Good News From the Chiropractor

There were alpacas hanging out in a field on the way to my chiropractor appointment (his office is on the north side of town, which is more rural)...alpacas are sooooooo adorable.

So I went to the chiropractor that my yoga teacher recommended today...I told him (the chiropractor) I was feeling hugely depleted after the pregnancy/miscarriage, and wanted to be as healthy as possible for the upcoming FET. He did his assessment and then sat me down to talk with me.

"You know," he said. "You're pretty darn healthy already, and I don't usually say that to people."

That made me sooooooo happy to hear, because I've been trying soooooo hard.

Here are some other things he said to me: 

• That I am VERY sensitive to caffeine, and should avoid it completely...even the tiniest bit of chocolate every once in a while is off limits, which is really no big deal...I'm not a huge dessert person 
• He said usually he'll assess a person and give them dietary recommendations (eg, low carb, vegetarian), because their body is really sensitive to things. "You," he said, "Your body's not picky. Pretty much anything you want to eat, as long as it's healthy"
• He did say when I eat meat to make sure it's meat that's hormone-free
• And he asked me to eat as much kale, collard greens and broccoli as I can
• And to eat cold water fish (wild not farm-raised) 8 oz a week
• AND, he told me my body is sensitive to electromagnetic fields, so not to sit with a computer on my lap when we're doing the FET/if I get pregnant. Which is something I've thought about...I'm on the computer essentially all day for work and my preferred way to work is in a comfy chair with my laptop on my lap. When I was pregnant and spending a lot of time in bed, it would have been comfortable to rest my laptop on my belly, but I was very careful not to do that. I Googled it and couldn't find any studies/information showing laptops were harmful, but still felt uneasy about it. "Laptop on your desk, as far away from your uterus as possible," is what my chiropractor said, and even though it's outside my normal routine, what I'm going to try and do. 

Glad I went...good to hear some new ideas for healthy things for me to do, and it was so nice to go to someone and hear them say I'm doing pretty well health-wise...gives me a little boost of confidence that certainly doesn't hurt. :)

XO

{Image credit: Muffet}

Hysteroscopy Today...And Not the News I Wanted to Hear

Happy Friday, Everyone!

So my husband and I drove over to Denver and back today for a few procedures at the clinic...unbelievable the snow in the Colorado high country...a serious blizzard going on up there on the way home...crazy for late May.

Anyway, they did another ultrasound, which was fine, and then they did the hysteroscopy. I've been talking this week about how scared I was to have this done, because the last one I had was excruciatingly painful. I had a valium this time, and it pretty much didn't hurt at all...some mild cramping, but no big deal. Does a valium really make that much difference? Or was something not quite right about how the first one was done? (Same doctor both times.) There was a LOT of blood the first time, and nothing today, so I have to think the procedure itself had something to do with it. Anyway, I'm happy to report that a hysteroscopy doesn't have to be awful. Which is good, because I'm going to need another. Sigh.

What I wanted to hear the doctor say today was: "Yay! Everything looks perfect in there! Your FET is a go!"

Instead what he said was: "There's still something in your uterus." (He didn't quite say what...part of the baby still? I don't know.)

Anyway, the plan is to give me some sort of drug before my next period to help me expel whatever it is (major cramping will supposedly ensue), then to come back for another hysteroscopy, and if it's still not out they'll have to do another D&C. But they also want to keep moving forward with the July FET, and assume everything is going to be OK unless proven otherwise. That part is great news.

Not really upset about this new development...just kind of resigned overall at this point. 

We're staying home from our Vegas trip we were going to go on this coming week, to get everything sorted out, which is a bummer, but we'll go later in the summer.

Oh, and can I please have doctors quit telling me that I can't take baths or swim in a pool or have sex for X number of days or weeks? Every time I go to the doctor it feels like they do some procedure to me and then give me those instructions. So tired of the endless restrictions...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

XO

Getting Healthy for IVF

Wheat grass shots: my latest obsession.

Hi Everyone!

So I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to get as healthy as I can for my upcoming IVF procedure (FET in July). As many of you know, I've just recently come off being pregnant for three months, and after that I have just felt like my body was incredibly depleted (especially because I had such bad morning sickness and ate like crap for most of that time...well, it wasn't like I was eating Oreos 24/7, but bread and cheese and bean burritos were just about all I wanted. And popsicles. I had a huge aversion to vegetables, but my mom made me lots of vegetable soups, which I could stomach, so maybe I didn't do too bad).

The other thing is I gained about 15 pounds with my last round of IVF and the pregnancy. I've lost a little of it, but not nearly as much as I would like...would like to get back to as close to my normal weight as possible before starting all this up again, but that is secondary to getting my body healthy and strong.

I've been reading a book called The Fertile Female, which I'm not sure whether or not to recommend. I tried reading it about six months ago and couldn't get into it. Picked it up again after my miscarriage and am doing better with it, but still haven't finished it. But there is one piece of advice in there that I really like and have been thinking about a lot. The author says that there's no one-size-fits-all prescription for getting your body in the best place possible for a baby; rather, if you listen to your body and what feels right to you, you'll know what to do.

My big thing in trying to figure out what's important for me to incorporate and what's not has been time. I wish I didn't have a job and other obligations and could make getting healthy a full-time job...go see all sorts of alternative healing practitioners, go to yoga and hike every day, meditate, visualize, cook orgainc meals from scratch breakfast, lunch and dinner, etc. But working full time and with all the traveling I'm going to be doing, that's just not realistic. I only have so many hours a day I can devote to this, you know?

That said, here's what I'm making a priority:

Diet

• My big goal is to replenish my body, and key to that is eating as healthily as possible. Vegetables and fruits and meats, as much of it organic as possible. Eggs. When I do grains I'm trying to do whole grains.
• NO sugar, NO white flour, as few processed foods (eg foods that come in a box) as possible (well, I am allowing myself one small dessert once a week. That mini Blizzard I had last night was YUMMY)
• No caffeine (mostly because it's really painful for me to withdraw from it, so I figured since I was off it from being pregnant, I may as well stay off)
• A vegetable bag a day. They used to sell these at one of the delis down the street from my old office in San Francisco; now I make my own. Essentially what it is is when I go to the store I buy a ton of extra fruits and veggies, wash them all, and divide them evenly into 7 bags for the week. So in a given bag I may have an apple, a carrot or two, a handful of sugar snap peas, a handful of tomatoes, a few radishes, a pepper (which I cut up the day of), a piece of celery. The bags are different every week. I just snack on the vegetables raw. That way I know I'm getting enough of them
• Wheat grass shots. Supposed to be extremely nutritious and there's a little shop that makes them just a few minutes away. I figure they can't hurt
• A little bit of wine. I don't drink a lot, but a glass of wine with dinner is such a nice little luxury. I've been on the fence over whether to cut out alcohol completely...and I will do so as soon as my actual cycle starts, no question, but for now I've decided that the treat and relaxation benefits of a glass of wine win out 

 Exercise

• Bikram (hot) yoga is my major thing at the moment. I essentially did nothing but short easy walks the whole time I was pregnant, and it's so good to get my body feeling strong and flexible again. I'm trying to go 6 days a week, although I'm going to have to be flexible with the traveling we're doing and just do my best
• The other thing I'd love to do every day is hike...I think the cardio is so good for me (and will certainly help me lose the weight I'm trying to lose), and being out in the fresh air and sunshine I think is great for me as well. But I don't have time to hike AND do yoga every day, so my goal is two hikes a week (and good long ones when I go...1-2 hours each)

 Other

• I think massage is so healthy and relaxing for me, and have been trying to go once every other week
• There's a chiropractor that my yoga teacher recommended that I'd love to get to go see...
• I've been trying to meditate, even for just a few minutes every morning, but I'm so terrible about it. Need to keep trying...
• Generally trying to get enough sleep, spend time with friends and family, and relax and have fun and be happy. When I got pregnant this winter was shortly after an extended vacation, and I have the suspicion that being relaxed from that helped (and am trying to duplicate that feeling with some trips this summer). Also, I went to an acupuncturist last summer who told me the reason I wasn't getting pregnant is that I wasn't happy enough, and while I was really bothered by that assessment, it's still on my mind, and it doesn't hurt to try my best to be happy. I'm feeling a lot better (happier) than I was last summer overall, anyway, so maybe this summer's my time...

Would love to hear what others are doing (or skipping) along these lines...

XO

{Image credit: James Cridland.}

Tasks for a Rainy Day

My irises are blooming this week...aren't they lovely? We've had so many flowers this spring...A rainy Wednesday...we've had such a wet spring...but a good time to stay indoors and: 

1) Work--work is crazy right now...and we're traveling to Las Vegas Sunday for the week to see my mother-in-law, so trying to get ahead so I can have some fun while I'm there...

2) Schedule medical appointments--feeling much more on top of things than I was yesterday. Have pretty much everything I need done scheduled. My husband and I are driving to Denver and back Friday for testing (4 1/2 hours each way...bummer we have to do that). Oh, and by the way, the HSC I'm having done is the painful test I was afraid I was going to have to do, but I asked my nurse what they could do to help and they're going to give me a valium. My mom said ask for what you need, and I did, and I'm glad...thanks, Mom! :)

3) Schedule summer plans--we're going to be traveling an incredible amount between now and my FET...this is kind of my normal state of being (I can work from anywhere, which makes this possible) and it's WONDERFUL in that I'm going to get to go to so many places I love and see so many people I love, but on the other hand I'll be working and it's a little bit harder to work on the road, and a little hard for me to be away from home in general. I love to travel, and given a chance I will schedule trips like crazy, but I also love being at home and miss it when I'm gone.

Not TOO many logistics to plan, because a lot of this we're doing as road trips and staying with friends and/or camping, but there are still little details. And big details, like I'm going to need blood drawn and labs on the road, and have to figure out how to accomplish that.

Where we're going between now and July 22:

• Denver (just for the day, so not sure this even really counts)
• Las Vegas to visit my mother-in-law
• Colorado mountains to visit my brother
• Utah hiking and camping with my dad
• Humboldt County CA, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver, seeing a TON of friends
• Santa Barbara for a fabulous wedding, and to see more friends
• Denver for the transfer...yay!

It's going to be fun.

Feeling better and more organized as all the medical/travel logistics fall into place.

Hope everyone's having a good Wednesday. :)

XO

Ugh. More Testing. Will it Ever End?

First, the good news: I'm on the calendar for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) for July 22! Yay! That means my FET cycle will be starting June 8th, which is so soon. I'm excited! :)

And then, the bad news: A bunch of my tests that the fertility clinic wants have expired, and need to be redone. UGH! Can I just complain about this for a minute? How many doctor's visits and blood draws and medical interventions is one girl supposed to endure? I hate this. I hate the time I have to take to schedule everything, and to go to everything, and to get local stuff sent over to Denver (things always have to be faxed two or three times for some reason...it's never straightforward). I hate having to make an extra trip to Denver. I hate the expense of it all. I hate the mental energy it takes up. I hate getting my blood drawn because I have terrible veins and they always have to try several times and sometimes they can't get a vein at all and I have to go home and come back the next day. I know it's silly to be upset about this, but I just wanted to have a little stretch of time without all this. I'm a terrible patient. I'm so tired of all this. I'm trying to stay in a place where I've very grateful all this is possible, but right now I'm just sick, sick, sick of it. I'm just getting so worn down...and time to recover from it all, which is what I've been trying to do, is seriously interrupted if I'm at the doctor all the time again.

Here's what they want:

• HSC or sonohystogram (I'm praying this isn't what they did to me last year that hurt INCREDIBLY badly, but I think that it is)
• Ultrasound
• CBC
• Thyroid hormones
• Pap smear
• Physical exam
• Breast exam
• Mammogram
• Communicable disease testing

There's been so much of this...I can't imagine my life not revolving around doctor's offices and blood draws and tests. I'm trying to be brave. My BFF always says to me: "You're so brave, all you're going through with this," and it makes me feel really good when she says that. But I'm not feeling very brave today.

XO

Miscarriage: When Do You Start Feeling Better?

After the miscarriage, I stopped working on the baby sweater I'd been knitting and made this beach-y cotton cowl for myself. Love how it turned out, and it actually stayed cool enough to wear it a few times. :)

As of this past week, a month has gone by since we lost our tiny unborn baby. I was just days from being out of the first trimester when we found out...just about "safe" and so excited to tell everyone.

And it's funny, and surprising to me, there's not really a lingering sadness. The first couple weeks after it happened were awful, but since then...I don't know...it's just kind of gotten lumped into the ongoing drama of us trying to have a baby, which hurts, but I've been living with that particular hurt for so long I barely even notice it anymore. It feels funny to say this, and maybe I'm wrong, but it (the miscarriage) doesn't stand out as a part of this process that will continue to be hard down the road. Honestly, the two chemical pregnancies I had last year hurt just as much...but with those, there was really very minimal support...everyone, including my husband, didn't understand at all why I was so upset. So I kind of had to hide and be alone with my feelings there, which was hard. With the miscarriage, everyone around me was as upset as I was and was very supportive...I think maybe that's been why it hasn't been that hard to move forward...I grieved heavily and everyone around me was loving and helpful, and now I'm ready to look forward and move onto the next thing.

The other thing I think is interesting here and plays a role is: for months with the pregnancy I felt just terrible, and incredibly restricted. I had morning sickness pretty bad 24/7, and not being able to exercise is a big lifestyle change for me that's hard to deal with. And of course I am so, so happy to go through that again to be pregnant and have a baby, I don't mind AT ALL, but to go through months of that and wind up with nothing? Awful. And then to suddenly feel great physically after months of barely being able to drag myself out of bed, AND be allowed to go to yoga and on hard hikes and to take a hot bath and have a glass of wine if I want, etc...it's kind of been a relief to go back to my normal state for a short time (although please God let me be pregnant again in July and be totally restricted and sick all over again.)

Anyway, I just wanted to write little post about my experience with the miscarriage...that, while beyond awful at the time and for a few weeks after, I don't think it's going to be a long and lingering sadness. I'm sure having a plan to move forward and having embryos in the freezer helps with that too.

Others out there who have had this happen: did you feel the same way? Or was it harder for longer? I'm kind of surprised that it hasn't been worse for me.

Hope everyone is having a super-fun weekend!

XO

Genetic Testing Results: Turner Syndrome

Hey Everyone,

We got the results of our genetic testing from the miscarriage back last night. There was an abnormality with our baby, which was a girl. One of the X chromosomes was missing. This is apparently a common reason behind miscarriages, and is known as Turner syndrome.

I hate, hate, hate that we had to lose this baby, but I'm comforted by these results. There's a clear reason. It wasn't something I did and might do again without realizing it. And my (irrational, I know) fear that we killed a perfectly healthy baby by mistake can be put to rest. Also, Turner syndrome is not due to the age of the mother or father, and there's no reason to think it'll happen again...in other words, there's no reason to think the embryos we have in the freezer are compromised.

I complained a week or so ago about the genetic testing being done, but I totally take that back...having these results has given me a lot of peace of mind and hope for our next try. Also glad I now don't have to go through a bunch of new tests to see if something's wrong with me or my husband. Feeling good about moving forward. :)

XO

Regroup With My RE: What Happened With the Miscarriage?

So I had a long phone conversation with my RE today--the first one I've had--about what happened with the miscarriage (which you can read about {here} and {here}). 

First off, I am so, so happy to report that it looks like we will be getting some help from our insurance in terms of the tests etc. from this point forward. Apparently I have moved from an "infertility" diagnosis to a "recurrent pregnancy loss" diagnosis, and insurance generally covers the latter. It's silly, but somehow the fact that my insurance is willing to pay for some of this (hopefully) makes me feel less invisible and less alone. I'm so used to paying out-of-pocket for 100% of everything...I don't know...it just feels like now somebody cares about what is happening to me vs saying "this isn't a medical issue, deal with it yourself."

It seems like the big question my RE is asking is: Was it my body that caused this, or a genetic abnormality in the baby? The genetics aren't back yet (although I'm understanding more why it's good to have them...and the fact I don't have to pay for them [probably] makes me feel better about the fact they were done). My RE said if there IS an abnormality on the test, we don't need to do anything else except try again. (He also said the timing of my miscarriage [he called it "late"] is unusual if it's due to a genetic abnormality). If there is NOT an abnormality on the test, it could mean 1) there actually was one and the test couldn't pick it up (because the baby had been dead in my body for weeks), OR, 2) that it's me. In which case he wants to do a bunch of tests to rule out autoimmune/blood clotting issues (that apparently can be managed with medication if I have them). He also wants to do a genetic test on my husband that I guess they did for me at some point but not for him.

Anyway, all this just gets more and more complicated. Since the phone call I've kind of lost the zen I've had for the past week or so where I've just been focusing on nutrition and visualization and yoga etc...you know, stuff you can control. All this medical stuff has always felt pretty overwhelming to me...don't know how to relax more about it....need to figure out a way. 

I guess we'll just be taking this next part step by step. Grateful there are still options and that my doctor's trying to get to the bottom of all this...

The Little Things...They Add Up

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I've been thinking a lot about the things I can do to get as healthy and happy and ready for what I hope will be our next (and finally, finally successful) pregnancy this summer. Something I read over the weekend in a book called {The Fertile Female} has really stayed with me. It's this: 

A snowflake weighs next to nothing. But if too much snow accumulates on a tree branch, the branch will break. In other words, all the little things I can do in and of themselves may not do much, but it is the cumulative effect of everything that will (hopefully) bring me the desired outcome.

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XO

Image Credit: {lucysnowephotography} via Etsy.

A Letter to My Brother, Six Years After His Death

How cool is it when your brother's in the band? A picture from one of his many shows...

Dear Luke,

Six years. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in others, that life I had with you seems so far in the past it’s almost as if it never happened. I hope you’re OK and that this hasn’t been as horrible and traumatic for you as it’s been for me.

Would you be surprised by the life I’m living? I had to leave our house in Santa Barbara, and all of California, behind. There just wasn’t the joy there without you. I never really surfed again after you died, which has been such a huge loss (although I brought three of the surfboards with me when I left, including the one with the panther on the nose that was yours but you always let me ride)…I’ve never been happier than early mornings in the surf with you. Once I stopped surfing, there wasn’t a good reason to stay. And I was seeing my now-husband (he had been working your old job up in Alaska, which is how we met)…he had moved to Seattle and I was so sad and lonely in the house you and I had shared…I thought maybe it would be better to go. I made the right decision to go be with my husband, but I’m still not sure if leaving California was the right thing. It’s hard to know if I miss IT, or I miss the life I had there that no longer exists. Would I be happy going back? I don’t know.

I lived in Seattle with my soon-to-be husband for six months…but it was winter and so grey and I was so sad…my husband thought I might do better closer to mom and dad, and so that’s how we ended up back in Colorado.

I’m married now, as you can tell. I work a lot less. I have your dog Dexter…I think he still misses you. I snowboard instead of surf (and sometimes when I’m out alone I sit on the side of a run and cry, I want you there with me so bad.)

My husband’s great…you would love him. We’re trying to have a baby, but that’s not going so well. I keep thinking a birth, some life, some pure joy would help me not to hurt so bad from your death and the loss of that whole happy life as a California surfer girl…I mean, I want to have a baby for so many more reasons than that, but I can’t help thinking having something happy to share with people instead of being the one who’s had to bear so many hardships…

I like to think of you in some happy and peaceful place, with a Jeep and my dog Shaye who died the year before you did, she’s hanging out on the beach while you surf the perfect waves and you don’t have to struggle anymore…you don’t have to deal with all the heartbreak you dealt with in this life, all the trying to figure things out and how are you going to find a girl to love and are you going to be an architect or stay the free spirit who can’t resist heading up to Alaska every time spring comes around. You don’t have to deal with disappointments and you don’t have to be sad when people you love die and you get to be the golden 27-year-old who did exactly what he wanted to do with this life—you’ll be that man forever.

I felt for a long time that when you died, I died too. I don’t feel that way anymore. There’s my husband now, and mom and dad and our brother, and I have such amazing friends and I’m trying to figure out something good to do with all the many years I probably have left. I do know life will never be the same without you. I’m glad it was you and not me, that you haven’t had to go through what we all have since you died (although I’m sure you would have done it with much more grace and poise than I). I’m not afraid to die, because it means I’ll get to be with you.

I love you, and please come visit me like you visit other people. I haven’t had a single sign that you’re in some way still here.

With love beyond measure,

Kristen

Follow-Up With My OB, And Should I Hold Out Any Hope of Getting Pregnant on Our Own?

D&C follow-up appointment with my new OB today. Really like my new doctor, she just has a very kind way about her.

Not much to report, which is a good thing. I'm still bleeding a little 2 weeks post-procedure, which she says is normal. She says I should get my period 2 to 4 weeks after the procedure, so sometime in the next 2 weeks. I am FINALLY allowed to have sex and hot baths again...yay!

My doctor also told me it would be fine (no danger to a new baby so soon after miscarriage) if I got pregnant between now and when we do the FET (which we think will be July). And told me the story of a patient of hers who tried for 11 years to get pregnant and had 2 failed IVFs and then got pregnant TWICE naturally. I hear stories like this all the time. A dear friend of mine actually had this happen...9 years of trying, a successful IVF, and then after she got pregnant naturally. 

So of course a little part of me wants to get my hopes up. It's so hard to have that hope, though, because it means I'll be disappointed when my period comes. So much easier just to assume it won't happen and not try and just plan for the FET...then I don't have to deal with the disappointment/letdown. Plus my husband needs a break from all this...no way are we going to be timing things etc. over the next few months. It's hard to know where to land here.

Oh, and yay...I've lost 6.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks (I've been trying hard, too, really watching what I eat and exercising). That's the baby weight...now I just need to lose the 10 pounds I gained from the IVF drugs and I'll be happy. I didn't really mind gaining the weight when there was a baby involved, but after the miscarriage I hate it, hate it, hate it. 

There should be more information when we meet with our RE next Friday...

Genetic Testing: The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

Really, how can you be sad when you come across cute little dogs in the nursery?

As most of you know, two weeks ago we found out that my pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. A phone conversation with my RE's office about an hour later:

Me: "What do you guys need from my local OB?"

Them: "The notes in your chart. The ultrasound. And if you can get genetic testing done, we want the results."

So the next day when I went in for the D&C, I had a list for my OB of what my RE wanted, including genetic testing if possible. 

We got the bill for genetic testing yesterday. Almost $3,000.00. Crap.

So here's the deal: I take responsibility for not asking why they needed genetic testing done and/or asking how much it would cost. But come on, I was grieving heavily, how can I be expected to think this through and ask all the right questions at a time like that? I don't understand why genetic testing was necessary. This was my first miscarriage. I don't even want to know the answers to genetic testing. I think it's going to make all this hurt worse to know if it's a boy or a girl. And if there was a genetic abnormality, I think that will be comforting in a way, because then the miscarriage was "nature's way of taking care of things." But if the baby was perfectly normal, what does that mean? I think it's going to make me scared to try again. I don't know, maybe there's a good reason to have genetic testing done that I'm missing, but right now I'm just pissed about the cost, and that I wasn't asked if I wanted to do it, I was just told to get it done if I could. 

And then I start thinking about how we're going to pay for it (if insurance doesn't cover it, which I'm praying they will). I can work more hours to get the money, but I'm so sick of working like crazy to get money to do fertility treatments that fail. And this is on top of all the other bills for this pregnancy (meeting my insurance's high deductible, all the blood draws for my RE that aren't covered by insurance), and we also need to get the money together for the FET this summer. Ugh. We can do it, but there is so much more I'd rather spend the money on (plus I don't want to work the extra hours needed to get the money).

And then I start thinking about how hard fertility treatments are to go through and how scared I am of our next round of this not working and what happens if in the end we can never have a family...ugh...just going to the darkest place imaginable.

And THEN, I have been having a terrible time working. I'm just now getting to the end of Monday's "TO DO" list on Tuesday afternoon. One of the things I do for work is put together websites, and we have a big presentation tomorrow and a website that doesn't have a headline...I called my Art Director (who's also a close friend) in tears earlier, I was so frustrated with my inability to write anything remotely usable. She talked me off the ledge and sent me thinking in a different direction and I finally, finally got it done. And then my mom brought me lunch and listened to me talk about my fears and took me to the nursery to buy some flowers for my garden this summer. This is all after my husband had me crawl back in bed with him early this morning and held me while I cried.

So the point of this long, rambling post is: I am just barely holding on, and something like a genetic testing bill can totally send me over the edge. But there are people to pull me back. And what do you do but tell the people you need that you need them, and then just try to keep soldiering on?

XO

What If They Were Wrong?

I put away the baby sweater I was working on and started knitting this happy rainbow-y cotton cowl instead. Although it’s probably going to be too warm to wear it by the time I finish. Another little story about people being nice…my next door neighbor and I are in the same Saturday knitting group, and my colored thread was getting all tangled…she put aside what she was doing to help me untangle it and wrap it around cup warmers. Such a little gesture but so sweet and so nice.

All kinds of crazy thoughts going on in my mind this week (reference Tuesday’s post), and today it is: what if my new OB was wrong about the baby being dead? I mean, I know that’s not really a possibility, and it’s nothing personal with my new OB, because I trust her and don’t have any reason in the world to doubt her competence. It’s not about her, it’s just…what if there were a mistake? I felt this way when we went home after her telling us the baby had died. And I asked her right before they started drugging me for the D&C.

“There’s no way you could be wrong, is there?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “Unfortunately it’s a very clear diagnosis. There’s no question.”

So why do I have this nagging fear that with the D&C we killed a perfectly good baby by mistake? Is this the denial phase of grief or something? But it’s not really denial because I know the baby’s gone. Ugh, can all these crazy thoughts just go away? What’s going on with me?

Does Anything Good Come Out of All This?

My dad brought us daisies the day of the D&C...he brought me daisies when I was sick when I was little, so they have a really personal meaning. And my mom brought us this lovely little ceramic angel.

When my brother died, something a lot of people told me was you have to look for the good that came out of the situation. Like they would say, "If your brother hadn't died, you never would have met your husband," (which is a story for another post). I personally believe I would have met my husband anyway, but that's beside the point. Or they would say: "Think of how this has made you a stronger and more compassionate person." Well, I'm sorry, but nothing you gain is worth a person you love so much being killed at age 27. Nothing. Nothing made me madder than that comment.

And although I haven't heard that yet with the death of our unborn baby, I've been thinking about it a lot, for some reason. And while I'm still going to maintain that no good comes out of this situation, if I try to understand what the people who say this mean, I think it would be something like this:

People can be so kind, and you really don't always get to see that in day-to-day life. But you do see it when something bad happens. Like with my parents bringing us gifts last week and saying, "Let us know what you need, we're here for you." My friends listening to me cry and calling and texting to check up on me. My work and my husband's school making allowances for us. The kindness of the doctors and nurses the day we had the D&C. The love and support from everyone in blog-land. And back with what happened to my brother, all the people who helped the best they knew how--his best friends who moved in with me so I wouldn't have to live those first few months alone (my brother and I had lived together). My husband who I'd just met making sure I got the help that I needed. The 17-year-old who lived with me over the next year (another story for another blog post) helping me heal in his kind and gentle way. Etc.

Bad things remind me of the good in the world. Is it worth what you have to lose to find this out? No. But it is a nice thing to know.

PS. My brother seems to be sneaking into a lot of my posts lately. The anniversary of his death is next week, and right now he's pretty constantly on my mind...

Did My OB Take My Baby?

The "bleeding heart" blooming in my yard. Always makes me think of my brother who died...and now my baby, too.

So will you guys let me get all weird and metaphysical today? Just for this post, I promise...

As I wrote about a few weeks ago, my OB recently committed suicide. And my baby died at essentially the same time. And I'd just seen my OB and had an ultrasound and talked about the baby a few days before.

So here's what keeps running through my mind, and it's really upsetting me. What if when my OB left this world, she took my baby with her? I don't mean it like my OB did it intentionally, I don't think of it like that, I just think maybe there was a connection between her and my baby and if she couldn't stay, maybe my baby couldn't stay either. So if my OB hadn't taken her life, my baby would be OK.

Weird, I know. But the only time I've cried really hard about this (there's been lots and lots of kind of normal sobbing, but only one big freak-out)...anyway, the time I've gotten really, really upset about what's happened is when I've been thinking about this.

I sound like a crazy person today, but just had to put this out there.

Thanks for humoring me.

xo

"It Could Be Worse"

Got outside to work in our yard this weekend. Flowers blooming like crazy. It's good to get out...I've been so cooped up all winter. My mom was over the other day and said, "Wow, are you ever pale." Good to be out in the sunshine again.

My husband to me over the weekend: "How are you doing?" (A question we've been asking each other multiple times a day since we found out our baby had died.)

Me: "OK. You?"

Him: "OK." Pause. "It could be worse, you know."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "If the scale of bad is 1 to 100, with 100 being the worst, I figure this is about an 80."

Me: "Yeah, it feels about like an 80 to me too." Pause. "What would be 100? You dying? Me dying?"

Him: "Anyone we love dying."

Still feeling pretty raw a week after everything went down. Dealing with a lot of money stuff today as bills for the pregnancy have started coming in (I have a high-deductable health insurance plan so we're paying the first few thousand out-of-pocket), and we've talked with the clinic about the price for an FET (expensive, not as much as IVF, but still a lot of money we weren't expecting to have to spend.)

Just trying to keep telling myself, "It could be worse."

FAQ Fridays: Missed Miscarriage: What Happened?

Q: What is a missed miscarriage?

A: It's where the baby dies, but your body doesn't recognize that that's happened so it doesn't expel the baby like with a "normal" miscarriage. Apparently, it's very rare.

Q: What happened with your pregnancy?

A: I had a positive beta on February 17, which rose nicely on February 19. I had an ultrasound where they saw the heartbeat and the baby measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days (March 7) and another at 8 weeks 6 days (March 22). Went back to my OB at 11 weeks 5 days (April 11) and they told us the baby had died right after the last ultrasound, so somewhere in the 9^th week.

Q: Did you have any clue something was wrong?

A:  At 11 weeks 1 day (April 6) I had a tiny bit of bright red bleeding. My RE asked that my hormone levels be checked, and they were very low. They upped the medication and told me everything was fine, not to worry, there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping if something was wrong. My local OB said the same thing and that I didn’t need to be looked at…they’d just see me in a few days at my appointment. So with all that reassurance and the fact that I still felt so pregnant (nausea, exhaustion, etc.), I didn’t really worry. Maybe I knew though and was just trying to stay positive and not scare people around me (my husband, our families). I really wouldn’t let the thought that something might be wrong into my head.

Then on April 11, right before my appointment, I had my blood drawn and got the levels back. Still low, which made me really scared. And then my OB tried to find a heartbeat and couldn’t, and then looked on the ultrasound and told us.

Q: What did you do?

A: Went home and cried. Scheduled a D&C for the next day. Called my RE’s office, and they didn’t really have any explanation for what went wrong; neither did my OB. “These things happen,” is essentially what we’ve been told. 

Q: How was the D&C?

A: Awful, of course, but everyone was really kind, and it didn’t hurt other than getting the IV in. I don’t really remember it to be honest. After, my husband sat with me while I was monitored for about an hour, and when we got up to leave he hugged me and said, “We’ll never be in this room again.” It was such a sweet thing to say to me.

Mild cramping that day and the next. Pretty severe cramping that came in waves 2 days post-procedure. Feeling pretty OK today so far.

Q: How have you been since?

A: Beyond sad. Heartbroken. This is a really horrible thing to have to go through.

Q: Have you gone back to work?

A: I work at home, and have done a few hours here and there, but not much this week. Haven't been able to concentrate. My husband took the week off school.

Q: Were there a lot of people you had to tell?

A: Our parents knew we were expecting and are so sad as well, of course. We’d also told a handful of friends about the pregnancy, and they have all been really caring and loving and supportive about the miscarriage. One person where I work and my husband’s professors at school knew…they have all been wonderful, as well. We’ve gotten a ton of love and support this week, for which I am grateful. I’m also glad we didn’t tell more people than we did about the pregnancy so there aren’t a ton of people we have to explain this to. We were going to start spreading the news next week…so heartbroken we don’t get to do that.

Q: Do you know what’s next?

A: We’ll do a regroup with our RE, try to get a better understanding of what happened. We have frozen embryos--a fact that I am so, so, so, so grateful for--and we will do an FET as soon as they’ll let us…looking like July at this point. Pray that things work next time around.

Ugh, what an awful, awful week. So glad it’s almost over.

Miscarriage: Packing Up the Reminders

Just feeling wretched today. It’s three days after the miscarriage (or at least when we found out about it), and I’m trying to pack up the reminders, to put away anything baby-related. The ultrasound pictures are the hardest. The “congratulations you’re pregnant” bag my OB’s office gave me a couple weeks ago with formula samples, bottles, diaper rash cream samples, etc. The knitting book of baby clothes and what’s left of the baby sweater I was working on until my dog chewed it up. My list of what not to eat while pregnant. The baby name book. The list of baby stuff we wanted to start getting after the first trimester was over (which would have been next week) that my husband and I made at lunch on Monday, right before we went to our OB appointment and found out that our baby had died. The yellow-and-white baby blanket we received in the mail from my mother-in-law the same day. This sucks.

I’m feeling really sad today about the fact I’m not going to be pregnant this summer. And that we’re not going to have a baby in October…I was really excited about the fact that the due date was right around my dad and grandfather’s birthdays (they have the same birthday) and my mom’s birthday and my brother who died. It would have been so cool for the baby to share a birthday with one of them. We’re looking at a winter pregnancy and a spring baby now, assuming (and this is a big assumption) that all goes perfectly next time around.

And speaking of next time around, the fact that it might not work is killing me. The fact that there’s going to be no joy or hopefulness or excitement in the first trimester is so sad to me, that it’s just going to be this terrifying black tunnel we hope and pray we make it out of. I can’t imagine not getting pregnant. I can’t imagine getting pregnant and then 3 months of being scared every single day that my baby may be dead. And if I’m as sick as I was this time on top of it, ugh, it just sounds like the worst torture imaginable. I know I’ll probably feel better about everything in a couple of months. I don’t have to do it today. It’s going to be manageable and obviously, I’ll go through any sort of trauma I have to to be able to have a baby.

Just feeling really beat down and exhausted by this whole process today. But like I was saying yesterday, I know I just need to get through today, try not to worry about the future.

I am just so, so, so sad, and there’s no way to make the sadness go away. I just have to sit with it and it’s so very painful. I’m tired of being in pain. When is it going to be my turn to have happy things happen? I don’t expect my whole life to be happy, but there’s got to be some good things that get mixed in with the bad, right? There have got to be more happy days for me somewhere down the road. Or is life just going to continue to be one horrible thing I have to deal with after the other? I need a break from the bad, please, God. I need something good to happen. It’s been 8 years of one trauma after another in my life, and 5 years of month after month after month of heartbreak with this infertility thing. I feel like I’m reaching the end of what I can possibly bear.

Dealing With Miscarriage, Day By Day

First of all, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who's been reading and--especially--commenting. Your presence and support really mean so, so much to me right now as I deal with the awfulness that is this week.

Today's been OK. Tried to work, which went OK, although it wasn't the most productive day on record. I work at home, so my day went something like this:

Answer emails and voicemails.

Go lie down in bed with my husband and cry.

Get everything in order for a regulatory review.

Talk with a friend who's called and cry.

Get on a conference call.

Go downstairs and sit with my husband and cry.

Etc.

My husband's in school, and they've been so nice to him...told him to take the rest of the week off. I'm probably not going to work much more this week either.

I slept through the night last night maybe for the first time since I started the IVF meds back in December. Yay for small victories! And physically I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I've been trying not to complain, but really, I've spent a good part of the past two months in bed dealing with a LOT of nausea and exhaustion. Today I'm up and alert and don't feel sick (although there's some residual cramping from the D&C, but it's minor). I forgot what it's like to feel like this...didn't realize what a fog I was in with this pregnancy.

Overall, today's been better than yesterday, which is all you can really hope for. I'm so glad my husband and I have such light schedules between now and Monday, and can really spend some time together. I just want to be with him. Having him with me and knowing how much he loves me and how he wants to try for another baby as soon as we can (and we have frozen embryos from this last IVF--I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for that) is what's saving me right now. That and not thinking beyond today. My mantra has been:

"Just get through today."

Thinking about what's next and pregnant again and maybe more losses and what if this never happens for us what are we going to do then is just way too overwhelming.

But I'm going to make it through today.

D&C Today

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.

First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."

I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.

I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.

I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.

Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.

My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart. 

Friends and family have been wonderful.

I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).

I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.

Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.

And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).

Why why why why why why why????