Creativity--How Do I Make Room for You in My Life???
- Actually getting my guitar tuned (every time I sit down to do it I end up with a kid in my lap) and singing songs with the kids
- Figuring out some new things I can do with my camera
- Digging out my old video camera and making some cute little home movies
- Writing a children's book or two (there's an idea I've been trying to make work for 10 years at least...)
- Finishing my book about living in San Francisco a million years ago...
- Heck, even just thumbing through something other than "Poetry" and "The New Yorker" just to get a fresh perspective on things (which, aside from the picture, is why I bought this magazine this week). (And "Poetry" and "The New Yorker" are both great, it just feels like they are the only things I've read simce the kids were born.)
"Don't Worry About Cool"
This is going to go over my desk as a sort of New Year's Resolution:
Sol Lewitt's advice to a young Eva Hesse:
"Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder wondering, doubthing, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping...Stop it and just DO!...
Don't worry about cool, make your own uncoll. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you--draw and paint your fear and anxiety...
YOu must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO!...
Try to do some BAD work--the worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell--you are not responsible for the world--you are only responsible for your work--so DO IT. And don't think that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be...
I know that you (or anyone) can only work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you work or before you work you have to empty your mind and concentrate on what you are doing. After you do something it is done and that's that. After a while you can see some are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I'm sure you know all that. You also must know that you don't have to justify your work--not even to yourself.
Via Desk of Tobias van Schneider.
Merry Xmas everyone!
750 Words, And Some Thoughts on Taking a Little Time for Myself
I love this time of year, after Labor Day, back-to-school time...it always feels like such a fresh start. And something I've been thinking about doing...now seemed like the perfect time to begin.
There's a book about creativity (The Artist's Way) I read ages ago that talks about the fact that to be creative, it's good to get all the garbage out of your mind. So if you write three pages in the morning about whatever it is you're thinking about (a page typewritten is 250 words), you can do better from a creative standpoint during the day.
I used to do this, write longhand, but haven't in a long time, not since I got pregnant with the babies at least.
But a little while ago, I heard about 750words.com, and thought it might be fun to do this on the computer.
Of course it took me a while to start because:
a) I'm really good at not letting myself do fun things that are just for me, and
b) What mother has time for such things? and
c) I'm not doing anything creative right now except for blogging due to lack of time, so is the whole 750 words thing really necessary?
But I started. A few weeks ago. And I'm not doing it every day, but that's OK. And it doesn't take that much time--a lot less time than I thought it would--turns out, I can write 750 words in about 12 minutes.
And there's a lot in my head that needs to get out, with babies and work and my husband job hunting and us potentially moving and family drama and etc...
And also, I'm starting to think about how taking some time to write again might not be such a bad idea. I've given up pretty much everything to be 100% focused on these babies, and I've loved every minute of it. But in the long term, it's probably better to have a little balance, you know? Like maybe working on my books a couple nights a week after the babies go to bed, so I'm not talking anything away from them...
XOXO
Truth in Blogging
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind of late, mostly because as I come out of the fog of the first few months of motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be moving forward.
From the beginning, this blog was meant as a fun, creative project for me. What it was about initially was my struggles getting over the death of my brother, and, even more so, my last few rounds of IVF and the last loss (late miscarriage) that we suffered in relation to that.
And then the pregnancy that didn't end in disaster! Yay! And the twins...the incredible twins that have brought so much joy to our lives. And so these days, this is very much a parenting blog, and that's where I want this blog to go (for the time being, at least).
One of the things that popped into my head last week while thinking about this is that famous Tolstoy quote, about (and I'm paraphrasing) every happy family being the same, but every unhappy family being unhappy in its own way.
I was thinking about that because ours is such a happy family, and that's what I want this blog to be about. And I disagree that every happy family is the same. I think they are all different, and for me the key to making it thought this life with all its trials and tribulations is to focus on what is happy--the unique, specific things that bring happiness--especially when times are good, which they are right now.
OK.
That said, there is a flip side.
Of course my life's not perfect...no one's is. And I'm afraid that people reading my blog will think that it is these days, because I don't talk about the bad stuff very often anymore. A lot of that is because there isn't that much bad stuff. And also, I am making a conscious choice to focus on the good.
But is that dishonest?
I'm going to say no...my space, my rules, and I'm not making my life out to be something that it's not. I really just don't want to focus on the negative. But there ARE things that happen and things that I worry about that I don't usually bring up. For instance:
- My husband and I fight sometimes. We always make up, but still, it happens
- I still miss my brother terribly sometimes
- I still fell totally traumatized by what we went through to have children, although for the most part I'm just trying not to think about it. (Same with my brother. I'm not sure how healthy a coping strategy this is, but it's what I've got)
- Sometimes I'm scared of moving (which is probably what's going to happen once my husband accepts a job). Actually, I'm excited for my husband to get an amazing job, and I'm excited to go with him somewhere new. It's just that I'm going to miss my parents. And it's going to be fine because we're all committed to visiting, there's phone calls and Skype and email and etc, etc. I'm just a little afraid of the unknown...
- I'm still scared that something is going to happen to the twins. The horrible anxiety I had right after they were born is gone, thank goodness. But still, I worry
- And I have regrets about the past...the far past...things I can't do anything about...
- And work can be...I mean, I'm really grateful of the fact--and proud of the fact--that I can support my family if need be (like in this interim place between my husband finishing school and finding a good job). Still, sometimes work...there can be stress and angst
- I shouldn't worry about money, because we're doing fine, but sometimes I do
- Etc...
Here's why I don't want to write about these things that often. Not because I'm embarrassed about any of them, or that I want people to think my life is better than it is. But because the things that go on, the things I worry about...for the most part they don't change. And I don't want to be a broken record, over and over with the small things that are at times not so great.
This isn't a diary. This isn't a confessional tell-all, and I'm not pretending it is. This is just a space where I (for the most part) want to record all that is joyous in my life, and there is so, so much of that.
But I promise, on occasion, to spill the beans on the bad stuff.
Because that's part of it, too.
Just not the part I want to focus on, and I hope that that's OK.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this...
XOXO
Nursery Tour
Hi Everyone!
I've been meaning to do a nursery tour forever...and today is finally the day!
My husband and I were both hugely involved in decorating this room, and because we both had things we wanted, we didn't end up with a particular theme...instead a mish-mash of things he wanted, things I wanted, budget items, small splurges, sentimental things, things we made, gifts, etc. Here is the finished room, which I love:
This used to be my husband's office, and the gray on the walls is his color, which he was adamant about not changing. I actually like the gray, although when we move I think I'd like to do a lighter, more pastel shade of it. We've just got one crib for now (from Target), a dresser with changing pad (dresser: American Furniture Warehouse; pad and cover: Land of Nod), and a rocker (vintage, from my mother-in-law):
We got tons of quilts/blankets as gifts and are using them all...you really can't have too many! The ones below: polka dots: a gift from a college friend (Nordstrom); multicolored paisley (on crib) and the animals (lower left of picture): hand-made by my BFF's mom (from fabric my fabulously stylish BFF picked out); patchwork quilts on the floor for tummy time: hand-made by my mom (with a little help from me). The white rug on the floor is from American Furniture Warehouse:
These giraffe mobiles were a gift from my aunt and uncle back east...so cute! (From Amazon.) And my husband wanted an alien in the room, and I found kind of a girly patchworky one on Etsy, so we were both happy:
The paisley curtains my mom and I made from fabric from Hobby Lobby...they were super easy. The dotted changing pad cover is something I splurged on. And this bunny is from a dear friend of my mom's...she's English and I so admired her style all the time I was growing up:
My husband and I changed out the plain silver knobs on the dresser...replaced them with some Anthropologie knobs that I'd used on cupboards in my bedroom in Santa Barbara and have been waiting for a chance to use ever since. The silver trash can fit our aesthetic much better than the diaper pails we saw (at least the reasonably priced ones). It works great as far as containing odor, by the way (from Bed, Bath and Beyond).
Love, love, love this vintage rocking chair that my mother-in-law refinished for us. And the leather footstool was a steal at Ross. Great for putting my feet up while rocking, or sitting on while selecting clothes out of the dresser:
Here's a detail view of the pillow in the rocker. When we originally put the room together, it felt too masculine to me, so I tried to add some girly touches like this. This is also something I had in Santa Barbara that I've been trying to find a home for ever since I left (from Land of Nod, although purchased years ago):
A few additional details that I love:
Above the rocking chair we have zoo pictures I got from Etsy:
And my BFF gave us this fabulous nightlight:
My husband has a thing about Ugly Dolls. Actually, it's really cute...when we were dating and in Seattle, we went for a walk in the Arboretum one day and passed by an open house and went inside...in one of the kid's rooms there was an Ugly Doll and my husband said, "If we ever have kids, we need one of those." So the Ugly Doll collection (each given to us as a gift) is kind of sentimental:
My husband's also all about the kids being smart, so he really wanted a periodic table in the nursery (this one's a gift from a woman I work with; from Land of Nod). I added the flower (which I used to wear around my neck some nights going out in San Francisco), again trying to keep the room from becoming too masculine. :)
So that's it! Hope you've enjoyed a peek into our happy little nursery! :)
Happy weekend, and thanks for stopping by.
XOXO
A Present From My OB
So I complain sometimes about living in such a small town, but other times, I'm incredibly grateful for it.
I'm good friends with my OB's husband. (I actually have a long history of trying to find the right OB/GYN. I initially dismissed the idea of my current OB, because I thought maybe it would be weird being friends with her husband, but it hasn't been weird at all, and both my husband and I love her. Even thought the first time we saw her professionally--right after my old OB, her partner, had suddenly died--she had to tell us our 11-week-old fetus was dead...what a sucky way to start a relationship. But she was very kind, and things have gone smoothly since then, knock on wood.)
Anyway, I digress.
Her husband, my friend--I invited him to my local baby shower, which was otherwise all women, but he's part of a group of writers I hang out with and I didn't want to exclude him.
He didn't come. ("Too much estrogen," my OB told me when I saw her a few days later.) But he did have a present for me the next time that I saw him.
A sweet little essay he'd written for me.
And two quilts, one for each baby.
Handmade by my OB.
Both my husband and I were so incredibly touched. I mean, who gets presents from their OB? Especially ones I know it took her hours and hours and hours to make.
I love the though of her in her sewing room, after being a high-powered doctor all day, making something so sweet and beautiful for our babies.
Sometimes living in a small town is the best thing ever.
XOXO
A Knitting Mishap (And Why it Doesn't Matter)
So I'm really still just learning how to knit, but I wanted to make baby sweaters for our babies to wear home from the hospital...you know, something special and handmade, so my babies would know how much they were loved.
I found a cute pattern, made one for our boy that turned out super cute, although I figured out about halfway through I was using the wrong needles. But I did calculations to make it the right size and it turned out fine. So I made one in pink for our girl, which also turned out super cute.
And then I washed them.
Carefully.
By hand.
And my cute little sweaters, they expanded to be way, way bigger...now they are all stretched out and there is no way newborns are going to fit into them. (And I've since checked with the local knit shop. There's no way to fix them.)
My husband saw me on the verge of tears, hugged me and said, "So if you knew you made the first one wrong, why did you make the second one the same?"
"Because the first one turned out cute."
"But you didn't wash it before you made the second one?"
"No. I had no idea they would do this."
Love that man, but sometimes he is just too dang logical.
Sigh.
I wanted to cry...all that time knitting...all the money for the yarn...and it's too late to make new sweaters for the babies.
But.
Babies don't need sweaters to go home from the hospital.
Just becasue they don't have them, doesn't mean I'm a bad mom.
And as long as our babies are alive and healthy, that's all that really matters. Been thinking about this especially in light of the scare with our babies last week, and because of a friend IRL and a good bloggy friend who lost their unborn babies this week...my heart is breaking for them...
Ruined sweaters really don't matter. That's one thing about having lived through crappy things (and here I'm talking about myself, not these other women)...it's a lot easier to see what's important and what's not...what's worth crying over and what's not.
XOXO
The Nursery, Episode 5: Quilts From My Mom
Hi Everyone!
First off, thanks for all your sweet comments on yesterday's post. I'm actually feeling really positive today and not scared...just really trusting that everything is going to be OK, which is so unlike me! :) But a really good place to be.
Anyway, today wanted to share with you the quilts my mom made for our babies (I helped a little, but the vast majority of the work was done by her).
Here is the one for our boy:
And our girl:
My mom gave them to me at my baby shower last weekend, and my friend's 15-year-old niece who was there said that the girl's looked like watermelon and the boy's looked like snow, which I though were really sweet and apt descriptions.
We have been VERY blessed in the handmade quilt department, with additional quilts coming from my mother-in-law, a lovely friend in Boulder (whose kids I used to babysit for when I was in college), and my BFF's mom. I'll be doing additional quilt posts in the future...the quilts are all so cute and TOTALLY different. Thank goodness we've been told you can never have too many quilts!
Anyway, I think the quilts my mom made are the cutest things I've ever seen. Can't wait until they're wrapped around real, live babies!
Thanks, Mom! :)
XOXO
The Nursery, Episode 4: Curtains
The Nursery, Episode 3: Wall Art
Baby Sweater
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
Here's a picture of the sweater I recently finished for our boy. It's from a pattern in a book called Essential Baby, except with their sweater, the weave is much tighter/smaller...I'm not that experienced a knitter and by the time I figured out I wasn't making it "right" it was too late to turn back.
I like how it turned out, though, although it definitely looks handmade. My husband calls the things I make that don't look perfect "made with love," as in: "That pie you made tastes awesome, but as far as looks...well, let's just say it was made with love." This sweater definitely falls into that category, but I am totally OK with that.
I'm making an identical sweater in bubble gum pink for our girl. They'll be part of their going-home outfits...can't wait. :)
XOXO
All I Want...
Well, this isn't ALL I want. But it's a big part of what makes me happy.
XO
Image Credit: 20x200 via sfgirlbybay.
Plans to Bring Some Creativity Back Into My Life
So I work in a creative field, which is great, but I also like to do a variety of creative stuff on the side, just for me. Stuff that's been HARD to do while going through IVF (read: for the past 18 months or so), because I find the extra time for all the appointments, my clinic being out of town, the dugs making me crazy, and just the general stress and anxiety associated with IVF...I just don't have anything left.
But I'm pregnant now (knock on wood). And granted, morning sickness and exhaustion may put a kink in these plans, but I really want to try to make an effort to do some creative things on a personal level again.
Writing
One of my New Year's Resolutions for this year was to finish a bunch of short pieces that I've written and send them out for publication. This hasn't gone so well. Partly because of the IVF distractions detailed above, but also because I don't like short pieces. I don't like reading them. I don't like writing them. I've been trying to work with short pieces because they're the logical thing to work on/try to get published to build my career as a writer, but it's not what I love. What I love is books. Big, long, sprawling projects, where I don't feel so hugely confined, like I do when I try to write something short. So I'm going to let the short pieces go.
Instead, I have a book in my head (actually, some of it's already down on paper). It's about San Francisco, where I lived for seven years, young and just out of school, during the first dot com boom/bust. A lot of interesting stuff happened there (I think that's really true of anyone who's lived in San Francisco.) What I want to write is kind of a love letter to the city, written in a very unusual style (eg, not straight narration). I don't know how to explain it, other than this book just needs to be written how it wants to be written. I've been thinking about this book for a couple years, and even if no one else ever wants to read it, it's the type of book I would love to read. If it comes out the way I hope that it does, it is going to be so cool.
I'm committing some time each day to work on it, Monday through Friday. I would LOVE to have this book all down on paper before the baby comes.
I'm also going to hook up with a group of local writers I've worked with in the past...we critique each other's work and there is nothing more motivating than a group of people expecting work from you.
Photography
I know what I'm doing when it comes to writing a book (the San Francisco book will be my fourth.) I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to photography. It's fun to be a beginner!
I'm taking an online workshop over the next 6 weeks, and I'm so excited about it! I have a fancy camera, but don't really know how to use it...am just using it as a point-and-shoot and would like to change that. I'm taking the course because I don't learn very well from manuals, and also, as above, I'm very motivated by people expecting things from me.
So I just wanted to put it out there that I'm trying to get back the creative side of my being. Again, fingers crossed that morning sickness/exhaustion doesn't thwart these plans...
Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
XOXO
Writing/Creativity: Check Out This Post
Today I want to link y’all out to a blog post by Austin Kleon (discovered via {this post})--entitled “How to Steal Like and Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me).” You can access his post/presentation by clicking {here}.
A couple things really stood out for me:
First, he talks about "writing the book you want to read/writing what you LIKE" (vs what you KNOW, which is what all writers are told at one point or another). (And if you paint or make music or blog, etc, substitute the correct verb for those activities…it applies just the same.)
Right now and I think a lot this summer, I’m working/going to be working on this weird little collection of non-fiction stories from the seven years I lived in San Francisco (1996-2003). This is exactly what I’m doing with these stories. It’s a book I wish I could find and devour. I’m also not liking reading fiction much these days, although I keep thinking of going back to it in my writing. But I really want to read and write nonfiction at the moment, so I should probably just go with that vs fighting it. And I keep worrying about how I’m writing about San Francisco, because it's a kind of experimental form, the structure's weird (read: not as commercially viable as it would be if I were writing it straight). But I like reading things like what I’m writing, things that don't necessarily follow the normal linear model. And it’s how this book wants to be written, so…
Love this quote:
“The best way to find the work you should be doing is to think about the work you want to see done that isn’t being done, and then go do it.”
The other thing that really resonated with me was Mr. Kleon’s stating that "creativity is subtraction."
“It’s often what an artist chooses to leave out that makes the art interesting. What isn’t shown vs what is.”
Again with my San Francisco stories, I’m leaving a lot out. They’re very short and spare, ask people to work hard reading between the lines. I’ve been wondering if that’s a good strategy. It’s nice to hear from someone that leaving things out is a viable, even desirable option. (Not that I need someone to tell me how to write this book. It's just nice to have some external validation every once in a while, you know?)
Anyway, hope y'all enjoy!
XO
Oh, and PS, his slides are AWESOME…light on text, lots of pictures, used to get across the big idea, vs the PowerPoint slides you often see, with tiny text and tons of bullets…the worst. I do slide presentations for work sometimes and my philosophy (nicely illustrated by Mr. Kleon’s slides) has been hugely influenced by a book called {Presentation Zen}. If you do presentations, I highly recommend checking it out.
Image credit: {Austin Kleon}.
Making Things Perfect vs Putting Them Out Into the World
So as many of you know, I am a writer. I get paid for the advertising portion of that, but the rest is for pure pleasure--blogging most recently, and longer-term and ongoing, stories and book-length projects, both fiction and non-fiction.
I’m good at making time to write, but terrible about trying to get things out into the world, actually trying to publish pieces. I’m trying to change that (see my New Year’s resolutions), but I’ve been thinking lately about WHY it is that I’m so terrible about that part of the process.
I read an article in the New Yorker over the weekend by Tina Fey, and something she said has stuck with me:
“…it’s a great lesson in not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game…but then you have to let it go. You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute…You have to let people see what you wrote. It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring…”
Maybe this is part/all of my problem: I feel like everything has to be perfect. I don’t know when to let go. My standards are so high, I think it paralyzes me.
Forcing myself to send something out once a month is, I think, a step in the right direction. But I wonder: is there a way to get over that feeling that I’m being judged and that I’m bad if I send something out that’s not perfect? Is it stifling my creativity? Or is it being rash and sloppy to send something out before revising it 100 times?
I want things to flow more freely. This fear that I’m bad if something I send out isn’t perfect has got to go. Maybe I can just experiment with not trying to be perfect? See what happens? Just writing those words feels freeing and fun…
Image credit: Emily Carlin.
Fear of Loss
So I watched a documentary called Exit Through the Gift Shop over the weekend. Great movie. (I love documentaries, especially when they involve creative people as subjects.) It's about a guy who spent years filming street artists, and actually before the street artists, spent years filming everything (family especially), went everywhere with his camera.
One of the questions raised in this movie was, what was this guy's obsession with filming? It's revealed halfway through that his mother died when he was 11, and he hadn't even been aware she was sick, so her death came as a total surprise/shock. And now he's got this compulsion to document everything--because he knows from experience that at any moment without any warning life as he knows it could end.
I keep thinking about this guy and what he lived through and how he responded to it. Poor thing--I can't even imagine losing your mother at age 11. But I do know about suddenly losing someone incredibly important to you, whose day-to-day life is woven into the fabric of yours. And since that loss (my brother, nearly 6 years ago now), I can't do a thing without having the thought that this might be the last time everything is OK. Tragedy could strike at any minute. Must make an indelible record of this time as it could end so suddenly, so easily. I don't film, but I write things down, and save voice mails, and take pictures. And there's never a time I talk to or see someone I love that I don't think maybe this is the last time ever, and what can I do to fix this moment in my mind just in case that's true?
Probably not too healthy an approach to life. But the guy in this movie, he made me feel like I'm not quite so crazy--and not quite so alone.
A Quote From Film Critic David Denby
"You must make a story out of your movie, and out of your life, too, or only stillness and death await you."
--David Denby, in The New Yorker, February 7, 2011
A Quote I Read This Week That I Keep Thinking About
"Wonder is our need today, not information."
--Elia Kazan, A Life
My Dream Life, Part 4 of 5: Create Something
I’ve been doing a series of dream lives here; see Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 if you haven’t already. This fourth dream is something I’m probably already closest to vs the others, and that is to make something creative that involves writing--and more.
I dream of getting a letterpress and learning how to use it. Learning bookbinding. Putting some things together that have writing (the writing is central) and photography, drawing, other things.
And/or, maybe what I put together is digital, and has audio and video besides. But whatever it it, I want the way the writing’s packaged to be as special as the writing itself. And what I put together to go beyond writing. I’m just not sure exactly what that looks like yet.
Image credit: katietower.
What I'm Listening To: Robyn's Body Talk
So my best friend has this cool job in the music business, and one of the benefits of that for me is I get recommendations. One of her latest: Robyn's Body Talk.
“I can’t stop listening to this album,” my friend said to me, and I feel the same way. How is it that I’ve never heard of Robyn? The album: dance-y and pop-y and so very happy. I’ve been listening to it this weekend making Christmas presents, running errands.
The artist herself is interesting, too. She’s been in the music business a long time, and I love that she left her label when they didn’t approve of what she was doing artistically, and has since been releasing her music on her own, so she can do anything she wants to do. Artistic freedom/integrity is something I think about a lot with my writing. It’d be easy to turn to very commercial projects, get them published. Even this blog--I know I could put together a different kind of blog that’s very commercial, if I was trying to get an enormous readership or make money. But my creative projects, I want to do them the way I want to do them, stay true to my vision vs letting somebody else/the obvious money-making needs and wants of the marketplace dictate what I do. I love seeing other people follow that same path (and be successful at it--that’s inspiring.)
Love Robyn’s artistic vision. Body Talk's definitely worth checking out.