Luke's Diary: Four Months

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

It's my turn to tell you about all that's been happening!

Well, first of all, it's summer, and Sissy and I have been spending LOTS of time outside. (But in the shade, of course. Mommy says we're not ready for sun yet.) Here we are on the lawn at Grandma and Grandpa's, one of our favorite places:

Here's our boxer, Newton. He's always looking out for us. Mommy tries to keep him from licking our faces, but I don't really mind.

Here's Grandpa Steve! We love Grandpa Steve!

And here's Grandpa Steve playing airplane with Sissy. We both really like airplane:

Uncle Ben was over visiting us, too. We love seeing Uncle Ben!

We're doing a bedtime routine that involves baths now, but earlier in the month we were sometimes taking baths in the morning over at Grandma and Grandpa's. They have a nice big tub where we would take baths together. We love to kick and splash!

Here's me and Sissy on a blanket that used to be our Mama's when she was a baby:

You know what's the coolest thing? FEET! I just discovered mine, and nothing else is as entertaining:

Sissy's more about her hands. Sometimes she gets me when she's waving them around, but I know she doesn't mean anything bad...it's just her way of saying hi!

And here's our Mama holding us. She went back to work about a month ago (but only part-time, she wants me to tell you), so we don't get to play with her 24/7 anymore, but she's still with us a lot. She takes breaks if we need her. And the weekends are really special now, because we get to spend all day together.

Mama tries to get us tummy time every day:

Me and Sissy, we're both rolling over...here's Sissy caught in the act!

Mommy and Daddy have been taking us to lots of outdoor music. Here I am with Grandma Peggy at the Samples, which is a band Mama used to see when she was in college. This was our fourth outdoor concert!

And here's Sissy with Daddy that same night:

Isn't Daddy's hat cool? Mommy says I need to be sitting up before I can have a hat like that.

Speaking of Daddy, he's taking care of us the part of the day when Mommy is working. We loooooove our Daddy! You know how a lot of kids are really bonded to their mothers? Me and Sissy, we're pretty much bonded to Mommy and Daddy equally, because they both spend so much time with us. Mommy says we're super lucky it's like this.

Daddy is so fun! His new game is Bongo Drums, where he lays Sissy and I side by side and then plays the drums on our tummies. Sissy smiles big smiles for him, but I'm the one who laughs and laughs. The other day, I was laughing so hard Mommy had to leave her office and come into the bedroom to see what was up. We let her sit and play with us for a while. Daddy's also really good at airplane, and of course making us dance. And he's been playing Unicorn with Sissy, where he licks the back of a pacifier and sticks it to her forhead. It's hil-arious.

Like I said, Sissy and I are getting baths every evening these days. We like our baths (most days). After baths we get baby lotion massages, and then we eat, and then Mommy sits with us and we say thank you for all the good things that happened during the day, and then sometimes she sings us a song, and then we go to bed. We've been pretty good about going to bed at a decent time; Mommy says the routine is good for us. Sometimes I don't want to do a routine, though, and those times Mommy and Daddy let me hang out with them until I get tired.

While GOING to sleep is going well, STAYING asleep is not guarenteed. Daddy says we heard the Beastie Boys singing 'No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn' and we took it to heart.

Mornings are our time with Mommy. Sometimes we go for a walk, sometimes we go downtown and get coffee or breakfast, but sometimes, especially lately, we just hang out in the bedroom while Daddy gets a little sleep in the guest room downstairs (he's tired because he stays up with us lots of nights so Mommy can get some sleep so she can concentrate at work).

We nap sometimes, and eat, and Mommy plays music for us so we can dance (this morning it was Katy Perry), and we read stories and play with toys. We are really starting to get interested in toys. This is Squidly, and he rattles and makes crackle noises. Sissy has a pink-and-gray stuffed mouse named Pinky, but she still takes Squidly from me sometimes. The other day she did it and I cried. I know she isn't doing it to be mean....her hands just run into Squidly and get tangled up. Still, I wanted Squidly back.

So that's what's been going on. We are having the best, best, best time...happiest babies ever.

Love,

Luke

Three Months

Two Months

One Month

Updates, Updates, Updates

Table of Contents:

• Breastfeeding
• Sleeping
• Postpartum
• Work
• Moving

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Today I wanted to update you all on a bunch of stuff I've been writing about over the past few months:

Breastfeeding

Those of you who've been reading a while know breastfeeding has been a real challenge. Also something I'm really committed to doing. In the beginning I wasn't making near enough milk, and it was also very painful. I was breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula.

Then, I went to pumping 8 time/day, still supplementing with formula.

Then, I tried to work back in actual feedings, all the while making sure I was feeding or pumping 8 times/day, including once at 3 AM, also keeping very careful records to make sure each twin got fed the same amount of breast milk. Plus I was taking all sorts of supplements to help with milk production.

And now...well, the supplements have stopped (I hate taking pills, and it's a relief not to have to do so). The record keeping has stopped, which is also a relief. The 8 times/day rule has stopped. And the pumping for the most part has stopped.

These days, I'm feeding whoever's hungry, trying to make it even, supplementing with formula when needed (most feedings). And while formula is still needed, I'm making a lot more milk than I was (I think)...when I pump sometimes I get up to 5 or 6 ounces total (at the very least 2), whereas 4 used to be my absolute max, and there were many, many sessions where I only got half an ounce or less. 

One thing I AM still doing, is a middle-of-the-night feed or pump (setting my alarm for 3 AM to make that happen).

Anyway, the kids are still getting breastfed, but in a much more relaxed way. It feels right to us. It finally feels natural, after sooooooooo much effort. I'm just kind of letting it be what it will be at this point, vs trying to force my body to do what I want it to do.

Sleeping

Ah, sleep. Still elusive, although my husband is doing a lot of the night shift, which helps tremendously (thanks, Jeff!). Still, I'm in a perpetual state of tiredness...part of being a new mom, though, you know?

We're trying to figure out a nap/bedtime routine, and right now here's where we're at:

Waking 7 AMish plus or minus.

Trying for a short nap around 9 AM (may or may not happen).

Trying for another nap around 1 PM (may or may not happen).

Bedtime routine starting around 6 PMish (having this routine has been so great...kids usually go right to sleep): bath, feed, story, talking about all the things we're grateful for in our day, bed by 7 PMish.

"Dream feed" around 10 PM.

Kids are up once or twice each during the night to eat.

I've been experimenting with taking one of the kids to bed with me, either when I go to bed, or when one wakes up and needs to be fed. (My husband watches the other one through the night.) Jury's still out on how that's going. I'm more rested without doing it and instead letting my husband take the night shift with both kids. But I like that individual time with each kid. We'll see how it all pans out.

Postpartum

After losing a TON of weight the first 6 weeks after the kids were born, the rest of the weight I have to lose is coming off sooooooo slowly. I'm walking with the kids, hiking once a week, going to yoga once or twice a week, eating well...I am losing weight but just at a glacial pace. I am still having the occasional treat and could cut that out, and I guess I could eat smaller portions, and maybe go on longer walks with the kids, but I'm already doing a lot/doing the right things and it's frustrating to be losing the weight so slowly. I'm still 12 lbs from my 140 lb goal.

I hesitate to blame it on breastfeeding, but I've heard it can be hard to lose the last 10 lbs while breastfeeding.

In other postpartum news, my linea negra is almost gone, I am losing tons and tons of hair (annoying...it's all over me and the babies), and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to wear a bikini again, but reserving judgement on that until I lose the rest of the weight (fingers crossed!) I'm getting a lot stronger and in a lot better shape. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my Achilles tendons were hurting a lot after the babies were born, and they seem to be getting back to normal. Also the bruising on my feet I had at the end of my pregnancy seems to be going away.

Work

Work's going pretty well. Working from home is such a blessing. The eventual goal is for me to work 4 hours/day, but right now I'm doing more like 5 or 6 to make ends meet while my husband is job hunting. I've tried lots of different things, and still experimenting, but what seems to be working is me getting up early with the babies and letting my husband sleep after the night shift, handing babies over to him at 11 or so and then working in the afternoon, with breaks for breastfeeding as needed. Occasionally I'll work with a baby in my lap, but I can generally concentrate much better if I go alone to my home office and close the door.

Moving

My husband's still job hunting, but it's going well. We should hear back soon about Virginia (DC area), and he's got an interview this week for a job in Albuquerque (which I am inordinately excited about. Don't know why I'm so excited about Albuquerque, except it's in the West [I would love to stay in the West], is a day's drive from my family, it's pretty cheap to live there, and, I don't know, there's something really beautiful and cool about New Mexico.) There's a possible job in Seattle that's come up (if I have to leave Colorado, I would love, love, love to be in Seattle), and a few things in Denver. The job in LA that my husband was interviewing for doesn't look like it's going to happen. LA would have been great, but it's so expensive...

So basically, everything's still up in the air, with the most likely moves at this juncture Viriginia or Albuquerque. For now I'm just trying to enjoy every day we have here, and spend as much time as I can with my parents, and not worry about the future because we have no idea what's going to happen.

So that's the udpate. All's well, still trying to figure a number of things out, just taking everything day by day.

XOXO

Sleeping Through the Night(!), And Where We Are With Sleeping Arrangements

Hi Everyone!

Happy Friday!

Hope you all have a fun weekend planned. We're having a family reunion...the twins' "coming out party," as my mother says. So excited!

I've been single parenting it over here, as my husband is away for three days interviewing. (Although I'm spending most of the time at my mom and dad's, so it's not like I'm really going it alone.) I AM spending the nights alone at our house, though, and last night, Luke slept from 10:30 PM to 6 AM! Through the night! Hallelujah! And Zoey slept an 8-hour stretch earlier in the week for my husband...granted, it was 5 PM to 1 AM, but still...

I've been taking the babies to bed with me sometimes in the middle of the night, and that seems to work great. (My husband's been napping with them, too.) We've been reluctant to have them in the bed for safety reasons (we don't want to roll over on them accidentally and smother them), but now that we've been doing it a little, it doesn't feel unsafe. And they're happy, I'm happy, everyone gets more sleep, nursing them is so easy and nice (I don't even have to sit up), vs getting up bleary-eyed and feeding them bottles, which is not nearly as nice...

We'll see how the whole sleeping arrangements thing shakes out...still too soon to tell. But, anyway, I am soooooooo encouraged by the fact that they're sleeping longer stretches. Turns out these babies are not going to be the only ones in the history of babies who don't sleep through the night. :)

Thanks for spending some time here this week. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. 

XOXO 

First Week Back at Work After Maternity Leave (Including Some Thoughts on Attachment Parenting and the Mortgage Crisis)

Hi Everyone!

So last week was my first week back at work after three months of maternity leave, and, all in all, it wasn't that bad. I've been freelancing (advertising copywriting/creative direction, mostly in the digital arena) for 10 years now, and although I used to travel quite a bit for work, I can do what I'm doing from home. The goal moving forward is for me to work part time, so I still have lots of time with the kids. 

Eventually, my mother-in-law is going to help us with the kids while I work (she'll move where we move), but right now I'm patching things together with help from my husband (although he's with the kids all night, so I need to let him sleep some during the day), my mom (thanks, Mom!) and having the babies with me. Some thoughts on how things are going:

• The Sunday before I went back I didn't sleep, as I was so nervous about not being with the kids 24/7, but like with most everything, my fears were unfounded
• I feel like I'm working all day, as I try to squeeze little bits of work in when the kids are napping or happily hanging out
• The big challenge is conference calls, especially those where I need to be taking a lot of notes or when I am leading the call. My full attention must be on the call in these instances, so I need to have backup for the kids
• Some conference calls I do are more listening calls, and those seem doable with a kid on my lap or nursing
• Writing, especially things that take a lot of thinking but not many words, also seems doable with a kid on my lap
• The way I work...a lot of times I read things out loud to see if I need to make adjustments, and when that happens I'll read to the kids like it's a story, even though it's some sort of corporate messaging 
• I am soooooooo glad I get to work from home...so incredibly thankful. At the same time, I so wish I could just be with the kids, but me working part time makes so much financial sense...hard to let it go. We're going to make it work. It's going to be just fine 

And in related news, of course I end up reading Dr. Sears' book about attachment parenting just as I'm returning to work. (I read whatever baby books are given to me, so my reading list is very random vs things I've sought out.)

I have to say, the whole attachment parenting thing is really resonating with me. It is also hugely guilt inducing for someone with twins. Attachment parenting in a nutshell as far as I can tell means having your baby with you 24/7 (when not directly interacting wearing in a sling or sleeping with your baby)...even taking work out of the equation, that's absolutely impossible with twins. And when you add work in...as much as I'm trying to have one or the other twin on my lap...I can't live up to the ideal, no way.

Also related...we had a realtor stop by today to talk about the possibility of selling our house (still haven't completely given up hope of staying in the area, but there just aren't that many jobs here for my husband, and it's an important piece of the puzzle to have him working).

Anyway, we bought in 2007 at the top of the market, and five years later all the money we have into the house is gone. And honestly, I knew the mortgage crisis was going on around me, and friends have been affected, but I guess I've been in denial about this up until now. We can't sell our house without a huge loss, which makes no sense. So we'll keep it and rent it. Which means we probably can't buy another one, which makes me sad, although in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal...everyone I care about is healthy and happy and that's all that matters. But I also feel like...I've worked really hard, gone to school, paid my bills, saved money, pretty much done everything right and what do I have to show for it? A house where our BIG down payment has just *poof* disappeared...I mean, maybe I would have been better off not working so hard. And/or blowing all that money on, I don't know, traveling around the world or something. The American Dream right now is just kind of feeling like a big fat lie.

Anyway, in sum:

• Work: Not so bad
• Attachment parenting: Like it in theory, but how the heck are you supposed to make it work with twins and a part-time stay-at-home job?
• The fact that our house is worth a ridiculously low number: Sucks and makes me not want to try, especially since I'm already ambivalent about going back to work. Why work if all you earn just disappears?

Thoughts?

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Three Months

Hi Hi Hi!!!

Here I am, because Mommy said I could tell you all about the past month! So much has happened!

My brother and I, we're laughing and smiling and cooing all the time. And I even have started to roll over. And Bubs (that's what I call my brother) is not very far behind!

We're doing all sorts of new things, like sitting in the bouncy chair:

And the Bumbo...we like our Bumbos, but just for short periods of time:

Our coffee table has wheels and is round, and sometimes Daddy will sit us on it in our Bumbos and rotate the table all the way around so we can take in everything that's going on.

Baths are so fun:

And we're doing Tummy Time all over the place! We're both getting so strong! 

 Here are some pictures of me:

My hair has been going crazy sticking up in the back. Daddy calls it peacock head:

And of Bubs:

Mommy loves us so much. She's still nursing us as much as she can, although we have to have bottles too because she doesn't make enough milk for the two of us. When Daddy brings me over to her to nurse, he says like he is talking over the intercom at a restaurant: "Zoey! Reservation at the cow for Zoey! Your cow is now available!"

This was Mommy's last month of maternity leave, and she spent a ton of time with us:

Mommy lays with us in the hammock at Grandma and Grandpa's some:

We also hang out there just me and Bubs a lot, because we spend every Wednesday with Grandma and Grandpa, and sometimes other days too:

This flower quilt is the one Mommy's OB/Gyn made for her...isn't it beautiful?

We went on our first road trip this month, to Uncle Ben's, up in the Colorado mountains. Here I am with Uncle Ben on his birthday:

And with Grandpa Steve:

The dogs we live with--mom calls them boxers--like us a lot! Mommy tries to make sure they don't lick us, but there are a lot of close calls:

Daddy has been home with us, since he just graduated from college and he's job hunting. He stays up with us all night, so Mommy can sleep. Mommy says he's her rock. We love our Daddy!

Daddy snuggles us lots. He also plays with us lots. Like he'll hold me up in the air on my back and wiggle me forward and say "Backstroke!" It's hil-arious! I'm going to have to get Mommy to take a video of it. He also helps us do funny dances with musical sound effects, punctuated by "Dance, Dance Cheese!" (Cheese is my nickname) said loud at the end of it. 

And we got hats! Check out Baba's (that's my other nickname for my brother):

And here are some more pictures of me. Everyone's always taking pictures of me. Sometimes Daddy says in my voice, like I'm talking to him, "Daddy! Please take care of the paparazzi, Daddy! Make them stop, Daddy!"

Here's me doing a cheerleading pose. I kick and sqeal a lot! (By the way, Daddy says of the squealing that I'm a girl, and so of coure I have to talk about EVERYTHING!)

We are such happy babies! We are having the best time!

Love,

Zoey

Nursery Tour

Hi Everyone! 

I've been meaning to do a nursery tour forever...and today is finally the day!

My husband and I were both hugely involved in decorating this room, and because we both had things we wanted, we didn't end up with a particular theme...instead a mish-mash of things he wanted, things I wanted, budget items, small splurges, sentimental things, things we made, gifts, etc. Here is the finished room, which I love:

This used to be my husband's office, and the gray on the walls is his color, which he was adamant about not changing. I actually like the gray, although when we move I think I'd like to do a lighter, more pastel shade of it. We've just got one crib for now (from Target), a dresser with changing pad (dresser: American Furniture Warehouse; pad and cover: Land of Nod), and a rocker (vintage, from my mother-in-law):

We got tons of quilts/blankets as gifts and are using them all...you really can't have too many! The ones below: polka dots: a gift from a college friend (Nordstrom); multicolored paisley (on crib) and the animals (lower left of picture): hand-made by my BFF's mom (from fabric my fabulously stylish BFF picked out); patchwork quilts on the floor for tummy time: hand-made by my mom (with a little help from me). The white rug on the floor is from American Furniture Warehouse:

These giraffe mobiles were a gift from my aunt and uncle back east...so cute! (From Amazon.) And my husband wanted an alien in the room, and I found kind of a girly patchworky one on Etsy, so we were both happy:

The paisley curtains my mom and I made from fabric from Hobby Lobby...they were super easy. The dotted changing pad cover is something I splurged on. And this bunny is from a dear friend of my mom's...she's English and I so admired her style all the time I was growing up:

My husband and I changed out the plain silver knobs on the dresser...replaced them with some Anthropologie knobs that I'd used on cupboards in my bedroom in Santa Barbara and have been waiting for a chance to use ever since. The silver trash can fit our aesthetic much better than the diaper pails we saw (at least the reasonably priced ones). It works great as far as containing odor, by the way (from Bed, Bath and Beyond).

Love, love, love this vintage rocking chair that my mother-in-law refinished for us. And the leather footstool was a steal at Ross. Great for putting my feet up while rocking, or sitting on while selecting clothes out of the dresser:

Here's a detail view of the pillow in the rocker. When we originally put the room together, it felt too masculine to me, so I tried to add some girly touches like this. This is also something I had in Santa Barbara that I've been trying to find a home for ever since I left (from Land of Nod, although purchased years ago):

A few additional details that I love:

Above the rocking chair we have zoo pictures I got from Etsy:

And my BFF gave us this fabulous nightlight:

My husband has a thing about Ugly Dolls. Actually, it's really cute...when we were dating and in Seattle, we went for a walk in the Arboretum one day and passed by an open house and went inside...in one of the kid's rooms there was an Ugly Doll and my husband said, "If we ever have kids, we need one of those." So the Ugly Doll collection (each given to us as a gift) is kind of sentimental:

My husband's also all about the kids being smart, so he really wanted a periodic table in the nursery (this one's a gift from a woman I work with; from Land of Nod). I added the flower (which I used to wear around my neck some nights going out in San Francisco), again trying to keep the room from becoming too masculine. :)

So that's it! Hope you've enjoyed a peek into our happy little nursery! :)

Happy weekend, and thanks for stopping by.

XOXO

Some Thoughts on Maternity Leave, and Going Back to Work

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I have two weeks left of a three-month maternity leave, and I have to say I am so incredibly glad I have had this time. Would love to take more--actually would love more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom--but my husband and I have decided that it makes financial sense for me to work at least a little. And I am so, so lucky, in that I am going to be working part time, not full time, and from home, which cuts out the time that would otherwise be needed away from the kids to get dressed for work, commute, etc.

I have really needed these three months to 1) recover physically from the birth (it was only a week or so ago that I finally stopped bleeding), and 2) figure out how to function with these little guys.

Some things that have gotten ironed out include:

• Getting over the terrible anxiety I had during the first weeks. I still have it a little, but it's about 90% gone, maybe because of hormonal shifts, maybe because the babies are still around and alive (none of the horrible things I was thinking have come true), maybe because I've figured out some tricks to get those thoughts out of my head
• Breastfeeding. I've never had enough milk for my babies, and breastfeeding was extremely painful in the beginning. I went from trying to breastfeed exclusively (only lasted a couple days), to breastfeeding-formula feeding-pumping (the breastfeeding part was painful and the whole routine so time consuming), to pumping 8 times/day and bottle feeding, which worked pretty well, but about a month ago I started getting so sick of the pump. So with the help of the lactation nurses I have started breastfeeding again. Now I pump once or twice a day and breastfeed the rest of the time (still supplementing with bottles of formula as needed). The pain I had with breastfeeding is gone...I think from my nipples toughening up and also me and the babies learning better what to do. I've even managed to tandem breastfeed a couple of times, although that is not the norm. And, I actually think my milk supply is increasing. I have a cousin who also had a hard time breastfeeding, and she said her milk supply increased dramatically around 3 months...hoping that's what's happening to me. I still have some sadness about how breastfeeding's turned out, but I'm doing the best I can...
• Sleep. At first we were up 24/7 with these little guys, as they were not getting enough to eat and cried constantly (just lasted a couple of days). Then both my husband and I got up for every single meal, and were absolutely exhausted (and short-tempered to boot...we barely ever fight and there were some testy days and weeks in there...). Now we've settled into a routine where he takes the night shift and I the morning shift, and that is working great
• Normal life. The first month or so we didn't take the twins anywhere, and after that at first everything--going for a walk in the stroller, taking them to my parent's house, going grocery shopping, etc--was intimidating. Now that we've done them and know how it works, these sorts of things and more are routine
• Chores (eg going to the bank, washing the dogs, taking care of paperwork, laundry, etc). At first, nothing got done. Now we have tasks for each weekday (weekends off), so things get accomplished, and also we don't feel overwhelmed by all there is to do...we just do what we need to for that day, which is manageable
• Meals. At first, friends and neighbors brought us meals, which was so incredibly helpful. Then, we had a hard time because we couldn't get our act together to go to the store (enter lots of fast food, which I normally don't eat). Now, we shop with the kids every Monday, make a menu and are eating really heathly (meats on the BBQ, lots of veggies, no desserts). My husband does most of the cooking (he's so great at it, and loves doing it), with me helping with prep and side dishes...

So, what do things look like moving forward?

I'm a little scared about going back to work, because I already feel like there aren't enough hours in the day (time to blog, for instance, is hard to come by). But because my husband is job hunting, he's going to be able to take care of the kids while I work, which will make for a nice transition. (And once he goes back to work, my mother-in-law is going to move with us to help...such a Godsend.) I'm hoping I can still nurse on demand some, as my schedule will be flexible except for conference calls. And I would love it if I could have one of the kids with me...maybe in a wrap while I type up documents or talk on the phone...or maybe laying in my lap dozing, as both kids are doing right now.

It's going to be interesting to see how it all works out. And who knows, I might enjoy the intellectual challenge of working again, and I think it's going to be nice to have some more contact with the outside world. 

Trying not to focus on how sad I am that I won't be around the kids all day, and instead look at ways I can incorporate them into my workday, and remember to be so, so grateful to be working an abbreviated schedule at home.

XOXO

Luke's Diary: Month 2

Hi!

Luke here. :) Mommy said I can do the two month update, since Zoey got to do the one month one. Things are pretty great! Daddy was finishing with school this month, so Grandma Peggy spent lots of time with us...it was so fun...we love Grandma Peggy!

Here's Sissy in the basket we used to share:

We're really too big to fit in it together now. These days, we make the rounds between the basket, the swinging chair and the bouncy chair. I miss sleeping next to Sissy, though. 

Speaking of sleep, Daddy has been staying up with us from 10 to 4 or 5, and then Mommy hangs out with us in the morning while Daddy sleeps. They are so much more rested than they were when they were both feeding us at every feeding. 

Here's another picture of Sissy:

And a couple of me:

And some of us together:

Everyone says me and Sissy are such easy babies. Except she wants what she wants when she wants it. Daddy made up a voice for her when she gets like that...kind of like an old-fashioned diva movie star, like Katharine Hepburn.

"Daddy!" Daddy says in his Zoey voice. "Feed me now, Daddy!"

Or: "Cuddle me, Daddy."

I just have a normal baby voice when Daddy does me, because most of the time I'm like, whateves. I do get some uncomfortable gas sometimes, though. Daddy says that's because my gasometer is broken.

We went on a picnic at the lake a little while ago, and Sissy got fussy and Grandpa Steve took her so Mommy could finish her dinner:

Grandpa Steve took her to the playground, and when they came back he told us they had had a career talk.

"Zoey doesn't want to be a writer like Mommy or an engineer like Daddy," he said. "She told me she wants to be a pediatrician or a fireman or maybe a pharmacist."

Grandma Charlotte came out for Daddy's graduation. I was so happy to see her again:

Here are some more pictures of Sissy:

And here she is with Daddy:

He does stuff like turn us upside down all the time. We love Mommy, but Daddy's the one who makes us laugh. Like when Mommy reads us a story, she just reads the words on the page. But when Daddy reads us a story, he makes up other stuff to go along with it. Like when he reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar, he gives the caterpillar a silly name like Federico McFuzzy Pants. And we get asides on stuff like caterpillar backstory and motivation.

And one night, we were crying for food and Daddy and Mommy weren't moving fast eonugh for me and Sissy and Daddy said in my voice: "Stupid cows." (He calls himself the man cow, and the formula he gives us fake moo. He calls Mommy the Mama Cow, and her milk the real moo.)

"Stupid cows," he said in my voice. "What does a boy have to do to get some milk around here?" And then later he looked up on the internet to see if there was a song named Stupid Cow and there was and it was a techno song and he did a little dance pretending it was me...my same jerky arm movements and everything. He made Mommy laugh so hard!

Or sometimes he'll make jokes. Like Sissy has a birthmark on her leg, and you know we were in the freezer as embryos before we got put into Mommy's tummy. Daddy says the mark on Sissy is freezer burn.

Mommy can be funny too, like when she and Daddy race to see who can get their baby buckled into the car seat the fastest. (They double and triple check for safety, afterwards, though.) But mostly she just hugs us and cuddles us and feeds us and burps us and changes us, gives us baths, rocks us and generally loves on us. (Daddy does all that too. Except for the bath part.) Mommy reads to us a lot, too, sometimes age-appropriate books, but she's also been reading me and Sissy poems out of her Poetry magazine, and I think she's been reading Sissy Vogue, too.

Here's Mommy and my grandmas on Mother's Day:

Daddy helped me and Sissy with presents for Mommy. She said it made her sooooooo happy.

Those outfits we have on are outfits Mommy wore when she was a baby, by the way. Don't we look cute in them?

Bye for now! (And Mommy says to say thanks for stopping by.)

Luke

Month One

They Grow Up So Fast...

Last week, I was in the store buying a graduation card for my husband. I had the twins with me, in their stroller. Next to me was an older woman, also looking at graduation cards. And crying.

"My daughter's graduating from high school," she told me. "It's just now hitting me, I guess."

I put my hand on her arm and said, "That must be so hard, I can only imagine."

She gestured towards the twins in the stroller. "Enjoy your time with them," she said. "They grow up so fast."

And I know that is absolutely the case. My mom was saying yesterday, "The babies don't seem like newborns anymore. They're little babies now." They have already outgrown some clothes. And this past week we went from newborn diapers to size 1.

Today, Mother's Day, I've been sitting in the rocking chair, breastfeeding my kids individually and rocking them, stroking their heads and just being very quiet and still with them, trying to make time slow down. My husband says the way to make time go slower, to enjoy them more, is not to have a lot going on, to keep our days as open and free as possible, so there's plenty of time for just rocking babies. 

Part of me is really looking forward to seeing how these kids grow and change. Another part...a big part...wants to freeze time and have things as they are now forever. Breaks my heart to think of them as 18 and heading off for college. I'm sure I'll be crying in the graduation card section, too...

XOXO

A Psychic, a Birthmark, and Some Thoughts on Reincarnation

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I'm getting all hippie and "new agey" around here today...be forewarned...

So my mom went to see a psychic a few years ago, in relation to my brother/her son's death. Recently, she told me about it, and let me listen to a recording of the session. Lots of really interesting things in there, including something really remarkable about my children that I want to share.

The psychic was talking as though my brother were communicating with her, and she said there was a little girl with him, a real chatterbox, and that that little girl would come into our lives. And it's easy to think that that little girl was Zoey, because, no question, she is our chatterbox.

But here's the cool part. The psychic said several times throughout the session that my brother kept pointing to his left leg...she kept asking my mom did he have a scar or tattoo there? Or did Kristen? (They talked about me quite a bit in the session.) My mom said no, but it kept coming up. 

Well, Zoey has a very prominent birthmark on her left leg. And I know it could just be coincidence, but I get goose bumps thinking about it.

On a related note, I wrote before about the possibility that my brother could be reincarnated into one of my children, and I thought before they were born that it would be very clear to me if that happened. The reality...you know, some days I think maybe my son Luke is my brother's soul or whatever you want to call it reincarnated. I like to think of him and Zoey together, like the psychic was saying, and then coming down to be with me. It's like Luke (my son) brought a friend with him, to travel through life with him, and that makes me smile.

But other times, I'm not so sure...I feel like my brother is watching over all of us, and will be there for me when I die, neither of which can really be the case if he's been reincarnated, right? Also, my son is so very mellow and laid back...whereas "intense" is the word I would use to describe my brother. There was nothing mellow about him.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I will always see and treat my son as his own individual and unique person.

Who knows if there's any validity to all this, anyway. It just gives me comfort to think that there might be...

Hope everyone's having a lovely week.

XOXO

The Dreaded Anniversary

Last Sunday was the anniversary of my brother Luke's death.

A motorcycle accident, a Friday evening, him coming home (we had lived together in a house overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara, CA) for a BBQ we were having with friends. Later that night, we were all going down to see his band's gig in Ventura. Instead, everyone ended up at the hospital, and then back at our house, taking turns sitting next to me, holding my hands.

Seven years.

How can it be that long? That whole life--living by the ocean, surfing every day, young, and I don't know if I can say happy...we all had our struggles...but we were all together, Luke and I and our friends. Hard not to look back and see such an idyllic picture, and in many, many ways, it truly was.

Seven years.

It shouldn't hurt so much now, should it?

The truth is, it hurts less often. I don't think about it 24/7 anymore. But when I let myself think...it's like it's happening now, all over again. That horrible, horrible nightmare.

The anniversary is one time when it's hard not to let myself think. This year, actually, the worst day was a few days before. The anticipation always kills me. That's when all the tears were shed, when I felt...I mean, how can I go on? It's probably such a long, long time until I die, until there is any kind of peace with all this.

And then...there are babies. For the first time. The happy ending to another trauma, right on the heels of losing my brother: the whole five years of a mess that was us trying to have a baby.

The twins help ease the pain, no question. But in that they add some things to the "good things that have happened to me" column, help to balance life out, so it doesn't look so much like it's just sorrow after sorrow after sorrow. They help. But they don't take away the pain. Or replace the huge hole in my heart.

Still. Before it happened, I was trying to think what I wanted to do on that day (the anniversary), what would make me feel better. And all I wanted was to hold those babies.

XOXO

Greedy

The minute I had my kids, I knew I wanted more. Even with as hard as my pregnancy was, I'd do it again in a second. And we have frozen embryos (or "freezer tots," as my husband has taken to calling them), so more is a possibility. (I can't imagine we'd do another fresh IVF cycle.) My husband and I have agreed to table discussion of more kids until early next year, when the twins will be approaching their first birthday. If we decide to do it, we'll do it right away. My husband at this point seems amenable. He HAS said he wants one vs two at a time, though, and I can understand that. (One seems like it would be so easy. Although one difficult baby is likely as hard or harder than two pretty easy babies, which is what we've ended up with.)

A related (and funny and sweet) conversation with my husband, from last week:

Me: I just got my period. Not even 6 weeks from delivery. Weird.

Him: Maybe that means you're super fertile now. Should we use birth control?

Me: Are you serious? OK, first of all, if we get pregnant on our own, it'll be a miracle. And second, if I did get pregnant, that would be so awesome...all the money and time we'd save versus going to the clinic, not to mention all the drugs I wouldn't have to be on...

Him: Yeah, but I feel bad for the freezer tots. I want to spring some more freezer tots, don't you?

And I totally get it. Those embryos in the freezer...I hate the thought of not giving them a chance at making it.

By the way, the only considerations in my mind for us not having a bunch more kids are 1) my age (I'm three years away from what I personally, for me, consider "too old") and 2) being able to do what we want with the kids financially (eg send them to good colleges). Because of these factors, if we do try it (try to have more kids), another successful pregnancy would almost certainly be my last.

We'll see how we feel in nine months or so...

XO

Postpartum Anxiety

One of the things I was fearful of while I was pregnant was postpartum depression. Thankfully, I haven't had to contend with that. But what's taken me by surprise is some pretty serious anxiety, and also (and maybe this is the same thing, I don't know) how I don't seem to be able to stop playing horrible scenarios over and over in my mind.

It started right away, a few hours after the babies were born, laying in the hospital room just thinking, "I don't know how I'd survive if something ever happened to these children."

Now that I'm home, I worry about SIDS. A lot. I worry about tripping and falling down the stairs with one of the kids in my arms and them being irreversibly harmed. I worry about the babies being kidnapped by people who would do horrible things to them. 

And then I think about all the awful things...stories I've heard of things done to babies, especially in war time, the Holocaust, stories I won't repeat here because I don't want them to get into anyone else's head.

I don't know if all of this is a hormonal thing related to postpartum, or something else. It's worse this week, and a) I got my period (not even 6 weeks after delivery...which Dr. Google says is rare but not unheard of), which always makes me crazy emotionally, and b) the anniversary of my brother's death is this weekend, and I try to pretend it's not happening, but my body and mind know and I always have a really hard time with things this time of year. Oh and that's the other thing...I keep replaying and replaying calling my parents to tell them their son is dead...God, what an awful memory, and it hurts even more now that I have kids of my own.

I keep thinking about losing one or both of my children and how I would cope, how I would survive it when the reality is that this is not something I need to be thinking about and dealing with unless it happens...there's no benefit in "rehearsing" in my mind how it would be.

I didn't expect all this...was not prepared for it. And I'm not sure what to do about it. My husband says I always go to the dark place, and it's true, and I need to stop...just not sure how to do that. 

Hoping after the anniversary of my brother's death all this will ease somewhat. It's so weird because I'm so happy. I'm just so fearful of the universe taking everything away...

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: One Month Old

Hi!

Zoey here!

My little brother Luke (who, I'd like to point out, is a full 10 mintues younger than me) and I are going to take turns telling you about what's been going on around here. Since everybody says I'm such the chatterbox, Mom said I could go first!

During the day, Luke and I spend a lot of time sleeping nose-to-nose in our Moses basket. Mom and Dad got two baskets as gifts, and at first put us in seperate baskets, but we weren't happy...we like to be together. We still fit into one, but we're both growing like crazy, so that won't last much longer.

Here I am in the chair Mom sits in to nurse me. Grandma Peggy put this bow in my hair...isn't it cute? She and my mom just love dressing me up!

Here's Luke with our dad. Dad's almost done with college, and gets to spend a lot of time at home with us and Mom. He takes good care of us, although he did try to cut off my toe on my first day home. He didn't mean to, though! He had taken scissors to cut the hospital band off my leg, and with my other leg I kicked the blade. It wasn't much of a cut...there was blood everywhere, though. He felt so bad! 

Dad is super great, because he makes Mom laugh and us smile on the inside. He's always making up songs for us. Like you know that song "Sweet Caroline?" Mom started jokingly calling herself "the cow" because of all the milk production that's going on, and so Dad started singing to her, "Sweet mama cow...moo, moo, moo..." 

Dad also keeps things fun during feedings DJing from his iPAD. He lets me and Luke weigh in on the songs, and skips to the next one if we don't like what he's chosen.

My thing with Dad is dancing. Sometimes he'll make my legs go real fast and sing "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance. He's also teaching me to hula. And when Luke or I are waving our arms around, he'll narrate stories...you know, what we'd say if we could talk.

Basically, Daddy cracks Mommy up all day long.

Here's Mom with both of us. She calls me Zo-Zo, or lots of times Sissy. She calls Luke Little Man. Dad calls Luke Bubba sometimes, but Mom doesn't like that...she says it sounds Southern redneck. Dad also calls me Squeal Cheese and Luke Squeak Cheese...Squeal and Squeak for short, or Queso de Squeal and Queso de Squeak when he feels like talking in Spanish, although I'm not even sure that is gramatically correct.

I sometimes make little mewing sounds...little sighs of happiness when Mom holds me like this, and my brother does, too. Mama says it melts her heart.

Here we are dressed to go out. A lot of our clothes are still too big for us, but we'll grow into them.

Mostly, we've been to see doctors and to Grandma and Grandpa's. Mom also takes us for walks, and sometimes Dad comes too. Mom says the world was cold and bare until we were born, and then all of a sudden spring was everywhere, with leaves on trees and flowers blooming and the weather warm. She likes being out after having to rest so much when we were in her belly.

We're staring to sleep less and be awake more. It's fun to sit up and see what's happening.

Here's Grandma Peggy, our Mom's Mom. She comes over on Mondays and Wednesdays and plays with us so Dad can go to school and Mom can get a little sleep. She used to be a nurse in the NICU, whatever that means, but because of that our Mom asks her for lots of advice about us. Grandma Peggy loves us so much, and we love her too!

Here's Grandpa Steve, our Mom's Dad, feeding Luke. Once he and Grandma Peggy came to babysit, so Mom and Dad could go out together (although why they'd want to be away from us for even a second, I have no idea). We love Grandpa Steve!

And here's Grandma Charlotte, Daddy's Mom. She lives in Las Vegas, but came to visit us last weekend. We love Grandma Charlotte!

Two boxers live in our house, Newton and Dexter. Mom and Dad have made sure we all get along and all feel loved. Here's Daddy with me and Newton. I like the boxers, except sometimes they lick my ear. One or the other of them always lays on the floor in front of our crib at night, though. They make us feel safe.

Mom took us to the park the other day and let us do tummy time on the grass. Here I am in my favorite outfit. Dad doesn't get the ruffles on my butt, but Mom understands how cute that is. Luke and I are about to outgrow a bunch of stuff already, so I need to wear my favorites while I can!

Here's Mom with Luke. Doesn't she look happy?

And with the both of us. She loves us so much.

Gotta run...Dad's calling. "Squeal Cheese," he's saying, "want to hula?"

Love, Zoey

Breastfeeding Update

Hi Everyone!

First off, thank you to everyone who commented with support and suggestions on my last breastfeeding post...very much appreciated. :)

So late last week, I went to see the lactation consultants with a list of questions, but mostly to see if I couldn't get some help with the painful latch on my left side. The consultant I worked with I had met in my breastfeeding class, but hadn't seen since. After saying to me, "You look exhausted," (which is what every health care professional says to me these days), she asked me a number of questions about what I was doing and how it was going. And then she suggested that I just pump and bottle feed, and at least for now let go of having the babies feed at breast.

"That way," she said, "you'll have more flexibility." (Because she wants me to pump 8 times/day, but it doesn't necessarily have to be tied to the feeding schedule.) "And you'll get more sleep. And you'll have some time to enjoy these babies, vs the drudgery of constant feeding. And," she said, "my guess is your milk supply is going to go WAY up, because you won't be so exhausted all the time."

I cried tears of relief when she said this to me. Because I try not to complain--I love, love, love these babies, and I signed up for this--but I AM exhausted...beyond exhausted. And with the painful latch on the left side, breastfeeding on that side is something I have to steel myself for...it hurts a lot. And while a big part of me wants to appreciate and enjoy--DOES appreciate and enjoy--every second of this newborn stage, another part of me has been wishing we could get past it, just so I don't have to deal with the pain of breastfeeding, and can finally get some sleep. But I don't want to wish for time to go faster. And what the lactation consultant was suggesting seemed so much more doable than the way things have been...a way for me to enjoy this time vs wishing it away. 

So it's been several days on the new regimen, and I'm getting more sleep, and the pain of breastfeeding is gone. AND, my milk supply has already gone up...will be interesting to see what happens over the next week or two.

The lactation consultant also had a number of other suggestions, which I'm listing here in case they're helpful to someone else:

• Feeding should be "all business," should take about 20 minutes (cuddle and play after feeding) (we had been stretching out feedings, sometimes taking an hour or more)
• Good feed: 2–3 ounces; do a full feed every time you feed them...no snacks (we had been giving them small amounts of milk from a bottle between feedings)
• Burp after every ounce (we had been burping more often, so this will save time)
• Once a baby has touched formula or breast milk do not reuse (no one had told us this)
• Diaper change towards end (or after) feeding, not at beginning (we were changing at the beginning and end...so this will save us time, and money on diapers, besides)
• A pacifier is OK (we'd been advised not to use one for the first month)
• Wake and feed some during the day so babies will sleep better at night (our babies currently sleep better during the day than at night)
• Have one person do some of the feedings alone so the other person can sleep (we were both doing every feeding, so very little sleep for anyone)

Oh, and I can still breastfeed, but just when I want to and just on the right side (which doesn't hurt) if I want to. 

All this is not my perfect scenario, but I'm learning to let it go. It's OK I'm not doing this perfectly (which in my mind is feeding both babies from the breast 100% of the time). My husband says that's all ego anyway, and I'm sure he's right. 

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Breastfeeding Is Hard

Hi Everyone!

Today I wanted to share a little about how breastfeeding has gone. Ah...where to start?

I really, really, really, really wanted to breastfeed the twins. I took a class and read a lot about it before they were born, and the main messages I got were:

1) It was all about supply and demand, so if you did it right, there'd be no problem with supply, and

2) Breastfeeding is soooooo much better for the babies.

No one mentioned:

1) Premature babies (at 36 weeks mine were considered premature) can't necessarily breastfeed very well, because they are not mature enough to latch on/suck like they are supposed to 

2) Pre-eclamsia (which I had a pretty severe case of) can seriously mess with your milk supply

3) IVF can mess with breastfeeding, according to one of the lactation consultants we worked with. According to her, the hormonal cascades are not the same, and that can have an impact (although I've never heard this anywhere else)

4) Breastfeeding HURTS, especially at first, in my experience. I seriously don't know how the human race has survived when nourishing newborn babies is so painful. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, we were definitely at 10 in the beginning, and I'm still having problems with pain, even though the lactation consultants say I'm doing things right

When the twins were born, I fed them both an hour or so after birth, and that went well, but after that it was really hit or miss, with Luke initially not latching and Zoey latching/sucking sometimes and not others. The lactation consultants (our hospital had a great program with essentially unlimited access, bless them) helped with technique and set us up with a pump and made sure we had one when we went home. Everyone made it seem like breastfeeding exclusively was totally doable.

Then we went home. And I tried to breastfeed round the clock, longer and longer sessions because my babies seemed so hungry. For three days. The whole time, day and night, the babies screaming and screaming. My mom, who is a nurse and spent her career in the NICU, came to spend the night on the third night, and before spending the night she was talking about how breastfeeding was best, there was no reason not to do this all naturally, and by the morning after a night of screaming children said: "These kids need formula."

That same day, the lactation consultants came for a home visit. They weighed the babies, who had both lost a lot of weight, and said the same thing. 

Since then, the babies have been getting enough to eat, and it's like night and day around here...from screaming 24/7, to really easy babies (knock on wood) that cry only when they need something.

Here's the regimen we're currently on, set up by the lactation consultants:

1) Breastfeed each baby 10 minutes (I haven't been able to get the tandem thing down, so they each get fed individually)

2)  Bottle feed with breast milk pumped from the seesion before and saved

3) Top off with formula until the babies are full

4) Pump until my breasts are empty

All this at least 8 times/day. With help, a feed cycle takes about an hour. Alone, an hour and a half to two.

So, bottom line, I'm glad my children are getting enough to eat. Those first few days at home were awful. But I'm also really sad that my body's not making enough milk for the twins to be breastfed exclusively. I know formula is totally fine, but it's not what I wanted...breastfeeding was so important to me. I also don't like pumping, because it takes me away from the babies...instead of cuddling the babies after feeding, I have to put them down and go spend some time with a machine. And also, although both babies are latching on and nursing pretty well, and it's not as painful as it was, it's still pretty painful on the left side, and sometimes I can't get Zoey to latch on and eat, which I take so personally, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to try to meet with the lactation consultants again this week to iron out some of these issues...also to see what's next because feeding these babies is my #1 priority, but the regimen they have us on is tough time and energy wise...I'm hoping maybe there's something a little easier on the horizon.

Oh, and I'm also (upon recommendation from the lactation consultants) taking Mother's Milk tincture 3 dropperfuls/4 times a day, fenugreek 6 capsules/3 times a day and trying to eat well/enough and drink a ton of water and rest/sleep as much as possible. And I think maybe my milk supply has been increasing a little (which is what all of these things are intented to help with), but it's still nowhere near enough to feed both of these babies.

Sigh.

Breastfeeding is hard.

Thought from those who have been there? I'd love to hear your experiences.

XOXO

The Pediatrician's Office Made Me Cry

Office staff (over the phone): "Hi, is this Luke and Zoe's mom?"

Me (after a pause to register what was being asked...I'm so used to 'Hi, is this Kristen?'): "Yes."

Office staff: "Just calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow."

Me: "Thanks, we'll be there."

And then I hung up the phone and started crying. 

Happy tears.

I just got referred to as somebody's mom.

I didn't ever think I'd get to be somebody's mom.

So, so, so, so lucky.

XOXO

Birth Story, Part III: Postpartum

(If you haven't already, you can read about my labor and delivery here and here.)

So, after delivery and being sewn up in the OR, I was taken back to my room. The babies were already there with their grandparents, and were getting checked out/cleaned up. It seemed like ages before I got to hold them! My dad got me a roast beef sandwich and milk (I hadn't been allowed anything but broth and popsicles all day), and FINALLY I got to hold the babies. And try to breastfeed, which went pretty well (although that wouldn't continue to be the case).

After a couple hours, they were ready to move me upstairs, and during that transition I got so cold, violently shaking, which my nurse said often happens after delivery. My husband and the babies came upstairs with me to another private room (I can't tell you how much I appreciated the fact that our hospital had private rooms)...it was pretty late at night by that point, one or two in the morning, and we put the babies between my bed and the couch my husband was going to sleep on, and it was hard to go to sleep with them in the room, I just felt such overwhelming love and awe. I also kept thinking that if something happened to them, there is no way I'd be able to survive it.

We stayed two more nights and another full day in the hospital...the twins were fine, but my health was worrying the doctors, with my blood pressure sky high and my liver enzymes and something else I can't remember (kidney function?) abnormal and trending the wrong way. My doctor said if they discharged me and I had to come back I wouldn't be able to bring the babies, so they didn't want to let me go home until they were pretty sure I was going to be OK.

Hard to get any sleep in the hospital, with blood draws every 6 hours, and people checking on me and the babies round the clock, and visitors (my brother and a family friend came over from Denver...was so great to have him meet the twins!)

We needed (and had) lots of help from the lactation nurses. (Breastfeeding has been a challenge. But that's a post of it's own.)

I was in a bit of pain, but some drugs and heating pads and ice packs helped. 

Was also dealing with that nasty cold, which was such a bummer, but it is what it is.

Didn't get into a shower until a couple hours before I went home, and it felt soooooo good.

And then it was time, and home we went.

We've been home two weeks now, and having these babies...it is just amazing. Words can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy we are. And tired. Oh, Lord. But my husband's home 5 days a week to help, and my mom comes the other two, and we've had friends and neighbors bringing us meals, so tons of help and that makes a big difference. Also, our babies are really easy babies so far (knock on wood), crying pretty much only when they are hungry (although right now that's eight or more times a day) and then after eating going right back to sleep. So all in all, things have been pretty manageable. The babies are already growing and changing, too, which is so fun to watch, but makes it so apparent how fleeting these days of them being newborns are... 

Just trying to soak it all in and remember every moment...

Here are a few pictures:

Zoey (left) and Luke. Love that they put them together.

 

Luke.

Zoey.

Finally I get to hold one of my babies. :)

My dad with Zoey...

My husband with our baby girl...he is so in love with these children...

Me breastfeeding our son...

Leaving the hospital...

XOXO

Birth Story, Part II: Delivery

(If you haven't already, you can read Part I [about my labor] here.)

So, 9:30 PM-ish, I got taken to the OR, my husband with me and what seemed like about 15 doctors, nurses, etc. It was crowded in there!

Honestly, the first part of being in the OR is a blur. Bright lights. Lots of activity. I was scared and my husband was calming me down. There was a basketball game on the radio, kind of quiet in the background. They moved me from my bed to this table with big black boot-like things for my legs, and my husband joked this was the closest I was going to get to snowboard boots this year.

And then the doctor took a look at me and said, kind of panicked, "I need everyone ready NOW! This baby's crowning, one push and he'll be out. Look at the head of dark hair! And where the hell's the anesthesiologist?Somebody get him here NOW!"

My husband stood at my side, and somebody said there was a contraction coming, and the doctor told me to push as hard as I could to the count of ten, and then to do that two more times. I pushed hard, until I was out of breath, but I didn't feel a thing. 

Another contraction came, and she had me push again. And then another, and the doctor said, "here he comes," and then I heard a baby cry and somebody said "she." (Everyone had thought our boy was in position to be born first, but it actually turned out to be our girl.)

My husband was crying, and they put our daughter on my chest for a minute, she was so beautiful, I felt so much love the second I saw her. And then they took her away to check on her and my husband went with her and I was listening to make sure she was OK, I'm sure I asked if she was OK, too, because one of my fears was that the babies would not be healthy. And then it was a couple minutes later and my husband was back at my side, (still crying, so sweet) and I did three more sets of pushes and out came our boy. I felt him slip out of my body, but no pain whatsoever. Actually, I'm really grateful I had the epidural, because he came out with his arm beside his head and I tore...I cannot imagine how painful that would have been without drugs. 

Again, they gave him to me for a minute, again the crazy intense love, then they took him away to check on him and my husband went with the babies, which they handed to him not long after. He went to introduce them to the grandparents, too, who were waiting in my room. I hated that the babies were taken away, but the doctor had to sew me up and that took some time. Blood everywhere, it seemed like. And I was shown the placenta, which was really big...the two placentas had grown together. 

My husband came back shortly after, still all teary (love him for that) and we just held hands and said over and over, "We did it, we did it, we did it."

Without a doubt one of the happiest moments of my life. So crazy how fast it happened though...no one ever tells you things could happen like that. 

"You were born to birth babies," my doctor said, and my husband said something about me being the birth goddess. It was incredible for it to happen so smooth and easy, so incredibly grateful...

Here are some pictures:

Here's our first picture of our daughter, Zoey, shortly after her birth.

And our son, Luke.

My husband with both babies...

And our first family portrait...

Our babies being transported back to our room...

To be continued...

XOXO 

Birth Story, Part I: Labor

Hi Everyone!

So I wanted to share a bit about the experience we went through with the birth of our twins. 

Wednesday, March 14, I went in for a routine 36-week OB visit. My OB was out of town for the week, and the doctor covering for her told me she (and everyone else in the practice, except for my regular OB) would go straight to C-section with twins that were vertex/breech like mine were. We joked about me needing to make sure to wait until my regular doctor was back in town.

Then I went to the hospital to get monitored (non-stress test), like I'd been doing every week. They asked for a urine sample, which they always do, and I normally tell them I already gave one to my OB, but this time for some reason I did a second sample. Which was really lucky, because I think the sample at my OB's office had somehow fallen through the cracks and hadn't been tested. My favorite nurse was taking care of me, and I lay down and got strapped onto the monitoring machine and started reading my book, figuring I'd be home within an hour.

Instead, my urine came back with lots of protein in it. And my blood pressure was high, and higher every time they checked. And I'd been having terrible swelling in my feet/ankles/lower legs for weeks, which didn't seem to concern anyone until these other things came back abnormal.

So, labs were ordered, and I called my husband to come be with me. Based on the results of the labs, they decided to admit me. I wasn't really given any more information, other than that the on-call doctor would come talk with me.

This all started about 2 PM. It was about 8 PM when the on-call doctor, another doctor in my OB's practice, came in and said that they wanted to keep watch on me overnight but didn't feel like the situation was an emergency. But depending on how things went and how things looked in the morning, they would probably induce me. The twins were doing just fine, I was told, but I was rapidly developing preeclampsia and pregnancy-induced hypertension (which I thought were one and the same, but everyone talked about them as two separate things), and in order to not jeopardize my health, we needed to get the babies out.

They offered me a sleeping pill, which I was so happy to have...I had been sleeping terribly due to the discomfort of being pregnant...also had a pretty bad cold going on...

The night was uneventful. In the early morning, there were more labs, and at 8 AM I was told they were going to induce. I was given cytotec, which is supposed to help soften your cervix (mine was fully closed, my body wasn't anywhere near going into labor). And then we just kind of lay around waiting for something to happen.

About an hour later, I was told that my platelets were dropping fast and I had to get an epidural right away because if we didn't do it then my platelets would be too low for me to have one, and a C-section was what everyone was kind of expecting would happen, so they wanted to make sure I had an epidural in. I kept saying over and over, "I want to do a vaginal delivery if at all possible," I really didn't want a C-section, but I was trying to get used to the idea because that's all anyone was talking about.

So in went the epidural, which hurt. They didn't start the meds, though, because I wasn't really in any pain, they just put it physically in place.

They checked my cervix at 12 PM. Still completely closed. Another dose of cytotec. They checked it again late afternoon. Still closed. Around 6 PM, I started having some labor pain with my contractions (contractions had been happening since the previous afternoon when I had first come in for monitoring). It was a little intense, but my husband helped me through it, and it wasn't awful. I could have stood more.

Around 8 PM, a third doctor from my OB's practice came to see me. She was the doctor on call that night, and said the twins were coming out one way or another. (In the meantime, I'd had a 24-hour urine sample collected and the results of that seemed to alarm everyone.) She said we needed to have "the talk," meaning about how I was going to need to have a C-section. But first, let her look at the babies on ultrasound and let her check my cervix, just to see if anything had changed.

The ultrasound showed the babies had somehow moved into vertex/vertex, which is the best possible position for vaginal delivery. And, when the doctor checked my cervix, it had finally started to open...I think I was dilated to about a 1. The doctor asked the nurse to give her the hook to break my water, and told me if my labor progressed at a reasonable rate we could try for a vaginal delivery. Yay!

I was told pitocin would be started and that they recommended some meds be put through my epidural, as the pitocin would make things pretty intense. I said OK, and the relief from the pain I'd been feeling was pretty much immediate and complete. I'd always been pretty open to an epidural (I'm pretty much a baby about pain), so having one (and using it) wasn't a huge disappointment to me like I know it might have been to some women. 

Anyway, everything had been happening so slowly, my husband went home to take a shower and change, get a bite to eat. My mom stayed with me; I wasn't feeling anything at all, expect in my hip/lower back some pain with the contractions, which I was told was a little spot where the epidural wasn't working. My mom rubbing the area during contractions was enough to help, though.

My husband had barely been gone any time at all when the nurse came in to check me and said that I was complete. 

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means you are ready to deliver these babies."

So crazy...from nothing happening all day to being fully dilated in about an hour...and they had barely used any pitocin at all, either....everyone kept saying, "HOW MUCH pitocin did she have?!?" like they couldn't believe how fast things had happened, either.

So a frantic call was made to my husband to get back to the hospital. The on-call doctor was called back in, everyone got into scrubs, I asked some questions about what to expect pain-wise (not much, I was told)  and I was wheeled to the OR to deliver (they wanted me there in case they had to go to a C-section, they didn't want any delay.)

I was freaking out a little, because everything was happening so fast. I started shivering, teeth chattering, more because I was afraid than cold, but my husband stayed with me and calmed me down. I was so excited to meet our babies, but a little freaked out by the fact that the time was here. I'd been expecting to be pregnant another week or more, or at least until four in the morning, which seemed like a reasonable amount of time for labor. I just couldn't believe I was about to deliver these babies.

Here are some pictures from right before delivery:

My husband, by my bedside...

The on-call doctor who delivered me...love the hat...

One of my nurses...and talk about medical interventions...I felt like I had everything known to man going on...jealous of women who get to do the hippie birth center no pain meds thing...I'm so grateful for everything that was available to me, but a little sad my birth experience couldn't have been simpler/more organic...

I'm smiling here, but really I'm scared to death about what's about to happen...

Me getting wheeled to the OR...

To be continued...

XOXO