Did My OB Take My Baby?
The "bleeding heart" blooming in my yard. Always makes me think of my brother who died...and now my baby, too.
So will you guys let me get all weird and metaphysical today? Just for this post, I promise...
As I wrote about a few weeks ago, my OB recently committed suicide. And my baby died at essentially the same time. And I'd just seen my OB and had an ultrasound and talked about the baby a few days before.
So here's what keeps running through my mind, and it's really upsetting me. What if when my OB left this world, she took my baby with her? I don't mean it like my OB did it intentionally, I don't think of it like that, I just think maybe there was a connection between her and my baby and if she couldn't stay, maybe my baby couldn't stay either. So if my OB hadn't taken her life, my baby would be OK.
Weird, I know. But the only time I've cried really hard about this (there's been lots and lots of kind of normal sobbing, but only one big freak-out)...anyway, the time I've gotten really, really upset about what's happened is when I've been thinking about this.
I sound like a crazy person today, but just had to put this out there.
Thanks for humoring me.
xo
"It Could Be Worse"
Got outside to work in our yard this weekend. Flowers blooming like crazy. It's good to get out...I've been so cooped up all winter. My mom was over the other day and said, "Wow, are you ever pale." Good to be out in the sunshine again.
My husband to me over the weekend: "How are you doing?" (A question we've been asking each other multiple times a day since we found out our baby had died.)
Me: "OK. You?"
Him: "OK." Pause. "It could be worse, you know."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "If the scale of bad is 1 to 100, with 100 being the worst, I figure this is about an 80."
Me: "Yeah, it feels about like an 80 to me too." Pause. "What would be 100? You dying? Me dying?"
Him: "Anyone we love dying."
Still feeling pretty raw a week after everything went down. Dealing with a lot of money stuff today as bills for the pregnancy have started coming in (I have a high-deductable health insurance plan so we're paying the first few thousand out-of-pocket), and we've talked with the clinic about the price for an FET (expensive, not as much as IVF, but still a lot of money we weren't expecting to have to spend.)
Just trying to keep telling myself, "It could be worse."
FAQ Fridays: Missed Miscarriage: What Happened?
Q: What is a missed miscarriage?
A: It's where the baby dies, but your body doesn't recognize that that's happened so it doesn't expel the baby like with a "normal" miscarriage. Apparently, it's very rare.
Q: What happened with your pregnancy?
A: I had a positive beta on February 17, which rose nicely on February 19. I had an ultrasound where they saw the heartbeat and the baby measured right on track at 6 weeks 5 days (March 7) and another at 8 weeks 6 days (March 22). Went back to my OB at 11 weeks 5 days (April 11) and they told us the baby had died right after the last ultrasound, so somewhere in the 9th week.
Q: Did you have any clue something was wrong?
A: At 11 weeks 1 day (April 6) I had a tiny bit of bright red bleeding. My RE asked that my hormone levels be checked, and they were very low. They upped the medication and told me everything was fine, not to worry, there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping if something was wrong. My local OB said the same thing and that I didn’t need to be looked at…they’d just see me in a few days at my appointment. So with all that reassurance and the fact that I still felt so pregnant (nausea, exhaustion, etc.), I didn’t really worry. Maybe I knew though and was just trying to stay positive and not scare people around me (my husband, our families). I really wouldn’t let the thought that something might be wrong into my head.
Then on April 11, right before my appointment, I had my blood drawn and got the levels back. Still low, which made me really scared. And then my OB tried to find a heartbeat and couldn’t, and then looked on the ultrasound and told us.
Q: What did you do?
A: Went home and cried. Scheduled a D&C for the next day. Called my RE’s office, and they didn’t really have any explanation for what went wrong; neither did my OB. “These things happen,” is essentially what we’ve been told.
Q: How was the D&C?
A: Awful, of course, but everyone was really kind, and it didn’t hurt other than getting the IV in. I don’t really remember it to be honest. After, my husband sat with me while I was monitored for about an hour, and when we got up to leave he hugged me and said, “We’ll never be in this room again.” It was such a sweet thing to say to me.
Mild cramping that day and the next. Pretty severe cramping that came in waves 2 days post-procedure. Feeling pretty OK today so far.
Q: How have you been since?
A: Beyond sad. Heartbroken. This is a really horrible thing to have to go through.
Q: Have you gone back to work?
A: I work at home, and have done a few hours here and there, but not much this week. Haven't been able to concentrate. My husband took the week off school.
Q: Were there a lot of people you had to tell?
A: Our parents knew we were expecting and are so sad as well, of course. We’d also told a handful of friends about the pregnancy, and they have all been really caring and loving and supportive about the miscarriage. One person where I work and my husband’s professors at school knew…they have all been wonderful, as well. We’ve gotten a ton of love and support this week, for which I am grateful. I’m also glad we didn’t tell more people than we did about the pregnancy so there aren’t a ton of people we have to explain this to. We were going to start spreading the news next week…so heartbroken we don’t get to do that.
Q: Do you know what’s next?
A: We’ll do a regroup with our RE, try to get a better understanding of what happened. We have frozen embryos--a fact that I am so, so, so, so grateful for--and we will do an FET as soon as they’ll let us…looking like July at this point. Pray that things work next time around.
Ugh, what an awful, awful week. So glad it’s almost over.
Miscarriage: Packing Up the Reminders
Just feeling wretched today. It’s three days after the miscarriage (or at least when we found out about it), and I’m trying to pack up the reminders, to put away anything baby-related. The ultrasound pictures are the hardest. The “congratulations you’re pregnant” bag my OB’s office gave me a couple weeks ago with formula samples, bottles, diaper rash cream samples, etc. The knitting book of baby clothes and what’s left of the baby sweater I was working on until my dog chewed it up. My list of what not to eat while pregnant. The baby name book. The list of baby stuff we wanted to start getting after the first trimester was over (which would have been next week) that my husband and I made at lunch on Monday, right before we went to our OB appointment and found out that our baby had died. The yellow-and-white baby blanket we received in the mail from my mother-in-law the same day. This sucks.
I’m feeling really sad today about the fact I’m not going to be pregnant this summer. And that we’re not going to have a baby in October…I was really excited about the fact that the due date was right around my dad and grandfather’s birthdays (they have the same birthday) and my mom’s birthday and my brother who died. It would have been so cool for the baby to share a birthday with one of them. We’re looking at a winter pregnancy and a spring baby now, assuming (and this is a big assumption) that all goes perfectly next time around.
And speaking of next time around, the fact that it might not work is killing me. The fact that there’s going to be no joy or hopefulness or excitement in the first trimester is so sad to me, that it’s just going to be this terrifying black tunnel we hope and pray we make it out of. I can’t imagine not getting pregnant. I can’t imagine getting pregnant and then 3 months of being scared every single day that my baby may be dead. And if I’m as sick as I was this time on top of it, ugh, it just sounds like the worst torture imaginable. I know I’ll probably feel better about everything in a couple of months. I don’t have to do it today. It’s going to be manageable and obviously, I’ll go through any sort of trauma I have to to be able to have a baby.
Just feeling really beat down and exhausted by this whole process today. But like I was saying yesterday, I know I just need to get through today, try not to worry about the future.
I am just so, so, so sad, and there’s no way to make the sadness go away. I just have to sit with it and it’s so very painful. I’m tired of being in pain. When is it going to be my turn to have happy things happen? I don’t expect my whole life to be happy, but there’s got to be some good things that get mixed in with the bad, right? There have got to be more happy days for me somewhere down the road. Or is life just going to continue to be one horrible thing I have to deal with after the other? I need a break from the bad, please, God. I need something good to happen. It’s been 8 years of one trauma after another in my life, and 5 years of month after month after month of heartbreak with this infertility thing. I feel like I’m reaching the end of what I can possibly bear.
Dealing With Miscarriage, Day By Day
First of all, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who's been reading and--especially--commenting. Your presence and support really mean so, so much to me right now as I deal with the awfulness that is this week.
Today's been OK. Tried to work, which went OK, although it wasn't the most productive day on record. I work at home, so my day went something like this:
Answer emails and voicemails.
Go lie down in bed with my husband and cry.
Get everything in order for a regulatory review.
Talk with a friend who's called and cry.
Get on a conference call.
Go downstairs and sit with my husband and cry.
Etc.
My husband's in school, and they've been so nice to him...told him to take the rest of the week off. I'm probably not going to work much more this week either.
I slept through the night last night maybe for the first time since I started the IVF meds back in December. Yay for small victories! And physically I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I've been trying not to complain, but really, I've spent a good part of the past two months in bed dealing with a LOT of nausea and exhaustion. Today I'm up and alert and don't feel sick (although there's some residual cramping from the D&C, but it's minor). I forgot what it's like to feel like this...didn't realize what a fog I was in with this pregnancy.
Overall, today's been better than yesterday, which is all you can really hope for. I'm so glad my husband and I have such light schedules between now and Monday, and can really spend some time together. I just want to be with him. Having him with me and knowing how much he loves me and how he wants to try for another baby as soon as we can (and we have frozen embryos from this last IVF--I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for that) is what's saving me right now. That and not thinking beyond today. My mantra has been:
"Just get through today."
Thinking about what's next and pregnant again and maybe more losses and what if this never happens for us what are we going to do then is just way too overwhelming.
But I'm going to make it through today.
D&C Today
Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.
First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."
I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.
I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.
I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.
Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.
My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart.
Friends and family have been wonderful.
I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).
I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.
Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.
And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).
Why why why why why why why????
11 Week 5 Day Ultrasound: It’s Over
My worst fear in being pregnant has been a missed miscarriage, which is where you’ve lost the baby but don’t know it. I haven’t talked about it, because in a weird way I thought doing so might make it happen.
Well, it’s happened anyway.
No heartbeat today at our OB appointment, and our baby hasn’t grown much beyond the 8 week ultrasound we had where everything was totally fine.
I had some scary stuff happen last week (which I’ll talk about at some point), but before that nothing, and after that I convinced myself that everything was going to be OK because I still felt so pregnant. My fertility clinic now says the placenta’s still in there making hormones, which explains why I’ve still felt like everything was going along as planned.
D&C tomorrow.
We are pretty much just numb at this point.
Ugh.
Oh, and PS, yesterday our dog Newton chewed the baby sweater I was knitting to shreds…the needle that was in the knitting is now in 10 pieces. My husband and I have been joking that the dog was trying to let us know.
And PPS, I can’t believe I missed the entire snowboarding season for nothing. My brother said he’ll meet me, though, if something (A Basin?) is still open once I’m recovered from the D&C. Bless him.
We’ll be doing a frozen transfer as soon as we can. Need to be nice to ourselves in the meantime.
Oh, and I know this post sounds kind of flippant and devoid of emotion…the shock and grief and anger are coming, I’m sure. Right now I just can’t believe this is happening.
FAQ Fridays: Cupcake Royale
Q: Why are you missing Cupcake Royale?
A: I miss Seattle’s great coffee shops in general--with their amazing coffee and hip décor--but Cupcake Royale stands out because they’ve also got yummy cupcakes!
Q: What’s your favorite Cupcake Royale location?
A: It’s kind of a tie between Madrona (which I love because I used to live in the neighborhood, although that was years before it was hip enough to have a cool cupcake store) and Ballard (another neighborhood I’ve spent a lot of time in).
Q: What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?
A: So boring, but vanilla with pink frosting. Yum.
Q: OMG, how cool is their copywriting?
A: Their copywriting is too cute. Here’s the sticker that they stick to boxes of cupcakes:
The Proper Care & Handling of a Cupcake Royale
Please don’t scare the cupcakes by tipping or shaking the box. For fresh and happy cupcakes, do not store in the refrigerator of leave them out in the sun. And for the love of home-baked goodness, do not wait to eat your delicious cupcakes – ENJOY THEM TODAY!
And the note on their glass display case in their West Seattle store:
Hey kids (and you uber-excited adults):
Thanks for not scaring the cupcakes by banging on the glass.
Q: What’s your perfect Cupcake Royale scenario?
A: A drizzly afternoon sitting on the couch they have in Madrona having cupcakes and lattes with my BFF.
Happy Friday, everyone! :)
Image Credit: Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake.
(Check out her blog HERE.)
Missing Seattle: The House on Dexter Avenue North
About halfway up the long shore of this lake, closest to the viewer, a few blocks away from the lake in one of those patches of trees is the house my grandparents lived in. I came for long visits, sometimes whole summers, for years, and then lived with them the first few months I was in Seattle right after college, while I got on my feet. They called it the dollhouse and it was such a cute little Victorian, with a view of the lake and easy walking distance to downtown and the Freemont neighborhood.
Would love, love, love to own that house. Actually looked into buying it a few years ago when I moved back to Seattle, but it was the height of the real estate boom and the price was so high. Plus I was in the middle of leaving California and the house I'd lived in with my pretty recently dead brother and all the trauma that went with that and plus the fact I had no idea what I was doing. It just wasn't the right time to buy the house. Maybe someday it will be...would love to have that connection to my beloved grandparents.
Image Credit: Skunks.
Missing Seattle: The Arboretum
Seattle's arboretum is so beautiful in every season, and big enough to get a decent workout in if you loop trails together. It's like leaving the city entirely it's so thick and lush, and it smells so good.
I came here all the time with my first dog, Shaye, a great Dane/greyhound mix. And then with Dexter, my brother's boxer, when I lived here a few years ago. Sometimes I'd be babysitting my BFFs miniature schnauzer--the fabulous Miss Lucy--and she'd come along. She'd always get muddy and I'd have to give her a bath in the sink.
Mid-day mid-week the arboretum is all but deserted. Absolutely love it here.
Image Credit: Wade Rockett.
Missing Seattle: Pike Place Market
This is such a huge tourist spot, but locals actually go, or at least I did both times I lived in Seattle.
Back in the '90s, my lovely half-Italian roommate worked at one of the food shops here and made friends with the crab guys and would bring the three of us girls that lived together home fresh Dungeness crab and we'd melt a stick of butter and spread newspapers out on the living room's hardwood floor and feast. This happened all the time...it was wonderful.
More recently (four years ago), I lived in Queen Anne, which is right up the hill from the Market, and once a week or so I'd come down with my little red basket and buy vegetables and strawberries and fresh fish (although honestly, I like the fish market at the Fisherman's Terminal better, but that's another post). And the tulips this time of year, oh my. They grow them in Washington, you know, and the ones at Pike Place Market have the longest stems imaginable--they're like three times longer than normal. Those tulips were always one of the highlights of my week.
Image Credit: lucylu.
Missing Seattle: The Seattle Public Library
Rained yesterday, and is supposed to again all week, which is making me miss Seattle, so I think this week's posts are going to be about that city. I spent lots of time there with my grandparents, my dad's parents, as a child, and lived there twice--once right after college, and once for six months after leaving Southern California and before moving back to Colorado. And there's a good chance we'll live there again someday. The cool, dreary weather does get to me after a while, but that's probably something trips somewhere sunny could take care of. I've always felt a huge affinity for the city.
One of the things I miss is the public library, which is right downtown and across the street from the fabulous hotel where my husband worked, the Hotel Vintage Park. I don't know too much about architecture, but I love, love, love cool modern buildings like this--I first saw an exhibit about it at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art while it was being built, couldn't wait to see it live. And it works so perfectly in Seattle, letting in every scrap of available light. Many afternoons I spent on the top floor in front of the windows, waiting for my husband to be done with work so we could go do something together.
And, they have the greatest online check-out system ever. You just put the books you want to read on a list, and then they are all sitting together under your name in the pick-up area. That system spoiled me...I've had trouble easing into using the library here because it doesn't have it. On the other hand, it also seems to be where I started to have a hugely short attention span when it comes to reading--reading the first few pages or chapter of a book, failing to get engaged, and then putting it aside to start on another. I've been finding it really hard to get into books the past few years, especially novels. So much of what I'm reading just doesn't seem interesting/relevant.
Anyway, in my dream Seattle life, part of my weekly routine involves a trip to the public library.
Image Credit: fschroiff.
An Afternoon in the Desert
One of the teepees in the teepee camp I stumbled across.
Took the new (used) Jeep out into the desert yesterday...just dirt roads...nothing 4WD...don't want to hurt the baby. Note to self: do not take your new car, top off, out somewhere dusty, especially with the wind blowing. I got the car clean again, but wow, what a process.
Came across this little teepee camp (this is off 16 Road*, out of Fruita). Not sure who built/uses it, but I thought it was pretty cool.
Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! :)
*The names of the roads in this area are cool. North/South roads are numbered based on miles from the Utah border. (16 road is 16 miles in from Utah). Then you get 16 1/2 Road, 16 3/4 Road, etc. East/West roads are letters. But these also get fractions, so you end up with E 1/2 Road, R 7/8 Road, etc. Quirky. Unique. Love it.
March Writing Submission
The little story I'm submitting this month is about Connecticut and my grandmother and kind of motherhood in general. It's a lot more straightforward/less experimental than a lot of my other writing tends to be these days, but maybe that's a good thing. This is a portion of my grandmother's house in North Haven, Connecticut. Love it there...it's so peaceful and beautiful.
So one of my New Year's Resolutions is to actually SUBMIT all the little bits of writing I've been working on, rather than let them languish as .doc files on my computer because they're not perfect enough to send out, or I'm scared I'm not a good enough writer, or whatever else it is that's keeping me from getting my writing out into the world. I'm exhausted late on March 31, but this week I 1) finished a piece I started months ago, 2) decided on where to submit, and 3) submitted. This month's submissions go to:
- anderbo.com
- Grist
- Hayden's Ferry Review
- Paradigm
- The Paris Review
- Passages North
- Phoebe
- PMS poemmemoirstory
- Redivider
- The Saint Ann's Review
- Salamander
- Shenandoah
- Silk Road
- The Southampton Review
- The Southern Review
- Superstition Review
- TriQuarterly Online
- West Branch
- Willow Springs
- Zone 3
Oh, and PS, I've gotten 6 rejections from the 20 journals I submitted to last month, but two of those rejections were handwritten "this isn't exactly right for us but we like your work please send us more" vs the standard form letter. Those handwritten notes are really encouraging! :)
A Day Full of Emotion
Bianca, the Jeep that I've had for 9 years. Decals, top to bottom: San Francisco Russian Hill parking permit, Channel Islands Surfboards sticker, my Santa Cruz parking permit for when I was down there surfing all the time. Hope you find a happy new home, Bianca!
Wow. A little too much for a girl to handle in one day. (Especially a morning sick one on the verge of throwing up all day.)
First, my OB. I had my first "real" OB appointment scheduled for today (vs my checks for the IVF clinic). This should be a happy, exciting appointment, but my OB died a few days ago, and are there ever a lot of tears in that office. My OB's nurse, who I absolutely adore, walked into the waiting room at the same time I did and we hugged and both started crying...this is before even checking in. This nurse is probably the work person most affected by what's happened--certainly the one whose day-to-day life is most disrupted. I feel terrible for her. And I'm sad because she's not going to be able to be my nurse anymore, as I'll be transitioned to another doctor in the practice. I love her and really wanted her to be with me through all the baby stuff, after helping so much with all the infertility stuff over the years. Emotional morning.
Then, OMG, we bought a new car! Big enough for a baby or two! Which is awesome! Yay!
BUT, I had to trade in my little Jeep Wrangler...I loved that car so much, I bought that car back when I was surfing every day and it's been up and down the California coast a zillion times, plus surf trips to Baja, and back and forth to Colorado. And my dad taught me how to 4-wheel in that Jeep, and not wimpy girl stuff either. Plus trips to Moab, and up and down the mountain to snowboard...I've got so many, many great memories in that car.
I almost started crying at the dealership. Why do people (or anyway, me) get so attached to cars?
"You don't feel this way about your computer, do you?" my husband asked.
"No, not at all," I said.
"Think of it this way," my husband said. "Your Jeep's expanding with your waistline" (we got a new, bigger Jeep.)
Which made me laugh.
We're going to make lots of happy memories in this new Jeep, too. :)
Lullaby Playlist
So my husband said the other day that he read somewhere that if you play music or sing songs to the baby before it's born, when it hears the same music after it's born it'll be soothed by it.
"The baby can hear by Week 8," he said. "Maybe we should make a playlist," which has by now evolved into separate playlists because what he wants to play for/sing to the baby is different from me. (Although he's got some good ideas. "Journey, Don't Stop Believing," he says. I can respect that.)
This weekend, I made my lullaby playlist (which my husband says is too hippie chick, lol). I love making playlists. I tend to make one every three or four months, and listen to it pretty much exclusively. Then that music is so embedded in that particular time and place in my life...it's really interesting how music so quickly takes me back.
Anyway, I wanted to use music I already had (so no buying new songs). Below, the annotated list, in order of the year the original version of the song was released:
- Over the Rainbow, Willie Nelson (1939)--this song so reminds me of my childhood
- Young at Heart, Frank Sinatra (1953)--we listened to a lot of Frank Sinatra when I lived in Seattle right after college
- Love Is Here to Stay, Ella Fitzgerald (1956)--from my brother Luke's music collection
- (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley (1957)--Elvis reminds me of my grandpa. Love him. Miss him
- Blackbird, The Beatles (1968)--God, I love the Beatles. I used to play this song on my guitar in the months after my brother died
- Your Song, Elton John (1970)--I'm sure I heard Elton John growing up, but what his music really reminds me of is college
- Rocky Mountain High, John Denver (1972)--my mom was a huge John Denver fan. I can sing entire albums start to finish. And every kid born in Colorado needs this on his/her playlist
- The Rainbow Connection,The Carpenters (1979)--again, a song from my childhood
- Old Pictures, The Judds (1987)--the Judds remind me of my dad for some reason, this song especially
- If I had a Boat, Lyle Lovett (1987)--I've always thought of this as a cute song for kids
- Take Me to a Place, Little Sister (1994)--a kind of obscure Austin, Texas band I saw live about a million times when I lived down there after Seattle. This might be my favorite song on the list
- Wonder, Natalie Merchant (1995)--these next three songs remind me of living in San Francisco, putting music on the stereo and going for a drive
- Heaven's Here on Earth, Tracy Chapman (1995)
- Dance With the Angels, Lisa Loeb (1997)
- Starfish, Sister Hazel (1997)--again, a song I've always thought of as a cute little kid's song
- How Do You Fall in Love, Alabama (1998)--so the baby will know how much his Mommy and Daddy love each other
- Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key, Billy Bragg and Wilco (1998)--this is such a great album...reminds me of driving to Burning Man with my lovely friend Chris the first year we both went
- Life Uncommon, Jewel (1998)--more songs that remind me of San Francisco...mixed in with driving to Santa Barbara to surf with my brother Luke, and then moving down there to live with him...
- The Lucky One, Alison Krauss (2001)
- Godspeed (Sweet Dreams), Dixie Chicks (2002)
- Nightingale, Norah Jones (2002)
- Blessed to be a Witness, Ben Harper (2003)
- Love Is Everywhere, Bob Schneider (2004)--another Austin musician I adore
- Wildflower, Sheryl Crow (2005)--this was on my iPOD on a long bus ride in Chile, down with a girlfriend of mine a few months after my brother Luke died. I sat in the back corner of the bus and sobbed. What an amazing trip that was, but I was just a wreck at the time
- Upside Down, Jack Johnson (2006)--A happy little Santa Barbara song...this reminds me so much of the 17-year-old who came to live with me after my brother died (long story for another time)
- Come Alive, Foo Fighters (2007)--oh, how I love the Foo Fighters. Need to see if there's an acoustic version of this song...might work a little better for lullaby purposes
- Umbrella, Rihanna (2007)--I wanted to have this be the song at our wedding (but we ended up having a really simple wedding where we didn't do that kind of thing). I love its message about standing together and helping each other through things
- Stars 4-Ever, Robyn (2010)--my best friend recommended this album to me...it makes me think of her...
- We Are Hot Dogs, Danielle Ate the Sandwich (2010)--again, a silly little kid's song is what I thought when I first heard this. And I love the refrain: "And I can't recall a feeling better than this."
Photo Credit: Growl Roar.
The Last Thing You Expect to Hear When You Call Your OB's Office
Me: "Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Smith's*. I was wondering if I could reschedule my ultrasound appointment so that my husband can come with me...he really wants to be there."
Receptionist: "No problem rescheduling. But I should tell you--Dr. Smith died over the weekend."
I've been going to my doctor for years (she's also been my gynecologist). I saw her last week. She's young--not that much older than me. They won't tell me what happened, but I know it must have been something bad. I feel so terrible for her family and friends and co-workers. I am totally freaked out by this. Life is so very fragile and could end at any time for anyone. I already know this--I don't need to be reminded.
Some people see death as a normal part of life, and I guess when people who are older and have lived a full life die--like my grandparents, for instance--I'm sad, but it doesn't make the world feel like a horrible and scary place. But when someone young dies, I don't know...it just feels so wrong.
This is part of my personality, too...I've talked about this here before...that when something happens to other people, I don't really see it as having nothing to do with me; instead I put myself in the shoes of the person who died. Did it hurt? Were they scared? Did they know? Was someone with them? (I have this awful fear of dying alone.) And I put myself in the shoes of the people who loved them--I know what that's like from first-hand experience. And my mind goes back to that April day, in the hospital in some cramped ER doctor's office with him telling me that my brother, who I just said "bye, love you," to that morning and had tons of plans with that evening is dead and I have to call my parents and tell them...
Ugh. April is going to be hard, I can already feel all the horrors of that situation bubbling to the surface. On the other hand, I can't let it be hard, because I can't let myself get too upset--I know that can't be good for the baby.
Tough day today.
*Names have been changed.
My First Baby Project!
Going to be making a sweater for our little baby...
I was going to wait until the first trimester was over to do anything baby-related, but my husband's been pushing me to trust that all will be well. We had such a nice day yesterday, he and I, just an errand-y kind of day, we looked at a family-sized (used) Jeep to replace my little Wrangler, and after, the sun was out and we walked downtown and shared gelato cones sitting on a bench and then went into our cute local knitting shop and I bought a book with baby projects. And yarn. Above is the test square I knit yesterday to check the gauge...I'm going to make a pretty little gender-neutral hooded sweater. Fun!
I haven't knit in a couple months because I haven't wanted to start something that's not baby. Going to be fun to start again. :)
Dreams of the Dead, and Is a Baby Going to Help This Situation?
I've written a little here about my brother's death, but not much. Mostly because the pain of it is still so close to the surface, even almost six years after the fact. (Kind of an unusual situation: we were living together/spending all our time together when he died.) My guess is I'll be writing a bit more about him over the the next month or so...his death was in April and this time of year that's where my thoughts seem to go.
I've had two dreams about my brother since he died--one many years ago, one last night. In both dreams, he was dead. The first one I don't even want to go into...the one last night he and my other brother, who is still alive, died by 4-wheeling way out into the desert where no one could find them, freezing to death (my brother who died actually died in a motorcycle accident).
Lots of people I know dream about my dead brother, and in their dreams, he is alive. My best friend had the following exchange with my brother in a dream:
Friend to brother: "Luke! Why don't you go visit your sister!" (My friend--his friend first--always used to boss him around; he loved it.)
Brother: "Nah, she's too sad."
I wonder if when I truly start to feel better if my brother will come to me in dreams. I really am doing so much better...the first few years after his death I was totally paralyzed...I'm not so much that way anymore...but the pain's still there and it's still very raw.
And I wonder: is this baby we're expecting going to help heal me? Will life and rebirth and joy in my life for once crowd out some of the death and isolation and grief?
Will I ever be healed enough to dream of Luke alive? I pray that will be the case.
Telling Work About Your Pregnancy
So I freelance, but I have one client that I've done enormous amounts of work for over the past five years...it's a great arrangement...almost like I'm a full-time employee. And my husband is feeling the need to get some things figured out, even though it's still early in my pregnancy...like, how is work going to be about me being pregnant? Are they going to be cool with me taking some maternity leave?
So I had THE CALL today, with the woman I guess you would call my boss. I was very nervous about it, for some reason, even though the company I work with--everyone there is so incredibly nice.
But there was no reason to be worried...they were thrilled for me and thanked me for letting them know so far ahead of time. They seemed very receptive to my ideal, which is 3 months maternity leave, so that was good to hear (and good to know for planning purposes). And we've already started saving for maternity leave...my husband's a good planner...we're going to make it happen.
And I hate to say this, because I wanted to put it off until after the first trimester, but my husband was right, it was good to have that conversation early (although I won't be telling the others I work with day-to-day for another month.) I always figured work would be cool about a maternity leave for me, but it's good to know for sure...