances touched them all deeply. Which was cool to hear...I figured they deal with tragedies like this all the time, and we're just one more...

I still can't believe all this is happening.

It's a week today since we lost little Hunter. 

It's been a tough, tough week. Punctuated by joyful moments with the twins, and my husband and I really trying the best we can to take care of each other. And also, really, overall a lot of support from family and friends, and all you guys too...I really appreciate the effort so many people have made to reach out to us.

I hate that this is my "new normal."

XOXO

Thank You! And...Summer in Colorado: Part 1

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

First of all, I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me in the wake of the terrible thing that has happened to our precious daughter. Especailly those of you who sent me emails after I put up a post and took it down last week...means a lot.

I think this blog is going to be kind of schizophrenic for a while, as I try to come to terms with what happened with our baby girl...and also, I don't want to stop writing about the joy that Luke and Zo bring into our lives...it's really important for me not to push that aside as I deal with what is turning out to be some pretty overwhelming grief (more on that later in the week, I'm sure...)

To that end, I want to catch up on posting pictures...I'm so behind and I don't want these memories to get lost.

First up: the birthday trip (for my birthday) we took to Colorado a little over a month ago, just over the New Mexico border outside a town called Antonito. What a beautiful part of the state (and that Northern part of New Mexico...so beautiful as well). My parents got us cabins and my brother and his family came down too. We stayed at a place called Mogote Meadows, wich wasn't fancy, but so pretty, lush and green and the cabins were super cute and spotlessly clean.

There's a really cool train in Antonito that I'd love to take the kids on someday, but this trip, a visit to the train yard had to suffice:

Cousins: :)

After naps, my mom and the kids and I went to the river and spent a couple hours throwing rocks in...the kids had such a good time...

Grandpa spent a lot of time with the kids playing "Say Goodbye," which entails the kids getting turned upside down...they love it.

My brother made mango salsa as an appetizer, and fish tacos for dinner. Luke could not get enough of the salsa:

After the kids went to bed, we had a fire in the fire ring right behind our cabin, and had cake and ice cream and smores and presents for me. Love this picture of me below...lovely to be so happy on my birthday...

The next day, we all hung out together at camp unitl after lunch...so nice. So great to see everyone...we had such a wonderful weekend...Thanks Mom and Dad for making my birthday so special!!!

 

Today...

Today I am sad, every day now it's just this ache...I want my baby.
Then sometimes the grief washes over me and I cry and cry and it's almost unbearable.
And then I'm just sad again.
Physically, I've lost 1/3 of my blood volume and I am so weak.
I feel like I got hit by a truck.
I'm OK in the morning but just so exhausted as the day wears on.
My husband is all about making me better physically...bring on the iron-rich foods, he says.
I'm also having a really hard time sleeping...need to take care of that.
Luke and Zo are a joy to be around, but I'm afraid I don't have the physical or emotional energy to give them all they need right now.
The thing I keep thinking is I'm not a mother anymore, which is silly because of course I am a mother.
But I feel like an imposter.
I'm doing the best I can.
I'm so sad...

The worst news possible...

A week ago at our routine 20-week anatomy scan we were thrilled to learn we were expecting a little girl. We'd already named her: Hunter Sirena. Today we lost our precious daughter at 21 weeks gestation. My husband and I are home from the hospital and doing OK although our hearts are broken into a million little pieces. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. Dark days right now...
XOXO
Kristen

Pregnancy Weeks 18/19

Hi Everyone!

I'm 20 weeks pregnant as of yesterday...halfway...yippee!

How I'm feeling: Much better, but still nauseous often and very tired by the end of the day most days. Sleeping OK some nights and not others. I had what I assume was the flu a week or so ago...I though it was just the pregnancy, but then why was I throwing up all the time again and headache and just generally awful and then everyone in my house except my husband had it too and my parents who I am visiting both came down with it. So that was no fun.

Also some days really feeling my belly stretch, which doesn't hurt exactly, but doesn't feel great either.

Also am getting totally overwhelmed/emotional about once a week...like lying on the floor sobbing for no good reason (other than the kids are teething and a handful right now but that's true every day and usually I'm fine) emotional which is what happened today...two little kids and pregnancy is just so HARD. I was reading the other day about how women are expected to be superwomen these days, and part of that is acting like everything we're doing is a piece of cake, and I really try to do that as much as I can (two 17-month-olds and a really tough pregnancy as far as not feeling well through it and a stressful job and everything else...yeah, no big deal, is how I usually try to be.) But really, the truth is it IS a big deal, it's hard, and I love my life and all I've been blessed with but right now with so many constant demands...it's hard.

What I'm looking forward to: Our scan next week (postponed because I'm out of town)...really excited to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. This whole pregnancy is still feeling so abstract...hoping that knowing will make it more real...

What I'm worried about: Nothing really, other than the general, ever-present how-are-we-going-to-do-this-with-all-these-little-kids? worry.

What I'm reading/watching/listening to: Breaking Bad, again, man, that show is SO GOOD. Still working my way through Love in the Time of Cholera. Also started reading Making Babies: Stumbling Into Motherhood by Anne Enright...so good but really dense with meaning and insights...I feel like I need to read it just a little bit at a time. And I finally got to sit and read Vogue and Glamour...not by the pool like I've been dreaming about all summer (why can I not make that happen?) but so fun to curl up with those magazines, which are my guilty pleasure. I got an iPAD for my birthday (thanks Mom and Dad!) and it's so fun to read magazines and books on that thing. Oh, and is it wrong that I'm a grown-up and I love Katy Perry? I love her new song "Roar," can't get it out of my head...

What I'm doing for me: My mom watched the kids the other day and I got a pedicure and a massage and a chiropractic adjustment...I felt like a new woman...amazing what a few hours like that does for me. I've also been letting a lot of stuff go (like posting here) during a really busy stretch of work and while I'm on vacation...feels good to expect a little less of myself...

So overall all is well...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! 

XOXO

Weeks 16/17

Weeks 13/14/15

Week 12

Weeks 10/11

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Kintsukuroi (and Some Other Random Thoughts)

I read about kintsukuroi on Jasmine Star's blog the other day and can't get it out of my head. (Why am I reading a weeding photographer's blog, you may ask? Because I really admire the way she runs her business...especially how she feels that you get ahead by helping other people, not stepping on them. I believe that too. It's how I try to run my business. I feel like it's pretty rare.)

Anyway, kintsukuroi - it's Japanese, "to repair with gold", the theory being that something is more beautiful for having been broken.

Honestly, I'm not sure I 100% believe this, but it's such a lovely thought, and I hope that it is true. 

On a completely unrelated topic, so sorry to neglect this space so terribly as of late...a massive pre-vacation workload and now I'm on vacation and don't feel like doing anything, plus the kids are teething and incredibly fussy/clingy at the moment so makes it hard to do anything but be with them, which is OK because, ahhhhhh, so great not to have to worry about work deadlines and just spend the whole day with my kiddos.

(At least that's how I feel most of the time. But when they haven't stopped whining for 3 hours straight and both want my lap to themselves, pushing the other one off, all I can think is, "what am I doing wrong?")

Anyway. Hope everyone out there is doing well and I will be posting more regularly soon, promise.

Happy Wednesday!

XOXO

Image credit: https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/58787_376544129119318_1944135826_n.jpg

Pregnancy Weeks 16/17

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Well, I'm 18 weeks pregnant today. In a way it feels like the time is going really fast all of a sudden, but it also seems like I've been pregnant forever and will be forever...

Anyway, here is the latest:

How I'm feeling: MUCH better. I've been taking 2 zofran at night and that seems to take care of the nausea for 24 hours...I didn't take it last night and have been feeling sick since about 3 AM...will start again tonight. Would like to be off it but just can't function with the nausea... 

How I'm sleeping: Some nights great, some nights not so much. Cheerios and milk seem to help. Reading. A warm bath. It's totally unpredictable...generally I'm just up 1-3 hours but some nights I don't sleep at all. Trying to make up for it with naps and sleeping in in the mornings (Luke and Zo have been sleeping until 8 or 8:30 AM since we moved to one nap a day, which is heaven...)

What I'm excited about: Feeling the baby move, most days although not every day. We've decided to find out the sex and that's still about 3 weeks away because I'm going on vacation, but excited for that scan. We had talked aobut not finding out but I can't wait...I feel like we can start planning/preparing rooms and clothes and etc. better if we know the sex (we have 2 kid rooms so eventually the same-sex kids are going to share, although initially we'll keep the twins together and the baby in his/her own room...but it'll be fun for me to know which room is which/who will be rooming together for future decorating plans...)

What I'm worried about: That they will see something wrong with the baby on the scan, although I'm not overly obsessed with it. Trying not to think about it. Also a dear blogging friend got some scary potential Down's syndrome news (big hugs to her), and for work I've starting working on this new prenatal test so that stuff is top-of-mind. FYI, I didn't get tested for any genetic stuff, because we didn't with the twins, and that decision was made on the following factors (in close consultation with my OB): 1) We would not terminate a pregnancy if there was an issue; 2) Those tests give false positives and for me it would be too hard to worry the whole pregnancy about my baby possibly having an abnormality, I would obsess on it and possibly for no reason and I can't do that to myself. I personally need to just take things as they come.

Also a little worried as usual about how we are going to handle 3 kids...will I ever leave the house again? is my big worry...I can't picture me out and about on my own with 3 little kids. (Two I've totally got down...three terrifies me...)

What I'm craving: Grapefruit juice like crazy. Cereal and milk in the middle of the night.

Weigh gain: I'm up 25 lbs. from my normal weight, 10 of those with the IVF drugs, 15 with the first trimester (when eating was the only thing that helped the morning sickness). My weight's been stable for the past month or so.

I gained 70 lbs. with the twins and lost it all, so I'm not too worried about what my weight is doing...

What I'm reading/watching/listening to: Newsroom. (Love.) Suits. I think we're going to start with Project Runway. I'm reading Love in the Time of Cholera, which is so good. 

What I'm doing for me: I got a new lip gloss the other day...I can't find any of mine since we moved. Looking into yoga (will probably start something once I'm back from Colorado). Been trying to get out more and make friends (via kid activities) now that I'm feeling better, and making some progress there...yay. Went out with my husband on Saturday night for a little brewery tour of ABQ...that was super fun, and nice for him to have a designated driver. :) AND we ordered lounge chairs for our pool back in May and they just arrived...this weekend I am going to lay in the sun and read Vogue while the kids are napping, with a dip in the pool whenever I get too hot...I have been looking forward to that all summer...can't wait. :)

XOXO

Weeks 13/14/15

Week 12

Weeks 10 and 11

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

"No Regrets Parenting"

Hi Everybody! Happy Wednesday!

PAIL has a little book club going on that I'm participating in this month. The book is called "No Regrets Parenting" by Dr. Harley Rotbart. There was a list of questions submitted by participants, and I'm going to use those questions as a framework for my discussion of the book. And so, without further ado:

• What, if anything, did you find particularly useful about this book? I love the premise of this book, which is to spend time with your kids and really live every minute of their childhood, so once they are gone you have "no regrets." I haven't really seen that idea spelled out before, and it was useful for me to gel some of my thinking about parenting. On the not-so-useful side, this book also played into two of my biggest fears, namely: 1) How in the world am I going to let these kids go when they are 18? I love them so much, can't imagine life without them (although I probably will still be part of their life, I know, it's just not the same) and 2) Should I be spending every waking minute with my kids? Is my working part time harming them? This book talks so much about spending all the time you can with your kids, and I already feel guilty sometimes for working...
• How did this book influence how you think about parenting or how you approach busyness? This book pretty much just reinforced what I've been thinking, which is time with the kids is good and it can be totally unstructured and be fine. My day is so busy, my "to do" list a mile long, but kid time comes first so from 7 AM to 11 AM I'm pretty much solely with/100% focused on the kids...ditto for 5 PM to 8 PM and all weekend.
• What parts of this book do you disagree with and why? This book stated right up front that it wasn't intended to help people figure out ways to get time for themselves, but I wish that had been addressed. The book makes it seem like you should do your job and spend time with your kids and that's it. That's what I'm doing now, pretty much, and maybe that's as it should be, but I really would like to figure out a way to have a little life of my own--just a tiny bit of "me time"--as well.
• The author keeps talking about time, time time with your kids. I know a lot of us at PAIL have young toddlers, and I’m wondering what others do with their kids in this age range. Sometimes when I have the whole weekend, at some point I feel like I run out of ways to keep everyone entertained. This was actually my question, and I love, love, love spending time with my twins but I do sometimes feel like I run out of ideas. They're 16 months old and the only real structured things we have are story hour on Tuesday mornings and Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings. Other than that, here's my list of go-to ideas, but I'd love to hear more: Reading (but there are only so many times you can read "Curious George and the Puppies"), playing in the yard, going to the grassy park and running around in the grass, going to the playground and sliding down the slides and/or swinging on the swings, pool time on the weekends, having them "help" me (eg, this morning it took us an hour and a half to make enchiladas for dinner, something it would otherwise have taken me half an hour to do. They also helped take the laundry, piece by piece, to the laundry room this evening. Not very efficient, either of these tasks, but we spend the time together and I know they are learning tons and we have the time), coffee shop for bagels, errands (although this can be a bit challenging with twins), playing with their toys...help...I need more ideas!
• What kinds of things do people do to “double dip” as is discussed in this book? I like to take the kids for walks in their stroller...I get exercise, they get fresh air, we end up at a park where they can run around...everybody wins. And as soon as they are old enough to ski/snowboard I want to start going to the mountain with them...
• Do you have child activity limits or do you let your child sign up for everything like the “potpourri” parent described? If your kid(s) is (are) young, what are your plans? We plan to hugely limit what our kids sign up for, because we want to spend lots of unstructured time with them and keep our lives from becoming too chaotic. What we're thinking to start is to sign Luke and Zo up for ballet and karate (both activities for both of them)...and then things will evolve according to their interests but we feel very strongly about not having our kids over scheduled.
• How do you make time for yourself if you are focusing on spending time with your children and keeping up a demanding career like the author describes? Hahahahahaha..... No, seriously, I am trying to do better, spending a night or two a week doing something creative after the kids go to bed. And also my husband is great about watching them if asked, so I'm trying to plan some evening/weekend things like a yoga class or a pedicure. It's really hard--this trying to make time for yourself is what I'm finding most challenging about motherhood right now...
• Frequently people tell parents to “enjoy every minute” while their kids are little, and at times this book has that sort of feeling. What do you think about this advice and how can you make it practical as a part of your life? I think it's good advice. I do try to enjoy every minute, although sometimes it's easier than others. (Morning sickness isn't a big help in this regard.) I try to be very present and not do email/internet/talk on the phone/etc. while I'm with the kids. I try to plan fun and meaningful activities for us. I try to take lots of pictures and write about the things we do here on my blog so when I look back and it's all a big blur I can see that this time was made of lots of leisurely minutes/hours/days and I did what I could to make it special.
• How do you keep track of your child’s activities? Do you find it helpful or hard to see what you might be missing? My kids are young so this isn't really and issue...

Overall, I enjoyed this book, and liked some of the concrete suggestions that it had. It also helped me to reframe things a little for the better...for example, I do baths and bedtime ritual 99% of the time, and I used to kind of feel like, "Why am I the one who always has to do this?" But the truth is I love doing it. I love spending that time with my kids. What else would I be doing if I wasn't doing that? Cleaning up after dinner (which my husband and mother-in-law so graciously do every night)? Getting in another hour's worth of work? Working on my endless list of chores/phone calls/organizational tasks/errands? It's not a burden to be with my kids--it's not something that's keeping me from other things--it's exactly what I want to be doing. Because I know how fast the time is going to go and how much I'm going to miss doing things like baths when the kids start wanting to do it themselves instead. This book helped to clarify things like that in my mind and for that alone it was worth the read.

XOXO

Image Credit: No Regrets Parenting.

Zoey's Diary: 15 Months

Hi Hi Hi!

Zoey here, to tell you all about us being 15 months old!

First of all, Uncle Ben and his family came to visit! So exciting! We looooove our Uncle Ben...he is the best!

Also, lots of pool time, especially on the weekends. I was always pretty gung-ho about the pool from the start, but Bubs was a little scared at first, but he's totally come around. We like to get in and out of the pool, while Mommy and Daddy stay in and watch us, but they've got to be ready for us because when we're ready to get back in we're READY...we just turn around and shimmy in feet first and trust that there's someone there to catch us (which there always is).

We are totally into getting behind the couch cushions lately...Mommy calls it playing in our secret fort. 

Mommy is all about pool safety, which is why we wear our safety turtles (the green bracelets you see) when we are not swimming. We really like them. If Mommy says "turtle" we touch our wrists whether the bracelets are on or not. And when she's ready to put on the turtles, we are happy to hold out our wrists and get them on. 

Daddy is so great to hang out with. Lately he's been teaching Bubs how to play Farkle (like Yatzee) on the iPAD.

And me, given the choice, I always want my Daddy holding me.

We get outside every day...Mommy says she's not sure what she's going to do with herself once winter hits...although she does say that winter is mild in New Mexico, so I say put coats on us and we can go out and play just like we always do.

Ice cream + Bubs = a match made in heaven.

What else...let's see...we are talking like mad. Here is a list of some of my words:

Milk (pronounced "nk")

Ball

Truck

Mama

Daddy

Teddy (which can sound a lot like Daddy...sometimes you need to take the context into consideration)

Roar

I always look so proud of myself when I say something and people understand.

Here are some of Bubs' words:

Teddy

Plane

Car

Bird

Ball

Hot

Roar

Speaking of cars, Bubs has gone crazy for cars all of a sudden. He wakes up in the morning going "car, car, car, car," and any time we are out he has to touch all the cars we walk past. And Daddy got him some Hot Wheels...Bubs was so happy! 

And...we are super splash-happy in the bath lately, or at least that's what Mommy says. Sometimes she closes the curtain and says "splash zone" and lets us go to town.

What else...I love to spin in circles. Sometimes Daddy will spin me and then I'll stagger off...Mommy and Daddy think it's hilarious. And both me and Bubs have started to bounce. And if Daddy says "shimmy" I'll move my shoulders with the music that's playing...that's my way of dancing. And we love to sit in Mommy's lap, both of us, for stories. We can literally sit and be read to for an hour...we are just crazy about books, both of us. And we love it when we can sit with Mommy and share a morning snack (she feeds it to us)...our favorite is strawberries and cottage cheese...

So that's about it...summer fun around here and we are loving it!

Love,

Zoey

Pregnancy Weeks 13/14/15

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. Saw my OB last week too, and all is well.

How I'm feeling: Better for sure, better all the time, but still not great. The nausea is mostly in the evenings/nights now. So grateful not to have it 24/7 but having it at all still sucks. Been taking Zofran at night (before bed) and that seems to be helping some. Have been having some headaches (once a week or so). Have been so very tired, all the time, but that seems to be letting up a little too.

What I'm excited about: I swear I've been feeling this baby move for the past week, even though you're not supposed to be able to feel it until 16 weeks. It's so cool.

What I'm worried about: I've had some anxiety recently about people I love dying. (This is an ongoing issue for me that pops up every once in a while. Well, truthfully, it's there all the time, it's just sometimes it gets a little out of control.) 

What my health plan has to say about my pregnancy: Let me preface this by saying before I got pregnant I asked my previous doctor if it was OK for me to do so. I was prepared not to if she said there were substantial risks. But she said go ahead, no problem. My new health plan does a pregnancy program, and after their interview sent me this list of my "Identified Risks:"

• Advanced maternal age
• History of gestational diabetes
• History of gestational hypertension
• History of preterm delivery
• History of recurrent pregnancy loss
• Infertility treatment current pregnancy - ART or IVF

Now, all this doesn't mean I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. But this list is weighing on my mind a little, like did I do something I shouldn't have? But it is what it is at this point, right? And all is well so far...

What I've been reading/watching/listening to: A book called "Love is a Mix Tape," which is un-put-downable. "Newsroom" (the whole first season), which is SUCH a good show. Oh and my husband and I went and saw "This Is the End" on our date night a week or so ago, which was fun. 

What I've been doing for me: Naps. (Not very glamorous, but I feel so lucky when I get to lie down.) A massage. Hair appointment. I went to the knitting store here for the first time, to get supplies to make a baby gift for a friend of mine. (So I guess I'm going to be knitting, which I haven't done since the kids were born. It's a super easy project, should be fun.) And I ordered some stationary, which I've been meaning to do for like a year...

So that's the latest.

I'm just going to go on record here and say I HATE the first trimester of pregnancy. I knew it was going to be hard, but the sickness and the depression related to that...really awful. Months of awful. So grateful I never have to go through that again. I think the second trimester is going to be a bit more manageable, though, or at least it's shaping up that way so far, knock on wood...

XOXO

Week 12

Weeks 10 and 11

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Zoey's Diary: Teddy Bear Picnic

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Zoey here. So Mommy said July 10 is Teddy Bear Picnic Day, and that we should do something since I am CRAZY about teddies! She said it was OK to do the picnic on the weekend, though, and not on the actual date of July 10. So last Sunday, we got a bunch of my teddies together (plus my pirate dog. And Luke's fuzzy bunny.) and went to the park. Mommy originally wanted to go to Arroyo del Oso park, because oso means bear in Spanish, but there's not much shade there in the afternoon and we definitely needed shade. Se we went to the other little park close to our house. 

Here are all the teddies, and the teddy bear sandwiches our grandma made. They had cream cheese and other yummy stuff inside...there were three different kinds, and they were soooooooo delicious!

Mommy brought apple juice and a bowl full of ice to keep the drinks cool:

Grandma came with us...we were so happy to have her along!

Oh, and the bowl of ice...fun to play in and it helped to keep us cool. (Mommy said she thought that might be the case.)

Oh, and then we had Teddy Grahams for dessert...we barely ever get sweets so we were excited! Bubs tried to eat them by the handful. I just did one at a time. Bubs thought we should eat the whole container but I thought and Mommy agreed that we should take some home to Daddy, so he could have a little part of our picnic.

So that's it! It was so fun! Mommy said we can do a Teddy Bear Picnic every year...can't wait for the next one!

Love,

Zo-Zo

Monday Snapshot: Zoey Wears Vintage Edition

Hey Everyone! Happy Monday!

Isn't this mushrooms-and-flowers romper my mom made for me back in the '70s the cutest?!? This might be the last of the baby clothes I have from my childhood for Zo to wear...sniff, sniff...

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XOXO

(This post is part of PAIL's Monday Snapshot series...click here to check out this week's contributors.) 

New Year's Goals...How's It Going?

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

I did goals for the New Year back in January, and since the year's half over now thought it would be a good time to check in and see how things are shaping up:

1. Dream Home: We have a new house and it's really cool. There is still a lot we want to do with it, but for the most part stuff is on hold as we save for maternity leave/the new baby. That's OK...we'll get around to it eventually
2. Girlfriends: Ugh...since we moved, I have been terrible about getting out and meeting people. Actually, I have made some effort, but this kind of thing takes time. Plus I have been sick sick sick over the past 2 months, so that's made things hard
3. New Office and Work Schedule: I've got a new office (also our guest room) and am doing pretty well with my work schedule goal of 20-30 hours a week (soon to be a hard stop at 20, but need to save for that maternity leave so my hours are a little higher at the moment...)
4. A Finished San Francisco Book: This is one of several half-done writing projects that I have. I am doing a terrible job at writing/doing anything creative. I spend my days watching kids, working, household tasks and am exhausted by the end of the day. Not sure how to get back into the creative groove or if this is gone from my life for the time being (forever?), especially with a third kid on the way. I want to have kids AND still do the things that are important to me, but I'm starting to wonder if that's realistic...
5. Celebrations: I've been working hard to make holidays etc. special. Helps to have my mother-in-law around to help...she's great at that kind of stuff...
6. Everyone I Love Happy and Healthy: There's nothing I can do about this one, but thankfully all is well.
7. All Things Good With My Mother-in-Law (who is now living with us): Check. 
8. A New Baby: Check. This is where it feels like 99% of my energy has been going since March. I find pregnancy extraordinarily difficult...thought it might be easier with one baby vs twins, but that doesn't seem to be the case...
9. Time With my Best Friend: Hasn't happened. Must plan something with her before the baby comes....would mean so much to me to see her. 
10. Time With Family: Been doing great with this. My family makes such an effort...so hugely appreciated.
11. Pictures: I'm starting to take more pictures again (didn't for a while because I was so sick). I want to do more with this but I'm not sure exactly what...need to figure that out...
12. Happy Little Blog: I am posting pictures of/stories about the kids, which is important to me, but I've been having trouble writing about anything else since we moved. I feel like I'm such a different person since we moved. I'm actually feeling a little lost, to be honest, and it's not something I'm really comfortable talking about because I want to stay positive for my husband so he doesn't feel bad about moving us here, and also I don't want anyone to worry about me. Bottom line is I'm not sure what I want this blog to be anymore...want to spend some time thinking about that...

So essentially, anything family-related is getting done, anything creative I'm struggling with. Maybe if I set aside an evening or two a week to focus on creative stuff...because I hate how it's being given the back seat...between that and not being able to do the athletic stuff I normally do since I'm pregnant, I think that's a lot of where this lost feeling is coming from...

XOXO

Luke's Diary: 4th of July

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

We just had 4th of July and it was so fun!

Here's Sissy in the morning in her fourth-of-July PJs..it's hard to see but they say "Red, White and Cute!"

Blue and white stripes were the closest Mommy could come to forth-of-July PJs for me. They have a little teddy on the pocket and Sissy always says "Teddy" and points when Mommy puts these PJs on me. Oh, and this is my Ugly Doll, Donnie Darinko.

There was a parade in our neighborhood! Grandma decorated the wagon up super cute. I rode in it up to the starting point of the parade, but then there was too much going on and I wanted to get out. Sissy rode in the wagon the whole way, though. She has her new little pirate dog in her lap...it's her favorite toy at the moment.

There were fire trucks in the parade, which was so cool!

Here's Sissy with one of the fire trucks, and waving the flag...she's a good waver.

I was happier off to the side though. Isn't my parade outfit great? Daddy says the hat makes me look like a dude.

There was a pretty cool dog:

And lots and lots of people. Our neighbors all seem so nice.

Dad let me ride on his shoulders most of the way...he is the best...

Here's Mommy pulling Sissy in the wagon, with extra teddies in the car on the back (Sissy is so into teddies right now, Grandma thought teddies would be a good theme for our wagon. Didn't Grandma do such a great job? We love all she does to make holidays special for us.)

And then after the parade was the pool. Mommy and Daddy actually moved our chairs that we eat in outside, and we spent most of the rest of the weekend in our backyard. That was the best part of 4th of July...just all of us hanging out together.

Oh, and we've heard stories of fireworks, but apparently we are too young to go see them yet, mostly because it would mess with our bedtime and Mommy and Daddy have us on such a good sleep schedule they are loathe to mess with it.

Instead, Mommy and Daddy left us with Grandma, and they went and had a nice dinner at the Sandia Resort and Casino, to celebrate Mommy being out of her first trimester. I heard they got a mountain view, not a city view, so they didn't get to see the fireworks, but the whole time there was a huge electrical storm approaching and then right overhead...Mommy said the lightening was way cooler than fireworks. She also said we'll get to go see fireworks soon, probably next year...

So that was our 4th of July. It was pretty awesome.

Love,

Luke

Grace in Small Things, July 2, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

Here are some things that are good in my world:

1. It rained the past couple days. It smelled so good yesterday morning. Cannot tell you how much I miss rain. 

2. Grandma is decorating the kids' red wagon for the Forth-of-July parade that's apparently happening in our neighborhood (and that the kids can be in). My husband thinks we're ridiculous, but holidays are important. And love that Grandma is involved...she is so creative and it will be 10 times cooler because she's in charge.

3. Two trips planned to Colorado in the next two months (and one of them a full week off work). Absolutely cannot wait.

4. Loving Sissy's new pink Converse tennies. Trying to dress her cute and girly, but definitly want shoes she can run around and be a kid in, vs precious things she has to be careful with.

5. Bubs got up early from yesterday's afternoon nap. Nice to have occasional moments with just one baby...

XOXO

Image Credit: Target.